To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

[soph7777]

I'm reading a self help book at the moment about how to achieve happiness and it's got me thinking.

Society is constantly promoting the idea that 'stuff' makes us happy and I fell into this trap, but now I have bought all the 'stuff' I ever wanted and realised how wrong I was and now I'm a bit stuck.

A bit about me, without trying to sound like I'm boasting I'm really not but I have a good husband, more money than I ever thought I would, am in good health, looking to start a family, have a successful career and still don't feel truly 'fulfilled' and wonder what it will take for me to?

Monday to Friday is a drag, I do hobbies, have friends keep busy etc etc but still I'm struggling to be truly happy and feel bored most of the time.

I travel lots and have pretty much a charmed life so why do I still feel like this?

I look at most people's life and it seems to be much the same.

I'm thinking/hoping having kids might give me this purpose but then so many people say it's the wrong reason to have kids but I feel like that's the reason majority of people have them. If life was so great before kids why would anyone have them if it wasn't to enrich their life?

I'm worried if I have them, what if I feel the same and still don't feel 'fulfilled' what happens then?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Is anyone truly happy and if so, what makes you happy?

Weekends and holidays make me happy. I hate work but need the money.

I can understand if a job isn’t what you’re really in to but you earn a lot it can make you feel meh with stuff. But driven to get more until you realise it wasn’t that that was the best thing you could have or do.

@MarshaBradyo 13 yr relationship married for three.

If anything, the marriage is one of the few things that makes me happy. Without that I feel like I'd really be screwed so I don't think that's causing the problem.

I work in finance too and at the beginning worked for audit firms and large banks. I realised that the end product didn't interest me so I switched to hospitality and charities. Same job but a feeling of being useful.

Also - maybe not helpful for most but the AA 12 step programme has helped me enormously. A lot of associated aspects have been mentioned already - mindfulness, existence of a higher power, gratitude lists, giving back. And serenity to accept what I cannot change, courage to change what I can and wisdom to know the difference.

*It's a mind set and not your psychological mind set.

It's your psychological mind set that's beating you up and causing the unhappiness.*

I think this is true but is it really possible to change mindset? I think it's something most of us are born with and conditioned from a young age due to our surroundings etc.

Can adults really change their mindset completely?

I’m with @deplorabelle and @MargotMoon.

It’s all about having friends from loads of different backgrounds and contributing to your community.

The first step is doing more things with different people. Volunteer for stuff, join a running club, do an evening class, just do it! I work in finance too, and I’d be significantly less happy if I didn’t have friends from different professions and with different mindsets. Don’t underestimate it.

I find your honesty very likeable, and I am sure that others will find you very likeable too.

(I am in a well paid career, but I have switched out of permanent work into contracting. It means that I don’t get too wrapped up in my career to the exclusion of more important things. It has changed my life. In my last permanent role, work ruled my life and it really affected my happiness. Who needs to spend their free time doing extra work to impress their boss, or worrying that they are falling out of favour, or that somebody else is doing more exciting work and getting noticed more? When I checked out of that bollocks, I became 28.6% happier overnight!)

Also, I don’t necessarily think that meditation and mindfulness help. They are introspective pursuits, whereas happiness, for me, is all about interactions with other people.

There is a lovely book called How to be Happy, it's by Eva Woods. it's NOT a self help book, but a lovely story that gave me some perspective. Made me cry a bit too if I'm honest!

I agree with a lot of the people posting here. It's time to give back. You are incredibly fortunate, maybe it's time to give some time to others? If you work in finance, offer to help with finance or fundraising for a local charity. Doesn't require a huge commitment but having that purpose and knowing you are helping is a huge boost. Would you be able to spend a couple of hours a week walking dogs for one of the rescue charities? Could you do a clothing drive and collect items to give to the homeless this winter? What about buying some gifts for children in hospital with terminal illnesses? Great Ormond Street take toy donations (www.gosh.org/donate/donating-toys-and-games) it might make you happy to buy some toys for kids who are struggling. I think I've worked out that much of life is about finding your purpose.

Maybe make a list. What would you fight for? What cause would get you out of bed on a rainy Saturday morning to make change happen?

"What would you do today if you knew you could not fail?"

Wine & chocolate

True happiness or nirvana is a result of detachment from the material world.

Switch the tv off.

What would you fight for? What cause would get you out of bed on a rainy Saturday morning to make change happen?

This is such a good question and I know I'm going to sound like a total areshole by saying this but I don't feel like I care enough about anything. Which is what makes me feel like a truly horrible person.

There's nothing I've found yet that motivates me enough to care about pursuing it and want to make a massive change. I get so envious when I see people campaigning for things/activists etc. I just don't really care about a lot.

