Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

Oh and there have been some very bitchy comments about getting married in your 40’s. Well done on the smugness of by luck basically meeting the right person in your 20’s or 30’s

The comments aren’t about getting married in 40s it’s about having an extravagant 2nd time around wedding (for both partners) when cm been drastically cut.
People who know the couple well in real life feel it’s inappropriate enough to have mentioned it hence op asking on here.

Expensive may not mean extravagant /lavish/tacky and whatever else this wedding has been called. Weddings are expensive full stop. How on earth does this ‘friend’ know how much you are spending on your wedding anyway?

This ‘friend’ is privy to all kinds of information

Lots of projection this child is hardly going without. Mum gets good maintenance and lives mortgage free why can't she step up now the fathers health is at risk? He's not a dead beat dad he's working and paying. Have an amazing wedding and ditch those'friends ' they are arse holes.

They were out for drinks with best friends so presumably discussing wedding. It would be obvious roughly how much spending if they say we are having it at x venue or my dress is from y boutique. OP talks about having dream wedding she couldn't afford first time around maybe she said she’s having a Glass princess carriage pulled by 6 white horses hence friend commenting if it’s wise in circumstances.

Said ‘friend’ also knows all about the CMS situation.

Despite DSD’s mother being a waitress DP had a two week fling with, so hardly likely to be part of their wider social circle.

Seriously you’d expect fiancé to ditch his best friend? He’s had major life changes, anxiety stress serious health issues and a new gf. He needs a good friend in his life.

This woman has been very silly to not put some by realising that they were never married and so she could have had this payment taken away at any time

What has her never being married got to do with anything? The money hasn't been withdrawn because of some kind of 'no ring, no payment' loop hole. It's child maintenance. Payable for children, married or not.

Well obviously be law your are entitled to spousal maintenance and more money if you’re married. Half of all assets/ shares: pensions? Of course the fact that it was a two week fling versus a 10 year marriage has everything to do with it!!

She should have been saving like mad. The DP didn’t have to pay anything above basic child maintenance.

We don't know that she hasn't saved. This has all come from a friend rather than the ex. We don't know how this friend has formed their opinion.

Say the op had been saving for years working in a less well-paid job, to give her the wedding she wants. Same situation with regards to health and carer change.

Would people be still saying she shouldn't have the big wedding, because the child will not be disadvantaged in some way?

Sotiredofthis
This woman has been very silly to not put some by realising that they were never married and so she could have had this payment taken away at any time

What has her never being married got to do with anything? The money hasn't been withdrawn because of some kind of 'no ring, no payment' loop hole. It's child maintenance. Payable for children, married or not.

Because (as explained) she is not entitled to any spousal maintenance just child maintenance and there’s an upper limit which is only just over £1,000 a month so she was obviously very exposed that the arrangement could go to that amount at any time. I wasn’t judging if they were married or not.

As was said by a previous poster often children live with their mother and step father who would be expected to pay. So if she was that concerned about the child benefiting from the ExP’s new status she could always say that the child should go and live with the father and new partner. Don’t worry OP I am being utterly facetious. However, the serious undertone of it is that she wouldn’t do anything for the child’s benefit and it’s not your child - it’s your money, and it’s not your responsibility. She sat on the gravy train expecting it to just continue indefinitely. I will say I know those figures you are talking about in general terms for the exw personally and it should have been a doddle to save. Instead she used child maintenance as spousal maintenance and not your problem.

Also no one knows what the new commitments are for the OP and her new husband. They could have a shed load of debt Or be actually paying for school fees or a big mortgage considering none of that has even been clarified.

@Cushionsarecomfie. Did you miss the bit where they were both earning almost a million quid a year, and have no other children apart from the daughter who goes to state school?

My point is they could have calls on their own finance that have not been declared and actually it doesn’t matter. It’s just not her responsibility. The exw was using it as spousal support if there is no mortgage, no school fees etc.

I don't doubt the OP.
All they know is what their fiancee has told them.
Fiancee's best friends wife has alerted OP to the fact that the OP may not understand the situation as well as they think they do.

It’s not up to the OP to understand.... it’s absurd. No one knows what the exw has apart from no mortgage, no fees and an above base maintenance allowance so she must have got a pretty decent settlement as well as this £100k for god knows how long so either she is reckless or very nicely set up. Yes it’s a pay cut but she didn’t earn it, she expected her ex to risk a heart attack to support her and now his new wife to take on the mantle. Greedy as fuck.

Those saying that he has left his dd in a worse place because he changed jobs, well, she may eventually have been in an even worse place had he continued in a highly stressful job which affects his mental health so badly!

The fact that he gave up a 6 figure salary in order to get his MH back on track speaks volumes about where he was before he made that move.

Besides, if the ex isn't happy, it's a conversation she needs to have with HIM, not with op via a friend.

Meanwhile, when questioned on her story full of holes, the OP has fucked off, to the far side of fuck, never to be seen again.

Ffs she is his responsibility not yours. Not now, not ever. If you want to contribute then that’s generous of you. If you don’t then that’s nobody’s business. However a high proportion of MN posters has a massive problem with step mums.

I'm remarried and until our kids were 18 mine got money dependant on my salary and my negotiation with my ex etc and my husbands on his. They got treated the same for xmas birthdays etc and expensive stuff they needed was negotiated. Once they were 18 we gave them money for university getting started in business etc as a couple largely treating them equally but also according to circumstances eg a student in London with tuition fees needs more money than one in Glasgow without.

Those saying that he has left his dd in a worse place because he changed jobs, well, she may eventually have been in an even worse place had he continued in a highly stressful job which affects his mental health so badly!

Yes and he picks a low paid profession that people are leaving in droves because of the stress.

OP might just believe what she has been told by him. However, she is also a hedge fund manager. I cant believe she isnt concerned or questioned where his money has gone. Or she is fully aware that his drop in wage wont make a difference as he has lots of investments and extra income.

I honestly cant believe she isnt concerned about marrying a man who earned so much, now doesnt and will require supporting for the test of their lives. Anyone working in finance must know its financially risky based her wages. Never mind anything else she has accumulated.

Which makes me thinks she knows he is as financially as solvent as she is.

No one knows what the exw has
The exw is a different person, not the one with a child to support