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Original poster

Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

825 replies

Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:14

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

OP posts:
sunmoon21 · 01/12/2019 19:16

He is goin back to education to better himself to give his kids more money in the future and give his kids a father that doesn't have mh issues
Plus U are not responsible for his kids. He is and she is.
Does he help with uniform trips etc

messolini9 · 01/12/2019 19:18

“I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

"Dear 'friend', I can't believe you are willing to pontificate about the decisions & am making for my wedding & conflate them with my fiance's career change. His finances as far as his children are concerned are a private matter between him & his ex. I don't interfere. I wonder why you feel qualified to?"

Ponoka7 · 01/12/2019 19:21

What is the effect on the child of his drop in income?

Does he co-parent?

Personally, if I had it spare, I would give the extra. On your marriage she will be your stepdaughter. Do you feel anything for her?

worriedmama1980 · 01/12/2019 19:23

The problem is, when your fiancée was with his ex, their child had a high six figures lifestyle. Presumably with maintenance this was maintained to an extent after the split.

Now he has met you, he's able to retrain and qualify in a job he loves but maintain that same lifestyle because of you supporting him. The only person suffering for that choice is his daughter. If he made that choice while still with her mother, the whole family would have a change in lifestyle and it would be a joint decision. However, he's taken the decision for his daughter.

I think if you're willing to supplement his lifestyle so he isn't affected, part of that should go towards ensuring his daughter isn't. I don't think it has anything to do with the wedding though, and I think the responsibility is more on him than you.

Frenchw1fe · 01/12/2019 19:23

Bf’s wife needs to mind her own business. Tell her if it makes her feel better you’ll withdraw her wedding invite and donate the meal cost to dp’s ex.

Original poster
Jpw74 · 01/12/2019 19:23

Sorry just downloaded the app and not sure how to reply directly yet.

Yes, he helps as best as he can but whereas before it wouldn't even be a question of any trips, activities or their costs, now he is having to have the conversation of, I no longer earn as much as I did so I can't give or pay for everything and anything school related. Let's create a budget, figure out the essentials needed for school, sports and I can give you a realistic number of how much I can afford to give or what things may need to be cut.

OP posts:
Wauden · 01/12/2019 19:23

It's your money, ffs.

BlackSwanGreen · 01/12/2019 19:25

I can sort of see his ex's point of view. Am I right in thinking that if he hadn't met you he would have continued in his previous well paid career? If so, it's true that his ex and their DC are suffering financially as a result of his choice, while he isn't (because you are able to subsidise him).

Of course legally you are not obliged to pay towards his DC and you can spend your money on a wedding if you wish. However I can see that his ex feels hard done by.

Maybe your partner could consider voluntarily raising his payment towards his DC above the CMS minimum. After all, presumably he doesn't want his ex to be struggling, because this affects his DC too?

Bartlet · 01/12/2019 19:26

High six figures? Both of you and then he chucks in his job to retrain as a teacher earning circa £30k. Not surprised that his ex is fuming and his child’s quality of life is massively affected.

I’m normally very much of the view that the ex wife can’t get blood from a stone etc and it’s only the parents responsibility however with you earning so much then there must be cash available to cushion the blow.

It does seem horribly distasteful and princess-esque for you to be having the “wedding of your dream” bleurgh when his child is having vastly reduced living standards.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/12/2019 19:28

I couldn’t spend a huge amount on what is essentially a big party knowing I had reduced child support payments because I wanted to go back to education as an adult.

I can see the friends point of view in that respect and also in the “whole big wedding” being the focus given it’s a second marriage.

AJPTaylor · 01/12/2019 19:29

It is your money. But it is joint money conveniently to allow you to support your dp to cut his pay (to nothing?) whilst retraining.
I think it would be tough on the child's mother who has no choice but to feed clothe and house the child's mother. Especially if your dp is half of an expensive wedding.

CherryPavlova · 01/12/2019 19:29

Yes I understand their perspective.

Cloudyyy · 01/12/2019 19:30

Basically it sounds as though you’ve done this on purpose . Screw the child right? Who goes back to education with a child to pay maintenance for when they already have a high paid career? What’s all the princess wedding malarkey when you’re watching your future step-daughter being affected by a monumental shift in lifestyle? It’s all very “me me me”.

