Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

176 replies

soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:10

I'm reading a self help book at the moment about how to achieve happiness and it's got me thinking.

Society is constantly promoting the idea that 'stuff' makes us happy and I fell into this trap, but now I have bought all the 'stuff' I ever wanted and realised how wrong I was and now I'm a bit stuck.

A bit about me, without trying to sound like I'm boasting I'm really not but I have a good husband, more money than I ever thought I would, am in good health, looking to start a family, have a successful career and still don't feel truly 'fulfilled' and wonder what it will take for me to?

Monday to Friday is a drag, I do hobbies, have friends keep busy etc etc but still I'm struggling to be truly happy and feel bored most of the time.

I travel lots and have pretty much a charmed life so why do I still feel like this?

I look at most people's life and it seems to be much the same.

I'm thinking/hoping having kids might give me this purpose but then so many people say it's the wrong reason to have kids but I feel like that's the reason majority of people have them. If life was so great before kids why would anyone have them if it wasn't to enrich their life?

I'm worried if I have them, what if I feel the same and still don't feel 'fulfilled' what happens then?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Is anyone truly happy and if so, what makes you happy?

OP posts:
OxfordCat · 01/12/2019 20:30

You need to get into spirituality OP- and I don't mean religion. (Unless of course you are religious in which case I don't know)! I mean a short daily dose of gratitude practice, breathing, meditation or mindfulness practice designed to train yourself to live truly in the now. You sound absolutely blessed from what you've said. How wonderful for you Smile This sort of practice would possibly help you to really "feel" how blessed you are each morning, rather than looking ahead or to what's "missing" (a lack mentality).

Secondly, a purposeful venture that helps other people could also give you further zest for life. Eg working with young people, volunteer gardening, elderly people, good gym, etc

That said, happiness consists of moments rather than a continual state, and even a very practised person in meditation will still have bad days - it's human. The trick is to be in the present with those feelings too and process them through naturally rather than berating yourself for not feeling happy.

Good luck on your journey Thanks

Zeb81 · 01/12/2019 20:30

Happiness is a feeling and you make it, starting with gratitude. It doesn't matter what you have or what you do, if you are always looking at other people, the next thing to do on your weekly chores/job/hobby and not enjoying and being present for each one then of course you won't feel happy.
When you have something to work towards the challenge can be rewarding but when you get it do you take the time to enjoy it? When you appreciate all you have you will feel it.

Also one of the best way to feel gratitude is to see gratitude. Help someone who needs it.

Imonlymoominafterall · 01/12/2019 20:30

Start giving back - not meant nastily but for me, doing something that was altruistic rather than about me gave me a greater sense of achievement than any job, house etc. What do you care most about? Find a way to get involved in something that's for others benefit as well as yours.

noego · 01/12/2019 20:32

You've been following a path that you thought would bring you happiness.
Has it worked for you? The answer seems to be no, so change direction. You believe that happiness comes from "things" outside of you. It doesn't, the right direction is to go inside.

MadameF · 01/12/2019 20:33

Set yourself challenges, whether professional, hobbies, sports....and achieve them. When life is too easy you take things for granted. You need projects.
And permanent happiness isn't possible, you can't be happy until you know what unhappiness is too.

Original poster
soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:34

Thanks there have been some really useful suggestions. I've started doing mindfulness and mediation and it does help.

Happiness is accepting that life is about 70%-80% mundane, boring, plodding along or stress and struggle*

I agree with this but I think what's the point if the majority of life is going to be mundane? That ratio is too high IMO and is how I feel.

I have tried changing so many things in my life and keep so busy that I don't think I could try anything else. I've done hobbies and have good social circles.

one thing I haven't tried is giving back like some have suggested. Maybe that's the answer

OP posts:
deplorabelle · 01/12/2019 20:34

I think I saw some research that suggests having a good cause or purpose outside your own life is the main factor in happiness. (Sorry I don't know how where I read it). Another factor is having friends from a variety of ages and backgrounds.

Having children may be your purpose/role/vocation/cause. But equally children alone might not do it.

I feel like I was happiest myself doing a lot of voluntary work and devoting myself to my small children. But equally I'm loving having teenagers. I have volunteered in some form or other the whole of my adult life. I think it probably helps me feel fulfilled.

SaveTheTreesPlease · 01/12/2019 20:35

Agree with a PP that having kids won’t magically give you fulfillment - I’m grateful for mine every day but they test me to my absolute limit and it’s by no means a joyous experience some days. I don’t know anyone who genuinely seems blissfully happy most of the time, but I’d say the happiest folk I know are the ones who are able to live mindfully/in the moment. I feel pretty unfulfilled a lot of the time (and always have - I’m naturally depressive) but I find volunteering helps balance out the inadequacy I feel due to the utter pointlessness of my job. I also try and take enjoyment from little things like a nice walk, meal, etc as much as I can, and - crucially - I try not to compare myself with others too much (one of the reasons I left social media!) As I’ve got older and lost my looks I also worry less about being judged for my appearance (ironically!) so I’m definitely less insecure than I was in my 20s, which has improved my overall happiness.

roisinagusniamh · 01/12/2019 20:36

I echo what others have said about appreciating the simple, everyday times...a coffee, starting a new book/Netflix series.
The saying we never truly appreciate what we have until we lose it is true.

