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AIBU?

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Original poster

Paying for our wedding awkwardness

134 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:39

Dp and I have booked our wedding.

It's in a barn up in Northumberland - no venue fee so we're just paying for food and drink there. Obviously all the extra bits like registrar, flowers, outfits etc.

We're planning on throwing money at food and booze and not bothering much with princessing it.

Shouldn't cost huge amounts but we have a biggish family and costs will still mount up.

Took Mam and Dad to see it yesterday and dad awkwardly brought up money. Dp and i have the cash to pay for it ourselves. We've been together for 11 years!

Dad's suggestion was that we write down everything we spend then him, us and dp's parents can pay 1/3!

I said not a chance! DPs parents haven't mentioned the wedding beyond saying they'll come and we're not expecting a penny from them!

It's awkward because whilst my DP have money they're quite tight and hate spending.

I know that dad wants to contribute something and has said he's had money put away specifically since I was young. ..but it's so cringey. I'm 40 - I'm not telling dp every penny I spend on flowers etc!

I'd much prefer them to say 'we're gifting you £x for the wedding' and leave it at that.

So as not to drip feed, dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him. For this reason I am happy to take some cash but not in the way he wants to do it!

Sorry - long first world problem right there. But what would you do?

OP posts:
SapatSea · 01/12/2019 10:30

Idiot that is so sad.

Did your dad pay towards your siblings weddings? If so, I'd ask for a similar contribution. You could tell him a round figure and say whatever you feel upi'd like to contribute would be warmly welcomed and leave it at that. Getting married is stressful enough without more scrunity and interference

janaus50s · 01/12/2019 10:31

Maybe they would like to pay 1/3 of the food amount. Or the drinks. They don’t have to know the other family are not contributing.

Good luck with your wedding

Alrighteo · 01/12/2019 10:31

What is your budget and does he know it? Wedding costs vary enormously... Why does he need to know what the money is going on? He's either paying a third or he's not. I'd leave him out of it. He can give you a cash gift if he so wishes. Couldn't be arsed with being beholden to someone. I'd say don't count your chickens.

Plan your wedding bearing in mind the budget YOU have and which you will pay for in full.
I'd ignore him.
Gifts don't come with conditions. This one isn't a gift. It's a noose around your neck which you could do without.

rwalker · 01/12/2019 10:32

I think just keep it simple say we aren't going to ask you or DP parents for money we estimate the whole wedding will cost xxx £'s and any contribution would be lovely .

Alrighteo · 01/12/2019 10:34

The reason I'm asking whether he knows your current rough budget is because he might be willing to offer 1/3 if total is £3k, not if it's 20k.
I'd say he'd prefer a 3k version, hence requiring the breakdown.
Can't he just offer you 1k i.e. a fixed sum.

whatsinthebagwhatcoulditbe · 01/12/2019 10:35

Don't accept any money. Just tell them you don't need it. They can give you whatever they want as a wedding present but no contribution to the cost of the wedding itself.

Alrighteo · 01/12/2019 10:35

It's also a sly way of finding out how much it's costing (if he's tight, this will matter to him).

This is annoying me now! Lol. #overinvested Grin

TenThousandSpoons · 01/12/2019 10:37

Asking your dad to pay for a specific thing is a good idea. Eg the photographer/photos.

Singlebutmarried · 01/12/2019 10:42

We had a budget for our wedding and ILs offered a sum of money on the proviso they would drip feed the money (ie I pay and present the receipt for verification)

I said thank you for the offer, but it’s either given with no strings or we’d do without.

They’d got their own way with their daughters wedding (down to dates and everything) also tried the same with us, as apparently some relatives that I’d never met and DH hadn’t seen since he was 5 might not be able to make it.

I asked for their address so I could send them a photo afterwards.

Upshot was they gifted the money, we had the date we wanted, and great aunty arabella wasn’t able to make it (she’s never had any plans for that date she told me).

emilybrontescorsett · 01/12/2019 10:42

I think you would be best paying for it yourselves.
If he wanted to dictate any part of my wedding as a condition of contributing then I would say no.
Can you phrase it as 'We have chosen this photographer and this is the one we have booked so it would be lovely if you paid for that'
Tbf he sounds like a nightmare expecting your in-laws to pay especially when you are already living together.

Singlebutmarried · 01/12/2019 10:43

Was not wasn’t.

YouSawThePlans · 01/12/2019 10:45

He's trying to control not only you and your DP, but your DP's parents too. You just need to say that you and DP planned to pay for your wedding yourself but if he wants to give you a gift that would be lovely. Be blatantly clear that accepting that gift doesn't mean you will send over items for approval and you're not demanding DP's parents match your parents' contribution.

