Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

AIBU?

To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

176 replies

soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:10

I'm reading a self help book at the moment about how to achieve happiness and it's got me thinking.

Society is constantly promoting the idea that 'stuff' makes us happy and I fell into this trap, but now I have bought all the 'stuff' I ever wanted and realised how wrong I was and now I'm a bit stuck.

A bit about me, without trying to sound like I'm boasting I'm really not but I have a good husband, more money than I ever thought I would, am in good health, looking to start a family, have a successful career and still don't feel truly 'fulfilled' and wonder what it will take for me to?

Monday to Friday is a drag, I do hobbies, have friends keep busy etc etc but still I'm struggling to be truly happy and feel bored most of the time.

I travel lots and have pretty much a charmed life so why do I still feel like this?

I look at most people's life and it seems to be much the same.

I'm thinking/hoping having kids might give me this purpose but then so many people say it's the wrong reason to have kids but I feel like that's the reason majority of people have them. If life was so great before kids why would anyone have them if it wasn't to enrich their life?

I'm worried if I have them, what if I feel the same and still don't feel 'fulfilled' what happens then?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Is anyone truly happy and if so, what makes you happy?

OP posts:

Report

Iamthewombat · 01/12/2019 22:29

You need to look inside for true happiness. Nothing from outside can ever make you truly happy

Couldn’t disagree more! Navel gazing won’t make you happy. You have to go outside of yourself to find happiness and contentment. We are a social species; we are designed to interact with other people.

TiceCream · 01/12/2019 22:29

Stuff only seems unimportant when you have enough of it. When you have nothing, then stuff is hugely important. It’s the same as health - it seems unimportant and you don’t think about it, until suddenly you no longer have it and then you realise how important it is.

To answer your question though, I find that children, pets and gardening add a lot to my quality of life. It’s about nurturing things and watching them grow.

madcatladyforever · 01/12/2019 22:40

A simple life for me, my loving son, no more relationships because I am crap at them, no debts, my own home and a cat.
These things have made me very happy indeed and anything else is a bonus.

AlmaWhittaker · 01/12/2019 22:41

The power of now by Eckhart Tolle has been a revelation for me in finding what matters. Hope you find what you're looking for

AutumnRose1 · 02/12/2019 01:44

OP I think it might be easier than you think
You’ve just got so used to consumerism you’re now wondering why it doesn’t seem to add value

Apologies if it seems mad but you could try reading Cave in the Snow by Vickie Mackenzie. I’m not a Buddhist but found the account of the lady living in the cave for years to be...well it had a great effect on my mind and my life.

BodenGate · 02/12/2019 02:22

I listened to Alain de Botton’s interview by Elizabeth Day on her How to Fail podcast which I found helpful with this from memory.

CatShapedCushion · 02/12/2019 03:28

I did the same as @housewife ...wasnt much into material stuff so it was a natural progression of sorts..living as an itinerant farm worker&travelling the world.Have had my entire worldly goods in a storage unit since2014..Have had so many amazing&life changing experiences through people ive worked with/lived with&met along the way.I have no life"plan" or desire to change this tradjectory-it suits me too well.

readingismycardio · 02/12/2019 05:25

I feel the same, OP, I'm afraid. I've obviously fallen into the consumerism trap too, and most of the time I just feel ungrateful.

I have so many things to be grateful for: getting married next year to the most amazing man, we have such a meaningful & supportive relationship, we have our own home (not our forever home but important nevertheless), I have a great family, my grandparents are alive, I'm mostly healthy. We don't have children yet but I do believe children make your happy(ier)

With all that said I still feel unhappy/not enough sometimes and all of this stems for anxiety, from social pressure, etc.

I wish I knew what to reply to this thread but I find it intriguing.

readingismycardio · 02/12/2019 05:26

I read somewhere that "being happy all the time isn't mental health, is crap".

90schic · 02/12/2019 05:35

Yeah I don’t think you can be in a permanent state of happiness OP. Life is peaks and troughs. And for the record after having been awake 80% of the night and then up for the day since 4.30am with a screaming baby I would like to confirm that kids are most definitely not the key to happiness lol

Helloitsmemargaret · 02/12/2019 05:36

It helps if you accept that happiness isn't a static state. You will never be always happy; things will happen to make you angry, sad, frustrated and that's fine. Like all emotions, happiness is a series of small moments and the trick is to see them and recognise them - not be looking for the thing that comes next.

Having kids will give you the ultimate happy moments, but it'll also give you rage and frustration like you wouldn't imagine. But if you're looking for the perfect happy life don't do it.

smemorata · 02/12/2019 06:12

Haven't read all the thread sorry! But it does seem as if you are looking in the wrong direction. All the people I know who are happy have a vocation. This might be volunteering or working towards a goal that is part of the wider community- so not what is better for you but what is better for society as a whole.

smemorata · 02/12/2019 06:16

Also if you are financially secure you are in a really good position to explore this - embrace it! Most people can never get off the treadmill and find out what really inspires them.

