I’ve had the baby, but my DH has gained the weight. AIBU?

[theorangelibrarian]

I’ll probably get shot for this but here goes.

Since our DD was born 16 months ago my DH has been steadily gaining weight. He isn’t ‘big’ by any standards but he used to be very slim, so the gain is noticeable. He has a distinct belly, the start of moobs and his face is much fuller. His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

Yes he’s my DH and I should (and do) love him anyway BUT I just don’t fancy him at this weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men and grabbing love handles does nothing for me.

Before anyone asks I’m back to the same weight and dress size eight I was pre pregnancy. I try to talk about us getting fit together and try to cook healthy meals. However DH is always buying coke, chocolate and pre packaged sandwiches at the shop. I feel like
It’s a losing battle.

I feel awful but it’s starting to affect our sex life. He knows he’s put on weight but isn’t doing anything about it!

Maybe you should focus on supporting him with his health physical and mental and helping him to get better.

Rather than focusing on whether he's looking sufficiently sexy for you.

All your posts are about what you want and need. Meanwhile your husband is ill.

Both DP and I have gone through weight fluctuations in our relationship, but my finding him attractive isn't purely based on how his body looks. I fancy him when he's carrying a bit extra weight and when he's not, and apparently he feels the same about me. A stone seems like very little to suddenly find someone you apparently love enough to have a child with unattractive. I'd suspect there's a bit more going on in your relationship. People in happy relationships don't generally stop finding their partner attractive because of a small amount of weight gain IME. It's not the same as not being initially attracted to someone. I might not have have initially been attracted to someone a bit overweight, but when you love someone and have been together a while, attraction changes.

But you should worry if he is depressed and be worried about the health implications of that.

1. OP and a couple of other posters gloating about being size 8 post baby sound ridiculous. I am size 8 post baby - do I get a fucking medal?! Grow up. Stop using it as a stick to beat other women with.
2. the poster calling size 8 “fun size” is incorrect and offensive and sounds jealous.
3. I usually always say on these posts that of course it’s normal not to be attracted to someone who gains weight etc, but usually the weight in question is 3-5 stone or something. ONE STONE?!?! One stone and you are writing a post and not able to find him attractive anymore? Shallow!!! Very, very shallow! People’s weight fluctuates over a lifetime.

I’ve admitted it’s not very nice of me, but I don’t find wobbly bellies and man boobs attractive

I wonder what’s folk would have said to “ I’ve admitted it’s not very nice of me, but I don’t find wobbly bellies and saggy boobs attractive”

Am I missing something? What's the difference?

Caroline221

If you think nobody can see you spamming your product all over MN you are wrong. If you think this is a good marketing technique you are wrong. Stop it. It's embarrassing.

This thread has brought out all the crazy weight comparers I see and in a minute someone will no doubt tell us vanity sizing means a size 8 today is the same as a size 12, 30 years ago.

OP I do think it's admirable that you have managed your weight and health so well after having your baby but a competitive attitude isn't going to help your dh. Maybe it would motivate him if he was mentally healthy and needed a challenge, but he is not well and feeling bad about himself already. You need to be supportive and encourage him not to give up on himself and let him know you think he deserves to take care of himself and get well.

Hi OP, I understand where you're coming from. My DH has put on weight since the baby was born 14 months ago. It is due entirely to lack of exercise and too much alcohol (2 or 3 cans 2 or 3 nights a week) and I do find myself sometimes worrying that he will get very overweight and just stay there. His diet is pretty good so I really think it is the big drop in exercise as he drinks as much as ever. He says he is just tired as he gets up with DS at 5.30 3 mornings a week but I don't know if that will get better in time.

I don't have any advice as I'm in the same boat. I love him very much but I would like if he started exercising again.

I feel ya on the Xbox thing! My husband has a playstation and was doing exactly the same and it caused so many rows between us because it just sent his mood through the floor.

