To ask how to achieve true 'happiness'

[soph7777]

I'm reading a self help book at the moment about how to achieve happiness and it's got me thinking.

Society is constantly promoting the idea that 'stuff' makes us happy and I fell into this trap, but now I have bought all the 'stuff' I ever wanted and realised how wrong I was and now I'm a bit stuck.

A bit about me, without trying to sound like I'm boasting I'm really not but I have a good husband, more money than I ever thought I would, am in good health, looking to start a family, have a successful career and still don't feel truly 'fulfilled' and wonder what it will take for me to?

Monday to Friday is a drag, I do hobbies, have friends keep busy etc etc but still I'm struggling to be truly happy and feel bored most of the time.

I travel lots and have pretty much a charmed life so why do I still feel like this?

I look at most people's life and it seems to be much the same.

I'm thinking/hoping having kids might give me this purpose but then so many people say it's the wrong reason to have kids but I feel like that's the reason majority of people have them. If life was so great before kids why would anyone have them if it wasn't to enrich their life?

I'm worried if I have them, what if I feel the same and still don't feel 'fulfilled' what happens then?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Is anyone truly happy and if so, what makes you happy?

[Tumbleweed101]

Writing fiction makes me happy; learning new things makes me happy; having new (positive) experiences makes me happy and so does travelling.

I'm not happy because other commitments - such as needing to work to survive! - take me away from the things that make me happy...

I would be happy with enough money not to have to think about money but I'm not after 'stuff' to buy with it, just to get by in life without having to worry or think about it or to have to work just for surviving. Working to learn something, for example, would be fine.

[Pugwash1]

We retired early, rented the house out and now live on our boat and are sailing around the world with our rotten little dog. I'm pretty happy! That aside our life beforehand involved seeing some truly horrific things we would both love to forget, and I have also done lots of volunteering which I can thoroughly recommend. We are minimalists which for us is a lovely way to live our lives. Like you we had everything and still weren't happy. After donating almost everything and now living in something the size of our house lounge we are genuinely happy. We might argue now and again but it's very rare and quickly resolved like adults. We laugh about it after so even that doesn't make us unhappy. I am not in the best of health and am on more drugs than I know how to count, have had multiple operations and am due more but we even laugh about this together. I think travel, new experiences, family and friends and kindness is a good recipe for happiness.

[LemonsLemonsLemonsLemons]

Volunteering, growing things, singing and running - there was a big study on happiness done and these were some of the key things that brought people contentment.

[ploughingthrough]

Well everyone's different and I'm not sure true happiness is a reachable target. Your life can't be perfect all the time. Things that have made me happier over the last few years:
Having a well paid job so that I don't have to worry about getting to the end of the month anymore. It's been transformative for my mental health.
Having children. The baby years were relentless but I adore having children and being part of their lives growing up. I think it s a privilege and I feel lucky to be a mum.
Valuing my friendships. Keeping in touch with important friends and making time for people who need a chat or a glass of wine. Being a friend and having friends makes me happy.

[AquarianSquirrel]

So pleased to hear that. The counselling is great because sometimes there are things you only want to discuss with a stranger! Plus one who's paid to listen because it seems like any discussion of feelings etc is viewed as moaning. When sometimes you just need to get something off your chest.

Weird because on the one hand people say a problem shared is a problem halved and we need to talk to someone, but then if we do it's not being resilient enough. There's a fine line between sharing problems with friends and family and self pity though I suppose.

Excuse that downer! But like pp's have said. Life is a mixture of ups, downs and everything inbetween.

What kind of things are you reading? Is it cbt or more of a talking therapy? (Though I suppose most therapies are talking therapies haha

[soph7777]

@AquarianSquirrel thank you so much for asking,

Things are going much much better thank you. I've been going to therapy and doing lots of reading.

Also set myself some new goals and come To a lot of realisation about life, expectations and have been working a lot on self esteem and being kinder to myself.

I am so much happier. I'm most definitely back on the right tracks now, it's an ongoing journey 😊

[AquarianSquirrel]

How are things going op? X

[soph7777]

The happiest moments are unexpected, like when I drove alone to my parents for the first time listening to Danny Howard on Friday night on full volume. I was stuck on the M25 but felt so happy in those 3 hours.

This is so true. One of the happiest days of my life was when I met DH at work and whilst he was with a client I went for a walk. It was 30 degrees (I love sunshine) and honestly those two hours (which were about three years ago now but I still remember until this day) were the happiest I've felt for a long time.

