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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying for our wedding awkwardness

134 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:39

Dp and I have booked our wedding.

It's in a barn up in Northumberland - no venue fee so we're just paying for food and drink there. Obviously all the extra bits like registrar, flowers, outfits etc.

We're planning on throwing money at food and booze and not bothering much with princessing it.

Shouldn't cost huge amounts but we have a biggish family and costs will still mount up.

Took Mam and Dad to see it yesterday and dad awkwardly brought up money. Dp and i have the cash to pay for it ourselves. We've been together for 11 years!

Dad's suggestion was that we write down everything we spend then him, us and dp's parents can pay 1/3!

I said not a chance! DPs parents haven't mentioned the wedding beyond saying they'll come and we're not expecting a penny from them!

It's awkward because whilst my DP have money they're quite tight and hate spending.

I know that dad wants to contribute something and has said he's had money put away specifically since I was young. ..but it's so cringey. I'm 40 - I'm not telling dp every penny I spend on flowers etc!

I'd much prefer them to say 'we're gifting you £x for the wedding' and leave it at that.

So as not to drip feed, dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him. For this reason I am happy to take some cash but not in the way he wants to do it!

Sorry - long first world problem right there. But what would you do?

OP posts:

FallenSky · 01/12/2019 08:40

Could you ask them to pay for one specific thing, perhaps the flowers or the drinks or even your honeymoon?

hopeishere · 01/12/2019 08:41

Tricky. What happened for your siblings weddings? Can you speak to your mum about it? Or get him to pay for one thing eg wine?

Crankybitch · 01/12/2019 08:42

Can you get him to pay for a specific item - flowers? Wedding cake? Then they can help shop / look at ideas for this and think they are being involved in some of the decisions

Congratulations on your wedding

Bluntness100 · 01/12/2019 08:43

Bit odd, he's no right to put a condition on it that your partners parents also pay, that's their choice. And nothing to do with him.

And yes if he wants to gift money he can, but asking for an itemised bill indicates that he doesn't wish to pay, he just feels he should.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:43

The problem with that @FallenSky is that it'd be "these flowers / drink / are cheaper and just as nice" or why go to xx on honeymoon when Spain is nice?

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/12/2019 08:43

Just make a rough guess at it, underestimating obviously.

roiseandjim · 01/12/2019 08:44

My dad said he'd help me with costs towards the wedding and made me ask him for money every single time. It was horrible. I would of much rather of him said here's X amount that's your lot. He's very well off as well

BlueJava · 01/12/2019 08:44

I think it's gently turn his offer down by saying it's fine, but if he wants to give you a gift for something for your home or towards a honeymoon that would be lovely. I wouldn't want my parents contributing as I think that's outdated, especially as ppl marry older these days. It may also mean he feels he can pass comment "You spent how much on sausages/flowers/whatever?!"

Alternatively if you are having a wedding dress could you scope him down to just contribute/buy that (depending on price). He may like that idea as it's more special and for you.

Yesyesitsme · 01/12/2019 08:44

Can't you roughly estimate what the whole thing will cost you, and you sad can then pay you a third as he would like to?

Yesyesitsme · 01/12/2019 08:45

*your dad

TartanMarbled · 01/12/2019 08:46

I totally get it OP, just try a guestimation, or suggest they pay for one big thing, like the food.

Thehop · 01/12/2019 08:46

“Oh thank you for offering that’s lovely of you. We don’t want to get too caught up on what individual things cost, and just have an overall budget so have a think about what you’d like to contribute and we’ll be very grateful for it. Can’t wait to see it all come together”

We did the same. Lots of food and drink but no money in bits of decorations. My aunts raided their gardens for greenery to decorate, and put fairy lights up for the evening, and I was happy to leave them to it!

Ellmau · 01/12/2019 08:47

If you think there will be micromanaging of any gift you may be better off just paying for it yourself.

