People making me feel bad for my disposable income

[vilnerf]

I've just started the 2nd year of my grad scheme (banking). Luckily I have been sent to an office that is very close to my childhood home for all of my placements. Petrol and phone are really my only bills.

I take home roughly £2400 after tax. Friends, colleagues and family are consistently making digs at me i.e I should be the one to pay or "how can you be skint". Also, I don't buy a tonne of stuff but prefer to buy decent quality products. I recently bought a designer bag (wasn't as expensive as you might expect) but received a lot of judgy comments.

Also, I've been able to save a lot and will be able to buy a house in the not too distant future. And literally no one is excited for me. Trust me I'm not rubbing my good fortune in other people's faces but it's starting to make me feel bad.

The other day at after-work drinks my colleague felt it necessary to announce to all the grads visiting from another city that I live at home and don't have to pay rent.

AIBU?

I worked my tits off to prepare for my assessment centre as I knew working for my company would not only be an amazing professional move but a great financial one also.

Unless your parents are quite rich and have more disposable income than you (which must be around 2k a month after their bilks/mortgage/food) then I think you should be paying a generous amount- at least a third of all outgoings assuming the only working adults are your parents and you

Surely if the parents are happy with the arrangement, who cares? My parents were well off and didn’t expect me to pay rent so I could afford a house deposit. They also paid for my food shop.

Well I'm surprised about how much of a hard time the OP is getting about not paying her parents for living at home.

Any time someone suggests that they take money from their adult DC living at home, even when the money is needed by the parents and the offspring are on a decent wage, the overwhelming consensus is that it's mean to take money from 'children' living in their parents home and most posters could never charge their DC, even when the DC have far more disposable income than the parents.

If I have £1,000 in my bank and get asked to go out for drinks in an expensive bar, I would say no I’m skint. Meaning I’ve got more important things to save my money on. Lol

I'd just say that I don't want to, or that it's too expensive, by which I mean that I don't want to pay the prices they charge, not that I don't have the money to drink there. I could go out today and buy one of those £300 Dyson hairdryers, a £500 cat litter tray I saw on a thread on here, and buy all my Christmas food shopping from M&S and technically have enough money to pay for it, which is how some people seem to define being able to afford something.

But I wouldn't because I think all those things are not worth the prices charged, same for bars that charge £10+ for a single drink of any sort.

Whether or not you pay rent or not is between you and your parents. They wouldn’t refuse money unless they were comfortably off themselves and your success seem to be what they are enjoying and their part in being able to help you. It is no one else’s business what your rent arrangements are (e.g the person who should you should give a third). Your parents are adults and sound supportive and want you to have a secure foundation. Congratulations on your placement and enjoy it!

I have never understood why savers get such a hard time here...

I think you have missed the point CuriousaboutSamphire. Saving is excellent. Putting some money aside to save does not mean you are skint though, or you "can't afford it". You can afford x, but you merely choose to not spend on x, and choose to save instead.

Can I give another example? I used to have a work colleague years ago when we were both in our 20s. She was saving for a very nice car. I was making do with mine which was't so nice. She was happy, I was happy, nevertheless. But I started to notice that whenever we went out for a coffee, cake, lunch etc, she'd only order a drink and bring sandwiches along. But she would watch me eat and ask for some of my food, and after she would always take half of my cake, I realised she was coming to lunch/coffee with full expectation of at least having half a big slice of cake, and never paying for it. A few times I nudged and suggested she buy a slice herself, and she always said "no, I can't afford it".

But she could! She just chose not to!

My brother (20's) does this. He's a qualified electrician and goes and works on "big jobs" - working on a luxury Google Office block somewhere abroad at the moment. He also trains up other workers. Very good money. He lives with his (my) parents rent/bills free, gets all his food bought & washing done! He's always in a different country, 3/4 LONG long haul trips a year. His workmates are jealous of his lifestyle. His freedom. I can't see him ever having kids and a family though so it makes sense to me. He'll save & get a house eventually.

The problem is that there are many reasons someone might not afford something.
They may literally not have the money in their account.
They may not have money to spend on X Y Z because it's already allocated to other things.
Both are reasonable and most people aren't rude enough to push or pry or get involved in other people's finances.

Either way, the person can't afford it and shouldn't have to police their language in case a bunch of moaners want to take offence. Let's be totally honest, any response would have got the moaners to complain because that's what they do (eg who is she to say that she thinks this bar is expensive? She has enough. As if she said she doesn't want to spend her money on expensive cocktails what a snob, she probably thinks she's better than us. She's declined eating out multiple times, how tight is she, I bet she thinks she's so much better having free food at home).

There was a thread on here recently about how an OP felt nobody who had more than them should talk about tightening their belt or having to cut back purely because those people had more than her and so that makes her the ultimate judge on what people should/shouldn't say, if people weren't as hard up as her then they shouldn't say anything.

Some people have fairly sizable chips on their shoulder.

My take on it having read most of the thread is that people just don't warm to the 'one who doesn't socialise'. If you add into that that they all know you live rent free, are saving for a house purchase imminently and claim you can't afford a night out, you'll be shunned.
As the saying used to go 90% of business deals are done on the golf course.
For some reason the OP strikes me as male rather than female?

