To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

[soph7777]

I'm reading a self help book at the moment about how to achieve happiness and it's got me thinking.

Society is constantly promoting the idea that 'stuff' makes us happy and I fell into this trap, but now I have bought all the 'stuff' I ever wanted and realised how wrong I was and now I'm a bit stuck.

A bit about me, without trying to sound like I'm boasting I'm really not but I have a good husband, more money than I ever thought I would, am in good health, looking to start a family, have a successful career and still don't feel truly 'fulfilled' and wonder what it will take for me to?

Monday to Friday is a drag, I do hobbies, have friends keep busy etc etc but still I'm struggling to be truly happy and feel bored most of the time.

I travel lots and have pretty much a charmed life so why do I still feel like this?

I look at most people's life and it seems to be much the same.

I'm thinking/hoping having kids might give me this purpose but then so many people say it's the wrong reason to have kids but I feel like that's the reason majority of people have them. If life was so great before kids why would anyone have them if it wasn't to enrich their life?

I'm worried if I have them, what if I feel the same and still don't feel 'fulfilled' what happens then?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Is anyone truly happy and if so, what makes you happy?

I felt true sense of emptiness before kids and they completely filled that void when they came.

I miss having a career as I’m on maternity and bored but it’s not the same boredome I had before kids. I found having them in my life really motivating and as I dindt grow in a stable family I felt they gave me an anchor and sense of belonging that I was always looking for.. true love.

Each person and their circumstances and needs are different though. I’ve always been quite maternal. And life before kids was lacking despite me being a high achiever and fulfilled.

Also found voluntary work helps

One of Anita Brookner's characters described happiness as 'a steady satisfaction coupled with an absence of longing'. I find that thinking about that statement helps.

Volunteering, caring about people and causes makes me happy. I think the effect is two fold- it's proven you get a dopamine rush from helping others. And I find that the more I'm giving to my community or those less fortunate in certain areas than me (I.e. mentoring children from deprived backgrounds, foodbank collections, age UK visits to lonely older people in the community), the less I focus on my own needs and wants.

Taking my focus away from myself and my small world problems definitely makes me happier. I think conversely, the times I've been unhappiest were the times I was most selfish and excessively focused on my own personal issues, and comparing myself to my other (outwardly more successful) peers.

I think a big part of happiness is not comparing yourself to other people.

I also agree with some others who've posted that it's about accepting the slog and the ordinariness. I think I realised before I finished my education that honestly, I was not likely to ever achieve anything extraordinary (like most kids I sort of thought on some level I'd do something exceptional) and that that is absolutely fine. I decided that if I could raise a family and for them to be happy and do OK I would be very happy with that and it's basically the case so far.

Kids are not there to make you happy, it's about you making them happy

^ this

Also, to the poster who lost both their parents. I did too and I know what you mean. Everything changed when I lost them. It puts it all into perspective. We can't take any of this 'stuff' with us when we're gone. It's about love and the memories we've made.

@Iamthewombat

Also, I don’t necessarily think that meditation and mindfulness help. They are introspective pursuits, whereas happiness, for me, is all about interactions with other people.

I definitely agree with your steps to hapiness and am on the contracting journey myself. But, I do think mindfulness and meditation help to the extent that you can't run on empty. And you need to know yourself, look after the inner you, to avoid being sucked dry by social interactions and pulled in the wrong directions. It can be very difficult to give when there's not much left inside.

No-one is happy 100% of the time, I'd say I'm generally very happy then last week I had to put a beloved pet down (on the morning of my bday!) and I was miserable for days, still really sad when I think of her.

Had a big health scare and operation few years ago too, think it really put things in perspective as to what was wonderful i.e. being able to walk is a huge gift most take for granted.

I'd say I'm finally 'happy' for the most part because I:

1. have stopped giving a shit about what other people think of me and letting my anxiety win
2. have allowed myself to be an important person in my life and whilst I generally put others first, no longer do I do it to my real detriment or when it affects my mental health
3. I learned to be happy without a partner in my life (then I met DH and chose to be with him because I wanted to)
4. I learned to be happy and grateful with what I already have and anything else is a bonus
5. I remind myself daily to breathe in the tiniest happy moments and how grateful I am to have the basics like food, shelter, heating, my health etc.

Happiness is a fleeting emotion not a permanent state. You have to shift your mindset, you can NOT be happy all the time and you shouldn't aim to be, as it will leave you feeling inevitably disappointed when you don't achieve it.

As for having children to find purpose - don't bet on that either! I thought much like you in my late twenties, led a charmed life but felt unsatisfied etc. etc. having DC was always on my agenda but I definitely had them sooner than I intended as I thought they would fill a void. They didn't. They just added stress and chaos!

I think you need to focus on the bigger picture. What do you want to achieve in your life. Does your career give you satisfaction? Could you shift your focus away from you and achieving personal happiness, to making a difference/helping others/doing something meaningful with your life?

Are you creative? I found going back to childhood interests benefitted me enormously - I adored painting/crafts when I was at school and now I actually teach an art class at a local youth club and I get so much satisfaction from this. Thats just an example but in general I found going back to basics helped enormously. Minimalism, simple pleasures, joy in family and relationships, enjoying nature and generally just turning my back on consumerism.

Joyce Grenfell said, 'I am not interested in the pursuit of happiness, only in the discovery of joy' - and that has always served me well.