JolieOBrien · 02/12/2019 06:19

I have this poem on my wall which helps me

To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

coatlessinspokane · 02/12/2019 06:24

For me what makes me happy is the community I have at work. I have lots of friends and one group in particular that revolves around a hobby which gives me laughter, support and a common interest. I have a good relationship with my parents and a passionate obsession with a certain subject which keeps my mind engaged.

I have no money and a holiday breaks the bank. Financial security is a dream.

So it’s all a balance. I think if you find a group of people based on a common interest that is a good place to start.

yearinyearout · 02/12/2019 06:34

I think the problem here, and with many people, is having the idea that "true happiness" is something that you strive towards and the. achieve! Once I realised that each day is different, and that some moments/days/weeks are shit, some moments/days/weeks are fabulous, and most others fall somewhere in the middle, I was far more content.
Stop thinking about achieving happiness, and just take each day as it comes. Find out what makes you feel good, and what things you enjoy, and do more of it so you have more happy moments than shit ones. Accept that you'll have days you don't enjoy so much, but that doesn't mean you're "unhappy", it just means you've had a bad morning/day or whatever.
If you're doing hobbies you don't enjoy, change them, find ones that you do. If you're spending time with people that annoy you, ditch them and spend time with people who make you laugh. Once you accept that happiness isn't some final destination, and that it's a series of moments interspersed with some sad/stressful/boring ones, the more content you'll be.

daisychain01 · 02/12/2019 06:38

But I'm saying in my early twenties I bought into the notion that soon as you have all the money, cars and clothes and house you want you'll be happy. We are sold this notion every day and so many people are chasing it

It's a shame people are bombarded with messages 24/7/365 that influence them into this 'track', that "stuff" makes you happy. Its good you've recognised that it's a sales pitch by big business.

The simple answer is to change your own mindset towards enjoying the simple things in life. Start with self. We spent this weekend pottering in the garden, doing a bit of Christmas shopping and cooking a nice Sunday roast. Even if I could have spent £10k buying stuff it wouldn't have made me happier.

daisychain01 · 02/12/2019 06:44

It isn't natural to be in a permanent state of happiness anyway. Humans are programmed to experience all emotions for a reason.

Unfortunately big business tries to con us into thinking otherwise. Hopefully X-R is doing good in ways other than just the environment by stopping us hankering after the next new mobile phone, car, etc

mostlydrinkstea · 02/12/2019 06:59

It sounds like you are hitting the midlife question. You spend the first half of life acquiring stuff. That is what society tells us to,do. I buy therefore I am. There comes a point when the realisation comes that this isn't enough and the question of why am I doing this? What is the point of stuff? Who am I without stuff surfaces. It can be ignored by buying more stuff or using the various coping mechanisms of over eating, drinking or getting busy but the big questions are still there.

I'm religious and that helps me get some sense of proportion. It gets me out of my own little selfish world as a key part of my faith is service to others. I don't always enjoy it in the moment if I'm honest but long term I'm much more content now than I was in my atheist days. Another part of my religious life is prayer. It is a complex task but gratitude, being realistic about who I am and my faults and a focus on the other are all part of that task.

To translate it into secular terms I suppose that not looking to myself to find happiness but to turn outwards to others is what is key and plenty of others have said that already. Richard Rohr 'Falling Upwards' is good on the tasks of the second half of life. He is Christian but does have a sound grasp of the psychology of the human heart.

Lana08 · 02/12/2019 07:01

What do you do to give back op?

soph7777 · 02/12/2019 08:25

What do you do to give back op?

Currently nothing but me and the hubby have just downloaded and application form for some voluntary work. Awful as it sounds but I don't really want to do it although DH is forcing me lol for all the reasons a lot of people here have mentioned - it's not about me it's about the people I'm helping. We will see how it goes!

OP posts:

soph7777 · 02/12/2019 08:27

A large part of my problem is that I'm a very selfish person. I Always have been, so encouraging me to 'give back' isn't an easy task. Then when I reluctantly agree to it I feel like because it's not coming 'from the heart' I feel fake.

A vicious cycle.

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ironickname · 02/12/2019 08:28

I read an article about how actually, duty and responsibility can be very rewarding and fulfilling in a way that hobbies and leisure aren't.

Newbie1981 · 02/12/2019 08:30

For me it's doing things for others which is sounds like you just do for yourself right now. How about volunteering?

Verily1 · 02/12/2019 08:35

I found life before dcs pretty vacuous and unfulfilling but it’s taboo to say that!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.