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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Did you have some help”

181 replies

Legomanships · 01/12/2019 16:42

AIBU to find this response to us telling our friend we are having twins a bit rude?

I can imagine I may (possibly) be a little bit hormonal etc, but I feel like this is a weird response. It wasn’t said in a jokey way, and was the only thing she said before saying she was on her way out.

My husband also thought it was rude, but he might just be agreeing with me to make me feel less stupid.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 01/12/2019 17:49

There is also the fact that many women will have had miscarriage after miscarriage and will want to hold onto the joy of being pregnant, without the memory of those losses overshadowing (I hope I haven’t offended with this choice of words) this happy time.

reginafelangee · 01/12/2019 17:52

I think any enquires about how others reproduce is rude and an invasion of privacy.

However statistically there's been a large rise in multiple births due to fertility treatments like clomid. That's where she will be coming from. But how crass to say it.

Straycatstrut · 01/12/2019 17:52

First thing I thought was "Yes the father may have given me a bit!" (aha!)... very weird response!

PettyContractor · 01/12/2019 17:52

As far as I can tell from a quick google, if someone has twins, the probability that they had IVF is about 40%. (Based on US statistics as of 2014.)

PettyContractor · 01/12/2019 17:53

Maybe not necessarily IVF, fertility treatment of any kind.

Libertylee · 01/12/2019 17:54

I had that question - “Were they natural?” when I had twins 20 years ago. Horribly intrusive, and you wouldn’t get that with a singleton.

Someonesayroadtrip · 01/12/2019 17:55

Yes it is rude. But I'm sorry to tell you but with twins people think they own you and will ask all sorts of weird and personal questions. Mine are 8 and I still get it.

QueenofLouisiana · 01/12/2019 17:56

I as asked several times “was it planned?” when we told people. I was 28, been married years and very settled so it wasn’t as if there was good reason to think it was a surprise.

It was rather a personal question I thought.

PettyContractor · 01/12/2019 17:59

Reading a bit further, that 40% figure I calculated may be wrong. There is a comment that about a third of the extra twin births are due to mothers being older, which also makes twins more likely.

TisTheSeasonToBeJollyFaLaLa · 01/12/2019 18:08

I'd probably think it. My husband has triplet siblings and I did wonder for years if his parents had help, even my husband didn't know! His mum told me once I was pregnant with our first child that they did have "help" with both pregnancies. I'd never ask even if someone had grown-up children, nevermind if they were currently pregnant. I know lots of people with twins I wonder, but it's none of my business to ask, it's just nosiness isn't it?!

DelurkingAJ · 01/12/2019 18:17

DM was an ‘older’ Mum (early 30s!) when I was born and her GP asked if it was natural!

He was an older gent and was astonished that she’d been married for 8 years without having a baby and now was...1980 so just late enough for IVF.

clareykb · 01/12/2019 18:21

Be prepared for the barrage of ridiculous questions when they are here and you have them out and about....many times random people in Sainsburys asked me if the "Were Natural", My twins are at school now and I still get the occasional stranger telling me that their neighbours cousin's wife had quads in the bath with only aromatherapy for pain relief and other such rubbish...

Josette77 · 01/12/2019 18:22

Very rude to ask. I get asked all sorts of things as an adoptive parent about my own fertility.

I do want to point out though that young people also experience infertility and IVF. I was 26 when diagnosed with endometriosis. Right after I started treatments. Being young doesn't exempt you from infertility.

recycledbottle · 01/12/2019 18:34

Friend has twins through IVF and was asked by loads of people. Unfortunately, I don't think this will be the first time you will be asked.

PlumsGalore · 01/12/2019 18:37

In the nicest possible way, even now, in 2019, twins are actually quite unusual.

My best friend has twins but we didn’t meet until they were 6 months old, they are now 19! When I first met her my instinct was “i wonder if they are IVF” quite simply because twins are unusual.

I would never, ever have said anything though.

As it happens they were not IVF, she already had a child, she gave birth naturally, one after the other, and was completely and utterly as nature had intended.

Turns out twins are very common in her family. Two sets to one one sibling.

yellowallpaper · 01/12/2019 18:41

I think she just blurred out some nonsense and is currently wondering why she said that!

JellyTeapot · 01/12/2019 18:46

Buckle up, you're in for a whole lot of inappropriate and stupid questions.

Are they natural?
Were they a surprise?
Are they identical? (no, one's a boy and one's a girl.)
But are they identical? (No, one has a vagina and one has a penis.)
Did you have a natural birth?
Are you feeding them yourself?

All from complete strangers in the supermarket. Along with the elderly lady who told DH to keep it in his trousers next time. Wasn't quite sure what to do with that advice!

But in all seriousness, congratulations. It's a wild ride but an amazing one.

Nanny0gg · 01/12/2019 18:51

In the nicest possible way, even now, in 2019, twins are actually quite unusual.

I was at primary school in the 1950s/60s. There were 2 sets of twins (boy/girl) in my class.

Someonesayroadtrip · 01/12/2019 18:55

I'm not sure they are particularly unusual, there are 4 sets on our school including mine, it's a school of 270 pupils. So that's fairly high rates. Identical twins are much more unusual though.

QueenArseClangers · 01/12/2019 19:02

My friend had surprise triplets when her and her DH tried for a second and final child. The amount of gobshites that ask her ‘are they ivf?’ etc is disgusting.
Sometimes she replies with ‘Well, DH did stick it in me three times that night’ to shut them up Smile

Brimful · 01/12/2019 19:12

I think any enquires about how others reproduce is rude and an invasion of privacy.

I agree, and I think any comment about even being a parent or not is incredibly rude.

A colleague very recently asked me if I had children. I said no. She then said 'Oh right! Was your plan to be footloose and fancy free?'

I was really caught off guard, and said 'No, sadly I can't have children, and IVF was unsuccessful.'

The atmosphere was so awkward, I felt mortified.

I wish people would realise you can't and shouldn't assume anything, or ask anything unless it's about information that's been voluntarily offered.

Blush
drspouse · 01/12/2019 20:31

1 in 100 births are twins so that's 1 in 50 children. So one pair per year in a two form entry school

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/12/2019 20:33

Really rude. Idiotic comment.

BertieBotts · 01/12/2019 20:39

It's outdated to say that twins are more likely with IVF anyway. That used to be the case because they couldn't accurately gauge the quality of embryos used for transfer so they just put several in and hoped 1-3 might stick. These days they only tend to transfer one or two at a time because they can more accurately gauge the quality and higher order multiples are considered unnaceptably high risk to implant on purpose. So while there are slightly higher rates from assisted conception, it's not as much as it used to be.

DrSpouse - your maths isn't quite right, it's 2 out of 101 children - so a tiny bit more than 1%. 4 sets in 270 children isn't outside of this because you'll only see standardisation when you look much higher e.g. in the 10,000s.

BertieBotts · 01/12/2019 20:41

As in, if you had 100 births, 1 pair of twins, 99 singletons, that's 101 children, 2 of whom are twins.

We had a set of triplets in my tiny school. No twins that I was aware of.