People making me feel bad for my disposable income

[vilnerf]

I've just started the 2nd year of my grad scheme (banking). Luckily I have been sent to an office that is very close to my childhood home for all of my placements. Petrol and phone are really my only bills.

I take home roughly £2400 after tax. Friends, colleagues and family are consistently making digs at me i.e I should be the one to pay or "how can you be skint". Also, I don't buy a tonne of stuff but prefer to buy decent quality products. I recently bought a designer bag (wasn't as expensive as you might expect) but received a lot of judgy comments.

Also, I've been able to save a lot and will be able to buy a house in the not too distant future. And literally no one is excited for me. Trust me I'm not rubbing my good fortune in other people's faces but it's starting to make me feel bad.

The other day at after-work drinks my colleague felt it necessary to announce to all the grads visiting from another city that I live at home and don't have to pay rent.

AIBU?

I worked my tits off to prepare for my assessment centre as I knew working for my company would not only be an amazing professional move but a great financial one also.

YABU, but only in being surprised at people's behaviour! Jealousy is ugly but it's their issue - don't let it become yours. Next time it happens, nod sagely.

Keep your business to yourself and they won’t be able to comment

But they do! When I was teaching we all knew roughly what each other earned, there were published rates. Our daughter went to a fee-paying school and we took them to the States every couple of years and I received so many comments, especially from those who chose to live from over-draft to over-draft because they were out several times of week and drove newish cars. As in all income groups the key is the management of money.

It sounds as if you’re rubbing up your colleagues the wrong way. You need to choose your words more carefully. You can afford to go out and far more but you’re choosing not to. It’s good to see you’ve come back from hard times. Just remember to give your parents a lovely Xmas present.

Tell people that "circumstances have changed at home and now you have to pay rent"

You sort of are with all of the saving.

You should be proud you have a sensible head on your sholders and have done well from hard work. Don't let others tear your efforts down.

My sons give me money each month and I put every penny away for them. This encourages them to budget but I dont want or need their money. This is mounting up ready for them to spend on carpets, white goods and furniture as Im buying their houses for them.
Some are more luckier than others I guess
Just ignore jealous comments

I don't anyone who isn't close family would know so much about my life tbh.
Why do they know your business?

DD gets round this exact problem
By saying to anyone that asks or comments “I
Am really lucky right now as my parents don’t take any rent from me to help
Me save for a deposit” and “I won’t go to that event thanks for the offer but it’s a lot and it’s a step nearer to moving out and getting my own place”

If necessary she down plays living at home making out it’s a sacrifice to enable her to get a house. To be fair it probably is lol she’s lived away from home for the last four years so coming home is deffo
A step down. One step back two forwards.

Some of your colleagues - perhaps those whose parents are not allowing them to put their money away towards a house deposit rather than paying rent - may be envious. You may well be clever and hardworking, OP, but you are also lucky in that you have parents who are willing and able to house you. Not everyone is in that position. So complaining that you 'can't afford' things is going to make you come across as whiny and spoilt. You'd do better just to say that eg expensive bars are 'not your thing but thanks for the invite.'

It’s great you’re in such a solid position financially. I graduated from uni in the midst of the financial cash so my friends and I could only find low paid jobs and temp work. You should be proud of your success and grateful for the position you’re in, saving now will set you up for the future.

As others have said it’s best not to discuss your income/outgoings with people because people can really pry. And you don’t even need to give a reason for why you’re not going out - you can just say you don’t fancy it. Also understand that people probably are excited for you, but if they are quite far off those milestones themselves it can make them feel like they’re not doing as well as they should be. Money is sensitive, it’s emotive. There might be other grads in your program who earn the same but are paying high rent, or supporting family, who will feel jealous/resentful of your position. Just be aware.

You're very lucky to have kind and generous parents, which many people dont have so there may be envy around that too. My parents are like that, and I've been called spoilt in the past. I'm certainly not spoilt as I appreciate everything but I recognise I've been very fortunate.

Unfortunately some people just aren't very nice. Keep working hard, keep saving hard and ignore them, and try to be even more discreet!

*crash

Just say “l’m saving for a house deposit”. Or even, “my parents don’t charge me rent because I’m saving for a house deposit so I’d feel a bit cheeky going for expensive nights out” (that would probably fly better if you hadn’t bought the designer bag though)

One tip though from someone who’s done the whole grad scheme thing - don’t underestimate how important the social side is. As you all progress in your careers, these people become your trusted professional network. You do NOT want to be the person who never picks up a tab.

Why don't you pay rent?

Maybe parents don't need the money, can happily afford for her to be home without contributing to the finances and want their dd to just save her money instead. Many parents do. I'd do the same for DD if she was to come and live back at home when older for some reason.

Your rental arrangements with your parents are none of your colleagues business. Nor that of the nay sayers on this thread.

So stop talking about your personal finances with colleagues. They shouldn’t be making catty comments, but at the same time they’re only human and having to listen to someone who has self-admittedly very few outgoings saying she “can’t afford” to go out for drinks is probably sticking in their craw. Why not just say you have other plans?

