I’ve had the baby, but my DH has gained the weight. AIBU?

[theorangelibrarian]

I’ll probably get shot for this but here goes.

Since our DD was born 16 months ago my DH has been steadily gaining weight. He isn’t ‘big’ by any standards but he used to be very slim, so the gain is noticeable. He has a distinct belly, the start of moobs and his face is much fuller. His pre baby clothes don’t fit him anymore.

Yes he’s my DH and I should (and do) love him anyway BUT I just don’t fancy him at this weight. I’ve always been attracted to slim men and grabbing love handles does nothing for me.

Before anyone asks I’m back to the same weight and dress size eight I was pre pregnancy. I try to talk about us getting fit together and try to cook healthy meals. However DH is always buying coke, chocolate and pre packaged sandwiches at the shop. I feel like
It’s a losing battle.

I feel awful but it’s starting to affect our sex life. He knows he’s put on weight but isn’t doing anything about it!

I'm with you OP. It shouldn't be unusual to be slim and fit after having children, but somehow on here, those of us who get back to a size 8 or 10 after kids are seen as out of the ordinary.
A stone is a lot to gain in just over a year. But there's little else you can do aside from what you're doing already, I suspect. The desire to change his eating and fitness habits needs to come from him.

Weight gain and change in appetite is a symptom of depression, also insomnia and hypersomnia so staying up on the X-Box could be another part of it if he can't sleep. He used to exercise but fatigue is another symptom and he may just not have the energy to do it.

Sorry, I think YABU. It's normal for young men who go into their 20s with slim, boy-ish figures to fill out a bit in their late 20s/30s - my DH was the same. Ultimately, unless you want your DH to go to the gym every night rather than coming home and being around you and his baby, he's not going to have a lot of time for exercise as a new parent. You will both have more leisure time in a few years, but not in the early years of parenthood. I think new parenthood is a time to pull together and support each other. Of course support him to make healthy food choices etc but beyond that changes in weight and even attractiveness are kind of one of those things that are part of having a partner for life. It would be unreasonable to put any pressure on him over this imo, especially as he's depressed (and even otherwise).

Once you've gone through a bit more life...

Bollocks - my mum is late 40s, had 2 kids and is slimmer than she was at 18. It is not normal to pile on the pounds after kids and just "accept" it as some fact of life. In other countries, people get back to their pre-baby weight as a norm. But somehow in the UK size 8 is "too tiny" - I've heard it all now.

Also, it's relatively easy to lose weight as the sahp. I got back to my pre-baby weight v quickly after giving birth due to so much walking round the park with the pram. When I went back to work after 6 months I put on a bit of weight again as I was more sedentary. So although it's great you've lost weight, you say yourself it is due to walking round with the pram, which is something he is obviously not doing at his job.

Poor guy. I think you should try to encourage him to focus on general health, and don’t mention weight. Eg let’s stop having processed foods in the house/make healthier packed lunches without additives.

I understand your point that he’s young to be putting in weight- and that you find him more attractive when slim- but if he’s already suffering from depression, there most probably is a link, either comfort eating/excessive eating because of poor sleep/a reaction to medication.

Your feelings are valid but keep it in perspective and consider how you can help him to be healthy without making his weight an additional issue.

The stark reality here is that eating sugar/fatty/high carb foods on top of depression isn't going to make anyone feel better - food can have a massive effect on mood, and I can understand your frustration OP.

Is it worth reading up on the side effects on the medication he's on? And having a chat, maybe seeing the GP together to see if this is something that a different medication may be able to help with? And any exercise, be it a walk, football, hour at the gym can have a massive improvement on mood. I'd personally have an accident with the X box so he can't sit up on it till all hours too.

You're getting a hard time here OP, when all you're really doing is worrying about your partners health.

His depression is his own making and I would tell him so.

How amazingly oversimplified

Wow. What's with the hard time eightiesbaby ? What ARE you actually on about?

OP, I'm 47 and the same size I was at 27. Don't let eighties doom and gloom report get you down. You're 36 and young and have lots of energetic years ahead. It's not all downhill from here.

Your poor DH. What a bummer for both of you. Depression royally sucks. I went through a very bad year about 9 years ago and it was so hard on everyone. You have my full sympathy. You can't make him better. You can't make him lose weight. It's very depressing for both of you. My DH is like yours, but he's 30 years older and even still, I find it hard being with someone who can't be active or even proactive.

Your problem is the xbox. That's it. If you put it away or got rid of it and he started sleeping regularly in bed and not on the sofa, he'd be a different man. The xbox has to go or you go. Sounds harsh, doesn't it? It's tough love time. That's the only solution to this. You have to play hardball here unfortunately and you have to be a bit of a nagging mother to your infantile DH. With the xbox, I'd draw huge lines in the sand because I guarantee you, if the xbox goes, you'll find his depression will eventually follow it out the door as he breaks that addiction and returns to a normal sleep pattern. Everything else will fall into place. I promise you, focus on the xbox and you'll solve the problem. You will do battle and you will both get hurt doing so, but it will save your marriage and improve everyone's health.

This is married life. We gain, we lose weight its life. Focus on what you still find sexy - his eyes, his hair, his smile, his laugh. Sexual attraction is so much more than weight. You sound a bit obsessed. And a bit ott to be grossed out by full fat mayo

There is always a defensiveness on these threads, it's like some people desperately want to believe that if you marry someone your physical attraction actually transcends the physical. They can start to look like a cross between some form of stinking swamp beast and the Michelin man and you're still supposed to shout cor get em off.

On saying that though I'm still struggling with a stone, because I don't think this is a big weight gain unless he's very short in stature.

if the xbox goes, you'll find his depression will eventually follow it out the door as he breaks that addiction and returns to a normal sleep pattern.

Broken sleep is a symptom of depression. I didn't have an XBox and my sleep pattern was destroyed.

But for me, and I suspect more people than want to admit it, it's highly physical

I completely agree, there are many more people who think like this but they won't come onto threads like this as they'll be told they're mean, shallow, not in love with their spouse, etc.

I would feel differently about my partner if he put lots of weight on and I would expect that he'd feel the same about me if I was bigger. But... we'd still love each other and it wouldn't be grounds for divorce. Sometimes we just want to vent and ask for advice on how to sort it out as we would if it were one of our children who had put weight on.

@ Runningonempty84

That's because you ARE out of the norm !

A size 8 is a 27 inch waist, and that's the same as age 11-12 kids clothing !! You are wearing child size clothing !

Copied from the Independent ''Today's British women are 5ft 5ins tall on average, weigh 11st, have size six feet and dress size 16. Most noticeable, however, is just how much bra sizes has increased - 60 years ago, women were wearing 34B bras on average, whereas today it's 36DD''

Copied from BBC ''The average British woman of this age is 164.5cm (5ft 5in) and has a waist measuring 79.5cm (31.3in), according to the 2012 Health Survey of England. Those figures on the M&S scale would equate to a dress size 14''

No matter which is more realistic, as BOTH agree that as a size 8 you are NOT average, you're more 'fun size' than 'full size', and you actually expect your DH to be the same :(

Weight gain is usually temporary. Parenthood is not
Sorry to say this, but you need to focus on the important things in life
Your DD Your DP is being treated with Anti depressants, some have weight gain as a common side effect

if the xbox goes, you'll find his depression will eventually follow it out the door as he breaks that addiction and returns to a normal sleep pattern. Broken sleep is a symptom of depression. I didn't have an XBox and my sleep pattern was destroyed.

He's not you. You're not him. I'm neither one of you. The three of us strangers have had depression in common, but different stories behind our depression. I haven't gamed since Atari days in the 80s, so like you, my depression was linked to something else, certainly not gaming on an xbox. It was a post-partum psychosis. And yes, my sleep was shit.
I feel certain that his gaming is an enormous contributing factor to his depression. And it's also a case of which came first, the chicken or the egg? Does it matter? Gaming is a very big issue and contributing factor here.

nowayhose, what a patronising post.

Just because the average is x size with y size feet/boobs doesn't mean that there aren't outliers to that size - and that is completely normal. You (general you) would have to be a bit of an idiot to doggedly follow news reports and the 'statistics' in them.

Calling somebody 'fun sized' is just plain rude and you should apologise to the OP.

you're more 'fun size' than 'full size
What the actual fuck?!

*That's because you ARE out of the norm !

A size 8 is a 27 inch waist, and that's the same as age 11-12 kids clothing !! You are wearing child size clothing !

Copied from the Independent ''Today's British women are 5ft 5ins tall on average, weigh 11st, have size six feet and dress size 16. Most noticeable, however, is just how much bra sizes has increased - 60 years ago, women were wearing 34B bras on average, whereas today it's 36DD''

Copied from BBC ''The average British woman of this age is 164.5cm (5ft 5in) and has a waist measuring 79.5cm (31.3in), according to the 2012 Health Survey of England. Those figures on the M&S scale would equate to a dress size 14''

No matter which is more realistic, as BOTH agree that as a size 8 you are NOT average, you're more 'fun size' than 'full size', and you actually expect your DH to be the same sad*

Are you saying we should all be size 14-16? For most people that is overweight - the average person in the UK is overweight, as 67% of the country are. We are in the midst of an obesity crisis, so it is not good to be average in this case.

I have a 24 inch waist and BMI of 21, which is in the healthy range. At size 16 I would be obese. I've been the same size since about 12-13.

I actually cannot believe you are telling a healthy woman she is too small and should aim for an "average", overweight, size.

How deluded do you have to be to think 8 is "child size" because 16 is the new (unhealthy) normal! This is just so bizarre.

@Aquamarine1029

His depression is his own making and I would tell him so.

^What a disgusting, ignorant comment.

I’ve admitted it’s not very nice of me, but I don’t find wobbly bellies and man boobs attractive

I wonder what’s folk would have said to “ I’ve admitted it’s not very nice of me, but I don’t find wobbly bellies and saggy boobs attractive”