To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

[soph7777]

I'm reading a self help book at the moment about how to achieve happiness and it's got me thinking.

Society is constantly promoting the idea that 'stuff' makes us happy and I fell into this trap, but now I have bought all the 'stuff' I ever wanted and realised how wrong I was and now I'm a bit stuck.

A bit about me, without trying to sound like I'm boasting I'm really not but I have a good husband, more money than I ever thought I would, am in good health, looking to start a family, have a successful career and still don't feel truly 'fulfilled' and wonder what it will take for me to?

Monday to Friday is a drag, I do hobbies, have friends keep busy etc etc but still I'm struggling to be truly happy and feel bored most of the time.

I travel lots and have pretty much a charmed life so why do I still feel like this?

I look at most people's life and it seems to be much the same.

I'm thinking/hoping having kids might give me this purpose but then so many people say it's the wrong reason to have kids but I feel like that's the reason majority of people have them. If life was so great before kids why would anyone have them if it wasn't to enrich their life?

I'm worried if I have them, what if I feel the same and still don't feel 'fulfilled' what happens then?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Is anyone truly happy and if so, what makes you happy?

[Neolara]

I don't think kids will necessarily make you happy (they are hard work) but they give a purpose and a focus to life. And having a sense of purpose contributes to happiness / contentment imo.

[CherryPavlova]

Happiness is an attitude rather than something you can collect. People can live with most difficult challenges and be happy whilst others moan constantly about their lives regardless of their privilege.
Like a poster above, I think navel gazing, introspection, counselling and ego centricity tend to make people more aware of how unfortunate they are or how unfair life is.
I think happiness tends to come from giving rather than receiving. Altruism and looking after others/the world/animals, giving of ourselves tends to bring greater joy.
You can look at your newborn and seeing a miraculous, perfect, entirely dependent bundle of loveliness to hold, to smell, to cherish and to watch change as the days pass. You can take huge pleasure in the dark, quiet hours of feeding continuously as they gaze deeply into your eyes; you can enjoy them grasping your finger in their hand; you can be moved by their first asymmetrical smile.
Or
You can fret they might die (extremely unlikely), that granny kissing them will spread resistant germs, that putting them down will cause lifelong emotional trauma, that your perineum is more sore than anyone else’s and your husband is lazier than everyone else’s and you don’t get sleep or a bath often enough.
It’s a choice the same as most things in life. We consciously choose the path of seeing good in life rather than seeing hate, pain, fear around every corner.

[MarshaBradyo]

You could have a look at the blue dot effect, people tend to not get happier with more. Can’t remember details but it makes sense.

Oth if you have a lot of money and what you can buy brings no more happiness then having dc can change your view on this.

[soph7777]

It’s a choice the same as most things in life. We consciously choose the path of seeing good in life rather than seeing hate, pain, fear around every corner.

But a lot of this is based on your upbringing and conditioning from birth. To convincingly change how your whole brain works sounds near impossible

[bsc]

SquirrelPlay is wise. Happiness is not what you're seeking, fulfilment is.

Volunteer. Perhaps with small children such as rainbows or beavers- they're desperate for leaders at most packs, especially where the leader doesn't have their own child's committments to work around!

Spending time with small children will help you prepare for/decide against parenthood. And small children are brutally honest, and hilarious much of the time, usually unintentionally so

What made you happy as a child? Perhaps try to do some of those things for an initial boost to your mood.

Feeling valued and that we make/made a difference is what brings fulfilment IME. There must be a great many ways you can make a difference, even as a selfish person- I am one myself! Just find a balance between how much you give and how much time you have to yourself.
Perhaps learning a new skill or language would also help because you're "improving" yourself?

[echt]

Try this, OP:

www.theguardian.com/global/2019/nov/21/glass-half-full-how-i-learned-to-be-an-optimist-in-a-week

Happiness is the pursuit of a fool, if you mean goggle-eyed ecstasy.

Blue dot effect:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/jul/20/things-getting-worse-or-feel-that-way

[noego]

But a lot of this is based on your upbringing and conditioning from birth. To convincingly change how your whole brain works sounds near impossible

True. And the journey is to undo that programming and conditioning from family, culture, religion, politics, media etc and return to innocence.

[donttellmetwice]

Giving time. Volunteering, even though I can't do it often, is what gives me that fulfilled feeling.

[jamdhanihash]

It isn't impossible to change how your brain works but it is hard work and you need to be motivated. You sound honest OP, and so much of this requires honesty with yourself and others. Hope the counselling uncovers something you can work with.

[OxfordCat]

I don't think you should just sign up for a random voluntary project if you're feeling that way about it and you're going to resent it. I think there are ways you can properly work a vocation and community spirited endeavour into your life. Small charities and not-for-profits are always crying out for finance people. Could you offer a day or two a month to go in and help a small charity overhaul their finance system? You could even change career and work for a charity- check the Guardian jobs site for charity based finance jobs. Do you have an idea of an area that interests you, eg nature, conservation, children, young people, elders, arts, disability, international work etc?

You could also consider doing a Masters (if you haven't already) in something like charity development, or just for fun something completely different like Creative Writing, History or Literature just to get your teeth into something.

Thirdly, I'd have a look at your very local community to see what's needed / going on. Eg schools are severely lacking funding under this government. Could you offer a couple of hours of your time each week to a local secondary school to help in their Business Studies classes or offer a workshop in financial management to students? Is there a local community group or charity you could get involved in, or even a community event you could help organise?

Find your interests and start from there.

Finally, a word on your comments about mindset. Yes you absolutely CAN change mindset in adulthood. I, and many others have done so. Read up about it. I know ex-offenders who have transformed their lives and become amazing role models to young people. There are countless stories of this. So if they can do it, so can you!

