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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite her? Would you?

165 replies

HopeAndDriftWood · 02/12/2019 10:05

Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We get married in April, and he has a group of friends from school that will be attending. There's 7 men and 1 woman.

We don't live that close to the friends anymore so don't see them often, and I've only met the woman four times as she had a child a few years ago and then split with her partner, so she's been quite busy. From the first time I met her, she blanked me completely. She treats other girlfriends/partners the same, and I tried to rise above it. The group threw us a little engagement meal and she came to that, but didn't talk to me even when her daughter was playing with me.

To be honest, I didn't think she'd come to the wedding if she hated the bride, so I didn't mind her being invited. But we saw them yesterday for the first time since the invites went out, and she went out of her way to be cold and hostile. She does seem to be intending to come to the wedding, she had a bit of a cry over not having a role and wanting to be a groomsman, and she rolled off a list of things she wanted to plan for his stag... I kept my cool and had a good chat with the barman.

If I'm honest, I don't want her to come. It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she makes it very obvious and awkward, and I can see that causing drama. I feel like she had her chance to be civil last night and we should remove her from the guest list... but I don't want to be the reason that he's not included in the group anymore. Fiancé is happy to do whatever makes me happier - either tell her that she can't come, or talk to her/one of the other men and try to find a solution.

Would it be completely unreasonable to just uninvite her? We probably won't see her before the wedding.

OP posts:
Roussette · 02/12/2019 10:10

Can't your Fiance talk to her, maybe email her? Saying that he is worried that she appears to have a problem with you, and maybe if that's the case it would be best if she didn't come to the wedding. He needs to say that he has noticed that she is very curt, dismissive and rude to you.

I imagine she holds a torch for your fiance!

DryHeaving · 02/12/2019 10:10

I wouldn't want someone who ignored me at my wedding. She is rude. She knows she is being rude and doesn't care
Why didn't you or your partner address it at the time.?

champagneandfromage50 · 02/12/2019 10:13

I would not invite someone to my wedding who treated me like that. She might be your partners friend but that doesn’t give her the right to be purposefully rude. My DH had a female friend like that he had known since Uni. Saw herself as one of the boys and was rude to woman, she used to jump on my DH lap , ignore me in my own home so I told him she wasn’t welcome back. He hasn’t seen her for ten years. You partner should speak to her about her behaviour and call her out. My worry if he says your not invited he will do what most blokes do and say ‘ xxx doesn’t want you to come to the wedding as she doesn’t feel comfortable with you there as she thinks you don’t like her’ rather than just calling her out on being rude to you.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 02/12/2019 10:14

DP should be having words with his friend. Totally unacceptable.

Alb1 · 02/12/2019 10:15

Can’t your partner sort it? He nos how you feel and has known this woman a long time, he should either be able to talk to her and ask what her issue is, reassure you that she’s just awkward or something (which it doesn’t sound like is the case), or uninvite her himself as she’s his guest. I don’t see why you need to be the bad guy here, it’s his wedding and his friend.

I wouldn’t want her their either for the record but I would also want my DH to help me out rather than being passive and people pleasing about it.

Roussette · 02/12/2019 10:15

Yes, that's why it has to come from him.

"I've noticed you are rude and dismissive with my fiance, Hope. It's obvious to me that you don't like her and for that reason, I am sorry but it's bet if you don't come to the wedding. I'm sure you understand. This is a special day for us both"

That makes it perfectly clear he has got your back and isn't buying into her nonsense.

Roussette · 02/12/2019 10:16

*best

OlaEliza · 02/12/2019 10:16

I wouldn't invite her. I wouldn't pay for and have someone there that treats me that way.

Fuck her and her hurt feelings, she doesn't give a shit about yours.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/12/2019 10:20

Does your fiance agree shes cold?
TBH I wouldnt want to pay for an outright bitch to attend my wedding- just need to be sure your fiance is fully on board.

countdowntochristmas · 02/12/2019 10:22

Agree with others your partner needs to have a word .
To uninvite her will give her more ammunition for her to dislike you .
I would of said to her what's the problem here .
Perhaps she has feelings for your partner who knows or maybe she's a bitch but call her out say grow up or don't come to the wedding.

chachachachachacha · 02/12/2019 10:22

I wouldn't have her there. She's not going to celebrate your marriage and happiness, she can fuck off really.

Sagradafamiliar · 02/12/2019 10:24

She's never spoken to you? What does your fiancé think about her odd behaviour? I'd be mortified in his shoes.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/12/2019 10:26

What does your husband think about her behaviour? I think that needs to be a starting point as you are going to have to suffer this at a lot of other social situations and it's not really fair.

I'd get him to talk to the couple of males he is closest to and ask how her behaviour affects their girlfriends or wives just to see their opinion.

Then I'd get him to have a conversation with her, saying he has noticed she blanks you and the other women in the group and ask why. If she denies it, he can come back with facts, say she hasn't spoken to you once.

Then ask if she thinks its appropriate that she comes to the wedding, given it's about the two of you not just supporting one friend, and her actions so far have made it clear she isn't really supportive of you as a couple.

