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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Did you have some help”

181 replies

Legomanships · 01/12/2019 16:42

AIBU to find this response to us telling our friend we are having twins a bit rude?

I can imagine I may (possibly) be a little bit hormonal etc, but I feel like this is a weird response. It wasn’t said in a jokey way, and was the only thing she said before saying she was on her way out.

My husband also thought it was rude, but he might just be agreeing with me to make me feel less stupid.

OP posts:
user1476277375 · 02/12/2019 18:28

Unfortunately as a mother of twins, you will find this kind of response a lot... Congratulations - it's one hell of a roller-coaster! 😁

EagleVisionSquirrelWork · 02/12/2019 18:31

I don't think there's anything that weird about asking, 'Are they twins?' My eldest two boys looked like twins for a couple of years because #1 was short for his age and #2 tall, but they were very alike in general. I just said no. It's not an unreasonable question whether they are or aren't. Twins are special and a lot of people are interested when they think they see some.

I wouldn't ask if someone's pregnancy was assisted though, even though I've been curious on occasion, because you've no idea what people have been through and whether they'd be comfortable talking about it. And if for any reason I did feel the need to ask, I wouldn't word it like the OP's friend did - if it was me she'd asked I'd have been puzzled and then said, 'Why would we need any help until after they're born?'

TheShoesa · 02/12/2019 18:32

Twins are still unusual enough to be a curiosity. It is lovely when they are babies and people come and talk to you because of that. Or when you are pregnant and people say, 'Are you having twins?' because you can say yes! which they aren't really expecting to hear. And you soon get used to 'Ooh, double trouble!' (Doubly blessed was my response to that)

And my favourite response to the old man who commented gruffly 'You've got your hands full!' when I was out with my then 5 year old and twin babies 'I know. Aren't I lucky!'

Onesnowballshort · 02/12/2019 18:32

@Jemstar33 I would not ask but if it was a friend and she shared with me that they'd used ivf I wouldn't think that was inferior at all - it's the opposite, I would be extra pleased as I would know they'd had a harder journey than most. Congratulations on your pregnancy Smile

BunsyGirl · 02/12/2019 18:36

Is there any possibility that she could have fertility issues herself? This could be her way of trying to open up to you about it.

StillWeRise · 02/12/2019 18:37

well, my twins are in their 20s and I got this a lot
I learnt from the whole experience how little people understand about human conception - eg thinking that DP was some super fertile god who caused me to have twins
then there was the journalist who came to see me when I started a twins club..
so, this is DD1 and she's....
18 months
right, so this is DD2 and how old is she?
well...they're twins, so...18 months

Iamnotagoddess · 02/12/2019 18:38

I have a mixed race son, I am white and blonde.

I lot of people ask if I am his “real” mum, we think it’s hilarious 😂

StrangeLookingParasite · 02/12/2019 18:40

The atmosphere was so awkward, I felt mortified.

Good grief. You shouldn't feel mortified. That horrifically rude person, though...

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 18:41

I think it's a really intrusive personal question to ask. Fertility is such a sensitive topic

I'd never really thought about it like that. I just presume people are asking if they were in anyway expected (run in the family, IVF) or a total surprise. I don't know why it matters, I think there's an element of twins being unusual so if they were completely unexpected, somehow that makes them more of a rarity and something to make more of a fuss over?

With ours, total surprise. No fertility issues.

It's got me wondering though, about the offence over IVF.

So (genuine question) I understand how fertility could be a sensitive area. Say, my twins were as a result of three rounds of IVF. Why would it be insensitive to discuss if they were IVF/genetic/total surprise from a fertility point of view... surely if I've got my twins, the fertility side has been "achieved" so to speak. I mean, it's still a pretty nosey question (even though often not intended that way) but I'm not sure that I understand why I'd be offended from a fertility point of view.

Not sure if I've phrased that particularly well...

Casmama · 02/12/2019 18:44

I might go with " ah details of the conception - well you go first then, tell me all about how you conceived your children"

jbfletcher1 · 02/12/2019 18:44

I know 2 people very well with non-identical twins who conceived naturally, & 4 sets in my extended family. I also know 3 people who had twins via IVF. I find that people who naturally conceive twins are the first to say it.

Tbh when I read about another celeb over 35 with boy & girl twins I assume IVF.

