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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for our wedding awkwardness

134 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:39

Dp and I have booked our wedding.

It's in a barn up in Northumberland - no venue fee so we're just paying for food and drink there. Obviously all the extra bits like registrar, flowers, outfits etc.

We're planning on throwing money at food and booze and not bothering much with princessing it.

Shouldn't cost huge amounts but we have a biggish family and costs will still mount up.

Took Mam and Dad to see it yesterday and dad awkwardly brought up money. Dp and i have the cash to pay for it ourselves. We've been together for 11 years!

Dad's suggestion was that we write down everything we spend then him, us and dp's parents can pay 1/3!

I said not a chance! DPs parents haven't mentioned the wedding beyond saying they'll come and we're not expecting a penny from them!

It's awkward because whilst my DP have money they're quite tight and hate spending.

I know that dad wants to contribute something and has said he's had money put away specifically since I was young. ..but it's so cringey. I'm 40 - I'm not telling dp every penny I spend on flowers etc!

I'd much prefer them to say 'we're gifting you £x for the wedding' and leave it at that.

So as not to drip feed, dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him. For this reason I am happy to take some cash but not in the way he wants to do it!

Sorry - long first world problem right there. But what would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 11:42

His sister was childless and 20 years older than him. He looked at her as a 2nd mother and we as a grandmother (never had a grandmother)

He didn't ask for the inheritance, we offered.

I think I'll grit my teeth and just say we are able to pay but if he'd like to contribute a cheque upfront would be nice Confused

OP posts:
flowery · 01/12/2019 11:49

”He didn't ask for the inheritance, we offered.”

So? He made a fuss about being left out even though it was his children who benefited and then actually accepted the offer of his own children giving up some of their inheritance to him.

plightofthealbatross · 01/12/2019 11:52

You and your siblings may have 'offered' your inheritances to him, but you only did that because he was upset and unreasonably so by the sounds of it. He didn't need the money; he wanted it. He should have pulled himself together immediately and declined rather than taking money off of all of you.

fascinated · 01/12/2019 11:52

Flowery wins!! Please do this OP!

thetideishigh · 01/12/2019 11:53

I knew that my parents would be like yours about costs. I also knew how controlling my DM is and that DF usually gives in to her for an easier life.

We were in our late 30's and quite able to pay for the whole wedding ourselves as we did not plan on any major extravagances (bought my wedding dress all by myself in the January sales Grin ).

Once we had booked a church and venue of our own choosing within our budget, we informed them after Sunday lunch one weekend.

I can still rememeber the phrasing as I'd planned it carefully and rehearsed it in my head.

Having checked that Dad was free on the date (he's a busy man) and with DH2B firmly by my side, I said "we've booked St X's chuch for the ceremony and Z Hotel for the reception. We're happy to pay for it ourselves but if you'd like to make a contribution that would be lovely"

DF was a little suprised and DM was far from happy. It became clear during the planning/preparation stages that she had assumed that she'd have a say in everything.

I think if DM had her way she'd have said "If you're not involving us in choosing things then we're not paying anything !" There was some awkwardness along the way with wanting to know how much things were costing so that they could pay for things in particular but we didn't get sucked in to that and in the end DF sent us a cheque for an amount which was co-incidentally about 1/3 of the total cost.

DM later let slip that it would he wouldn't have wanted anyone to find out that he wasn't paying towards his daughter's wedding.

CurbsideProphet · 01/12/2019 12:00

What a shame he's gone about it in this way. He sounds rather selfish if it's ok for me to say so.
My parents helped pay for our wedding, but in a "we want to give you X amount of money which will hopefully be a help for you". They made it clear it was our wedding and they just wanted to contribute, so we didn't have to use all of our savings.

Shoobydoo123 · 01/12/2019 12:01

Assuming your father wants to pay for his daughter’s wedding in the traditional way, why not just ask him to pay for just that ie the licence fees, notices, registraretc. Tell him you’ll do the reception and DHs family will contribute towards the honeymoon (traditionally the Groom’s responsibility ). The legal bits soon add up and are the non negotiable with published fees that you can’t get cheaper. if its a church wedding the same thing applies.

MulticolourMophead · 01/12/2019 12:04

dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him

Your aunt who left you the money must have had a reason to leave your dad out of the will. And I suspect his attitude towards money might have been the key. I wouldn't take the money from my own children.

And your dad might not have asked, but the huffing and obvious disappointment was a manipulative tactic designed to get you and your siblings to offer the money.

The things he's said about the money for the wedding is, as others have said, not about offering the money but about control, about finding out the costs and trying to push you into something cheaper.

The fairest thing he can do is to give you the money he took from your inheritance, no strings attached.

bobsyourauntie · 01/12/2019 12:06

OP, your dad obviously has the traditional outlook on weddings where the brides parents pay for it or part of it and the grooms parents make a contribution. It is great that he wants to contribute, but clearly you need to make it clear to him that it is without any stipulations at all.

I would say to him that you have already arranged everything, you are not going to list it all down, if he wants to make a contribution then that is great, but DP's parents won't be. He either gives you money on that understanding or not at all.

If he gives you money and then starts to interfere, give it back to him.

FizzyGreenWater · 01/12/2019 12:15

He didn't ask for the inheritance, we offered.

But it's beyond weird that he accepted if he didn't need the money. It's not as if you offering to share it would have changed the fact that he was cut out of the will, so that points to the fact that his real gripe was that he wasn't given the cash.

To have such a strange acquisitive nature to the point you'd take gifted money from your children so you can put it in the bank is WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD.

Don't let him within a country mile of knowing what your wedding finances are or he will turn it into a nightmare.

If he has been saving since you were small (hint: no way has he been actually doing this) then you smile and say, you can contribute exactly what you wish, but we are not going to discuss any overall costs with anyone else.

