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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To uninvite her? Would you?

165 replies

HopeAndDriftWood · 02/12/2019 10:05

Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We get married in April, and he has a group of friends from school that will be attending. There's 7 men and 1 woman.

We don't live that close to the friends anymore so don't see them often, and I've only met the woman four times as she had a child a few years ago and then split with her partner, so she's been quite busy. From the first time I met her, she blanked me completely. She treats other girlfriends/partners the same, and I tried to rise above it. The group threw us a little engagement meal and she came to that, but didn't talk to me even when her daughter was playing with me.

To be honest, I didn't think she'd come to the wedding if she hated the bride, so I didn't mind her being invited. But we saw them yesterday for the first time since the invites went out, and she went out of her way to be cold and hostile. She does seem to be intending to come to the wedding, she had a bit of a cry over not having a role and wanting to be a groomsman, and she rolled off a list of things she wanted to plan for his stag... I kept my cool and had a good chat with the barman.

If I'm honest, I don't want her to come. It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she makes it very obvious and awkward, and I can see that causing drama. I feel like she had her chance to be civil last night and we should remove her from the guest list... but I don't want to be the reason that he's not included in the group anymore. Fiancé is happy to do whatever makes me happier - either tell her that she can't come, or talk to her/one of the other men and try to find a solution.

Would it be completely unreasonable to just uninvite her? We probably won't see her before the wedding.

OP posts:
YouokHun · 02/12/2019 16:47

She sounds horrible and rude. I wouldn’t get your man to message her. Do it yourself. Tell him you are doing it but be clear in the message. If you can’t be civil to me then I you can’t be part of our day

Not sure I agree @Yesmate. She needs to know he won’t tolerate her behaviour towards the OP and that the OP is his priority. That’s not the message she’s been getting but it’s the one she needs to get. If the OP tackles her it will probably be seen as a triumph by this woman because the person she values isn’t the one telling her to stop and it doesn’t show a united front.

BabySharksMummyShark · 02/12/2019 16:58

Op i had this with my husbands then best friend. He disliked me pretty much from the get go and was a complete dickhead to me.

He was invited to the wedding even though i really didnt want him there but i did it for my husband who for some reason wanted him there (they were not as close at all by this point and hardly seen each other!) and he honestly thought the friend would be on his best behaviour.

Sadly he was a complete arsehole at the wedding, shouting out during the speeches, being loud, leering at my female friends and the bar staff and just being unpleasant. When i found out what he was doing i told my husband you kick him out or i will (dont mess with a pregnant bride on her wedding day!). Funnily enough my husband went and kicked him out 😂 he kicked off even and threw a sign and had to be dragged out!

While im sure your dps friend wont be like this, i really regret having him there and wish i had put my foot down even if it meant i was painted the bad guy because seeing him in my wedding pictures pisses me off and while he didnt ruin the day, it was unpleasantness that was not needed and could have been avoided.

On the plus side my husband wont ever forgive him so there is that 😂

Bahhhhhumbug · 02/12/2019 16:59

Another angle, but could you not just leave her to come along ( unless you fear she would up the ante from blanking you to something more sinister in which case ignore me). Because she would actually stand out like a sore thumb when all attention is on the bride and groom and she's sat there with a face like a slapped arse. So many people will be wishing you all their love and you will be the main focus of their attention that it will be impossible for her to marginalise you iyswim. She will just look ridiculous and it sounds like a couple of the friendship group have got her number so wouldn't entertain any attempts to get them to join in with her and would very likely slap her down if she did start her little antics.
Obviously as l said at beginning if you think she's capable of more serious jeopardising or disruptive behaviour then obviously not a good idea but lm just thinking it would be so very easy to ignore one sulky person in a room full of well wishers and people enjoying themselves.

TheHootiestOwl · 02/12/2019 17:12

Your DP needs to talk to her. She’ll probably turn on the water works again but who cares? He has to be the one to tackle this.

kateandme · 02/12/2019 18:02

because shes the one woman in the group.part of the gang.tomboy but beautiful woman too.they are her protecters,her best friends they also want to be with her and marry her deep down and she is the only gal for them.yada yada.
they love being fawned over forevr more by this girl so why would they ever say anything.

NigellaAwesome · 02/12/2019 19:12

My SIL behaved like this towards me when I met DH. The blanking, dismissive attitude, sitting on his knee with arms draped over him. When DH called her out on it, there were tears too. She had seen off all previous girlfriends with the same behaviour.

I really didn't want her at our wedding, but as she was SIL I didn't think we could not invite her. All of our pictures with her she has a face like she was chewing a wasp, and then she announced her pregnancy to everyone at our wedding. HmmAngry

17 years later I tolerate her, but I never really forgave her, and her & DH's relationship never recovered.