Babybel90 · 01/12/2019 08:47

I can’t believe he accepted the inheritance money that was left to his own children, some people have no shame!

At the end just say it cost £x and wait and see if he hands the cash over, I wouldn’t be itemising everything.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:48

None of my siblings are married.

It's more that they're "cheap end of the menu at Whetherspoons" people when actually they could afford much nicer. Me asking for a £200 dress would be met with a raised eyebrow because some dresses are cheaper.

OP posts:

Cyberworrier · 01/12/2019 08:48

How odd of your dad. So you’ve explained that you were planning on paying for it yourselves? And that you didn’t expect money from either set of parents?
We told our families we were paying for it ourselves. My parents then insisted on paying for a meal the day before and for the drinks bill on the day. Husbands family gave us a lump sum, which we used to pay towards our honeymoon.
I think you could go along with the itemised thing, but don’t feel controlled by it when making choices, eg choose what you want still, and be insistent that you are not expecting husbands family to contribute and you are only giving this list to him as he has asked for it. If he says that’s not fair, I think you have to decline his help.
Or you could say- it is all coming to £X thousand, anything that you are happy to contribute would be much appreciated (but not expected).

recycledbottle · 01/12/2019 08:50

Just say no thanks but feel free to give a cash wedding gift if you want. It seems you don't really need it.

flowery · 01/12/2019 08:51

”dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him”

And he let you do that? Wow.

In answer to your actual question, just say you don’t want to start telling everyone everything you spend, but if he’d like to make a contribution that would be lovely, if not that’s absolutely fine and you can afford it yourself so not to worry.

RandomMess · 01/12/2019 08:52

Perhaps just say our budget is £15k, if you wish us £5k towards it that would be lovely but I need it up front I'm not having the stress of discussing how we choose to spend the budget it's time consuming enough as it is.

Soo you not realise the inheritance most probably bypassed him because he is right and controlling with money?

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:54

@flowery he did. It was his sister and none of us expected him to be left out. His is still sat in the bank though - with the rest of his money. Their house was paid off 20 odd years ago, they spend very little...

OP posts:

ElluesPichulobu · 01/12/2019 08:54

just say you will enjoy the celebrations more if it's all your own planning and own funding as you will feel like you are doing something nice to thank all your friends and family for all the love and support over the decades and it wouldn't feel the same if you were needing to negotiate on expenditure or share the costs. (assuming you aren't going to do anything so crass as asking for cash along with the invites)

ShinyGiratina · 01/12/2019 08:54

The good news is that you can do it yourselves anyway. Anything he pays is a bonus... as long as there are no strings attached. Try to see if you can get a buget agreed for a specific thing if he's insisting.

DeathStare · 01/12/2019 08:56

I think his suggestion of splitting it into thirds is rather controlling, though he may not have meant it like that. As you said you can't really demand a third off your DP's parents, plus it means that your budget is limited to three times whatever your dad decides he can spend. It also means that he may well feel like he has the right to have one third input into every decision. I think you need to knock that one on the head.

If the gift of money is likely to come with conditions of that mean it is micro-managed, then is there something you really don't care that much about, or that you were already planning to do very cheaply, that you could ask them to pay for? Cars? Invitations?

Or alternatively is there something where he would have an interest (or expertise) and would care deeply about "getting it right"? Wine?

Or could you ask them if they would pay for something the specific (eg the cake) and ask them what they would like to contribute towards that. Then if the cake (or whatever) you want is more than their budget, then you top the rest up.

MamaGee09 · 01/12/2019 08:56

pay For it yourself and if he still wants to give you money then say to give you it as a wedding gift.

His ideas are just ridiculous, you shouldn’t have to justify every penny you spend on your wedding.

Original poster

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:57

I'm not selling him we. He's lovely, does huge amounts for us and ds. It's just he's weird with money.

We can absolutely pay for the wedding - it'll wipe our savings mind!

OP posts:

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