Jemstar33 · 02/12/2019 18:49

@Onesnowballshort thank you so much

@Courtney555 I think what annoyed me was the responses when I said no to conceiving via IVF (we got extra lucky on clomid) the responses have been "wow so it is a miracle then" makes me feel like a fraud if I don't explain the clomid. Then I feel shit that I'm down playing my pregnancy, every pregnancy is a miracle and when you've struggled to conceive comments like this just upset me.

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 18:50

When people exclaim to us "Oooh! Twins!" DH replies, "Yep, it's all in the technique" with a massive grin.

I was also in John Lewis the other day and an elderly lady came up and pointed at the bump. "He'll be here by Christmas" she says. "He and she will be here by Christmas" I reply. "Oh aren't you clever!! One of each! You clever clever girl!" she says Grin As if I had any control over any of it.

mebeforeyou · 02/12/2019 18:50

YANBU, it’s rude and presumptuous.

When I told my manager I was pregnant the first thing she said was ‘are you going to keep it?’ Some people are just plain rude.

Courtney555 · 02/12/2019 18:51

@Jemstar33

That never would have occurred to me, thank you for explaining

Ticketybootoo · 02/12/2019 18:53

It is rude - I had a 5 year gap and then had second baby at 39 and was asked the same thing . I was polite as it was a work colleague but maybe I should have been a little sharp Grin

NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 02/12/2019 18:53

There are so many more twins around today than there used to be that I think it's a fair question, albeit not one to ask unless one knows a family well.

I would have thought it more normal to ask if a family had help with looking after their twins. One of my friends had twins and struggled to keep on top of everything when they were babies. They were fortunate enough to come from comfortably off backgrounds, so both sets of parents paid for a nanny to help out.

Gbtch · 02/12/2019 18:58

These are insensitive questions. As is “why don’t you have children? “ and other similar intrusive questions. I have to say that I have been guilty of asking similar questions when I was a lot younger. I learned. My questions were never meant to be rude or insensitive they were born from genuine interest, insensitivity and naivety. Please be gentle with your friend , she probably meant no harm.

MSB02 · 02/12/2019 19:10

‘my surprise was that anyone would ask anything about someone’s fertility.’

@Legomanships you’re very lucky she was the first to ask! I have one DS and from the moment I started sharing that I was pregnant I got asked inappropriate questions on a fairly regular basis, including ‘Were you trying for long?’ and ‘Was this a longed-for baby’. The latter of which I’m still not sure what they meant—I assume they were trying to find out if we had tried for a long time but if I had answered ‘no’ it would have sounded like I didn’t want the baby! Can’t win and brace yourself for a lifetime of inappropriate questions. During pregnancy and having children seem to make people feel that you’re somehow public property and that they can comment on everything from your weight gain/loss to how you conceived. Never fails to amaze me.

TheBouquets · 02/12/2019 19:19

Slightly off track but I was asked if I "had to get married" i.e. was I pregnant and had to arrange a fast wedding. It was many years ago. The truth was that we had been married for over 10 years, were in a good place re housing and finance but it was so difficult to get pregnant and went through some real old fashioned style investigations. It was horrible. I just ignored that as the ignorant comment it was.

Anonanonanonanonanonanonanon · 02/12/2019 19:24

We all say crass things from time to time. People don't know what to say to pregnant women and idiotic stuff comes out. Maybe she was trying not to come out with a platitude and that seemed like an unusual thing to say. It's rude, but everyone does it.

msflibble · 02/12/2019 19:27

OP, does she have kids herself or is she trying to conceive? My first thought was she might be curious because she's having fertility issues herself. That's the only scenario I can think of in which a non-weird person would be so in their head that they forgot it's not normal or polite to ask such a question

KeraStase · 02/12/2019 19:31

It’s so inappropriate. Similar to telling a colleague and being asked if we’d been “trying”! My answer was “are you actually asking if I was purposely having unprotected sex?” 😂 It was worth it to see their expression

Countryescape · 02/12/2019 19:31

Very rude. I had the same asked of me “are they natural?” I was so annoyed I said “sorry what do you mean?” Of course she didn’t want to elaborate did she. Stupid woman.

chouflour · 02/12/2019 19:37

I’ve got twins and we get asked all the fucking time. It’s so annoying and intrusive.