Being made to feel guilty by friends. Should I contribute?

[Jpw74]

Nc as other threads may be outing. Sorry if this is long!

Been with partner for several years. Both in mid-early 40s. We are getting married later next year, second marriages for both.

When I first got married, neither me nor my parents had any real money to speak of. Ex-dh and I did a low key registry wedding.

Since then, my career has taken off, I feel incredibly lucky and I am planning on paying for the kind of wedding I’ve always dreamed of.

Now the point of my post: we were having drinks with partner’s best friend and his wife this weekend and the wife made some sort of comment like “I can’t believe you (me) are willing to throw Xxx at a wedding but are ok letting (my partner’s) other child receive less money via CMS”

Partner used to work a very stressful but lucrative job. When we got together I saw the effect the job had on his MH and how truly unwell he was because of it. After looking at my salary, we decided that it would be better for him long term to retrain and become a teacher, something he has always wanted to do!

His ex is unhappy because the drop in maintenance was significant and must be sharing this with friends. In all other respects partner has maintained the same relationship with his dd as before and we intend to do so going forward.

To my point: Am I being the unreasonable one in thinking I’ve worked hard for my money and if I want to throw myself a big wedding I should be allowed to do so. I am a hurt that the wife thinks I should be contributing to partner’s dd’s maintenance to keep it at previous levels.

Partner’s thoughts on this are that he is not dodging his responsibilities, parents lose jobs, switch jobs, etc As long as he parents to the best that he can both in the financial sense from his current salary and is physically present for his dd, Ex should have no right to look at me and my salary + the lifestyle it provides us as dd is not my responsibility.

To give you a sense of figures, I make high six figures/year as did partner before switching to being a teacher.

He's be able to give her even less if he had a breakdown and couldn't work at all. The ex has to suck it up.

There were lots of options he could have pursued. Rather than make a decision that only negatively impacts his child.

The child is half his responsibility. But he has decided because he wants to retrain and OP can afford it, he can cut his half significantly

As I said OP and her dp are treating their income as joint when it comes to some things, but not when it comes to supporting the child he already has.

Picking and choosing what suits? It doesnr suit to keep maintaining the child.

Also, your DPs ex needs to start earning more or find a partner who does....not resent your DP for finding you....the cheeky bitch! Enjoy your wedding OP.

And no they are not necessary of course they are not - children really do understand that and can see.

What she is going to struggle with I think it how it has impacted on her and not on her father - she is going to get of course that he was ill and needed to step back but the all singing and dancing wedding he is going to be having will sting and it will cause her to have issues with him.

Your view of what he is saying he doesnt come across well at all

Your DH’s mental health is far more important than any extra money. A teachers salary will give perfectly reasonable maintenance, the EX has no scope for complaint there. Would the DC reallt rather go skiiing than have their father still alive?

What jobs pay 800k?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

Premiership footballer?

However, his DC - and his health - are his responsibility, but your money is yours

But its not. OP is viewing it as a joint income and THEY have decided THEY can afford for him to retrain.

Not sure teaching is the career for someone prone to stress induced heart attacks.

I think this is one of those situations where the principle and the reality are very different.

In principle of course YANBU. It's your money and you can spend it how you like. You have no obligation to pay your DH's child support.

BUT your earnings are enabling your DH to take a massive drop in salary without forfeiting his standard of living. I don't know how he could be happy doing that, knowing that it will have a detrimental effect on his DD. It is completely different to him studying in order to ultimately provide a better life for his DD. Ultimately she will be financially worse off!

I do not believe that step parents income should be used for step child support so by the same moral principle, I don't think their income should be used to enable their spouse to reduce their contribution to CM.

As others have said I also see both POVs. Another to consider, though, is how the daughter (who I'm presuming is coming to the wedding) will feel seeing you have a super lavishing wedding while knowing her standard of living has been cut back? That's all relative of course, depending on her age, whether your wedding will be a 500 person affair with camels etc.

Also, do you and your partner plan to have kids? Because if you give your child all the things his daughter is now missing out on it will damage the relationship irreparably.

It may not be any of the friend’s business, but I applaud her for saying it.

While I know that paying his CM isn’t your responsibility, having a big wedding while that’s happening is tacky.

