Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To uninvite her? Would you?

165 replies

HopeAndDriftWood · 02/12/2019 10:05

Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We get married in April, and he has a group of friends from school that will be attending. There's 7 men and 1 woman.

We don't live that close to the friends anymore so don't see them often, and I've only met the woman four times as she had a child a few years ago and then split with her partner, so she's been quite busy. From the first time I met her, she blanked me completely. She treats other girlfriends/partners the same, and I tried to rise above it. The group threw us a little engagement meal and she came to that, but didn't talk to me even when her daughter was playing with me.

To be honest, I didn't think she'd come to the wedding if she hated the bride, so I didn't mind her being invited. But we saw them yesterday for the first time since the invites went out, and she went out of her way to be cold and hostile. She does seem to be intending to come to the wedding, she had a bit of a cry over not having a role and wanting to be a groomsman, and she rolled off a list of things she wanted to plan for his stag... I kept my cool and had a good chat with the barman.

If I'm honest, I don't want her to come. It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she makes it very obvious and awkward, and I can see that causing drama. I feel like she had her chance to be civil last night and we should remove her from the guest list... but I don't want to be the reason that he's not included in the group anymore. Fiancé is happy to do whatever makes me happier - either tell her that she can't come, or talk to her/one of the other men and try to find a solution.

Would it be completely unreasonable to just uninvite her? We probably won't see her before the wedding.

OP posts:

Motoko · 02/12/2019 11:44

What was your partner's response when she said she wanted to organise his stag do?

CAG12 · 02/12/2019 11:45

My no1 fave tactic with these type of people is to very obviously speak directly ro them whilst in a group. They have a choice then to be rude or not. If theyre funny with you then others can see it.

Lovemenorca · 02/12/2019 11:45

Have you spoken about this with any of the other partners?

Hopefloatsaway · 02/12/2019 11:51

Have your official invites already been sent ? That’s a bit early if so. If it’s just a save the date card then don’t invite her at all.

HollowTalk · 02/12/2019 11:53

I think it has to be your boyfriend who uninvites her, not you. The message needs to be clear. And he should tell the other guys so that when she goes crying to them, they are all saying the same thing.

Icanflyhigh · 02/12/2019 11:56

Absolutely uninvite her. She sounds awful.
I get married in June next year and theres a few of DPs friends that have shown themselves to be absolute asshats recently and they've all been uninvited. DP took care of it though.

Awkward1 · 02/12/2019 11:57

Im wondering if the responses would be the same if the friend were a he. Would he be allowed to ignore a girlfriend.
Anyway the friend is your dp's not yours. They could be shy or rude.

BillHadersNewWife · 02/12/2019 11:58

Sack her off. Don't worry about any comeback...by the sound of it, her popularity is wearing thin anyway. Also, it sounds like she has a thing for your fiance. She had a cry??

Original poster

HopeAndDriftWood · 02/12/2019 12:04

Why on earth was she invited in the first place?!

That was my fault, sadly 🙈I figured she'd either be civil if she wanted to come or decline if she can't stand me... I wouldn't go to the wedding of someone I hated! One of fiancé's best friends is in the group and I didn't want to risk upsetting his friend group by leaving one person out.

What was your partner's response when she said she wanted to organise his stag do?

He was a bit irrate by this point so he just bluntly said it had already been arranged with his groomsmen and then went back to talking to me.

Have you spoken about this with any of the other partners?

Two. One is the partner of the close friend, she said the woman cried when he talked to her about it and it didn't seem to have made a difference so she just doesn't go anywhere that she thinks the female friend will be, but that doesn't seem a long term solution. One couple split recently, the other have two children so don't tend to be out together.

Have your official invites already been sent ? That’s a bit early if so. If it’s just a save the date card then don’t invite her at all.

No technically just a save-the-date, although our friends seem odd and 95% of the people who got them have text us to say they're coming. We'll do official invites after Christmas. I was trying to fit this into the main post but I didn't want to make it crazily long! So we could technically just not send her an actual invite - although I think fiancé would want to talk to her and tell her why.

Im wondering if the responses would be the same if the friend were a he. Would he be allowed to ignore a girlfriend.
Anyway the friend is your dp's not yours. They could be shy or rude.

I can't speak for everyone, but I don't really want anyone at my wedding who would ignore me, or fiancé. It doesn't really matter that she's a woman... She's definitely not the type of person who comes across as shy, but I did leave her to it the first time we met just incase. After four years, it's definitely more rude than shy.

I get married in June next year and theres a few of DPs friends that have shown themselves to be absolute asshats recently and they've all been uninvited. DP took care of it though.

Ah, I'm sorry about that - glad DP dealt with it, though! It sounds like I should just let mine deal with it too.

OP posts:

peachesforfree · 02/12/2019 12:05

On a more charitable note, maybe its nothing personal at all and all about her own struggles - you say she is a single parent - it might be hard for her seeing all her close mates settle down when she is feeling she had and lost that. Sometimes it's difficult to be happy for others who have something that you want, even if you are a nice person, you only have to read any number of threads about ppl struggling with pregnancy announcements or unable to attend baby showers to see that. Your dp could have a gentle word (as other pp have said stating that HE has noticed it) and find out if this is the case.

MzHz · 02/12/2019 12:06

If I were your fiancé, I’d go with an approach along the lines of “Ive noticed you’re off with my fiancée and are being rude and dismissive of her, is there a specific reason for this, or is it just like all the other times with our other friends and their girlfriends? Did you think we didn’t notice?

I’m not prepared for you to attend if you can’t be kind to her, and your rudeness is offensive and upsetting to us both.

