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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Did you have some help”

181 replies

Legomanships · 01/12/2019 16:42

AIBU to find this response to us telling our friend we are having twins a bit rude?

I can imagine I may (possibly) be a little bit hormonal etc, but I feel like this is a weird response. It wasn’t said in a jokey way, and was the only thing she said before saying she was on her way out.

My husband also thought it was rude, but he might just be agreeing with me to make me feel less stupid.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 02/12/2019 21:43

I've gotta say, when I see couples, especially slightly older ones, with twins, I kind of assume it's IVF these days, but FFS, I'd never actually ask or say anything to that effect as I'm well aware I might be wrong!

Andysbestadventure · 02/12/2019 21:47

The increase of non identical twins is probably down to IVF or menopause babies. I think in our school there was one set of identical twins and one set of triplets. It was a huge school, like £1.5k pupils. Now in the same school my friend who teaches there says there are at least one set of twins in every year, if not two in some.

MrBandFritz · 02/12/2019 21:55

I've even been asked by random strangers in the supermarket! Always a surprise that people are so intrusive/insensitive but twins really seem to make some people act a bit weird.

Wholewheelofbrie · 02/12/2019 22:23

Rude AF, but, like one of the early posters said people are weird. And especially weird about pregnancy I had some very odd behaviour towards me from people who were supposed friends when I was pregnant.

On the subject of twins had years of IVF, no twins. But one of my best friends said to me about a friend of hers who was having twins ‘oh soandso is pregnant and it’s twins’ pause with a pointed withering look at me. ‘Naturally, natural twins’ wanted to drop kick out of the room. Still never properly forgiven her!

veeboo · 02/12/2019 22:34

Yanbu it is so rude. Its right up there with 'was it planned?' Which I've had 4 times during my pregnancy. A real kick in the teeth after taking a while to conceive. I now have a very flippant answer prepared!

HoppingPavlova · 02/12/2019 22:40

Guessing it was asked as twins are more common these days as a result of AC.

I used to have people ask me if I’d had IVF for my kids as one looks absolutely nothing like myself, DH or siblings. Personally I wouldn’t even be surprised if that one was a hospital mix upGrin. None of my kids look anything alike. So guessing people think IVF with sperm/egg/embryo donors? All biologically ours though. It’s weird what people think is normal to ask.

I used to respond by not saying yes or no but ‘that’s an odd question to ask’ and then change the topic. Now I am old and crabby, when faced with odd questions I say ‘oh dear, you used your out loud voice for that’ and then change the topic.

DPotter · 02/12/2019 22:47

You could say you had sex twice in one night with your DH.
I don't think it's rude per se, depending upon the tone of voice, but it's certainly invading your privacy.
I was asked by my boss if my pregnancy was a mistake - female and medic to boot. Some people just have no filter. Eye roll and then ignore

TheyWentToSeaInASieve · 02/12/2019 23:06

People love to nose. We got asked all the time (including by my stupid mother). In the end I got tired of being nice and said something like: we just shagged a lot.

LauraMacArthur · 02/12/2019 23:11

TBH I wouldn't get hung up on it unless she's said other offensive things. I was asked if my babies were planned, which I found a bit odd but got over it pretty fast. I was also asked if I was planning a second, which is apparently mortally offensive according to mumsnet. I just saw it as making conversation tbh. Yes, o could have had secondary infertility. But you can never totally avoid causiyiffense without

Casmama · 02/12/2019 23:12

@HoppingPavlova ‘oh dear, you used your out loud voice for that’ and then change the topic.

I loove that - very versatile phrase that one, i must remember it Grin

LauraMacArthur · 02/12/2019 23:15

Cont'd * without knowing everything about the person in advance.

Jellyrunner · 02/12/2019 23:15

Some people think it’s acceptable to quiz you over how you conceived. I had my son when 41 and my ‘best’ friends felt it appropriate to quiz me on my fertility while on a hen do and implied I can’t have conceived naturally given my age. Ended up fielding 20 questions ( from other women I didn’t know) on the subject, it was awful. I hadn’t had ivf, but even if I had some kind of treatment it wasn’t their business. People are weird. Try to ignore it all, unfortunately it doesn’t go away.

PS they aren’t friends of mine anymore, I realised they were shit friends

NearlyGranny · 02/12/2019 23:19

Somehow seeing people pregnant or with small children just disinhibits some folk! Just as you get used to whipping your knickers off at every visit to the doctor, you have to get used to the prurient curiosity and inappropriate questions of friends and strangers.

I think saying your husband helped is sheer brilliance! Persistent nosiness calls for a tactical block with "Why would you ask that?" with a follow up for rude FiLs and similar of, "Did you intend that question/comment to be offensive or do you just not realise how rude and intrusive you sound?"

Call it out. You will probably never see the random nosy person again, but family and work colleagues will grind you down with it if not stopped in their tracks.

