I’ve had the baby, but my DH has gained the weight. AIBU?

[theorangelibrarian]

I’ll probably get shot for this but here goes.

Since our DD was born 16 months ago my DH has been steadily gaining weight. He isn’t ‘big’ by any standards but he used to be very slim, so the gain is noticeable. He has a distinct belly, the start of moobs and his face is much fuller. His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

Yes he’s my DH and I should (and do) love him anyway BUT I just don’t fancy him at this weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men and grabbing love handles does nothing for me.

Before anyone asks I’m back to the same weight and dress size eight I was pre pregnancy. I try to talk about us getting fit together and try to cook healthy meals. However DH is always buying coke, chocolate and pre packaged sandwiches at the shop. I feel like
It’s a losing battle.

I feel awful but it’s starting to affect our sex life. He knows he’s put on weight but isn’t doing anything about it!

Nah. My eating habits are actually perfectly healthy. It's those who spout vitriol towards slim normal people who sound very, very salty indeed... miaoooowww ;)

burnagirl

Do you have children? Being a size 8 doesn’t mean you automatically don’t have any saggy bits!

burnagirl yes you do sound completely relaxed and chilled about the whole thing.

I’m off to have a Mars Bar and spend some time with my partner. Enjoy your evening!

"And a stone is NOT nothing. If I gained a stone I’d be a Dress Size bigger"

Heaven forbid! A stone! Mercy me!!

You sound pretty shallow. DH and I have yo-yo'd with weight over the time we've been together. Right now we could both do with losing some but I'm still massively attracted to him because, amazingly, it's not all about size.

OP, the gaming is probably a way for him to block out for a short blissful time his negative thoughts from his depression.
Maybe if you can help him feel understood and comforted he’ll have less need to play, will sleep better, have some energy, be able to work out and won’t comfort eat as much. Try to validate his feelings without offering solutions: he knows how to lose weight, he’s not stupid.

It’s hard to learn how to listen - really listen - without offering suggestions, and it’s frustrating at times to have a depressed partner when the solutions seem so obvious to the healthy prose (eg diet, exercise, sleep). Try this blog for tips on how to validate: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/pieces-mind/201204/understanding-validation-way-communicate-acceptance%3famp

It’s also hard being the support person. I hope you have support. You sound understandably angry and maybe you could get some counselling to help you support your DH back to his normal healthy self, and maintain your own mental health and relationship too.

@orangelibrian I have exactly the same with my husband, I had a baby 6.5 months ago my husband is around 4 stone heavier now!! And I would say 8 stone heavier in total since we've had children, I'm skinnier now than before we got together, I do all the childcare, finances, school run and general day to day everything, he does 1 night feed a week but she is mostly sleeping through now so he tends not to do one, has layins etc. He is so unfit these days sweats doing everything, gets out of breath walking up hills and playing with the kids it's awful!, after being denied life insurance due to his size he's actually going on a diet now as he's finally realised he's a big bloke

Being a size 8 doesn’t mean you automatically don’t have any saggy bits!

Exactly! I’m an 8 and I definitely have bits that wobble. It’s normal.

I’m 6 months pregnant but have gained very little weight due to sickness. (BMI 21.5)

DH has gained some. He’s still relatively slim but has a definite belly wobble, he’s conscious of it and frequently mentions it but I deny noticing and tell him he’s lovely and just keeping warm for winter ❤️

My sickness meant we stopped cooking/eating together and he indulged in quick easy comfort food. It won’t be forever.

He has feelings about having the baby too, he’s nervous and I think indulging helps. If it were the other way round I’d expect him to cut me some slack (and he would do!)

I think a marriage needs to be accepting of appearance change as long as it doesn’t cause health issues. I wouldn’t dream of saying anything unless DH became significantly overweight.

I know where you're coming from - you're the one who gave birth, but I think you're being a little harsh tbh. A baby is a big change for you both, and I agree that breastfeeding and walking with the baby helps with weight loss - I found the same. Also my husband was disturbed by the baby at night even though I did the night feeds, and he then went to work tired - harder than being with the baby in some ways. It's possible that the baby might be adding to his sleep deprivation - is he sleeping on the sofa to avoid the disturbance from the baby? Personally I think it's normal for you both to be tired for the first year at least. The depression is also fairly common I think for men too? I think it's too early to conclude he's just lazy and greedy. I would second suggestions of adding exercise into his commute in some way if possible - cycling, walking or running even just part of the way if it's too far to do the whole lot that way would really help, and it's automatically added into his day.

h doesnt need constant pushing to fix him or help him lose weight.he needs reasons too.depression is an illness.and fucking trrible one too.
you dont always need healthy meals or ways to lose weight.you dont need people telling you how to get better.you need to feel like your worth something in order to do so.you lose evrery part of yourself with depression and the energy to do anything about it

you fell in love with him.and the whole of him.he hasnt change.his vehicle he moves around in has.i cant beelvie this becomes unsuxy because in looking at him in whatever skin(unless a very biiiiiig gain) and all you see is him.the man you love.
people change for all sorts of reasons.and you still just love them.

What a fascinating thread.

OP, I am sorry your DH is suffering with depression. As PP have said, the gaming is likely to be a way for him to hide from his feelings. It is on the whole even harder for men to talk about this kind of thing than it is for women. I have a (male) friend who is currently very depressed. He is on ADs and has attempted suicide. He struggles to talk about any of it, though I've found he will talk to me when we're doing something else practical. I hope your DH finds a way through this.

So far as your feelings about his weight are concerned: yes, of course it is shallow. But you were attracted to the whole package of your DH, and one major part of his attractiveness has changed. So it's not surprising that you don't feel the same physical attraction towards him. I suppose you have to give it a bit of time and see how things work out.

There are some seriously batshit comments on here ("Fun size" etc).

FWIW, I don't buy all this crap about weights going up and down, metabolism changing, 'baby weight' being impossible to shift, etc. If your weight goes up, it's because you're eating too much and not moving enough (unless you're on medication that causes weight gain, obvs).

I'm 49 and am exactly the same shape and size as I was when I was 19 (5 foot, 7 stone, flat-chested size 6-8). No flabby bits, despite having two babies who were 10lb plus. But if I did start to put weight on, I'd be doing something about it because I'd very soon look and feel like a whale.

All that said, my DH is very decidedly overweight (at least two stone, possibly three). However, he was like that when I fell in love with him, and it's part of his loveliness. In fact, I don't even notice it (except when his stomach gets in the way of my head when I'm giving him a blow job ).

I now wonder if I'd have fancied him if he'd been skinny. Perhaps not so much, as his overweightness is entirely caused by living very well. If he were a skinny teetotal fitness type, I would probably never have even spoken to him.

How long has he been on medication?

What other treatment is he having, talking therapies etc?

Is he managing to work?

Yes you are being shallow, but you can’t change what you do and don’t fancy, but you make sure a partner isn’t effected by it. Even someone super shallow should have their partners health as a priority, not their sexiness at any given time.

Antidepressants can cause increased appetite and weight gain. Or could be a simple side effect of the medication rather than a general can't be arsed attitude.

I think an extra stone on a short man is quite significant. I'm 5'6 and the difference between 10 and 11 stone is huge.

Anyway I think you need to make allowances for the fact that he's depressed. Losing weight is clearly not a priority right now. He does need to want to help himself though and I agree the Xbox needs to go.