Don't let this woman come to your wedding, but get your fiancé to do it.

msflibble · 02/12/2019 19:14

I'd uninvite her, if your DP has said he's open to it. My wedding was great except for a friend of DH who doesn't like me (I think he is possessive of DH and possibly had feelings for him). He was wasted and when we were alone said some very passive aggressive and weird things to me implying I was a bad person. It wasn't a nice thing to deal with at my wedding and if I'd been able to exclude him in the first place I probably would have.

bpirockin · 03/12/2019 17:40

Uninvite her. Can't stand women like this, but every once in a while one pops up. To my mind if someone can't be arsed to make even the slightest effort to make you feel included then they are doing precisely the opposite and it is downright rude and not to be trusted. Almost certainly either insecure or fancies your partner/herself as Queen Bee, but whichever the case it's just not on - especially at your wedding.

I hope you have a wonderful day, whatever else happens.

LittleMissMe99 · 03/12/2019 17:48

Why haven't you addressed her about it?

Spied · 03/12/2019 17:52

She's definitely going to turn up wearing whiteGrin.
Seriously, I'd invite to the evening. She's not important enough to invite to the day. It also shows you as a better person and shows she doesn't bother you enough to go to the hassle of uninviting her.
Basically u not on her radar

Sb74 · 03/12/2019 17:55

I’m sure this is a repeat post. Sounds very similar to one a few months ago!

TeaForTara · 03/12/2019 18:00

If she was very close family then it might be better to suck it up. However, she isn't. She's had her chance and she's blown it.

Agree with PPs that your DF needs to make clear to her that it's his decision and not put the blame on you for it.

ViserionTheDragon · 03/12/2019 18:08

Has she been uninvited yet?

Bugbabe1970 · 03/12/2019 18:54

She wouldn’t be coming to my wedding
As she’s been invited, it’s a bit awkward but I’d speak to her myself

bluebeck · 03/12/2019 18:56

I agree with PP - get DP to uninvite her.

Teaandcake1000 · 03/12/2019 18:59

Her problem isn’t with you. It’s her status she scared about losing and being friends with you would make her feel somehow weakened.

Tell finance to deal with it , if all the male friends have notice it too the. Can’t they all have a chat and see what she’s worried about and if she responds like a twat, then he has the option of saying to her that the wedding g is for people who want to celebrate your relationship
Not scowl
At it.

namechangeididtoo · 03/12/2019 19:05

Don’t have anybody to you’re wedding that you don’t want,I had somebody come to mine who I’d never even met and it was a small immediate family and two friends wedding so they stood out like a sore thumb and I hate the memory of it now.I could have had my sister there who wasn’t asked as it was such a small thing

GlitterMagicPompom · 03/12/2019 19:09

I wouldn’t bother inviting her OP. She has had plenty opportunities in the last four years to be civil.
I had a similar situation in that one of my work colleagues in a small team just stopped talking to any of us. If we spoke to her, even if regarding a professional matter or asking if she wanted a cup of tea, she would turn her head and email us response! What a nutter Grin Anyway I didn’t bother sending a wedding iinvitation despite previously sending a save the date card. It’s your wedding and you should be surrounded by people you like and love and who value you in return imho!

LellyMcKelly · 03/12/2019 19:18

She likes having a harem around her, and her nose has been put out of joint because she sees you and the other partners ‘taking away’ what she sees as ‘her’ men.

I’d get your fiancé to say, ‘I noticed you were really off with Hope the other evening? Was there a reason for that?’

Cuteypye · 03/12/2019 19:18

@namechangeididtoo Your wedding was immediate family and two friends?? Your sister (isn’t she classed as immediate family?) wasn’t invited, but someone you’d never even met was??Confused

HisBetterHalf · 03/12/2019 19:24

why would you invite such an ignorant fucker. Uninvite her for sure and let her know why

GreyGardens88 · 03/12/2019 19:24

Update?

namechangeididtoo · 03/12/2019 19:25

@Cuteypye the ‘guest’was un-invited but tagged along with her on/off partner

DreamTheMoors · 03/12/2019 19:31

@HopeAndDriftWood

Have you figured out the cost-per-person of your wedding?

Say it’s $50/person. You’re basically paying $50 for an inexcusably rude person to attend YOUR DAY. Why oh why would anyone do that?

Do not send the invite and make sure your DP explains why they’re not invited.

Enjoy the happiest day of your life and congratulations on your betrothal. Much love.

Jack80 · 03/12/2019 19:31

I would speak to your fiance and the other women

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