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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To uninvite her? Would you?

165 replies

HopeAndDriftWood · 02/12/2019 10:05

Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We get married in April, and he has a group of friends from school that will be attending. There's 7 men and 1 woman.

We don't live that close to the friends anymore so don't see them often, and I've only met the woman four times as she had a child a few years ago and then split with her partner, so she's been quite busy. From the first time I met her, she blanked me completely. She treats other girlfriends/partners the same, and I tried to rise above it. The group threw us a little engagement meal and she came to that, but didn't talk to me even when her daughter was playing with me.

To be honest, I didn't think she'd come to the wedding if she hated the bride, so I didn't mind her being invited. But we saw them yesterday for the first time since the invites went out, and she went out of her way to be cold and hostile. She does seem to be intending to come to the wedding, she had a bit of a cry over not having a role and wanting to be a groomsman, and she rolled off a list of things she wanted to plan for his stag... I kept my cool and had a good chat with the barman.

If I'm honest, I don't want her to come. It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she makes it very obvious and awkward, and I can see that causing drama. I feel like she had her chance to be civil last night and we should remove her from the guest list... but I don't want to be the reason that he's not included in the group anymore. Fiancé is happy to do whatever makes me happier - either tell her that she can't come, or talk to her/one of the other men and try to find a solution.

Would it be completely unreasonable to just uninvite her? We probably won't see her before the wedding.

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/12/2019 10:51

He needs to tackle this. "Hi X, I've noticed you are incredibly cool towards Y, and even up until last night you completely blank her. Is there a reason for this?"

OrangeZog · 02/12/2019 10:52

I don’t understand why your fiancé hasn’t addressed this with her already? He needs to tell her that he has seen how rudely she has behaved and as a result he is uninviting her from the wedding.

friedbeansandcheese · 02/12/2019 10:52

She obviously sees herself as one of the guys and you - and the other girlfriends - as interlopers. Is she 12?? What does your p think about her behaviour?

He needs to contact her and tell her in no uncertain terms how rude she's being and that he's uninviting her.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/12/2019 10:53

Unless he knows exactly why she is like this

user1471449295 · 02/12/2019 10:54

Nah. I’d uninvited her and tell her why. Especially if your fiancé is easy either way. There’s not a chance in hell I’d have someone like that at my wedding. It’s supposed to be a happy, joyous occasion with your nearest and dearest wishing you both the best. She’s a rude cow.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/12/2019 10:55

Has anyone else in the circle of 'ignored girlfriends/partners' got married yet? If so, how did she behave then/was she invited? And why are none of the men putting their foot down and having a quiet word with her about her behaviour? If they truly see her as 'one of the lads' then they shouldn't hesitate to pull her up on it, surely?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/12/2019 10:56

I feel quite strongly about your post. I had a relative who had to mean mean to me since I was a small child and stopped speaking to me althogether when I invited her to my wedding. My parents kept saying they didn't want me to rock the boat, even though I genuinely hadn't done anything to cause this everyone deferred to her because they didn't want the animosity directed against them. The response was "just ignore it" "rise above it", "dont make everyone uncomfortable," What they meant was, don't make things uncomfortable for them.
I was endlessly worried, to the point of sleepless nights, in the run up to the wedding that this unbalanced Drama Queen would cause a big scene or accidentially spill wine on my dress or something. This didn't happen luckily, but on the day she made a point of throwing me dirty looks throughout, complaining about me to my new husband's relatives and made a big display to all of ignoring any friendly approaches I made. She clearly did not wish me well, and made me feel very uncomfortable. It wasn't nice and I simply would not put up with this again from anyone now.
My point is, that she was a long term relative but this woman is a friend of your fiance and has pointedly ignored you and refused to speak to you on every one of the three occasions you've met her. Who on earth does she think she is to treat you like that?
You don't have to like each other, but she does have to be civil, as you have been and if she makes her contempt so obvious why on earth does she think she's entitled to come to your wedding and behave like that on the day?
Don't put up with this, only well wishers and people who can behave themselves have a right to come to your wedding. Fiance either has a conversation with her or you do.. (he should have done this before quite frankly) and if she can't agree to behave, she has no right to attend and to hell with what the other "friends" think.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 02/12/2019 10:58

How much of an impact would it have on your wedding if the rest of the group took it badly and either some of them didn't show up in solidarity or came to the wedding and brought it up there? Would that be more hassle than having her there? Or is it not that close a group and would the others just stay out of it/sympathize if they've had their own issues with this friend and their partners?

I only ask as I know of a slightly similar situation and it ended up with the bride in tears at the reception because she was convinced there was a whole table of guests bitching about her.

KatherineJaneway · 02/12/2019 11:02

I'd uninvite her. Wouldn't want such a rude person at my wedding.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/12/2019 11:05

I wouldn't uninvite her. I would be sweetly condescending to her every time I saw her, and make it obvious that I found her attitude more amusing than upsetting. But then I am that kind of a bitch.