Problem is the sun isn't shining very much here lol and I don't like walking in the cold. At all!

[ItIsWhatItIsInnit]

Oh and I do hobby classes and have no Facebook, but still feel shit when I hear about my friends' 6 figure salaries. I know I would hate their finance/banking jobs and quit after 3 months, but sometimes think it would be worth it for 5 years to then buy a house outright and have money to retrain!

[HopeIsNotAStrategy]

OP, you say you work in finance and you don’t know anything else.

As an older person who used to work in finance I can tell you this. It is one of the great myths of life that finance and accountancy are boring. I found it fascinating, because it doesn’t matter where you go or what your organisation does, money is always involved and has to be managed. You could work for a charity for example, a private company in whatever field, or the public sector. If you worked for a decent sized local council you could find yourself dealing with anything from the local theatre to the crematorium to schools to roads to a multi million frozen chip contract. If you worked in manufacturing you’d learn about the business field of your company. A ballet or a film or television company perhaps? There’s so much out there and every day is a school day.

Maybe start thinking about your transferable skills? Good luck.

[ItIsWhatItIsInnit]

I feel exactly like you. I have a "good" job, lovely husband and enough money to be comfortable. But every day I feel it's all a bit pointless, life is a slog and I'm unfulfilled.

Apparently helping others is the main way to happiness, so I've signed up for volunteering. I know that's a selfish reason, but better than not doing it.

I don't buy "stuff" but I think I'm yearning for a different career - which I can't switch to RIGHT NOW, it will take time to train on the side.

Also, we are told the happiest days of your life will be your wedding day, holidays, etc. Bollocks. Wedding was stressful and honeymoon was shit. The happiest moments are unexpected, like when I drove alone to my parents for the first time listening to Danny Howard on Friday night on full volume. I was stuck on the M25 but felt so happy in those 3 hours.

[soph7777]

The advice on this thread has been amazing thank you all so much.

The book I'm reading is Derren Brown Happy someone asked for the recommendation.

I also watched a programme recommended by someone earlier in the thread on Netflix called the minimalist which was fantastic.

I have applied for volunteering. It's a cause I'm not too sure about but I'm doing it anyway, it's a start.

I'm also enrolling on an adult course in January at my local college.

My next step is to work with my counsellor to find ways to stay motivated to do these things on days where I'm feeling down, sad or whatever. I'm sure there are mechanisms to do this with the mind.

I'm Also just a bit conscious I don't want to start all these new programmes and bite off more than I can chew and end up not seeing them through, we will see what happens.

[justmyview]

Another vote for voluntary work, but look for something that you think you will enjoy / may benefit your career

[soph7777]

I do think our contemporary society has been fed something of a lie about happiness

This is so true I said exactly this to my DH yesterday. I feel tricked, how can it have taken me all these years to realise it too?

[Madhairday]

Some great advice on this thread.

I do think our contemporary society has been fed something of a lie about happiness. We are continually told we'll find happiness when we get that next thing, next experience, next relationship even - that we must be continually striving for more. The more we strive, though, the more that nagging discontent takes hold and we find ourselves left wanting more to fill the gap created by the lack we are feeling. Ads on TV and social media really do perpetuate this, and make us feel like we are not enough, that our lives are not enough, that we should be getting more and doing more and being more.

Social media also brings the burden of comparison which can lead to discontent because we look at other lives, that often look so perfect on their Insta feeds and FB stories, and we find ourselves wanting. Yet the reality is that those snapshots in all likelihood do not give a wider picture of that person's life, and they are probably experiencing all the normal ups and downs as much as anyone else.

I think that this last couple of generations has definitely taken hold of a sense of entitlement about happiness - that somehow we deserve it, can earn it, can get it and if we don't then something's wrong. But like pp have said, I'm not sure we're built for 24/7 'happiness' - if we lived in that level of perfection, we'd probably get very bored because the human psyche knows that the highs come because of the lows.

I think contentment and happiness are different. Happiness comes in snatches and we should grab hold; the practice of mindfulness is good for this, and gratitude. But contentment is more of a steady, underlying mindset and I'm not sure can be achieved by things, or even relationships, because there are always imperfections and issues. Having children has brought me a lot of happiness but I wouldn't say that they have fulfilled me in the sense that I couldn't possibly know fulfillment without them - that would be putting an impossible burden on them to be the things that were there for my happiness, rather than being people in their own right with their own paths to find.