As for your contemplating suicide at university, that’s very sad. But you may be surrounded by any number of colleagues who worked equally hard, contemplated suicide and are in straightened financial circumstances due to high rent, outgoings.

Just come up with another excuse for not going to expensive bars and keep your financial details close your chest.

You're the one who's told your colleagues you are living rent free. I would assume anyone living with their parents was at least contributing to the bills, so I wouldnt know about their disposable income unless they told me. Also, if they are earning the same as you, why are they jealous? It must be something you're doing to rub them up the wrong way. Do you go out but only buy a drink for yourself, or go out for a meal and don't eat anything for example? I know people who do this. It does put a downer on everything.

You’re in a privileged position, so of course some people are going to be jealous. On here, and in real life. Keep your finances to yourself, and don’t over share.

People on mumsnet often can’t understand (or choose not to) that some people don’t need the money from their adult children paying rent, and would much rather allow them to save for their own house etc.

Ignore the jealous people, and keep your business to yourself. Especially at work! I do think that complaining that nobody is excited for you that you can buy a house is a bit silly though. Why should they be?

I've had to fight for this. I know I've been lucky but I've had to overcome obstacles just like everyone else

OP, I mean this kindly but life isn’t an X-Factor audition. Lots of people overcome obstacles and have shit careers, a lot of people are handed good fortune and opportunity on a plate. It’s not about fight. Life isn’t fair and if you’re telling people about your struggles in relation to what you earn, you’ll get their backs up.

You sound smart, but quite naive. Stop talking to people about money.

I work in a team where we all know each other’s salary (HR) and I’m more senior than my colleagues and earn c. £30k more than most of them. I was also fortunate enough to get on the housing ladder 10-15 years earlier than most of them, and I’m the only one without childcare costs. My disposable income is huge. Based on what our husbands do, I’d make an educated guess that mine makes at least double what any of theirs make.

I never, ever discuss finances with anyone whether in a positive or negative context. If I’m ever asked what my bag/coat etc cost, I say it was a present if it’s an expensive piece.
If we’re talking about a restaurant or hotel, I don’t comment on it in relation to cost- whether I think it dear or cheap.

Outside of work, I rarely tell anyone what I do. I just give a very generic “I work in an office” response and say my husband works in a bank. If I’m asked what my mortgage is, I’ll say “about average for the area”. If someone pushes, I ask them why they want to know and that tends to shut them up. If I have to, I’ll end it with “that’s a very personal question, I’m not comfortable going in to it”.

You need to get smarter about this. You also don’t owe anyone an explanation or the truth. If you’re asked if you pay rent at home, just say yes and refuse to engage further.

Well done you!! You deserve this and worked hard for it!! Enjoy it! Try not to let people make you feel bad that's their ignorance not yours!! Bloody anoys me things like this.

My friend earns alot more than me and able to do things that I many need to save (a while) for. But I'm so proud of her. She has worked so hard to achieve her goals. I never expect her to pay for things if we meet for lunch say. etc Although my career is different we both laugh about how we can't believe our dreams are actually coming true especially because we have been through so much.

Maybe have a wee word with your friends and say to them? how it's making you feel.

Shine bright like a diamond and be bloody proud of yourself!!

Have you posted this before??

Rings a bell. Grad scheme in accountancy/big4?

It's the way you're phrasing it, OP.

Stop saying you "can't afford" it. Start saying either "I'm saving to move out" or "my parents insist that I save up so I can move out".

I think it usually makes people feel warmer toward you if they perceive you have some type of relatable hardship in your life eg being stuck at home with bossy parents. The other grads will be about the same age as you and will feel better about themselves because they are independent. Feeling that you are in a better position than someone else usually engenders some pity if not sympathy for their perceived worse position. (Your parents actually sound lovely so you'll have to keep that to yourself.)

YABU for moaning about being skint when you clearly aren’t. YABU for not paying any rent. YABU if you go on about saving like you’re super virtuous when actually it’s only possible because your parents are paying your bills (I don’t know if you do this, apologies if you don’t, but most of the people I know who save loads by living at home seem to think it’s a personal failing of others when they spend money on rent and bills rather than saving)

Jealous people will jump on the word “skint” because you’re clearly not. I understand why you’d say it though. It feels less awkward than saying “yes, I’ve got the money to do X, but I just don’t want to” or something similar.

I think you’ll need to find a way of bowing out of the things you want to, without giving people a chance to jump on it. You have a right to buy what you want, when you want. Who cares about how much your designer bag cost. Just because people are jealous and petty doesn’t mean you haven’t worked for it, and you don’t deserve it.

@Petrichor11 OP is not being unreasonable not paying rent. The parents don’t want or need rent. And have decided the money is better spent on a house deposit etc for the OP. How is that unreasonable?

Definitely save while you can, it's a good habit. My parents never charged me rent whilst back during university holidays and gave me enough money during term time as they did not want me working whilst studying. I await the flaming however I graduated without any form of debt and made sure the money lasted throughout the holidays.
We live close enough to London so that our DCs have the option, should they choose, to live at home which will certainly be rent free.