To uninvite her? Would you?

[HopeAndDriftWood]

Fiancé and I have been together for 4 years. We get married in April, and he has a group of friends from school that will be attending. There's 7 men and 1 woman.

We don't live that close to the friends anymore so don't see them often, and I've only met the woman four times as she had a child a few years ago and then split with her partner, so she's been quite busy. From the first time I met her, she blanked me completely. She treats other girlfriends/partners the same, and I tried to rise above it. The group threw us a little engagement meal and she came to that, but didn't talk to me even when her daughter was playing with me.

To be honest, I didn't think she'd come to the wedding if she hated the bride, so I didn't mind her being invited. But we saw them yesterday for the first time since the invites went out, and she went out of her way to be cold and hostile. She does seem to be intending to come to the wedding, she had a bit of a cry over not having a role and wanting to be a groomsman, and she rolled off a list of things she wanted to plan for his stag... I kept my cool and had a good chat with the barman.

If I'm honest, I don't want her to come. It's not that she doesn't like me, it's that she makes it very obvious and awkward, and I can see that causing drama. I feel like she had her chance to be civil last night and we should remove her from the guest list... but I don't want to be the reason that he's not included in the group anymore. Fiancé is happy to do whatever makes me happier - either tell her that she can't come, or talk to her/one of the other men and try to find a solution.

Would it be completely unreasonable to just uninvite her? We probably won't see her before the wedding.

I invited some friends of DHs who were rude and dismissive of me (from day 1, for unknown reasons, as I am nice), and I regret it. I also regret not inviting nicer people I didn’t know well at the time but are now much better friends. However, on the day I was just polite and had other people to talk to. We moved shortly afterwards and have barely seen this group since as we had kids and made better friends, none of whom were at our wedding. It’s difficult as you have already invited her, but I certainly wouldn’t give her any more of your time otherwise!

Not a fucking chance she'd be at my wedding.

Some people can appear rude and standoffish but just be very shy or even have social anxiety disorder..
Could this be the case?

Hate girls like this. Yep, girls not women.

I think they enjoy having a little harem of men around them and feeling like they're the ring leader. They're the first girls to bitch about you the second you leave, as well. They hate anyone trying to 'take' 'their' men. Weirdly possessive. Obsessive that things have to stay the same as they were x years ago (doesn't matter if its 5 years ago or 20 either!)

I wouldn't have her at the wedding. I've experienced two of these girls in my lifetime. The first one actually admitted to liking my (ex) boyfriend 6 months into our relationship. Then dismissed it as 'just being drunk' so she could continue being friends with him. She meddled in our relationship for nearly 4 years, but did it in such a way she could never be called out for it. Don't get me wrong- he's an ex for a reason, but they genuinely don't have any girl code.

The second made the mistake of bad mouthing me to my boyfriend when I'd literally done nothing wrong and after my experiences with the first girl, I went nuclear. I wasn't having another girl talk about me like I was trash when I'd met her once and was nothing but polite. Similar to yours, she ignored my existence. Difference was, this time my partner cut contact with her. If he'd stayed 'friends' I have no doubt she'd have continually made digs about me, blanked me in person and tried to cause issues in my relationship.

They never change. Your partner needs to call her out on her behaviour then cut her loose.

Your DFiance needs to uninvite her and tell her why. Tears should not be allowed to sway the decision. In fact, it sounds like the friendship has run its course.

Evening invite only. On purpose.

I don't generally think an evening invite is a snub unlike most on here, BUT it really is if you're expecting, and expected to be by others, invited to the full day. Especially if everyone else from that group is there for the full day.

It says 'we thought of inviting you for the full day hence the invite but we decided that you're not important enough to warrant it so here you go!'

I had a woman a bit like this when I got together with DH. He has a group of male friends and she was the 'first' girlfriend as they'd all been single so they'd become 'her guys'. She tagged along to all lads nights out, went to watch the football with them all, cooked them fry ups on a Sunday etc etc. When I came along she was most put out and used to try to exclude me, then when others paired up she tried to get me to join her in her little bitchy brigade and be shitty and rude to the newer girlfriends.

I never wanted to tag along to lads nights (we were in our twenties then and went out a lot) as even then I thought it was healthy to do things separately and anyway I had my own friends. I found her antics cringy and embarrassing.

Twelve years on, I'm still here (married and with children) as are most of the others who I'm friendly with. She's nowhere to be seen.... after a while the men got fed up with her and her boyfriend got tired of never being able to bring her to anything and her not being invited to anything and got rid.

It is your day. You are entitled to choose the guests you want. You should not have to worry about her spoiling anything during your wedding. Your fiance can handle it nicely for you, and this will be the start of you both having each others back for the rest of your lives together.

Absolutely no way. Bin her off, hopefully she’ll get the message and get out of your lives FOREVER.

She sounds like a total drama queen. Of course uninvite her from the wedding, and uninvite her from the rest of your life while you're at it.

I wouldn't uninvite her. I would let her come but take no notice of her attitude. Treat her both outwardly and in your mind like a second cousin's plus one - just part of the scenery. I would not make a stand that affects an old friendship group of my partner's on his wedding day. I'm sure the other men's partners feel the same way about her and you can enjoy a knowing eye roll with them. The 7 men would probably be quite happy to quietly drop her and have nice couples friendships with their partners, which she probably senses and is hurt by. Hence the bitchy attitude. Don't be the one who actively pushes her out. Make your day a day of love and generosity befitting the love between you and your partner, and if she doesn't take the opportunity to enjoy giving some love back then that's her problem.