I feel like my whole life I've focused on the wrong things and now it's karma for me being such a shallow person. Some karma this is.

No idea.
I am utterly miserable myself.
I don't think I've ever been 'truly' happy.
And re children, the stress is immense
i had no idea that parenthood would be so stressful

Have a look at the five pillars of wellbeing and reflect on how you feel against each.
www.mind.org.uk/workplace/mental-health-at-work/taking-care-of-yourself/five-ways-to-wellbeing/

Personally I have a career I love that is creative and challenging but also has positive impact on society. I love my dh but don’t get nearly enough time with him (our 2020 resolution). I find small moments of joy every week running in the hills and woods.

I read some research once that showed that no matter how much money someone had or what their status was, the one thing that made people happy was the relationship they had with family and friends.
What are your relationships like?

I think it’s also a state of mind. I find happiness in lots of little things plus the big things but I also have a background of a happy childhood, fab parents and get on with my siblings.
That accounts for a lot.

I think this is true but is it really possible to change mindset? I think it's something most of us are born with and conditioned from a young age due to our surroundings etc.

Can adults really change their mindset completely?

The answer to your questions is yes and yes. The operative words you used was conditioned from an early age

The fact that you have started mindful meditation is a step in the right direction. I.e. inwards,

True mindful meditation is to be mindful of the (psychological) mind so you become (psychologically) mindless.

So it comes down to thought. Psychological thoughts will hurt you (which is what is happening now) But practical thoughts won't.

When you can see the difference, you will really be on the path to happiness. But this is not outside of you, it can only be found within.

You don't have to go far to discover it, it is there right now.

I think I'm a very ungrateful person. I think a lot of people particularly in western society are tbh.

I feel like this is a huge part of my problem. When I think about it, I know I'm extremely fortunate but day to day this doesn't stop me thinking I'm not as happy as I could be.

It's a sense of entitlement I think a lot of people myself included feel entitled to happiness ratios that are unrealistic.

In my head I think life should be 80 percent happy even though I know this is unrealistic and I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

It's a dangerous mindset and I know it's wrong, but I'm struggling on changing my mindset.

I've started seeing a counsellor to help me work things out.

So now I'm searching again to find what does.

This is your problem. There is nothing in life that will bring you sustained "true happiness". It isn't physically possible to maintain that state forever. It would be like taking drugs and expecting to be high forever, or expecting to feel the butterflies that you felt on your first date every day in a 50 year relationship.

Maybe you could take the focus of "becoming happy" for a while, and just live life. Right now you want something that isn't possible so it's no wonder you aren't satisfied.

You've already made a great start by realising that buying stuff isn't all that.

Well, maybe if you make some different friends you will discover a cause that you care about?

Have a look at the five pillars of wellbeing and reflect on how you feel against each.

I just had a read and I'm missing the learn and giving for sure.

Just for context, op, my life is very very different to yours. I'm a single mum with a disability, which means I can't work more than 20 hours a week or I'll burn out. I rely on benefits to top up my income. No foreign holidays, expensive clothes, city breaks, nights out etc. It was very difficult for me to see the positives in my daily life up until a few years ago, but now I love my life. It's hard and exhausting but I'm very content. I don't begrudge anyone their fortune and opportunity and I don't feel sorry for myself that I don't have the same. It would be great to suddenly not have to constantly watch the pennies, but I do and that's just the way it is. It would be great to be able to work full time, but I can't and that's just the way it is. I have healthy relationships and the work I manage to do is very fulfilling (I'm a gardener). I'm not sure a sense of purpose is necessary to be happy. Just 'being' is enough. I felt like I was a failure for not being able to contribute to society the way others can for years, but I've since realised that since my situation is never going to change I may as well make the best of it and let go of the guilt. It is what it is.

I think I felt like you, then I had a baby and everything changed. I'm now much more fulfilled and contended. Though that's not the same as always feeling happy! I still get tired and anxious at times. It's hard work and tiring but for me I feel as though I'm now living a life with meaning. I wouldn't recommend having a baby if you don't feel ready for one though! People without DCs will of course tell you they lead a fulfilled life, though I'd take it with a pinch of salt as they've got no point of comparison as to the difference in what life feels like before and then after having a baby. Another great tool is practising appreciation for what you have in your life. I do this daily and actually make note of it

Oh and by the way, I don't actually believe that we're hard wired to feel 'happy' all of the time. That's a bit life chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Like most other things in life, feelings ebb and flow

@1300cakes

Has given you good advice.

Stop looking for it, overthinking it and just be still for a while.