DonPablo · 01/12/2019 19:31

She feels like he chucked his job in to spite her, because he lives with you and even though he's got no income, he's still enjoying the high figure salary lifestyle!

My only thoughts would be that all adults in his dds life want the best for her, don't they? So, if you could contribute say to living costs more to allow his dd some of the stuff she was used to, that would be great for her.

Ragwort · 01/12/2019 19:31

Agree with Bartlet & Ice, his DD is suffering a change in her lifestyle because of your good fortune in earning a high salary, did your DP discuss this with his ex wife? ... and a big 'showy' wedding in your 40s is beyond tacky. Hmm

TriangularRatbag · 01/12/2019 19:32

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

So you have an income in the region of £800,000. That must leave quite a lot of spare in the kitty. How much does his ex want for the child? Would it make much difference to you really?

TheRightHonerable · 01/12/2019 19:32

I’m torn.

It’s not fair for you to be expected to pay anything toward DD’s maintenance.

It’s not fair for DP to maintain his luxurious lifestyle whilst DD and EXW lose out.

I think the crux of this is whether DP would have given up his high paying career and retrained as a (poorly paid) teacher had he not met you. Regardless of ‘its his dream’ or ‘it makes him happier’ it’s not fair his life carries on as normal whilst DD and EXW take a big financial hit.

Letthemysterybe · 01/12/2019 19:33

I can see why the ex partner is put out. Your dp was able to change careers without sacrificing his quality of life at all, but his decision means that child has been effected financially. Your dps ex clearly couldn’t just choose to give up work and retrain in a less lucrative career as she has to support her children. None of this is your problem though. But if you are earning high 6 figures - what is that , over half a million? And he surely has savings/investments if he previously earned the same - then it seems that as a couple you could
continue to maintain the previous level of cm, and I can’t see why he wouldn’t want to do that.

friedbeansandcheese · 01/12/2019 19:33

I’m not surprised that his ex is upset! His much of a drop in CMS will this mean? Presumably a big one? So that will affect his dc’s standards of living?

If your h is retraining for a less stressful job, I’m not sure that teaching is the best choice...

I would feel very awkward about having a huge, extravagant wedding in your shoes. Sorry. I know that it’s not up to you to support your h’s kids, but they’re used to a certain level of support and it sounds this is going to change their lives. It’s not their fault.

What does your h’s ex do?

friedbeansandcheese · 01/12/2019 19:33

*How much of a drop

BarrenFieldofFucks · 01/12/2019 19:33

I get it tbh. Yes, of course you can have a lovely wedding. But it sounds like the only loser here is the other child as he is maintaining his wealthy lifestyle via you. Did he look at that before making the decision? Because considering whether he could afford his existing obligations should have factored into the decision...not just jumping to reduce cms

BandAid · 01/12/2019 19:34

I am in much the same position with my dp (though he lost his job and because I am in a high earning job, he's not under pressure to get another one so has been redeveloping our house I.e earns nothing now though it's saving us money as he's doing the work himself).

I do subsidise the amount he pays his ex so she has the same as before. We didn't want his dcs to suffer. Legally I don't have to, but morally we felt it was the right thing to do.

Ultimately, it's your money, you take the decision. And no one has the right to make you feel bad about it!

I once posted about this a while ago when we were pondering it and was told I was mad for even contemplating it! (Have name changed since then!)

BigChocFrenzy · 01/12/2019 19:35

"whether DP would have given up his high paying career and retrained as a (poorly paid) teacher had he not met you."

He might have had an MH breakdown or heart attack instead

His previous job was unsustainable
Only difference is that you are around to rescue him

RachelEllenR · 01/12/2019 19:35

I get their point really.

TidyDancer · 01/12/2019 19:35

I can see the ex's perspective. Legally you're in the right but morally what you've done doesn't really sit well with me. I would be contributing if this was my circumstance. Perhaps not to the same level but in some way. I get why the wedding is rubbing people up the wrong way.