[Lobsterquadrille2]

I have volunteered for years and the most rewarding by far is at a home for the elderly, most with dementia. They have lived generally fulfilling lives and are now sitting in a circle around a blaring television set, and really welcome conversation. I find it especially humbling as my DM at nearly 90 lives alone, independently, with an active life and I realise how lucky I am that she is so unchanged yet older than most of the people I talk to.

I also serve Christmas lunch at Age UK because it gets back to the real spirit of Christmas.

I admit that I get as much out of this as they do.

[ArnoldWhatshisknickers]

You mention hobbies but don't say what they are. Giving back doesn't have to be about volunteering for a charity, it can be related to your hobbies, which I assume are things you personally enjoy. You can be organiser or treasurer if they are club type hobbies. You could find an organisation that introduces others to them if they are craft based. There are lots of ways to give back.

I agree with others that navel gazing is not the route to contentment. I wouldn't use the word happy as happiness is only ever a fleeting emotion so you'll always be disappointed if you expect to go through life being happy. Life is mundane. There will be downs as well as ups. Accepting this reality and finding contentment are not mutually exclusive but constantly looking inward rather outward is unlikely to help in my view.

[Louloulovesyou]

People (brains) really aren't designed to be happy all the time. The happiest people I know are naturally optimistic and are much better at living in the present, not dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future. I kind of think we've made ourselves more miserable with this hunt for perfection!

[dontcallmeduck]

I get fulfillment from my job, sometimes.

I get it from my home when it’s tidy and nights like tonight when the fire is on and it’s all cosy.

I get it mostly from my children, I always think wanted children but never knew what that would mean for me. I often say I never actually knew happiness until I had my first. My most treasured moments are cuddling them at bedtime and tucking them in, the way they WANT to hold my hand whenever we walk anywhere and just seeing who they are.

[YodaEars1]

@SeditionSue thank you so much for calling out the people who ‘take with a pinch of salt’ people without DC who say their lives are fulfilling, or who insinuate that life without DC is vacuous and unfulfilling.

From those of us may desperately have wanted children but weren’t blessed by life to have them - thanks a lot for your crushing and cruel comments. They really do hurt.

Seems your fulfilling and happy lives haven’t blessed you with much empathy.

[vincettenoir]

I don’t think there is some realisation or lifestyle change that leads to a constant state of happiness. I think that life has many ups and downs for most people. Learning to be resilient helps with getting through the rough times. To me resilience means feeling the pain and then moving on.

[Annasgirl]

You will only find contentment and happiness when you spend your day doing something you truly love. For me that is helping other people. For some people it is making music. For others it is art. For others it is working in Nature for others it is working with animals.

It took me until my 40's to figure this out - until then I was truly part of a rat race that I hated, living a life that I should live rather than one I wanted to live.

Now I lead a very simple life, and work in a caring career.

[daisychain01]

I don't think you should just sign up for a random voluntary project if you're feeling that way about it and you're going to resent it

I agree, I have done enough of the annual works "team building" jollies to know it's very unfulfilling and actually not that helpful to don the orange T Shirt and paint a fence, or weed the garden in the local hospice. It felt so shallow getting a day off work but not really doing anything meaningful. I kept thinking " but what about the other 364 days?"

As a Civil Servant we get 6 days a year to volunteer which gave me the incentive to get trained up as a Caseworker for a charity and now I can take half days off to help people get their finances sorted out who are struggling with income and disability/illness. It does something meaningful and it's something I can do for the long term.

I wonder if you need a mentor, @soph7777 you sound quite negative, but it may well be frustration spilling out. I know you haven't started this thread for us to "fix it" for you (I don't think so, anyway) but like PPs have said, I can recommend volunteering to take you out of yourself and see another side to life.

[Lotus90]

@SedationSue if a lottery winner listened to you saying that you felt happy and fulfilled, but replied 'I'm going to take that with a pinch of salt because you don't know what it's like to win the lottery' (implication being that they think you can't possibly fell fulfilled unless you have) - how would you feel?

.. I would feel fine

Keep your offensive and patronising opinions to yourself

Offence is subjective. Just because you've chosen to take offence from my comments, it doesn't make you right and it doesn't invalidate me. I agree with others on this thread who have had children and feel that their thoughts and feelings about this are made taboo by those without children, often aggressively so

[SerenDippitty]

People without DCs will of course tell you they lead a fulfilled life, though I'd take it with a pinch of salt as they've got no point of comparison as to the difference in what life feels like before and then after having a baby.

@Lotus90, you may have felt unfulfilled before having a baby. Saying that is your experience is quite a different thing from suggesting as you did that if people without children feel fulfilled, it’s false fulfilment because you can only be truly fulfilled if you have children. That is an offensive generalisation. Can you not see that?

[Lotus90]

@SerenDippitty you're missing the mark slightly. I'm not making that generalisation based on just my own experience, rather on the experience shared by most (though of course not all) parents

[Milo2]

I believe that I am truly happy.

I wake up every day and thank my lucky stars that my partner and I were blessed with our baby.

It’s exhausting but so rewarding.

I would say that for me having a child has filled a gap in my life I never realised was there. Even though we tried for 6/7 years and suffered many miscarriages, I never realised how much I was going to love being a mum. More than I ever could of imagined.

That said, I’ve always been a glass half full kind of person despite any crazy drama going on in our lives!

I believe that happiness is about perception. It’s about focusing on what you have rather than what you don’t.

It’s about appreciating the good people around you and learning to remove anything or anyone that’s too toxic.

Like you I was kind of bored before I had our child but looking back I think I was just ready to become a mum.

I’m not particularly materialistic anymore and being this way means I live a happy, debt free life. I’m not caught up in the rat race and I don’t have to work (although I do a bit as I like it).

Reading your book sounds like a good start! Is it one you can recommend?