I am [shocked] about him taking part of your inheritance. When our aunt died, she left a small inheritance to myself and my siblings but nothing to our parents. They wouldn't have dreamt of throwing a strop about it.

ivykaty44 · 01/12/2019 10:48

I wonder if the inheritance was made with the thought by his sister, that his would be left sitting in the bank so leave him out and leave to his children instead

emilybrontescorsett · 01/12/2019 10:51

Tbf I'm really shocked at his attitude.
You are a grown woman who lives with her partner, not a 17 year old virgin who lives at home and is about to have a church wedding marrying another young person who lives with his parents.
It's your wedding, you already live together, you are not a child. Does he always great you in this condescending manner?

raspberryk · 01/12/2019 10:55

I also agree with offering your parents to pay for one aspect with a fixed cost, photographer, flowers, cake, dress. Make sure you've already chosen the item exactly and have the exact cost and tell them take it or leave it.
My step mum bought the cake and she wanted so much in put and I wasn't that bothered so she basically chose it lol. My grandpa gave us the photography money but it was with a friend of his and if I'd picked the photographer it would have been someone more modern.

IdiotInDisguise · 01/12/2019 11:06

Nah, don’t accept the money and no, don’t ask him to pay for specific things either (that would be fine IF AND ONLY IF he had not demanded for the ILs to match his contribution). I can imagine him pointing out to everyone that he paid for the photos, etc and even asking your ILS what did they pay for.

The rule is, you don’t take money from mean people. They will make you pay for the gesture ten fold.

GetUpAgain · 01/12/2019 11:07

I'd just make a fictional spreadsheet with amounts you know your dad won't stress over. Then spend what you like and can afford yourself anyway. If he gives you a third of the fictional amount, great.

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2019 11:10

Get an invoice or two sent directly to him. Don’t let him control this. Asking you to write everything down, indeed! How pathetic!

Seeingadistance · 01/12/2019 11:19

I’ve never considered that I should inherit anything from my sister! The OP’s father has a really odd and self-centred attitude to money.

OP, you’ve got a few good suggestions here about how to respond to his offer. Whatever you decide, I hope it doesn’t have a negative impact on your relationship with your father. You need to decide what works for you.

Dollymixture22 · 01/12/2019 11:21

What your dad did with his sisters money is selfish and greedy.

In terms of your wedding, it’s not for him to dictate who pays what.

I would firmly explain you are handling the wedding, however if he wants to contribute he could cover (Give a couple of examplE of things you have already decided on). Then present him with the invoices.

If he makes any attempts to reduce the cost, thank him but explain you have already made the decisions. If he persists, say you will pay for the item yourself to avoid any tension.

plightofthealbatross · 01/12/2019 11:30

I can' believe your dad essentially made his own children give him parts of their own inheritances from another relative because he 'felt left out', even though he has plenty of money of his own and his sister surely knew he was fine.

I also can't believe your dad thinks it's okay to try to dictate that your DP's parents stump up just because he feels he has to.

Your dad sounds very grasping, tbh. I can't imagine not wanting to help my children if I were comfortably able to and had even saved up to do so ... which he says he has. You can't take it with you, after all.

I would probably just ask for my inheritance back and ask that he give it back to my siblings as well if he really wanted to 'help'. Wouldn't think much of someone who did this, tbh.

pigsDOfly · 01/12/2019 11:31

Well, it's a suggestion he made that you are at liberty to reject. And in your shoes I would most certainly reject it.

Why not counter his suggestion with suggesting he pay for x, y, and z, tell him how much it will cost and leave it at that.

Not sure why he feels he has the right to make suggestion as to how your future in laws should be spending their money, but that's another matter.

And taking money off his own children from an inheritance left to them? Don't know where to start with that.

For whatever reasons, his sister didn't want him to have her money and you all just went against her wishes and overruled her instructions because he stamped his foot and demanded his share. I wonder how she would have felt about that if she'd known?

He sounds very controlling around money and maybe his sister knew that.

pigsDOfly · 01/12/2019 11:32

X post with plightoftheablatross

Confusedbeetle · 01/12/2019 11:35

Come across this problem too. For me it is perfectly acceptable for a parent to offer a lump sum as a gift to contribute to the wedding. Lovely. What isnt ok is to ask the parents on the other side to contribute, thats just rude. He doesnt need to know the total costs, he just gives you a present thank you very much

flowery · 01/12/2019 11:39

“Tell you what Dad. Rather than messing around writing everything down, why don’t you just transfer me back my inheritance from Auntie Sue, that way I’m paying for it all myself and you haven’t got to worry”