So... you have a choice, you wish me well with my wedding to the woman I love, apologise to both me and Hope, pack all the rudeness in and be normal like everyone else, or you don’t come.

What’s it going to be? No apology, no invitation.

messolini9 · 02/12/2019 12:07

My no1 fave tactic with these type of people is to very obviously speak directly ro them whilst in a group. They have a choice then to be rude or not.

My thoughts exactly @CAG12.
In OP's position, I'd wait until the next get-together, & when Ms Dismissive turned up, I'd make sure that all were gathered while loudly proclaiming "well hello, it's Rudefriend, who refuses to talk to me & is cold & hostile to my every attempt to be civil to her. How ARE you, Rudefriend, are you going to crack tonight & actually say hello?"

Bollocks to 'keeping the peace' & 'don't want awkward'.
For the OP, it's already non-peaceful & awkward. May as well call it.
At least it is then acknowledged openly in the group - & Rudefriend can decide how she responds from there.
Right now, the entire group is enabling Rudefriend's behaviour. I find it hard to believe that nobody has called her out on it in 4 years. No wonder she doesn't make any effort - she thinks all the men support her bad manners.

yearinyearout · 02/12/2019 12:09

Definitely uninvite her! On your wedding day you should be surrounded by people who love and care about you, not worrying about nasty guests!
I would get your fiancé to tell her in no uncertain terms that she isn't coming, and tell her in no uncertain terms why!

Jamielyn · 02/12/2019 12:11

Uninvite her! she'll make you feel uncomfortable on your wedding day.
It's special to you, so keep away the negativity.

MzHz · 02/12/2019 12:13

Any revocation of invitation has to be done by your fiancé

He has to tell her that he noticed her attitude towards you, and he was all for not inviting her, but that you wanted to include her because she’s a supposed friend.

Sadly her generosity was potentially misplaced.

You did the right thing Hope, you gave her the benefit of the doubt, but she’s so bitter and miserable on herself that she can’t be happy for your fiancé and why the fuck would you both lash out a shot load of money for someone who begrudges your happiness?

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/12/2019 12:19

"I'll let fiancé talk to her and see how it goes; he'd be happy with telling her she can no longer come but like some people said; I don't really want her painting it like I've excluded her. And I tried to be the bigger person by inviting her, although that seems to have been a mistake... I didn't really expect to have much guest list stress!"

TBH I really feel if she's such a friend he should have raised her shitty behaviour with her long since. A simple "why are you being so nasty to my GF, stop it now" would have gone a long way. Since he didn't just do this automatically, I have to wonder how good a friend this woman is - not just to your fiance, but to the other seven men too. Sounds like she just treats them as a queen bee would her drones!

I think what I'm trying to say is - do not fear that him having a word with her will lead to him being ostracised from this group ( "I don't want to be the reason that he's not included in the group anymore" ) - remember, she "treats other girlfriends/partners the same" [as she treats you] - I'd be very surprised if none of these girlfriends/partners have complained to their OHs about her. I expect the other seven men are as paralysed as your fiance is, waiting for one of the others to deal with it - a sort of 'bystander syndrome'.

And so what if she tries "painting it like I've excluded her" ? Really, so what? All that is required is to say that neither of you wanted someone so openly hostile and rude towards you bringing that hostility to your wedding. Everyone in that group will know exactly what you mean, and be pleased that one of the others has finally dealt with it. (So they don't have to, whew, the relief!)

Roussette · 02/12/2019 12:25

On a more charitable note, maybe its nothing personal at all and all about her own struggles

Or maybe she's just an arse. No one should behave like this.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 02/12/2019 12:34

I’m afraid that I think it is unacceptable that your fiancé has had to be prompted by you to speak to her, and that he is “happy to whatever makes you happier”.

A good man would not push the decision back on you. He would notice the behaviour, call her out on it and tell her she was not invited. All without you needing to say a thing.

squeaver · 02/12/2019 12:44

Why do they out up with her, as a group, when she's obviously such an awful person?

squeaver · 02/12/2019 12:45

put

Owlypants · 02/12/2019 13:00

Tell her that she's not invited as she's clearly incapable of being polite or civil and you really don't want your day spoiled by a dour faced squid.

Cheeseandwin5 · 02/12/2019 13:01

I agree with others that your DF should speak to her. That said I dont think you should dis invited her, Unless you are happy with your DF dis inviting your friends ( which I sure all the posters suggesting this would go mad about) then you need to leave it to him to decide (obviously after hearing your POV)

Cuteypye · 02/12/2019 13:09

I would suggest that as the “save the day” notices have been sent out that you should invite her. However just send her an evening invitation. Then she really knows that there hasn’t been an accident and she’s not received the invitation! I am sure that when she realises that she is the only one of the friends, who has not been invited to the whole day, she will just not come!

One word of warning if you just don’t send her an invitation, or just an evening one (without your dp telling her why she hasn’t received a whole day invitation), make sure that nobody else in the friendship group has a plus 1, if they don’t have a partner. I wouldn’t put it past her to beg to be the plus 1, to try and put you in your place!

Have a lovely day without this awful person being there!

PlumsGalore · 02/12/2019 13:21

If you’ve only done a save the date, send her an evening invite only and don’t cater for her in the headcount that way it won’t cost you anything and she probably won’t come after all.

You can completely ignore her in n evening do
And never speak to her again.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2019 13:39

Let your fiancé talk to her, the sooner the better. And let him tell her that if things don't change she won't be getting an invite.

Seems to me she regards this group of male friends as her 'property' since she regards all the gfs and wives as 'Other Women' and treats you all accordingly.

Wonder what caused her breakup? Maybe her DP/DH got sick of playing second fiddle?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread