Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve had the baby, but my DH has gained the weight. AIBU?

140 replies

theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 15:14

I’ll probably get shot for this but here goes.

Since our DD was born 16 months ago my DH has been steadily gaining weight. He isn’t ‘big’ by any standards but he used to be very slim, so the gain is noticeable. He has a distinct belly, the start of moobs and his face is much fuller. His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

Yes he’s my DH and I should (and do) love him anyway BUT I just don’t fancy him at this weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men and grabbing love handles does nothing for me.

Before anyone asks I’m back to the same weight and dress size eight I was pre pregnancy. I try to talk about us getting fit together and try to cook healthy meals. However DH is always buying coke, chocolate and pre packaged sandwiches at the shop. I feel like
It’s a losing battle.

I feel awful but it’s starting to affect our sex life. He knows he’s put on weight but isn’t doing anything about it!

OP posts:
Auberjean · 01/12/2019 16:15

Me too.

BrickTop999 · 01/12/2019 16:17

OMG -Imagine if a man has posted this- the back lash he would get !!!
Seriously - this is wrong on all levels
No wonder he is depressed
My fella has put on a bit of weight - I love him just the same

Casmama · 01/12/2019 16:17

Both depression and some of the medications used to treat it can cause weight gain. I would focus on being supportive at the moment and think some of the suggestions about getting out walking with the pram are good ones.
As for the comment about the depression being of his own making- please don't believe that or act as if that is true

siring1 · 01/12/2019 16:18

If a man came on here and said his wife was depressed and putting on weight then said it was affecting his sex life I wonder what the reaction would be...

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2019 16:18

I'm also bemused by this, a stone is barely noticeable. And definitely if someone was very slim before hand it's unlikely they would be looking very over weight a stone later.

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:24

Of course his depression isn’t of his own making! Who would choose to be depressed?Confused

He is on ADs and seeking help from his GP, which is good. However up until now he is relying on the meds alone to help. I’ve tried explaining it takes an holistic approach as well but he isn’t listening.

He isn’t sleep deprived through DD. I do all the night wakings. He’s sleep deprived through sitting up on his xbox until all hours. I’ve caught him asleep on the couch twice this week when he should have been watching DD.

I’m not a troll. I’ve admitted it’s not very nice of me, but I don’t find wobbly bellies and man boobs attractiveConfused Am I supposed to force myself to think they are sexy? I said at least a stone which is quite a lot of weight when you’re short (which DH is) I’m sorry but when your clothes no longer fit you have undeniably gained quite a bit of weight.

I’ve tried to get him back into football but he’s not interested. I’m just concerned this spiral of depression and unhealthy habits is going to continue. I don’t know how to help him. It’s no good saying just leave him alone because he’s upset he’s gained weight as well.

OP posts:
EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:28

YABU

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:28

@Bluntness100 A stone is not a small amount of weight, especially when short. If I gained a stone it would be noticeable. If you’re clothes don’t fit you anymore then you’ve gained weight. Actually friends and family have commented to me that he’s gained weight. It is noticeable.

@siring1 Actually I don’t think it would be terrible in reverse either. If a man is attracted to slim women then how is he supposed to not notice if his wife gains weight? No it’s not nice, but physical attraction is not a rational thing. Yes I still love DH but I also miss his slender physique. I can’t help it.

OP posts:
EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:29

Metabolism slows as you get older...a stone is nothing over 16mths.

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:29

@Casmama I’m shocked at the posters saying his depression is his own making. Truly shocked!

OP posts:
Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:30

@EightiesBaby he’s 27!!!!! If he was 50 then fair enough!

OP posts:
EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:31

In my opinion ppl comfort eat to fill a void...what is he not getting that he's replacing with food? Love? Attention? Etc etc...

EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:31

Around your late 20s - early thirties metabolism takes a hard hit...

CinnabarRed · 01/12/2019 16:32

It’s only a stone...

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:32

And a stone is NOT nothing. If I gained a stone I’d be a Dress Size bigger and my clothes wouldn’t fit.

I also said at least a stone. I’m pretty sure it’s actually more but I’m not going to force him into the scales obviously!

OP posts:
EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:32

Yeah but you sound far too tiny at a size 8 after a baby Hmm

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:33

@EightiesBaby are you saying it’s my fault he’s put weight on because he’s not getting enough love and attention?Confused

And sorry, at 27 your metabolism is not slowing down.

OP posts:
EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:33

I wonder if you'll think like this in 5 years time Hmm

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2019 16:34

Focusing on the weight is the wrong tactic. He’s put it on because he’s depressed and on ADs. Not getting pleasure from activities you used to enjoy (ie football) is a classic depression symptom.

I’ve tried explaining it takes an holistic approach as well but he isn’t listening.

What has his gp said to him?

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:34

@EightiesBaby Too tiny at a size 8Grin It is entirely possible to have a baby and keep your pre pregnancy weight. My DM has had two children and is still a size 8.

OP posts:
Icecreamsoda99 · 01/12/2019 16:35

I don’t find wobbly bellies and man boobs attractive. Am I supposed to force myself to think they are sexy?

No but the fact you married him would assume (hopefully) you find other aspects of him attractive rather than just his physical appearance. At the moment he is unwell and a symptom of this unwellness is weight gain. I'd tackle the staying up so late on the xbox first, have an honest discussion about how much you think this isn't helping his mental state, and see what he is willing to try, if it is an addiction maybe you need to take the controller away and hide it from him so he can break the cycle, you could ask him if this would help.

EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:35

Welcome to your 30s. You may not feel all that different, you might not look that much different – but changes are happening in your body bit by bit.
Back at 21, you may well have been able to eat an entire pizza to yourself without budging your jeans, but now, you may have to work just a tiny bit harder to keep your body trim.
Though metabolism changes mainly happen around the age of 40, it can affect a lot of people around 30 - and it’s completely normal.
www.holmesplace.com/en/en/blog/medical/slowing-metabolism-bodies-30s

Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:35

@EightiesBaby why wouldn’t I think like this in five years time?Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
theorangelibrarian · 01/12/2019 16:37

@Icecreamsoda99 we’ve spoken about his xbox addiction until I’m blue in the face. I’ve begged him to come to bed earlier, I’ve been to the GP with him, I try to cook him healthy food and don’t buy unhealthy crap for the house. I don’t know what more I can do?

OP posts:
EightiesBaby · 01/12/2019 16:38

Once you've gone through a bit more life...

Swipe left for the next trending thread