I live with long term ill health and am often sick and housebound, so many of the the answers mentioned above are not available to me (volunteering, classes etc) - but it's very much in a mindset of gratitude for what I do have that I find contentment. Like a few others here for me my Christian faith is what brings me the most contentment in my life, filling a void nothing else can and releasing so much joy in me as well. And for me it's finding my passion in life, which is writing books and articles, that has led me deeper into contentment as well.

I think you need to locate where your passions might like. You say you don't care much about any causes - maybe you haven't yet found the one you might be able to invest in. Is there anything you feel more affinity with in the charity sector? Animals, children, elderly, disabled, homeless? Even a small spark of interest could grow into something huge if you allow it to by investing in with your time and energy. Sometimes it's a case of making a gritty decision; however you feel, you are going to do this because you know it will do someone else good, even if it won't help you. And, in the end, you will find it does help you - perhaps nothing like you expect it might.

All the best, OP. My best advice is to look to the good of others, and look into matters of faith.

[LellyMcKelly]

You say you have a good husband - do you love him? Are you looking forward to spending your life with him? If your job is tedious can you look for promotion or a sideways step? Can you do something extra relating to your job outside it? Join or stand for election in a professional body or membership organisation, give talks or training sessions, and make your work more interesting.

I have a partner I adore, and who loves me in return. I have a job I am very happy in, and that I am very good at and have received recognition for, and I have two children who are very good at a sport so I’m running around the country to competitions, etc. I don’t have time to think about whether I’m happy, so I guess that means I am!

[Zippetydoodahzippetyay]

Happiness is an emotion and therefore by its definition is fleeting. Nothing will create lasting happiness. I think what a lot of people mistake for happiness when they look at others around them is a combination of passion, enthusiasm, purpose and meaning.

Most of these things come from connection - with friends and family, with community and with your values and morals. So keeping social, doing things that make you excited to get out of bed, finding a problem you feel driven to help fix and volunteering in that area, studying an area of interest just because.... also set yourself realistic but challenging goals to give yourself a sense of direction and feeling of accomplishment.

[Ibizafun]

I don’t think many people wake up deliriously happy- I think to wake up content is enough. To appreciate the good times when the people you love are healthy and happy. Apart from that, different things make different people happy- we are skiing soon which makes me feel alive and yes.. happy!

[IdblowJonSnow]

Drugs?
I dont think I believe in happiness other than a few fleeting moments.
I felt truly happy sometimes when I was travelling, felt light, free with no commitments. But not realistic to spend a whole life that way.
Are you just a bit bored maybe?

[Hottap]

I don't think we are designed to be happy. We are designed to be dissatisfied so we strive and make plans and have struggles and adventures. Children don't make you happy. But seeing your children well fed and thriving gives you the same animal satisfaction that you see in the mother bears on David Attenborough. On the other hand, seeing their suffering is almost unbearable.

[Betterversionofme]

I love my kids. They, as my children, don't fullfil me. I think it would be too much of a burden to expect it from them. As human beings with whom I interact, they contribute towards my fullfilment, as would any other people.
People have a child because their hormones trick them. Very much in love with the most amazing man/women in the world they yearn to have a super baby with that amazing person. Baby will be the most amazing human ever.
It won't even pee in your mouth while you are changing a nappy. It won't be disabled. You won't have postnatal depression.
Nights/evening/weekends/days (basically 24/7) with a child will quickly teach you not to look for fullfilment there. And re-examine amazingness of other parent.

[Lotus90]

@SedationSue *really fucking entitled, patronising and offensive'

I think when one person descends into communicating in this way to try to make their point during a disagreement it's probably time to call it a night

[EgremontRusset]

Hi OP. Good idea to look into volunteering. If the thing you’ve reluctantly signed up for doesn’t work out though, don’t write volunteering off. I’ve done it most of my adult life and find I enjoy two things:

• skilled trustee type work with organisations in difficulty, where I am using my professional and interpersonal skills (as you work in finance there are lots of charities, school boards etc that will want this)
  
• face to face and peer to peer time with others, doing straightforward tasks (cooking and washing up alongside service users at a homeless cafe etc).
  

OTOH I’m turned off by setups where I feel there’s an us/them divide, by low level uses of my professional skills, anything with children (I have one of those at home thanks) and anything outdoorsy or in shops. Ugh.

You could browse the excellent website called Do It, and see what might float your boat.

[Lotus90]

@Squirrelplay I have two children and while I love them dearly, they haven't brought me "fulfillment" in the way other pursuits do.

Gosh, how odd