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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve had the baby, but my DH has gained the weight. AIBU?

140 replies

theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:14

I’ll probably get shot for this but here goes.

Since our DD was born 16 months ago my DH has been steadily gaining weight. He isn’t ‘big’ by any standards but he used to be very slim, so the gain is noticeable. He has a distinct belly, the start of moobs and his face is much fuller. His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

Yes he’s my DH and I should (and do) love him anyway BUT I just don’t fancy him at this weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men and grabbing love handles does nothing for me.

Before anyone asks I’m back to the same weight and dress size eight I was pre pregnancy. I try to talk about us getting fit together and try to cook healthy meals. However DH is always buying coke, chocolate and pre packaged sandwiches at the shop. I feel like
It’s a losing battle.

I feel awful but it’s starting to affect our sex life. He knows he’s put on weight but isn’t doing anything about it!

OP posts:
BrickTop999 · 01/12/2019 16:38

Tbh - I think I would be depressed married to someone like you

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:39

@EightiesBaby I’m 36 and have yet to succumb to your unavoidable weight gainHmm

OP posts:
recycledbottle · 01/12/2019 16:42

Has your DH said he is not happy with his weight? If he is not happy, once he gets into the correct mind frame he may lose it. If he is happy enough then you might have to try accept it. Is he overweight? Sitting up all night on the x box can't be good for you. He is probably comfort eating. If he can find out why he needs the comfort he can work on that which can lead to weight loss. Their isn't much you can do OP

EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:42

I thought you said you were 28?

nowayhose · 01/12/2019 16:42

Shallow and to be honest, very superficial and selfish too.

NOBODY stays young, fit and attractive forever ! You're supposed to love your partner, not just their body !

If you can't love them a bit fatter, you damn well won't love them older, greyer and wrinkly.

How would you feel if they said they were sorry, but they just don't fancy you anymore because your stretch marks were gross........

Icecreamsoda99 · 01/12/2019 16:42

@theorangelibrarian how would he react if you just took the controller or the lead and hid it? Told him what you had done but explained one more how it is hurting not just him but you as well? I know it's treating him like a child but perhaps he needs that.

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:43

@BrickTop999 someone who doesn’t find fat bellies sexy? Shoot me now!
These threads always go like this though don’t they? I honestly don’t know why there’s such a taboo about people dating to say they don’t fancy their spouses as much when they gain weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men. What you are attracted to is beyond your control. That doesn’t suddenly stop once you’re marriedConfused

OP posts:
QueenOfCatan · 01/12/2019 16:45

My husband is having the same issues, he's quite a bit bigger but it's been 3 years for us. But I'm not eating well or exercising either. We're both signing up to some big physical challenges next year to motivate us to exercise and be healthier (me a 100km walk and him a marathon) which is already helping but I worry about him as his mum has diabetes and my family have a lot of weight/unhealthy related issues too which is worrying me about both of our futures.

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:45

@EightiesBaby my DH is 27. I am 36

@nowayhose I don’t have any stretch marks. Getting grey is unavoidable and is expected. Piling on weight in your twenties is totally avoidable. It’s not the same thing at all!

@Icecreamsoda99 he would go apeshit if I did that. I honestly wouldn’t dare!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2019 16:46

I know it's treating him like a child but perhaps he needs that.

He isn’t a child. He’s a mentally competent adult and suggesting hiding his computer lead is over a line.

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:46

@QueenOfCatan Health is a definite worry. His DF is unhealthy big around the waist. I worry DH will go the same way.

OP posts:
Casander · 01/12/2019 16:47

I can see both sides of this, I'd be concerned about his sleeping, eating habits and general happiness, you do seem worried about his overall health as well as him just looking a bit porky. Could you find time to work out together? Have you ever done a wolf run type thing? Just thinking of a "goal" you could both do and train together that might help motivate him?

dottiedodah · 01/12/2019 16:47

I think sometimes the effect a new baby has on the couple is way underestimated TBH. Mothers seem to be watched for any signs of depression but fathers are often expected to "man up " and "get on with it" without any understanding of the fact his wife is Breastfeeding /busy with babe and so on, and he is possibly feeling a little left out . This will be a factor in comfort eating ,going on X Box as an escape and so on.The fact that he is putting on a lot of weight means he is not feeling great, and he probably realises that you dont find him sexy ATM.Maybe you could arrange a Babysitter and go out and really talk to each other .Perhaps it would help to see if a referral to a professional may help?