I'm not sure I'd univite her straight away because if the others in the group dont see it or dont mind it, then they may side with her and your fiance may find it is awkward for everyone else and leave him out. If it's a big wedding you probably wont notice one person ignoring you.

Given her friends are mostly Male she sounds like someone who hates women and sees them as some sort of competition. I dont think that's healthy and I think it will be very deep seated and i dont think she will (or can easily) change - if she is suddenly polite to you I'd think it was fake. I say that as someone who has a lot of male friends, I'm a bit more shy around girls as I am not at all 'girly' and sometimes feel like I have nothing in common with them but I would never ignore them and when I have spent time with my friends girlfriends and wives I have eventually become good friends with them

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2019 10:27

This is difficult because you've already invited her. Not inviting her in the first place would have been better,

I think I'd let my fiancé try to find a solution before I uninvite because it could cause ructions across the friendship group if she's uninvited.

fivesecondrule · 02/12/2019 10:28

Is she like this with the other mens DP's or just you?

FizzyGreenWater · 02/12/2019 10:33

"I've noticed you are rude and dismissive with my fiance, Hope. It's obvious to me that you don't like her and for that reason, I am sorry but it's bet if you don't come to the wedding. I'm sure you understand. This is a special day for us both"

This.

If she was just a bit off, I'd let it go - it's not easy to cause issues in friendships. But if it's potentially causing drama, then all bets are off - that's the line drawn. Don't fuck with me, don't fuck with my wedding, and don't think you get to be dismissive of me and not get called otu on it.

Uninvite her and save everyone a load of hassle including your fiance.

misspiggy19 · 02/12/2019 10:37

I wouldn't want someone who ignored me at my wedding. She is rude. She knows she is being rude and doesn't care

^This. Also why are the men in the group allowing her to treat all female partners like this?

fivesecondrule · 02/12/2019 10:40

Sorry I've just seen the answer to my question in your OP.... and in that case I agree with misspiggy. Someone needs to stand up to her.

Devereux1 · 02/12/2019 10:41

I'm so happy to see your fiance is supporting you OP, for a start. I have a couple of friends who are in a similar situation (not about a wedding, but both about a new girlfriend/partner of one of their husbands' friends). In both situations the new girlfriend is cold and hostile to my friends, but in both situations their husbands are either oblivious to it or keep excusing the hostile woman to 'keep the peace' and pressure my friends to ignore her and still go to events where they know they will be treated badly by her.

Rambly way there to say at least you have that, which is great. Then I'd uninvite her, and let your fiance explain in the way that a PP said so well. This is a day for friends and family, for love and support, for everything that's good between people, not hostility, coldness and discomfort.

ISmellBabies · 02/12/2019 10:45

Uninvite and tell her why.

SlayingDragons · 02/12/2019 10:46

We had someone like this - she was part of the big friendship group that DH was in at uni. I am younger than him so when I got to uni a lot of them had just graduated, or were 4th year when I was 1st year. Some of them took to me, some of them didn’t. (Most other people in the group had got together with someone else in that same group so DH was something of an outlier - esp as I was 5 years younger than him.)

This particular girl just never spoke to me at all. She definitely saw herself as one of the guys and while she had a couple of close female friends, it really was only a couple - the rest of her good friends were male. (She even house shared with 3 guys)

About a year before our wedding (not long after we had got engaged) another couple got married and at the reception she was holding the floor (as always) and made a comment about how great it was for everyone to be together again. She then said that the next wedding was ours so that would be the next time they’d probably all be together, and isn’t it handy that DH found himself a fiancée so they could have a good catch up.

I cut in and asked how she knew she’d be getting an invite and she laughed it off with an “of course I will!”

Needless to say, she wasn’t invited and DH hasn’t seen her since. No way was someone who was totally dismissive of me (over a period of 3 years at that point) and was arrogantly announcing to all and sundry that my wedding was a convenience for her to see her friends, coming to my wedding.

katseyes7 · 02/12/2019 10:46

My sister in law (husband's brother's wife) was like this with me. 'Nice' in front of my in laws but very cool and 'off' with me. She never spoke to me once on our wedding day, and during the service their little one started crying and she made no attempt to quieten her. Apparently my brother in law (he was our best man) had told her that if the baby 'started' she had to take her out. She didn't. And one of my friends told me she just stood there, didn't soothe the baby or do anything to calm her down.
She'd been with my brother in law from them being at school, so was very much 'in' with the family. l came from a different town and didn't know the people they did.
They all thought the sun shone out of her. Especially my husband. Nothing l said made any difference.
l think you need to make your feelings very plain before the wedding. l hope all goes well for you x

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 10:47

Surely the other women speak to their partners about this woman? It sounds as though you'd get a lot of support if you didn't invite her.

rhubarbcrumbles · 02/12/2019 10:49

Has she already been invited? If she has it's a bit more awkward. If it's still at the guest list stage then I'd take her off.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 02/12/2019 10:50

Why is your DP friends with someone who's an arse to you?

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