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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve had the baby, but my DH has gained the weight. AIBU?

140 replies

theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:14

I’ll probably get shot for this but here goes.

Since our DD was born 16 months ago my DH has been steadily gaining weight. He isn’t ‘big’ by any standards but he used to be very slim, so the gain is noticeable. He has a distinct belly, the start of moobs and his face is much fuller. His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

Yes he’s my DH and I should (and do) love him anyway BUT I just don’t fancy him at this weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men and grabbing love handles does nothing for me.

Before anyone asks I’m back to the same weight and dress size eight I was pre pregnancy. I try to talk about us getting fit together and try to cook healthy meals. However DH is always buying coke, chocolate and pre packaged sandwiches at the shop. I feel like
It’s a losing battle.

I feel awful but it’s starting to affect our sex life. He knows he’s put on weight but isn’t doing anything about it!

OP posts:
Jellybean100 · 01/12/2019 15:17

In same boat here, apart from I’m eating rubbish too (not as much as him) but I’m BF and at the moment so far can get away with it. He keeps saying oh we are so tired, we can focus on being healthy once DC is sleeping better🙈 no suggestions but will watch for reactions 😂

DieHardISaChristmasFilm · 01/12/2019 15:19

How's the sleep deprivation? That won't be helping

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2019 15:19

I certainly won't shoot you because I'd be just as concerned as you are. Aside from being turned off by the weight gain, his health is also a massive worry. If he continues to gain weight like this there will be very serious consequences down the road.

Sadly, you can't control what he eats. All you can do is talk to him and lead by example.

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:20

I’m breastfeeding as well @jellybean100 it certainly burns the calories.

I do feel like a shallow cow for thinking like I do, but I can’t help how I feel. He’s gotten so greedy as well. Huge portions of food, everything covered in full fat mayonnaise. It’s grim.

OP posts:
Stegosaurus1990 · 01/12/2019 15:21

I only said to my DH this morning how common this is, when he commented that a mutual friends husband has gained weight since his wife had the baby.

I think women are more motivated to lose it and may be sleep deprived but are also running around after a child. Whereas dad is sleep deprived but goes back to work and probably indulges more owing to tiredness.

minipie · 01/12/2019 15:22

What’s changed - did he used to do lots of exercise so could burn off the choc and coke but doesn’t have time now? If so maybe see how he could work more exercise in eg cycle to work or something.

Or is he sleep deprived due to toddler waking and reaching for the junk and snacks to keep him going?

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:22

@DieHardISaChristmasFilm I do all the night wakings. If he is sleep deprived it’s because he sits up on his Xbox until all hours, so self inflicted.

@Aquamarine1029 This is what worries me. He’s only 27 as well! So young to be starting to pile on the pounds. I reckon he’s gained at least a stone since DD was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:24

@minipie He used to play football once a week, walk a lot, do push/sit ups in the house. It’s all stopped now though.

Do be fair I have no time for set exercise now either (used to work out several
times a week) However I’m breastfeeding, out with the pram every day and never sit still!

OP posts:
Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:25

He is suffering from depression at the moment so his motivation is low. He gets depressed about his appearance. Keeps saying he’s not skinny anymore, but then reaches for the chocolate!

OP posts:
Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:26

@Stegosaurus1990 I think he’s definitely indulging at work. I always make his tea for
When he comes in from a late shift, but I suspect he’s already eaten at work as well, despite denying he has!

OP posts:
minipie · 01/12/2019 15:28

Is he getting any help with his depression?

Could he go back to eg the football ? Why has he stopped - tricky to fit in, or doesn’t feel like it?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2019 15:31

Of course he's "depressed." He's eating rubbish all day, not exercising, not sleeping properly due to playing video games, and gaining weight like mad. His depression is his own making and I would tell him so.

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2019 15:31

Weight loss/gain is common with depression. Struggling with motivation is one of the symptoms.

How is his depression being managed? That’s the priority here. The weight is likely secondary to that.

MrsFoxPlus4Again · 01/12/2019 15:39

but I suspect he’s already eaten at work as well, despite denying he has!

So he already has depression. He’s feeling pretty low at the moment probably picking up on how you feel about him with the sudden hints and instead of “hey how was your day Iv made xyz for dinner” it’s question time when he comes home which probably makes him feel even worse.

siring1 · 01/12/2019 15:45

"His depression is his own making and I would tell him so."

No wonder male suicides are so high.

Confrontayshunme · 01/12/2019 15:51

His depression is NOT his fault, and men and women can both suffer from higher or lower appetite with depression. Give him a break. He will feel shit enough about himself already. Both I and my DH have gain and lost weight when struggling with mental health. Depression totally saps your energy and motivation, but if he won't get help and medication, you need to treat him like the toddler and frog march him to the GP. Proper meds will give him some perspective and energy so he can get moving again.

OhHellYa · 01/12/2019 15:52

Definitely sounds like depression, and the problem is it's a vicious circle:

  • Staying up on his xbox, ie not wanting to go asleep, but then being exhausted.
  • Eating crap that he knows is making him miserable, but he does it anyway out of 'comfort'
  • Loss of interest in the things he enjoyed before like football.
He needs to go talk to someone, and then together hopefully they'll come up with a plan. Weight is rarely just about food, it's food+sleep+exercise=better mood, better choices etc
managedmis · 01/12/2019 15:53

His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

^^

Grin

Sorry.

managedmis · 01/12/2019 15:55

Can you get him exercising, subtly? Tell him to take the baby for a long stroll in the pram?

AnduinsGirl · 01/12/2019 15:55

His depression is his own making and I would tell him so.
What a horrible, horrible thing to say. Would you have said that to a depressed new mother?

Waffles80 · 01/12/2019 15:57

I couldn’t love someone as shallow and unsympathetic as you sound.

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 01/12/2019 15:57

Just leave him be

Having a baby is a huge deal, and it can help to eat sugar etc when you feel very tired. Short term, then most people figure out that the energy from all that sugar is not your friend

It is harder to make healthy choices when tired, he will probably go back to eating more normal when his clothes don't fit at all

Brimful · 01/12/2019 15:59

His depression is his own making and I would tell him so

You can't actually think that?

WorraLiberty · 01/12/2019 16:05

His depression is his own making and I would tell him so

Good God. It's like mental health awareness campaigns have never happened.

Seriouslyconfused3 · 01/12/2019 16:11

Jesus wept if he was already slim and has only gained a stone it can’t be that bad Hmm

I’m thinking reverse or troll perhaps... if it’s real I feel sorry for him