Evilspiritgin · 01/12/2019 16:50

Christ it must be bad enough with your partner making snide comments about your weight in the midst of depression but the other people joining in it must be absolutely awful .

I can’t believe op he’s got a diagnosed depression and you are kicking him while he’s down, maybe ask your heath visitor or the gp what you should be doing to help

TDL2016 · 01/12/2019 16:52

It sounds like your partner is going through a rough patch with his depression.

You can’t do more than be supportive. When that fails, it’s time for the serious sit down chat about what needs to change and where things are going wrong (however I wouldn’t suggest just coming out with “I don’t find you sexy anymore because you’ve put weight on”).
When that fails, there’s not a lot more you can do. Only the person with depression can help them self. You can’t force a depressed person to see the light, get out there and be social and start exercising and eating healthily and lose the weight, they have to want to do it. If you aren’t prepared to ride the depression storm which includes the weight gain, the bad habits, the sleepless nights, the lack of desire for anything other than being in that depressed bubble, then it’s going to be a hard slog for you.

I totally understand that you don’t find your partner sexy now they’re a bit larger, but I think that once their depression is under control, they will be able to help them self get back to who they were. However, you have to prepare yourself for this to happen again, as depression isn’t something that goes away, it’s something you have to manage on a daily basis.

joystir59 · 01/12/2019 16:54

I'm 62, my partner is 57 and we are both very slim and watch our weight and work at staying healthy. The current attitude of being very laissez-faire about being overweight or obese is wrong imo.

TriangularRatbag · 01/12/2019 16:55

These threads always go like this though don’t they? I honestly don’t know why there’s such a taboo about people dating to say they don’t fancy their spouses as much when they gain weight.

I do agree with this, TLO. Maybe for some people sexual attraction is all cerebral. But for me, and I suspect more people than want to admit it, it's highly physical. I don't fancy bellies and boobs. And having sex with someone you're not attracted to is pretty soul destroying.

Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 16:57

Get a grip op. People's weight will change throughout their lives. You sound like such a shallow person. I feel sorry for your dh. Why don't you divorce him and go find someone who will live up to your weight standards?

Evilspiritgin · 01/12/2019 16:58

And I wouldn’t have sex with someone who had such an awful attitude to the person they supposedly love while they aren’t well

MissMarpletheMurderer · 01/12/2019 16:59

I've not read the whole thread, I stopped when you mentioned depression. Marriage is for better or worse, if he is battling demons he needs your support not judgements. I'd hate to be married to you.

Scotinthenorth · 01/12/2019 16:59

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PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2019 17:00

I'm 62, my partner is 57 and we are both very slim and watch our weight and work at staying healthy. The current attitude of being very laissez-faire about being overweight or obese is wrong imo.

Presumably neither of you are suffering from clinical depression treated with antidepressants?

Thestrangestthing · 01/12/2019 17:00

The current attitude of being very laissez-faire about being overweight or obese is wrong imo.

I really doubt if he was pretty slim before and he's only gained around a stone, he will be overweight Hmm

Courtney555 · 01/12/2019 17:02

Can you do anything to help him? He's feeling crap, and to then pick up on you finding him less and less attractive, that's not going to help.

What about exercise together? Long walks?

MitziK · 01/12/2019 17:03

DP put on weight whilst on antidepressants, despite hardly ever eating.

He's only short, too. Fortunately, I'm not so fucking shallow still fancy him as much when he's larger as when he's smaller.

You could encourage him to go to the gym, not buy calorifically dense foods that can be grazed upon whilst playing games, make meals/packed lunches that are high in protein and low on carbs, etc, but it boils down to whether he actually feels able to do it, which antidepressants can completely suck out of you just as much as depression can.

The antidepressants are likely to affect his sexual function and, combined with your revulsion at an extra few pounds/loss of muscle mass from being unable to exercise and the lethargy from the medication, it's quite likely that he's feeling quite vulnerable. Men can feel like that, too.

How about getting off his case, saying you still love him and fancy him - yes, you fucking well lie in these circumstances - and say you want him to be healthy and happy and a good way of doing that is eating well and exercising?