Mother of completely grown up girl/boy twins; no, not identical 🙄 not IVF either (we lost those but the clinic included them in their stats as a success) but an assisted conception after seven years of infertility and pregnancy loss. Why would any sane person want to hear that saga on the pavement outside the post office? Don't ask!

NearlyGranny · 02/12/2019 23:22

The 'out loud voice'! Genius. Wish I'd thought of that. 😆

ysmaem · 02/12/2019 23:32

YANBU for finding this question rude. But some people have no filter and will say exactly what they're thinking. You can either let it slide or tell her you didn't appreciate her comment. Congratulations on your pregnancy OP

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2019 00:22

Whenever anyone asks me rude questions, and as the birth mother of a mix of white and mixed race children I get a LOT, I like to take the route of deliberately misunderstanding them.

"Did you have any help?" Oh yes, I have a cleaner three times a week, she's marvellous!

msmum007 · 03/12/2019 00:29

I think it’s inevitable that people are going to ask these days. People don’t hesitate to ask inappropriate questions these days. Fact.
I think that if you wish your twins to not realise that they were conceived through IVF, then you and your husband should stick to that and tell absolutely everyone they were conceived naturally, and I mean absolutely everyone. Otherwise, it only takes one person, one slip of the mouth, perhaps with little ears listening in, to stick to the conceived naturally story, now and forever more. Get rid of any paperwork before the children themselves become inquisitive, about the age of 5/6. Otherwise the truth will inevitably come out at some stage later in their lives.
I know all too wellBlush. I remember being a very quiet, curious, knowledgeable little girl of seven once upon a time, when my parents were discussing this, at the dinner table, and my mother mentioned to my father that the parents had made the decision to not ever tell their existing children.
As per usual, I was allowed out to play after dinner, and yes, you can guess the next bit. I still cringe with absolute embarrassment now. But realistically, if it was that important, my parents should have discussed it when I went out to play. Not at the table! And not that it was a secret from their children. I was only seven, remember, before you judge.
Fortunately and thankfully, the parents in question were quite philosophical about it, when the truth came out. They decided that it was better that the truth was out, everyone knew and no more was said. Certainly not to my parents anyway! They stayed best friends for many decades following that, and I’m still good friends with my friends.
So what I’m saying is that either way, you need to get your story straight, no matter what, and both stick to that with absolutely everyone.
Personally, we put it down to tantric sex, saying my husband and I had been on a tantric sex course and nothing had ever been the same since. Then I’d suggest they googled about them too. Then when more questions were inevitably asked, I’d point them in the direction of the library and Amazon (they sell everything there, after all, don’t they!?). I’d tell them that it’s much better to learn these sorts of things from a book, so that the two of them could literally practise, as they went along, after all.
It used to have my husband in stitches laughing afterwards, but I think that it rather boosted his ego too.

Alexapourmeadrink · 03/12/2019 00:46

@drspouse yes “real children” and “real parents” is so ignorant. My two adopted DS have learning disabilities and they get compared to “normal” children. 🙄

Namechangerextraordinaire1 · 03/12/2019 07:30

Reading these responses it still seems a lot of people are more offended by the very idea they're not fertile enough to conceive naturally, rather than whether the friend in the OP was rude to bring up fertility matters. No wonder we still keep hush hush about infertility.

I have a naturally conceived dd and we are just about to announce baby #2 is on the way, who is an IVF baby (ICSI in fact, we needed a lot of help). My dd will be a couple of weeks shy of 11 when baby arrives and I'm sure people might wonder. We began ttc when dd was 5, so it's been a bloody long hard slog to get to this point. I'm not quite brave enough to be bold about it yet, but I'm hoping to get to that point eventually so I can shut down any rude people who want to talk about my fertility

CallmeBadJanet · 03/12/2019 07:43

Either she's just thick and thoughtless (so how is she your friend?), or she's jealous that youre pregnant and it's a snidey way to take a dig at you. You're about to have a massive adventure, give her a couple of chances to be alongside you. But not too many.

Spidey66 · 03/12/2019 07:46

I might think it but it would be rude to say it.

ActualHornist · 03/12/2019 14:53

It is rude but it’s also the sort of pregnancy small talk that everyone gets.

Even women pregnant with singletons get tbe ‘was it planned?’ which is much the same.

jwpetal · 03/12/2019 15:05

we got it all the time. It didn't really bother me. I was more bothered that I was having twins than how they were conceived. We already had one. Husband wanted a second. I said, I will never have 3 kids...well I have had to eat those words. So a question about how they were conceived after the shock of twins was and is nothing.

ChristmasConcert · 04/12/2019 00:26

So weird! I have IVF twins and no-one ever asked me that? Mind you, close friends knew - and I tell everyone anyway - but I can't imagine people asking out of the blue, even if they wonder it's none of their business.....

Just rude!

Lardlizard · 04/12/2019 00:29

When I was pregnant with twins I had people telling me, I didn’t you you were having fertility treatment !! In an outraged why didn’t you tell me way
I wasn’t

People are so weird at times

Didn’t turn out well for me though so that just pales into insignificance