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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Did you have some help”

181 replies

Legomanships · 01/12/2019 16:42

AIBU to find this response to us telling our friend we are having twins a bit rude?

I can imagine I may (possibly) be a little bit hormonal etc, but I feel like this is a weird response. It wasn’t said in a jokey way, and was the only thing she said before saying she was on her way out.

My husband also thought it was rude, but he might just be agreeing with me to make me feel less stupid.

OP posts:
drspouse · 01/12/2019 20:41

Come on, it's pretty close!

BertieBotts · 01/12/2019 20:42

Oh no wait that is 2/101 = 1/50.5

Blush

Ignore me!!

BertieBotts · 01/12/2019 20:42

Yeah, it was my maths which was wrong... doh...

TwinMumSuperHero · 01/12/2019 20:53

Double trouble and hands full Confusedall the time. Only had 'were they natural?' once from strangers. All the time from healthcare professionals though

sallysparrow157 · 01/12/2019 20:58

I keep being asked if twins run in the family, or comments made that it must have been a shock, which generally leads to us saying they are IVF babies - I wonder if it’s a subtle way of asking!!

Karwomannghia · 01/12/2019 20:58

See also ooh you’ve got your hands full and did you not have a T V?

Jemstar33 · 01/12/2019 20:58

I'm pregnant with twins and I've been asked this question so many times. I think it's so personal.
I did have help to conceive but I feel like people only think twins are special if you didn't have help. Like an anticlimax or something. But hey, maybe it's my hormones too 😂

ThanksAllTheSame · 01/12/2019 20:58

Most transfers are single embryos in the UK. Twins are down to many reasons, older mothers, better survival rates during pregnancy/infancy for example. So like a PP said it's outdated to think that twins are down to IVF.

Also, anyone who doesn't think there is a stigma attached to IVF is sadly mistaken. That said, I would accept any level of stigma or other people's disgust about my test tube babies in order to have them. Someone I was having lunch with openly said to me that test tube babies were 'grotesque' when I was pregnant with my first IVF baby. I silently got up and walked out of the restaurant and never looked back at her. Grin

legalseagull · 01/12/2019 21:20

Having IVF isn't an insult you know??? I think your reaction is quite offensive. Your friend might be rude to ask a personal question but you're talking like she's insulted you by suggesting it

Ginger1982 · 01/12/2019 22:17

"Having IVF isn't an insult you know??? I think your reaction is quite offensive. Your friend might be rude to ask a personal question but you're talking like she's insulted you by suggesting it"

This. I had DS by IVF so am obviously biased but I couldn't get worked up about the actual question. You're happily able to say no, it was a natural conception. It isn't a question I would automatically ask if I knew someone was having twins (though I might think it) but IVF would be nothing to be ashamed of.

Original poster
Legomanships · 01/12/2019 23:59

Really sorry if it came across that I would be offended to have someone suggest I had IVF, my surprise was that anyone would ask anything about someone’s fertility. Didn’t mean to suggest anything about natural v assisted pregnancy at all. Very sorry! It was a weird conversation, but we won’t lose sleep.

Thanks so much for the congratulations and well wishes - glad to hear we will have a lifetime of strange questions ahead Smile

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 02/12/2019 01:41

Eh

Needing assurance from a reproductive endocrinologist is so common in our circles that people talk about it openly. We all know which twins came from IVF and which came just from clomid.

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 01:59

Hello. Mum of surprise twins here.

People will ask this a lot. Because twins are an unusual novelty to many of them. Nothing you can do about that.

They are not interested in your fertility, and querying if you had help because of it. They are asking (in a clumsy way) if they were a total surprise, do they run in the family etc.

Be prepared for lots of clumsy questioning. People aren't trying to offend. They just get a bit excited around twins and don't think to deeply about different ways you could interpret what they're saying.

We went on a Tamba class, and the teacher had identical boys. I think they were about 4. She said still on a daily basis she was stopped by a random and asked "Are they twins?"

To which she would reply "No, triplets, but I leave the one I don't like at home" Grin

Be prepared for a lifetime of this.

BadMomma81 · 02/12/2019 15:04

Seems a bit touchy to me. People are just curious. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.
I wodner how many personal questions you're happy to answer about your sex life when you announce a pregnancy? So how many times did it take to get pregnant? Did you orgasm that time? What position was it in? I'm just curious.

OP congrats, apparently we have years of the questions ahead. More be using is me telling people my twins are identical (coming out in 2 weeks eeks) and then people asking if I'm hoping for one of each

Ambermonkey · 02/12/2019 17:37

My twins are 3 and I still get asked that all the time usually asked as ‘are they natural?’ To which I tend to respond ‘no they’re made of plastic’... or ‘are you asking if me and their dad’s organs work?’. They don’t tend to push the point after that 😂

Attitude84 · 02/12/2019 17:45

It is a very strange question to ask, so I’d have asked her to clarify her response. That would let her know it was uncalled for and hopefully to think before she opens her mouth in future!

manicmij · 02/12/2019 18:04

Surely twins aren't all that uncommon nowadays with no medical intervention. Why would anyone ask that? Rude, rude, rude. Honestly I have never been asked that. Think non identical may cause more to think of IVF. For your sanity, forget it.

Irisloulou · 02/12/2019 18:05

Not sure I would care tbh.
IVF or natural, same result in the end.

Would you have been offended if she asked do twins run in the family? Or is it just because she was a bit blunt?

BoobsInHiding · 02/12/2019 18:07

I’d just say ‘no help we just had sex twice one night 😬’

purplebunny2012 · 02/12/2019 18:13

1 in 100 births are twins so that's 1 in 50 children. So one pair per year in a two form entry school

There's 2 sets of id twins in my son's year of 30 children. I guess that's quite high

TheShoesa · 02/12/2019 18:14

I have twins (2nd pregnancy) and I was asked if they were 'naturally conceived' (yes, as it happens). To be fair, we had just started to look into IVF due to secondary infertility, and I read literature that said twins were becoming less unusual due to IVF and women delaying pregnancy - although the clinic we were with said they didn't put more than one embryo in utero due to the risks to the mother with a twin pregnancy.

I know it's just making conversation, but it is like people asking us if we were still trying for a second baby. The temptation to say 'so, you want to know if we are having repeated unprotected sex?' was quite high, but I followed the - think it, don't say it rule!

TheShoesa · 02/12/2019 18:15

And actually in my twins' school year (of 30 children) there is another set of twins (also naturally conceived). One set of identical boys, one set of non identical girls

Twinmama32 · 02/12/2019 18:16

I have twins and I’ve also been asked numerous times...
quite frankly it’s way too personal a question and why does it matter?!

Moominfan · 02/12/2019 18:22

I think it's a really intrusive personal question to ask. Fertility is such a sensitive topic

Jeeperscreepers69 · 02/12/2019 18:23

Curiosity amongst people. Its the twin thing it's unusual.

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