Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Thing is, if he was still earning 6 figures and the ex met someone who was earning even more his contribution wouldn't be affected. So it works both ways.
But I would probably help out with ski trips etc if I had the money

The friends were rude to comment, but your fiance could have done better by his DC financially. Facilitated by you he gets to maintain a good lifestyle while retraining - which relatively few people can afford to do with dependents - having a lavish wedding and “having conversations” about DC’s “extras”.

Plenty of us have MH issues and make work changes and do everything else we can about it, but taking a 75% pay cut (new teachers earn something like £25k) is extreme. Teaching can be a highly stressful job too.

Have the wedding you deserve OP - you have earned it!!

You are setting a great example to DD, to earn her own money one day and not to depend on anyone else! Her fathers situation has changed - she has to adapt!

After a heart attack, he might even be lucky to be alive (other posters have glossed over that)!

Like you said, the extras are not like ski holidays/tutors are not an 'essential', he still sounds like an attentive father.

He should have better prepared his exW and DD for their change in circumstances, after a heart attack people look at life very differently and value what is important to them.

Live your lives you both want together - all the best!

OP has his ex actually said anything to you though as surely this is about how it is perceived by his friends not by the ex

I don't think the actual figures are as important as the comparative figures.

You have indicated that his decision (funded by you) has resulted in his CM maintenance payments now being about 15% of what he paid before!!

In what other situation would you expect ANYONE to take a financial cut of 85% and just suck it up without comment!

I feel like for over a decade she had the opportunity to save

Likewise, so did your DP. But he's happily now living off you and letting his child take the financial hit.

What a catch.

@Jpw74 I am totally with you, I think this is patently ridiculous! 100k a year maintenance - LOADS should be saved. She is a FOOL if she didnt save this for their DD. You cant just expect the same level of maintenance the whole time..
what if something terrible happened etc? I still cant get over 100k! I mean I get why she is sore now, who wouldnt be, but 100k for how many years?!?!

If she was getting the equivalent of £100k before, with no housing costs, and is now getting £1,300 a month, with no housing costs, then I think the ex has it pretty good myself. £1,300 a month, no tax, and with no rent or mortgage to pay is fucking cushy and is more than what most people have left after paying rent / mortgage.

And on that level of money she (should) have some whopping savings.

It really doesn't sound like she's disadvantaged.

@CurlyTwirlyTwos thank you! I know others have said teaching is stressful, but he had this moment where he realised he was not contributing anything to the world and had always wanted to teach maths, promote STEM in underprivileged schools and I am really proud of him that he took this leap of faith

@CurlyTwirlyTwos THIS

"If you're stressed out on high six figures you have options that don't involve taking a job that pays c. £30k"

Not necessarily
The low stress jobs tend to be lower pay than 6 figures

I cannot see a scenario in which someone in the £500k to £1m income band cannot find a nice consultancy role or similar that earns £100k for relatively little work. Realistically, he has built up a lot of sector-specific knowledge, prestige and contacts. It's totally normal for someone in that position to step back but keep their hand in with a nice little earner. It is ridiculous to suggest that this man's only option was becoming an NQ teacher and imo unrealistic to suggest that he would have taken this job if he hadn't got engaged to a high earner.

He's very selfish imo.

To give real figures, partner is paying 1300 a month to Ex now

If he’s an NQT, isn’t he only taking home about £1600 a month?

I could never marry a man who put his self b4 his children like that, he could of gone part time? Diff company? Plenty of options b4 becoming a student while he’s got mouths to feed. So selfish. And yes, kids don’t need skiing trips and stuff, it’s much harder not to have what you’ve been used to though.

Op ,I think what you are doing is wrong ,you should be paying the ex the shortfall...she’s your step daughter,your supposed to love her,if not why marry her dad?

I think strictly speaking, not any one of these things is wrong, but taken together it's not covering either of you in glory.

Have I got it right that he was previously paying the ex something like 8K a month, and now it's 1300?

Of course this is going to cause issues.

She doesnt need ski trips or tutoring their luxuries-things change she has to learn thatsb life

as long as everything like food and clothing are covered they should cut their cloth

Oh yeah op ,I forgot to say ,looks like u got yourself cocklodger there

Can I ask why the DD isnt at private school? I cannot fathom what the ex spends 100k maintenance on with no housing costs? Does she work herself too?

If the RP marries a wealthy partner, then this doesn't affect NRP contributions
Same if the NRP marries someone wealthy

Her partner is paying 1300/month out of his savings, which is loads for his kids, especially when his ex has no mortgage

The OP certainly isn't obliged to pay 100,000/year + extras for someone else's kids

She has the right to marry and choose whatever wedding she wishes, with her own money, just like the rest of us

• marrying someone with kids doesn't mean you have to live in sackcloth & ashes, so as not to offend the 1st wife

Generally, I would say that his child is his responsibility, @Jpw74, but in this instance I agree with the poster who are saying that they only person losing out now is your dp’s child - and that just seems very unfair.

And whilst I too grew up without ski trips etc, and turned out just fine, the situation here is very different. Your dp’s child is losing a standard of life they were used to, rather than never having had it. Her dad’s lifestyle is the same, materially speaking, as it always was - and better physically and emotionally - and you are getting your fancy wedding - but her life has got appreciably worse.

I can’t think of many people who would be happy seeing their child put in this position, so I don’t blame his ex for complaining, or the friend for putting in her two-pennorth.

It sounds like he is thinking of everyone else but not his DD, yes of course these sums are huge but presumably his DD was used to having a very comfortable life style and now just because her dad has shacked up with you her lifestyle has changed considerably whilst his hasn't because you are subsidising his .... and seriously, big weddings in your 40s are totally naff.

Plenty of us have MH issues and make work changes and do everything else we can about it, but taking a 75% pay cut (new teachers earn something like £25k) is extreme.

The OP's fiance earned high six figures - assuming former income of £500k-£1m and future income of £25k this is a 95-97.5% pay cut!

The only person suffering for that choice is his daughter.

I think it’s clear that the real problem here is the ex-wife who got used to £100k a year handouts. A child does not cost that much to raise, she was creaming it

It’s your money and you’re not obliged to pay the difference between what his ex was getting and what she gets now, but morally yes I think you should.

Who’s quality of life in terms of finances changed? His hasn’t, yours hasn’t, but his child’s has and I don’t think that’s right. It’s nothing to do with what you think the child’s life should be like. Her parents made decisions about that when they were together and when they split. It can’t be right that as a direct result of meeting you that he was able to change his work situation, but his daughter has to make sacrifices.

I am not divorced or have any step children, but I did have a father who lived a comfortable life while my brother and I didn’t have new clothes until we were old enough to buy them ourselves. Staying with him and seeing that he could easily afford things that were luxuries to us made us feel unloved, rejected and unimportant.