I'm fast approcahing 50 and earn less now than I have ever earned in my life. I had a big career and earning potential in my 20s and early 30s and I'm proud of some of my achievements... but I am far more content and discover far more joy in the world now. I work part time in a relatively unskilled job, but I love it and the time it gives me is the most valuable aspect.

I don't have any children, but this has enabled me to be there for others and I completely echo that the giving back is what gives most contentment and satisfation. It doesn't even have to be finding some great cause. It can be much closer to home. I have lost two of my closest friends in awful circumstances this year... but I know I was there for them both in the months before they died and that what I gave them (and received) in terms of time and love was priceless - both for them and what they reciprocated to me. That is perhaps an extreme example - but you get the idea.

And nature - get out on nature... there is nothing more beautiful or life enchancing.

I’ve got more happy as I’ve aged
Giving to others has also helped
I work in the charity sector and volunteer for 2 other charities
I help my family and friends who in turn help me
I feel connected and mostly content

I identify with what you've described, my life was identical 10 years ago, I had everything but didn't feel happy. Then I had a child and no longer dwelled on the feeling of happiness, I'm now 10 years older with 3 kids, and it's the small things that make me feel happy and contented, but not all the time, sometimes I'm pissed off and grumpy and ungrateful, but on the while contented, and it's simple pleasures like sitting with my dog, holding hands with my toddler, reading a book, drinking wine.

I find your view point and questions OP quite surprisingly naïve. As many others have said "true happiness" is a bizarre goal to be chasing and will get you as much purpose and fulfilment as the cash and shoes did. I would get your counseller to help you explore where some of these beliefs come from - both what your goals were before and what your expectations are now. Life is a process - messy, non linear, up and down, boring, thrilling etc. I get my fulfilment from daily practice of being self aware, trying to do no harm, being actively kind or generous (time, experience, money whatever), maintaining deep connections with the people I love.

I’m also 34 and flatlining a bit. I’m in a slump. But I have had snatches of being totally 100% happy. As a pp said, I don’t think it can be a permanent state. But I have had periods of real joy and thinking ‘god I’m happy’. These moments came:

• after coming out of very sad/stressful times. I don’t think we can appreciate how good we have it without first experiencing hardship or sadness.
• When I really liked who I was and felt the people around me liked and cared for me too. Part of that was feeling proud of what I was doing at the time (volunteering abroad as it happens).

I need to get back to that place. I’m a bit down and unmotivated at the moment but I have been happy before so I know it is possible. It is possible for you too OP, but don’t expect it to be a permanent state. In my experience it isn’t.

I'd recommend that you go to church regularly. It's so helpful to take your questions and lack of purpose or contentment to God. To turn your focus outwards to helping others less fortunate than you, to give your life to God and ask Him to use you for His purposes, to share in a community of worship and fellowship.
I think modern secular society tends to isolate people as lonely little consumers, competing with each other to see who has the most expensive possessions, while being spiritually empty.
Sitting counting your money bags can never give you the warm happiness you'd feel from donating to a worthy cause, or giving your time to fundraise. And it can't supply the contentment that comes from knowing that you are loved by God, and that your life matters to Him.

Give yourself. Focus your love into what you do, make or spend time on.
That’s the root of happiness.

Low expectations. If it's not a balls up, it's a win. Since I lowered the bar for everyone around me I've been so much happier. I was permanently disappointed before whereas most of my expectations are exceeded these days instead.

Time to open A Christmas Carol as a seasonal classic, and then as many other great works of Iiterature as you can. Very enriching way to find a new perspective on life and the human condition.

@SeditionSue offensive how? I couldn't, for example say that I'm as fulfilled as someone with a million pounds as I don't know what it would feel like to live that reality. Or more relevantly I suppose, I couldn't say that I'm as fulfilled with one child as I would be with two. I couldn't be offended by someone who says their life is much more fulfilled for having given their child a sibling and that someone with only one child would be naive to that experience - they'd be right

I consider myself pretty happy overall :) I think a lot of it is finding joy in the little things. Cuddling with a cat, playing with my DD, drinking an ice cold Diet Coke, crunching in leaves on the way to the bus stop, sending funny memes to my partner.

I don’t think a lot about the meaning of my life or my purpose in the world. I’m here and I like it.

Sometimes going through a trauma of sometime makes you realise what is truly important in life, you relish the mundane and banal and wish your life was as it used to be. It seems like you have a lot going for you. Life isn't going to be happy all the time. It just isn't for anybody. Life by its very nature is light and shade. The older you get the more you realise that what is important is not stuff, impressing the Jonses, it's peace of mind, having enough for your needs, being open to new experiences and viewpoints. Most people go to work Mon-Fri doing stuff they don't want to, but it is a necessity to live. Finding happiness in the small stuff is key.

The top things that make me happy are work that I enjoy, family, nature a big role even in a city, where I live

I often felt like this before I had children - I would describe my situation as similar to yours in terms of good job, lovely dh etc but I only really feel like I am totally happy now I have my dds... Even though I am exhausted, have no time etc so arguably my life is less good than before but I feel much more fulfilled and also have a better work - life balance as I have prioritised the dc.

Reading A Christmas Carol is a bloody great idea.

OP
Do you like yourself?

You need to look inside for true happiness. Nothing from outside can ever make you truly happy, they are just plasters. Connecting with your true self and living in the moment through mindfulness. It’s a dark world, most people are so disconnected from themselves, look how we treat other people and animals.