Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Having grown up not having ski trips abroad, fancy lessons and tutoring I simply don't see it a being essential to him being a good father and I don't want to pay for it myself.

I also grew up without these things and turned out fine 👍🏻
But did either of us grow up not having these things...whilst one of our parents and their new partners did??

That’s not really fair.

Not sure teaching is the career for someone prone to stress induced heart attacks.

And that.

I agree with others. You persuaded him to chnage careers but enable him to have same lifestyle as he had when earning 6 figures. I'm guessing the drop in maintenance has been huge.

It distasteful throwing a big wedding indirectly your actions have affected his daughter. Is she in private school by any chance as well?

How much is he paying per month now?

I feel you are being a bit manipulative in your response, implying that it's just about luxuries. The Ex has taken a huge hit in terms of day to day living expenses.

I would be embarrassed having a huge expensive wedding and paying low maintenance.

But, I think it depends on the Exes job. If she is a high-earner and the maintenance money was just for extras, then I don't think you are unreasonable. If they are struggling to pay for food and clothes, then I think it's a problem.

I think we need to know even approximate amounts being paid before and now.

Not sure being a teacher will reduce his stress levels !!

Lets be honest if we were the OP ex and he had started to say that he couldnt afford to pay for a school ski trip and then was having what sounds like at least high 5 figures on a wedding who wouldnt make a comment to their friends about it after a glass of wine or two!

I'm on the fence with this one.
The wedding: do what you want. Your wedding, your money.
Normally I'd say your income has nothing to do with CM payments but..... it's this income that is allowing a career change and a lower CM payment.
Ok it sounds as though your DP previous career wasn't viable health wise. But would he have gone down the retraining route without your salary? Or taken another job/reduced days?
On another note: teaching is not stress free. The retention rate of NQT's is appalling.

On that salary he must have savings?? Surely that he can put towards the DD stuff if not and I was you and had that huge salary, I would pay towards it, that is huge money and also teaching is hugely stressful, he may want to have a big think about that

Dda luxuries have to be curtailed, but yours and your dps dont. That's crap

The fact is that the only person losing out in this scenario is the child. You and your DP get to maintain your luxurious lifestyles, while her luxuries have been cut.
Legally of course you don’t have to pay for her. I’m not sure I could do it myself though.

It’s not your responsibility and the wedding has nothing to do with it. Spend what you like. But it IS your partner’s responsibility and if the reason he was able to downsize so much is because he essentially doesn’t feel the pinch because of your income, while all the downside goes to his DD, I do think that makes him look rather bad as a father. Also because an equivalent choice within a marriage is not the same: it would be a joint discussion between spouses and presumably done with minimal repercussions on the children. Again, that is not for you to fix financially, but perhaps he can look at paying more for his daughter. If he made that much before, he must have some cushion somewhere.

Teaching is an odd choice too. High stress job, starting salary low (low to mid £20ks depending on location).

Legally I understand it's your money to do what you want with but I can see the friend's POV. It does seem like the DD is the person to miss out. Also not sure teaching is a low stress career. Not on MN anyway*

*very much not a teacher

Not such an unusual story - he's still a selfish wanker however. He's indulging himself to the extent that you can't once you've chosen to have children. Once you've made that decision, your choices as a parent are limited for at least 18 years

I couldn't agree less - what's wrong with him retraining to be a teacher? He didn't do it to spite his ex.

And, OP, I think youR friend needs to butt out (unless of course she is related to or a friend of the ex of your husband

OP, if you are genuinely on high six figures - e.g. 800,000k, could you not just do the right thing and pay the maintenance? How much of a difference would it actually make?

To give real figures, partner is paying 1300 a month to Ex now. As other posters have said, its coming out of his savings since that figure is of no relation to what his future earnings will be or currently are.

Previously he was paying significantly more. Essentially it added up to about 100,000/year all in (monthly plus any extras - which is how he thought about it). Dd goes to state school not private.

House was bought for them so no mortgage.

YANBU about the wedding or maintenance but if you really do earn high 6 figures (as in nearly a million) I think paying for school extras is fair, supplementing your partner should cover stuff like that because his child is a part of him in my opinion. And you may have grown up with less money and been happy without the trips, but his child has grown up with more money and now suddenly doesn’t have it (like their peers will) even though their dad still has it. Obviously it’s not your responsibility but personally I would be willing to pay for these extras.

A massively expensive wedding when both in your forties and it’s second time round is über naff anyway.

This! God, I roll my eyes when we get invitations like this (and decline).

I also agree with Tutti.

He's a bit of a turkey.

No, it is not your responsibility to pay for his children.

A big 'dream' wedding after completely 'downgrading' his children is, however, as tacky as all fuck.

Not that I'd marry a man who could be so influenced by someone and think nothing of impacting his children so negatively.
Then again, he shouldn't be marrying someone who waltzes in, wreaks havoc and feels NO sense of responsibility for his children. Not that I believe you should have to pay, as I've said, it's more the fact that you seem to have no clue and no feelings towards them.

Enjoy your 'dream' wedding OP.

If you don’t want any responsibility for SD, that’s fair enough. Don’t get married.

This is all really hard to judge in the abstract. Anyone would struggle on dropping from CM based on up to £1m a year down to it being based on a teacher’s salary. The unfairness does seem to be that he hasn’t lost out because you subsidise him.

Clearly a morality issue.
Your partner’s daughter will be your stepdaughter.
Your stepdaughter’s mum hasn’t had the same financial benefit as her father.
It’s not fair on you, I know, but if you’re prepared to throw thousands of pounds at your wedding but your stepdaughter’s life isn’t going to benefit from this change of her father’s income... it seems a bit unfair from her and her mum’s perspective.
That’s the trouble with divorce where children are concerned... the children will always be there, no matter what the change in circumstance.
I think that you and your partner need to sit down and discuss your future with her in mind. You won’t like it , maybe, but she is his daughter.

His ex was getting 100k a year maintenance and had no housing costs or school fees?! Wtaf was she spending it on? That's mega money! Surely she saved it in the bank so can use it now??? Seems a non issue tbh.

A massively expensive wedding when both in your forties and it’s second time round is über naff anyway

Agreed.

Apart from that, the divorce rate for second marriages is somewhere around the 70% mark so it may end up being quite a waste.

Also please tell me these 800k jobs so I can retrain

@gypsywater ok maybe you see my point now. I feel like for over a decade she had the opportunity to save. Even today she is still not getting an insignificant amount (more than my parents spent on me when I was growing up!) but I don't know...