@Sb74 yes I thought the same

She'll be wailing when you walk down the aisle!

Just send an evening only invite so technically still invited - then she can come on here and moan about it!

I wouldn’t invite her she will probably try and make you feel unsettled and her rudeness will bug you throughout your special day.

OP, lots of good advice.

Getting married is a very special day for most people and having someone so unpleasant to you will be an unnecessary niggle on the day, whether you want to admit it or not.

Do you wish to socialise with her going forward?, this is key.
Do you wish to have her in your life?

I can't imagine why you would.

She sounds like a complete PITA.

How you have put up with it for 4 years, I don't know.

Move on with your life and don't give her a second thought.

Socialise going forward without her, in smaller groups and phase her out.

Oh, just one more thing, OP. Do not feel guilty or bad for any fall out. It's hard when you've tried your best and been the better person, but you have nothing to feel bad about. At all.

She's been a bitch to you. For four years. And all the other women as well. You know the problem is with her, and her alone. Actions have consequences. You (current and ex partners) have all been lovely and forgiving of her behaviour for longer than 4 years I'd imagine, and she's continued to act like a bitch. It isn't going to change.

It's time she realised what goes around, comes around. If she's upset, sad, angry... who really cares? No one. If she loses her friendship group eventually, it will entirely be her own fault.

You might feel bad for your partner, and that's natural, but you need to remind yourself that you are important. Your feelings matter. Hold your head high and stand by your decision. Sometimes in life you need to be "selfish" instead of selfless. Being selfless for 4 years didn't work. Time to cut her out.

Enjoy your day without her there. You'll feel so free.

Evening invite only as you've sent out 'Save the Date' already.

Perhaps she’s got some kind of shit going on and is really struggling? Rather than bitch about her online, why not reach out to get to know her better and see if you can be there to help. Surely better to have an ally than an enemy?

If she’s still difficult after you’ve actually spoken with her that’s a different matter. But in the meantime consider that she may be on Mumsnet and may read this. Imagine how hurt you would be.

Why don’t you just invite her to the evening do? Also kill her with kindness, walk up to her and hug her for coming! Be the bigger person

I have had 17 years of this woman in my life. I even wrote a post on here about her. (Feel free to look it up under my user name...) My DH won’t hear a bad thing about her, however. She is still single, (telling, no?) and is currently spamming FB with pass-ag comments about how she knows who her “True Friends” are know she has bought an apartment at 42 years old and it needed painting. When we were all doing that kind of thing, pretty sure we didn’t see her for dust! Meanwhile, when I met DH, all the female partners of all the guys in the group warned me about this one, and they weren’t wrong! Most of us ignored her, and “handled” her. A few others put their foot down with their partners and insisted that her behaviour was either rude or completely inappropriate. I wish I had realized this sooner, and we had gotten the partners talking. MY DH of course is “Loyal” (code for” completely ducking spineless) and wears rose-tinted glasses that also allow him to continue talking to his mother after she called our 12 year old (nerdy) daughter a slut. Don’t put up with people who attempt to undermine your relationship. Over the years if they are around you, even infrequently, the resentment will erode your self-confidence and sense of value. If you kill that now, you will have a much firmer foundation on which to build your future together.

Well said @justilou1. Bang on.

@sunshine11, with all due respect, she's been a nasty piece of work for 4 years. If she's as good of mates with her "boys" as she lets on, I'm sure they would know if anything was up over the course of 4 years.

Not everyone is "going through" something. Sometimes people are just nasty and vile. If she's on mumsnet and reads it, I hope she feels bloody ashamed. Absolutely pathetic, childish behaviour.

Or instead of being the bigger person like MummyofTw0 suggested, when you hug her, lean in really close and whisper into her ear:

"He's mine now you fucking arsewipe"

No one will believe her when she tells them and you'll feel great for saying it

Is there anything stopping you from speaking to her directly? I'd rather go down that route myself.

She's doing it for attention. Extremely childish. She wants this to be all about her and not about two people in love.

If you don't invite her, she has the perfect excuse for her current behaviour.

If you do invite her, she can sulk, make you feel uncomfortable, (probably make a scene),
and your mind will not be on the day. Plus, when you think back to your wedding day, you will always think back to her (behaviour).

Decide which is worse.

| think you should uninvite her. As after your wedding you will never see her again.

I am not like her at all now, but I could easily have turned out like her, as I used to have a group of male friends and I was the Queen Bee. I loved the attention, and did really care for them, but there was this wierd manipulative part that was just about my ego.

Therefore whilst I didn't want them I would not have been very friendly to girls that came along. She is not interested in your dh - but she does want to be set apart as special in his and the other guys eyes.

This is from 20 years or so ago and I don't see any of them now. I think we have all grown up and moved on!

It's all insecure bullshit and I think you should cut negativity like that out of your life.

Uninvite her. Then grab a coffee and continue on with the rest of your life.

Your fiancé should speak to her and say that HE has noticed her behavior towards you and doesn't appreciate it. That the behavior has been ongoing and not a one time thing. And that HE believes it will make you, the most important woman in his life, uncomfortable at the wedding. So she is no longer invited.

Might this cause the friendship to end? Probably. But what does this woman bring to either of your lives? On the eve of your wedding, you shouldn't both be talking about another woman.

As someone who just had a wedding and nearly killed themselves trying to make other people happy, I now know that to other people, your wedding will always be just another wedding. No matter how many doves fly and how good the cake is and how amazing the band is.

But to you, your wedding is a milestone and a lifelong memory. You do what you need to to enjoy your wedding. This woman's feelings are so much less valuable and important than how you both remember your wedding day.