QueenofallIsee · 02/12/2019 11:10

I wouldn’t invite her. I got married in October and should have scratched 2 people from the guest list for sure - one who blatantly has a massive crush on my husband and behaved atrociously (won’t be seeing her again and he agrees, he was mortified) and one who doesn’t like me and was very dismissive of me. I was furious and though I wouldn’t change a thing about the wedding, i do wish I had done what I wanted and not what I felt obligated to do.

ChuckleBuckles · 02/12/2019 11:13

This is a DP problem, for four years he has allowed you to be treated like this by someone who is his friend, and I bet he has advised you to not let it get to you, be the bigger person all because he wants an easy life. Let him deal with her, he should not have people in his life that will treat you with such disrespect.

ActualHornist · 02/12/2019 11:13

I wouldn’t want to be made out to be the hardarsed bitch that uninvited her - because no matter the reason, that’s what she’ll spin it as.

Your partner must attempt to address this with her. Tell her that she’s in real danger of being uninvited because her behaviour towards you is unacceptable.

It really doesn’t matter why she’s like the way she is - the fact is, her behaviour is appalling. She can’t expect to be embraced in the bosom of her friends if she can’t even be civil to the wife-to-be of one of her closest friends!

crosspelican · 02/12/2019 11:15

He needs to have a word with her, or possibly with one of the others who can be a bit more directly "WTF, woman?" with her, because no - you shouldn't have to have someone attend your wedding who has made her contempt for you abundantly clear, but I'm a pushover and I would want to see how she responded if it was pointed out to her what a massive bitch she was being and how she was putting her friendships at risk by behaving like this. It might be a wakeup call.

shinysinkredemption · 02/12/2019 11:15

What does your DH to be think? he should have spoken to her about this before now, for sure.

KurriKurri · 02/12/2019 11:19

I think people who have shown they can't behave themselves in normal situations don't get to come to special occasions. IME weddings etc. tend to bring out the worst in awful people - drink is flowing, emotions are to the fore, and you don't want your special day marred by someone kicking off. She's had her chance to be pleasant and she's chosen not to. Now you get to choose whether you want her at your wedding. She sounds very strange.

Greencustard · 02/12/2019 11:21

Oh god, DP has a 'friend' who does this to me. The last time we were all at a wedding and other people noticed her continually blanking me, she made a complete tit of herself. No-one knows why she blanks me, it's all very confusing. I can't wait to exclude her from the next get together.

YouokHun · 02/12/2019 11:24

I've noticed you are rude and dismissive with my fiance, Hope. It's obvious to me that you don't like her and for that reason, I am sorry but it's bet if you don't come to the wedding. I'm sure you understand. This is a special day for us both

^^ this. As @Roussette and @champagneandfromage50 say, he’s absolutely got to say I have noticed you are unpleasant to Hope not Hope has a problem with you. There’s no way she should be attending your wedding. She sounds like one of those women who thinks she’s “one of the lads” (you never are and what a weird goal) and she thinks she knows him better and you’re on her territory which is why he (and ideally the other men with partners she treats with hostility) need to put her right.

NellieEllie · 02/12/2019 11:25

I find it weird that your fiancée hasn’t said anything. This is HIS friend, being really rude to you. It shouldn’t be you having to worry about this for your wedding. He needs to step up and sort it. Ideally tell her that she’s been off with you at every meeting. If she is not going to be civil and friendly at your WEDDING fgs, perhaps it will be better if she doesn’t come. After all, if she doesn’t like you, why would she want to come?
Push it at him to sort. His rude friend. His problem.

AutumnCrow · 02/12/2019 11:28

I find that level of rudeness bewildering. It's presumably a control thing, enacted by the emotionally stunted. You owe her nothing.

Why has your fiancé waited this long to offer to mention it to her?

Although having said that, my OH tends to tackle things head on but rather late in the day, and that can make the situation even crapper than it was to start with - so my advice is, whatever you're gonna do, do it asap, so there's time for any temporary fall-out to dissipate.

ForalltheSaints · 02/12/2019 11:29

I think her invite should be withdrawn.

girlwithadragontattoo · 02/12/2019 11:30

Sounds like she likes to be the 'alpha female' and doesn't like it when another female joins the group. Put her in a place by not inviting her!

TheHootiestOwl · 02/12/2019 11:39

Why has he not spoken to her?

Original poster

HopeAndDriftWood · 02/12/2019 11:40

Sorry I had a client call, and hadn't expected so many replies!

Fiancé offered to talk to her the first time I met her but she was so cold and odd that I assumed that something had happened to upset her and she just didn't feel up to talking to new people; if I'm honest, so I told him to leave it.

I talked to one of the other partners at the engagement thing, she said her boyfriend had bought it up last time they'd been out but the friend had started crying and it didn't seem to go anywhere. She hasn't been to the last few times they've got together.

I'll let fiancé talk to her and see how it goes; he'd be happy with telling her she can no longer come but like some people said; I don't really want her painting it like I've excluded her. And I tried to be the bigger person by inviting her, although that seems to have been a mistake... I didn't really expect to have much guest list stress!

OP posts:

Lovemenorca · 02/12/2019 11:43

Wait....

She is rude and hostile to you
And you finance is not bothered whether or not she comes

Why on earth was she invited in the first place?!

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