They're jealous. You are doing well and seem very sensible with your money. I don't think there is much you can do tbh... apart from telling them to fuck off and mind their own business !

I earn no where near that, but I've been saving for 7 years and paying small rent (compared to private in London) living with my parents, have no car and keep my bills as low as possible. But people hold my savings against me:
Oh you will be fine you have savingggsss
Oh you aren't skint you have loads of money ...

Apparently I'm supposed to feel bad for saving my hard earn't money ? and working towards a housing deposit. I feel your annoyance OP

Unfortunately OP you've learned the hard way that being open about finances often comes back to bite. You can't take it back but don't discuss your domestic circumstances with colleagues any more, and just say "no thanks" to expensive nights out. No justification or explanation needed.

Also don't feel bad for your parents wanting you to save. I lived with my parents for four years after graduation and they wouldn't take a penny. They didn't need it, me being there didn't cost much more and providing I was saving and contributing to the household through chores, caring for elderly grandparent etc they were happy.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would think this thread, the op, is a wind up. It seems quite transparent to me. She's not alone, I've known others in her position who are fully supported by parents while they qualify. I've also seen unnecessary jealousy in the work place.

The only thing I can see that the op has been guilty of is naivety in being truthful - I expect she has now learned from that but what a horrible lesson. Why can't people just accept others for what they are and be gracious. It's beyond me. Life is full of ups and downs for everyone, if a person had an excellent deal or break for a couple of years, good luck to them.

Who wouldn't support their adult children if they could afford it? I (& husband) did, never thought twice about it. It doesn't usually last forever but if it helps for a while, why not? We can't take our money with us when we die and most of us are still earning when our children are starting their careers.

It is best not to discuss money unless you know people are better off than you or similar. We both work and have well paid jobs SIL a non working, through choice, jealous individual was always sniping. We ignored her although I was tempted to say ‘get a job’

*Being skint once bills and savings have been put away is still being skint.

It just means OP is one of those savers who considers money saved to be gone, inaccessible, not theirs anymore. That's the difference between successful savers and unsuccessful ones.*

I don't agree with his. It's perfectly OK to choose not to spend savings but that does not mean you are skint.

Being skint once bills and savings have been put away is still being skint.

No it isn’t and it’s insulting to suggest to people on the breadline that someone with 💰 💰 💰 in savings accounts to which they are continuously adding is in a comparable situation.

Either way, the person can't afford it and shouldn't have to police their language in case a bunch of moaners want to take offence.

Exactly. On one hand the OP is accused of ‘over-sharing’, yet is expected to provide a blow-by-blow, forensic level account of why she won’t go on a night out. ‘I can’t afford it. Well, actually I can, in the sense that I physically have enough money to attend; however, I have chosen not to on the basis that I’m saving for a home deposit. And whilst I don’t pay rent at the moment due to the unprecedented and incredibly generosity of my parents - an act of kind which I can never repay - I do not feel comfortable spending money on expensive bars whilst they subside my income in this way’.

I’d be ringing the lost property department to see if my will to live had turned up if I got all that in response to ‘Coming to the pub?’

‘I can’t afford it. Well, actually I can, in the sense that I physically have enough money to attend; however, I have chosen not to on the basis that I’m saving for a home deposit. And whilst I don’t pay rent at the moment due to the unprecedented and incredibly generosity of my parents - an act of kind which I can never repay - I do not feel comfortable spending money on expensive bars whilst they subside my income in this way’.

That's spot on!

Whatever she says or does that isn't "sure I'll come to whatever expensive drinking and food place you're all going to" is going to get picked apart because that's what some people are like.

Even if she gave that response, some moaning minny down the bar would be saying "see, told you she was stuck up... She thinks she's so much better than us because she doesn't want to come drinking... We're young and free and she's prioritising staying at home to save, bet she thinks she is so much more mature than us"
People like that love an excuse to nit pick and feel hard done to.

How do I sign up for one of these schemes please

Excellent post by @notnowmaybelater

LolaSmiles, your post is spot on!

Make polite excuses about being busy/having other plans when friends go to expensive places and you don't want to go. That way you are not opening yourself up to criticism.

You realise that salary won't go far when you're actually paying living expenses. This feels like a humble brag but I'm not sure the content is braggable.. Why do so many people know exactly how much you earn Vs your outgoings?

You save and buy your own house. Good for you. Take no notice of them. X

Lionel, the op has said her colleagues on her scheme all earn the same so everyone knows what each of them get every month. It seems most of the others if not all are not near enough to live with family so have to pay out quite a bit. I expect they enjoy life though, they'e young.

In a few years they'll all be on the same level and none of this will matter. I honestly wish it didn't matter right now, frankly.

You realise that salary won't go far when you're actually paying living expenses.
That's a spiteful little comment.

Given how hard it is for young people to get on the housing ladder nowadays i think it's perfectly reasonable for parents to allow their kids to live rent free if they are in a position to do this, so that adult kids can get on the property ladder sooner. When i was starting out you could rent and still save a deposit, but it's harder for young people nowadays