Like your husband, he would be awake til all hours playing it, so was exhausted all day. We had chats and conversation til I was blue in the face, one day I said if it continues I would leave him (which now that I write it down sounds ridiculous 😂) but I promise you, once he reduced the time he spent on it he's like a different guy!

Couvade syndrome

Ah he is 27, the age when my thighs and metabolism turned against me!

Bodies change over time, and part of being in a relationship with someone is accepting that they won't always look how they did when you first met.

I'd definitely encourage him to play football more or start running, purely because it will help his mental health. But a change of mindset for you in terms of the way you view his weight would help too - in the grand scheme of things, if someone is a good parent, a good partner to you and someone you love, a little extra weight really shouldn't be an issue.

I find it very interesting that your first concern is his weight and not his mental health. His appearance is taking a battering because he's depressed. Once he (hopefully) gets on top of the depression, he'll probably start taking care of himself again. Do all you can to support him, and don't bloody badger him about his weight. Men can get post partum depression too, and I would be horrified if a man came on here saying the same thing about his wife if she was suffering from it. Give your head a shake and support your husband.

YANBU

You're getting a hard time because weight is such a sensitive topic on MN.

@Aquamarine1029 - what a shameful thing to say.

Yeah but you sound far too tiny at a size 8 after a baby

What the actual fuck have I just read from Eightiesbaby??

That makes no sense whatsoever.

If he exercised more he would feel better, his mental health would improve. He would lose weight and then feel better about himself. This might be the route to getting rid of his depression.

Nothing wrong with being a size 8; what a load of toss.

Uh-huh. The compulsive eaters are out in force, I see. A couple of posters must've eaten all the pies as well as their own brain cells if they think a perfectly healthy size 8 is too tiny. If you're a size 16 then, unless you're exceptionally tall, you're fat. Plain and simple. Yes, fat, too fat.

Also, to the point. OP, YANBU. I totally get you. Physical attraction within a relationship is kind of a big deal. Neither of you are yet old enough to be getting wrinkles, saggy bellies, grey hairs etc so there's no need to worry about something that isn't to come for a very long time yet.

It's not shallow to want to be with someone you're attracted to. You're not wrong for feeling the way you do. I too am repulsed by people with huge protruding guts, wobbly thighs and rolls of fat. Your husband needs to tackle his depression and his weight - or not be surprised when your sex life disappears.

@burnagirl is it really necessary or kind to talk about people’s bodies like that? It’s possible to talk to the OP with dismissing people as fat ‘compulsive eaters’

Yes. Yes it is. It is absolutely necessary to speak honestly about people who spout absolute nonsense.

burnagirl, you're posting absolute nonsense yourself and it makes you sound like a knob. There's just no need for it.

There is. I don't care what you think. OP's husband gained weight, OP is not wrong to not fancy him anymore. Fact.

Size 8 is normal. Fact.

If this offends you, I'm afraid the problem is yours to deal with.

@burnagirl not sure why your description about how repulsed you are by larger bodies is a noble crusade against nonsense but Ok!

I guess I just believe in treating people with compassion, respect and kindness regardless of their body shape. Radical idea, I know!

I quite honestly don't care if you get offended by my revulsion towards fat bodies. You're not my sexual partner, thank god.

I am apparently 'fun size' and 'child size'. Oh well. At least I won't die of a heart attack in my fifties.

burnagirl who’s offended exactly? Merely asking questions. But it does sound like you do have quite complex feelings about food and weight (happy people don’t tend to be so vitriolic and angry about it all) so I hope you manage to make peace with those.

Also it’s perfectly possible to engage in a topic without childish personal insults.

I hate these threads. The OP will always be told they are shallow but I agree. If my partner put on a ton of weight while I might still love him I would find him less attractive and I'd be concerned for his health.

Size 8 is perfectly normal indeed. But I still stand by my belief that people in otherwise healthy and good relationships don't suddenly stop finding their partner attractive due to what sounds like pretty minor weight gain. There's more going on here in terms of dissatisfaction with the relationship, and that's what needs to be addressed I think. Especially if said partner is struggling with depression.