TellingBone · 01/12/2019 12:18

The nub of this is Dad's attempt to ensure OH's parents contribute.

My response would be to say thanks very much for the offer but as you're not asking OH's parents to pay anything then it wouldn't be fair to ask your own.

If he then continues to want to contribute you can make a decision based on that premise. I'd suggest you pick something you've already booked so can't be changed.

BlouseAndSkirt · 01/12/2019 12:19

Giving him the inheritance money couldn’t compensate for the fact that he wasn’t named in the will though, could it?

But he clearly used the money to fill an emotional gap.

The ridiculous thing is that now that money from his sister could come to you minus a chunk of Inheritance Tax. Which is probably why your aunt did it the way she did it.

BlouseAndSkirt · 01/12/2019 12:20

My sister does not have kids. I would be amazed if she left anything to me rather than to her nephews and nieces.

ruralcat · 01/12/2019 12:25

Just downplay the cost of everything and ask for that amount and top up the rest with the money you have. I'm guessing he's probably similar in age to my Dad and he can be funny about money. Things that he sees as important he'll splash out on whereas other things he'll really hold back to the point you question whether he has money even though you know he does.

Dollymixture22 · 01/12/2019 12:27

Blouse - I don’t have kids. I have willed everything to my sister while her kids are young. I will revisit this once they are adults.

If I thought my sister needed the money at that point I would keep her in the will, but really it would be about leaving something for the next generation. Why simply add to the pit she will leave them?

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 12:30

Thanks for the insights so far. I am taking everything on board. He's not horrid, just weird with money.

He's not rich. Worked in a factory all his life but has always been a saver. Bought a cheap house that increased in value etc so hot lucky. I know roughly how much he has because when they were selling their house they considered keeping theirs (mortgage free for years) on for a while and buying the next outright. I was shocked he had enough to!

OP posts:
euphorbian · 01/12/2019 12:30

His ideas are not ridiculous just common sense. It is because of this behaviour that he can offer some help. You must accept. That is your gift to him. Then give him the costs involved. It is hardly difficult.

If you want some perspective read history books. The decade when he was aged 20 to 30 would make a good starting point.

flowery · 01/12/2019 12:49

”It is because of this behaviour that he can offer some help. You must accept. That is your gift to him.”

Yes it’s because he took money left to his own children that he now has it to offer back with multiple strings attached. Nice.

saraclara · 01/12/2019 12:52

I wanted to help my daughter with wedding costs, but I chose to pay for her dress, gave her small lump sum at Christmas (because I knew she wanted money for the wedding savings account), and when they couldn't afford to run to canapes with the drinks between ceremony and the meal (it was a long gap, and the 'lunch' wasn't until 3:30 so I knew guests would be starving!) I offered to pay for those.

I have no idea what her inlaws did. I know they contributed because my daughter volunteered that casually in a conversation, but it's none of my business how much and what for. And at the outset I had no expectation or opinion on whether they would/should. I could afford to do what I did,and wanted to. That's as far as any parent should take it.

zafferana · 01/12/2019 12:54

Just be honest OP and tell him that if he wants to contribute to the wedding then that would be lovely, but you don't wish to get into arguments about itemised bills. He's welcome to give you a fixed sum that he's comfortable with giving, but as for the rest you and your DP are happy to pick up the tab. How much your wedding costs when you're prepared to pay the whole thing yourselves is nobody else's business and I don't blame you not wanting to get into discussions with someone who is known to be a skinflint who'd take inheritance money from his own DC, rather than suck up the wishes of the deceased.!

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/12/2019 12:55

My sons getting married soon, we just gave him money and have left them too it. Her parents gave some too but I've no idea how much, I do know they are paying for most of it themselves.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2019 12:58

People are all different. You know your dad is a saver who "minds the pennies so the pounds can take care of themselves". He just hasn't thought through how it appears. Old habits die hard etc. You sound like you know his foibles and you love him. Don't get hung up on this.

Just say, nicely,

"Thank you for the offer to contribute, Dad, that's so kind. We can pay for the whole wedding ourselves - we always intended to. We don't want our parents to feel obliged to pay anything. But if you want to make a contribution, that would be lovely. You decide what you want to pay - I don't want to get into receipts and so on, because then I'll feel under pressure from you. I want it to be relaxed."

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2019 13:04

I know everyone is shocked and frothy about the inheritance thing. And I do agree that accepting the money from your DC is ... unusual.

But OP says it was his sister who brought him up, who was like a parent to him. On literally 100s of other inheritance threads, people acknowledge that being left out of a significant person's will - parent or close caring relative - is emotionally very very difficult and confronting. Being passed over in favour of someone else - even your own children - is hurtful. It's not always about being money-grabbing. Sometimes it's about the message it sends.

OP and siblings did a nice thing. And it's not really relevant to this wedding issue, or shouldn't be.

Dollymixture22 · 01/12/2019 13:07

While yes your dad is a saver, there is also something more sinister in his relationship with money. He at the very least allowed and at the worst emotionally blackmailed his children into giving him a share of their inheritance. He didn’t need to money, he was just annoyed he was left out.

Very few parents would have done this. Money for him is control.

Floralnomad · 01/12/2019 13:08

Just pay for it yourself and tell him if he wants to contribute just to decide how much and give you a cheque. When we got married 30 yrs ago , my parents paid for the bulk of it and my inlaws were like your dad , wanting to pay for specific items and then getting to help choose etc . In the end to keep the peace we let them pay for the cake , she came and helped me choose and then I went back with my mum in the afternoon and chose a slightly different , more expensive one and paid the difference . I’m not sure if they noticed in the day and frankly don’t care .