Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Surely the fact that he is taking a 95% pay cut shows how very unhappy he was in the precious job?!

And to top it all off she had 100k a year which could have easily been saved wtf has it all been spent on

I also agree that, whilst it's not your problem, he has somewhat massively dropped his daughter's accustomed lifestyle whilst not missing out himself. Win win for him I guess. Having a huge flash wedding whilst not continuing to pay what he used to for his child seems quite crass as well. I mean losing jobs and becoming ill happens, but usually it affects the parent as well, how lucky it is that he has you to pick up his shortfalls money wise, so he can still persue his flights of fancy.

I hope hes not one of these people who finds teaching super stressful, not exactly a good career for it.

Ok, I was with you (although slight eye roll) until you said he really wanted to retrain to teach maths and promote STEM to disadvantaged students. Are you writing a Richard Curtis film OP by any chance??

@busybarbara nice little earner for the ex, that's for sure!

Am I missing something here? The guy has a potentially stress induced heart attack and is selfish for doing something to address his lifestyle?

Oh poor darling can’t go on a ski trip now because dad chose to prioritise his health and his family. How on earth does this make him a selfish anything?

Maybe the mum should buck up and chip in more instead of moaning about the gravy train stopping! Absolutely ridiculous.. do what you want with your money, if her needs are being met then alls well 👌🏻

Legally you're right but morally I think the gf is spot on. While your h2b was right to have quit the job that led to the heart attack, he went to a job that's going to pay like 30x less (750k vs 25k once he graduates) because he has you to enable this. He's right that redundancies happen but he won't see a drop in lifestyle thanks to you where as his child does. I can only imagine the hours that someone works on high six figures but I think that most men would pick a job that paid less but significantly less responsibility and hours (say £100k job) so that their child didn't end up with a significant drop in income.

The ex is not unreasonable to be annoyed You are not unreasonable to spend your money how you like but it is distasteful for him to have such a lavish wedding that costs as much as multiple ski trips.

If the RP marries a wealthy partner, then this doesn't affect NRP contributions
Same if the NRP marries someone wealthy

No, but the household income affects the children's loan/financial aid for uni and yet the NRP is no longer obligated to pay maintenance once the child is 18.

The reality is your DP, regardless of your relationship being in existence, may have taken the decision as a result of his health to retrain which would still have had an effect on CMP paid for the child. After all people in not so stable situations take this decision daily. What would the ex have said then?

Your money is yours to use as you desire be it support you DP or have the wedding of your dreams. I'm sure your DP will still ensure an acceptable level of CM for his child.

"feckless dad" is unfair, when he's just giving up a job that gave him a heart attack

Not surprising that he wants to completely leave that field and do something new

Well he had a heart attack so obviously his job was having a profound effect on his life. A living father who pays less is better than a rich dead one and anyone who suggests that he should have continued in thar toxic lifestyle really needs to think about what they are saying.

No child needs ski holidays.

They do need a good, involved father.

It is pathetic and joyless to judge someone for having a wedding that they would like. I'm currently planning my second wedding and I too am looking forward to having the one I want. It is only on MN that weddings are disparaged so ignore those comments, @Jpw74

Also ignore your fiancés friends and, to be honest, if I was you I'd be distancing myself from them because they aren't friends of yours or your fiancé.

Find it highly amusing you suggest she can be just as happy without extras yet you are planning a huge wedding. Surely you should practice what you preach and have a minimal wedding.

The 70% divorce rate for second marriages doesn’t surprise me. Vows are meant to me be life not for a few years until the next marriage. I’d find an invite to a lavish wedding highly tacky when it wasn’t a first marriage.

Your own upbringing, and the amount that was spent on you, is irrelevant. I’m afraid I agree with PP that a very lavish wedding is in pretty poor taste given the circumstances.

What are the custody arrangements?

It sounds like your husband would have had to quit his job pretty soon even without your income. Your income means he can retrain for a new job, without your support he might have ended up not working at all. However, teaching is extremely stressful.

Your wedding is nothing to do with his X at all.

The OP definitely should support the kids at uni, if her income affects their loan - she should fully make up any difference
That is a moral obligation

However, noone needs 100,000+extras when there is no mortgage, no private school
wtf does the ex spend all that on ?

I think it’s clear that the real problem here is the ex-wife who got used to £100k a year handouts. A child does not cost that much to raise, she was creaming it

Oh, yes, child maintenance is handouts. She was just using her child as a cash cow, for sure . A child can easily cost that much to bring up if they're going to private school and participating in certain activities.

@EstebanTheMagnificent she is with us Wednesdays, every other weekend and we figure out school holidays on a case by case basis but essentially they are split 50/50 with flexibility around what the mum wants to do and/or if we have a set holiday we would like to take her on

Does the ex work or was it funding her lifestyle not to have too, what is she putting in the pot towards her child
if he had died from the heart attack or continued in the type of job that caused it causing further ill health ,what help is that to his child
I see that he is not divesting himself of his parental obligations ,(unlike many you read about on here) just scaling them back to ensure he is around for his child
Questioning the OPs commitment to her stb stepchild is unfair
She is not responsible her partner and his ex are

I don’t think this is your fault at all. But I think your DP should’ve considered his daughter more when making this decision. I’m not saying he should’ve stuck with his job, but he should’ve looked at other options. Now he is able to live his life completely the same as it was before whilst his daughter has no luxuries, which she deserves if he her dad is able to have them. I also think having a big wedding would be quite tacky after this, so I can see where the friend is coming from

@dontalltalkatonce the OP has said the DD does not go to private school.

think it’s clear that the real problem here is the ex-wife who got used to £100k a year

Eh?

The OP's DH has got used to his extravagant lifestyle and is now being kept in the manner to which he has become accustomed by the OP whilst he nobly goes forth to promote STEM in underprivileged schools . FFS, its not a leap of faith if you are being bank rolled by your spouse who earns a 6 figure salary.

After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher

So, you looked at your salary and decided if he gave up work that you could still meet the financial obligations of your household. Maintenance is a financial obligation of your household. So why was maintenance dropped? Have you offered less to the electric company? Or your phone contracts? Do you haggle at the petrol pump to pay less?

Thinking about it, did he not have income protection insurance that he could claim on?

sorry but 100k a year is a bloody handout-yes kids cost but no that much

Child maintenance is a handout . Wow.