Imagine this from the child’s point of view-
My dad used to earn over £500k and paid CM but now he’s marrying a woman who also earns over £500k and he’s given up work so the rate of maintenance has been slashed hugely, and they live off her high six figure income. On top of that, they’re having an expensive wedding while saying that my school trips and activities have to be cut back.

"What prompted this was a diagnosis of stress induced (we think) heart attack and his doctor's suspicions that he was suffering from anxiety and depression."

That's NOT being selfish; it's self-preservation

Another heart attack could have killed him

Noone should have to work themselves into an early grave to pay for ski trips

I think there's a lot of space between high six figures and NQ teacher's salary though. I don't think you're being fair by framing it as the ex wanting him to work himself to death for the sake of some ski trips. If you're stressed out on high six figures you have options that don't involve taking a job that pays c. £30k (and is itself notoriously stressful). If you're happy with your choices that's all that matters, but I think that making the ex out to be some kind of shallow fool who only cares about her daughter wintering in Sas Fe is probably not the right approach. After all, if the little extras aren't that important, why can't your fiance pass any spending money he gets from you to her?

@AgileLass I'm not sure the OP is a premiership footballer

Of course you should have the wedding of your dreams

Though if affordable could you support husband even after the wedding to cushion the blow of less funds for dd ? His mental
Health is important and sounds like he was gonna burn out anyway, but you marry the man you gain a ready made family x

I don't understand big expensive second weddings. Women 40+ wearing big white weddings dresses and playing the blushing bride, looks a bit silly.

You've enabled your DP to significantly impact his child's lifestyle, blowing ££££ on a big party is distasteful imo.

Ugh. This is a hard one. Yes it's your money to do as you like with. But your partner made a choice to retrain to have a career where he'd make about 5% of what he made before? Surely he could have taken a step down that didn't affect his child's life quite so much?

I'm trying to get my head round what it means to earn £800,000 a year and what sort of wedding you're planning. But yep, it really doesn't look good when his child support has plummeted so dramatically.

Did he not save when he was earning mega money? Surely he didn't spend it all. Can any of that be used to top up what he's sending?

How old is child and what have they had to give up. You haven’t given figures but it must be hundreds of pounds a month the child is now not getting.
You say he was stressed but teaching is very stressful so he obviously is able to work.
If family 1 were together and he was ill and unable to work then the child would see that. But instead child sees dad able to date, plan a lavish wedding, study.

None of her business and she can not expect you to maintain a vastly abnormally extravagant lifestyle. However in your situation I would be making good on school trips etc.

Teaching is a pretty odd choice for less stress though...

I mean, wouldn’t a less stressful, less well paid job in the same sort of field he was in before have made more sense?

So tbh if I knew someone who’d done that I might think it was all a bit unfair on the DC.

YANBU. I doubt the ex was spending all the maintenance on dd and is feeling put out.

Whilst I think men who become SAHDs so that they can pay zero CMS for their DC are scum, this isn't what's happening here.

If DH is working full time and paying above CMS rate and contributing to other things then that's fine

"If you're stressed out on high six figures you have options that don't involve taking a job that pays c. £30k"

Not necessarily
The low stress jobs tend to be lower pay than 6 figures

Has your DP been saving into a savings account for his DD during his 'lucrative' years?Presuming he didn't share 50/50, even paying extra maintenance his ex will have saved him a fortune in childcare fees etc.
Not your responsibility however.

Why are posters slagging of the OP's DH's ex?

She hasn't done anything other than tell a 3rd party the facts of the situation. This 3rd party is the one who is voicing their criticism.

How old is his child? I'm assuming she is at private school if his previous salary was so high? I do see it from his ex's viewpoint, he still still live in a nice house, good holidays, big wedding on your dime whereas his daughter (and the exw) will have to massively adjust.

If his dad is teenage tbh I would hold off on the wedding and contribute to his maintenance for the next couple of years until she goes to uni, then assess how much he can support her. If she is still in primary school at least she can make an adjustment before high school.

While I would be thinking the same as his friends I wouldn't have said anything to your face tho!

I agree with @BigChocFrenzy

A massively expensive wedding when both in your forties and it’s second time round is über naff anyway.

To do this at a time when he has reduced his daughters standard of living is inviting alienation on her part. Perhaps that’s your intention?