Original poster
soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:38

I think you've fallen into a consumerism trap.

I have big time and I'm ashamed to say it. Years ago I set myself a goal and it was to become successful and have lots of money to be able to buy clothes, shoes car house etc and this was literally the only goal I had in life.

I sound like an awful shallow person, please don't judge. I'm just being honest and came on here looking for help. I know some of what I'm saying might sound distasteful for someone who doesn't know me personally but I can only explain my situation fully but giving you an idea and being honest. Even if reading it back I realise what a dick I must sound lol.

I only realised what a mistake the trap was since achieving these things. People think money makes you happy and it absolutely does not.

My life is easier but I'm an example that its total BS.

OP posts:
jamdhanihash · 01/12/2019 20:41

If you can face it, look inward, in case there's a reason you feel like this that you can't deal with on your own.

I had lots of money, professional, career on the sharp rise, married, lovely baby. Then my childhood neglect at the hands of emotionally abusive parents started to bite. I was not happy in spite of all the friends, the material possessions, the holidays... I should say I adored my folks then and was in denial about the abuse for years, even when I began therapy (EMDR).

It's been hell, my life is unrecognisable from then but I'm truly happy now.

MajesticWhine · 01/12/2019 20:44

What do you do for a job OP? Do you feel passionate about it?

Sparklesocks · 01/12/2019 20:44

On a very simple level OP, what makes you happy? What brings you joy? Do you have any passions?
Could exploring those further help you in your quest?

I have a friend who went through a bit of an unfulfilled stage in her life. She always liked painting at school as a teen, so she started painting again. And she realised she loved it, and now she paints at least once a week and says it’s a great outlet for her. Maybe there could be something similar for you?

fromthefloorboardsup · 01/12/2019 20:46

Love is what makes me happy. I'm going through a shit time financially etc right now so I'm not happy but knowing I have people to love and support me makes the world of difference to me and when I'm with them I am happy.

Original poster
soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:46

I work in finance. I don't feel passionate about it at all but I'm not in a position to walk away for various reasons.

I also have no idea what the hell I could/would do as it's all I've ever known.

OP posts:
MargotMoon · 01/12/2019 20:46

Do you feel like you are contributing something useful to society? Or that you will be fondly remembered or appreciated by people who aren't friends/family when you are gone? If not, do something positive to change that.

fromthefloorboardsup · 01/12/2019 20:48

Sounds like it is that your job is what's getting you down which makes sense as it's where we spend most of our time. I agree with MargotMoon about doing something to give back really helping

Rayn · 01/12/2019 20:48

Google the minimalists. Two guys who had everything they wanted and we're still not happy. They did a documentary on Netflix. Minimalism. It's all about changing your life and mindset!?

Original poster
soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:49

On a very simple level OP, what makes you happy? What brings you joy? Do you have any passions?
Could exploring those further help you in your quest?

I'm struggling. I've done so much exploring and can't seem to find anything that gives me true joy to the point where I care enough about it and am motivated enough to carry on doing it.

OP posts:
Original poster
soph7777 · 01/12/2019 20:50

At the moment I don't feel like I'm making a difference to society at all. Maybe I need to find ways to do that.

OP posts:
blueshoes · 01/12/2019 20:53

True happiness comes from forgetting yourself through service to others (i.e. making others happy) than from trying to find what makes yourself happy.

So much navel gazing goes nowhere.

That is why the more free time and money and possessions we have, the less we appreciate them and still have that empty hole in ourselves.

MarshaBradyo · 01/12/2019 20:53

Are you in a relationship atm? Just wondering if you are, what stage you’re at with it

Insideimsprinting · 01/12/2019 20:54

I think you need to appreciate and be grateful for what you have.

Whilst I think it is important to seize new opportunities etc. I know many people who always seem to be aspiring for more, bigger and better things when they get them they want more etc. This will never make you happy.

waveajay · 01/12/2019 20:54

Follow your joy.
I'm happy. I got pregnant because I wanted kids. I didn't want to not experience having kids. I ended up with twins. I thought my life was over but it's been the most amazing thing.
Always trust that the universe is always working in your favour. It is. Even though sometimes it will sometimes seem like it doesn't.
You sound bored - try something new in your circumstance. Travel or get another job/study.
If you want stuff, that's fine. I love stuff! But there's more to life imo. I love helping people and having a connection to someone. Feeling like I am making a difference to someone's life. Are you passionate about a cause?

noego · 01/12/2019 20:56

It actually doesn't matter what job you have, or what you own, or how big your social circle is or how many hobbies you pursue.

It's a mind set and not your psychological mind set.

It's your psychological mind set that's beating you up and causing the unhappiness.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.