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Original poster

Paying for our wedding awkwardness

134 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:39

Dp and I have booked our wedding.

It's in a barn up in Northumberland - no venue fee so we're just paying for food and drink there. Obviously all the extra bits like registrar, flowers, outfits etc.

We're planning on throwing money at food and booze and not bothering much with princessing it.

Shouldn't cost huge amounts but we have a biggish family and costs will still mount up.

Took Mam and Dad to see it yesterday and dad awkwardly brought up money. Dp and i have the cash to pay for it ourselves. We've been together for 11 years!

Dad's suggestion was that we write down everything we spend then him, us and dp's parents can pay 1/3!

I said not a chance! DPs parents haven't mentioned the wedding beyond saying they'll come and we're not expecting a penny from them!

It's awkward because whilst my DP have money they're quite tight and hate spending.

I know that dad wants to contribute something and has said he's had money put away specifically since I was young. ..but it's so cringey. I'm 40 - I'm not telling dp every penny I spend on flowers etc!

I'd much prefer them to say 'we're gifting you £x for the wedding' and leave it at that.

So as not to drip feed, dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him. For this reason I am happy to take some cash but not in the way he wants to do it!

Sorry - long first world problem right there. But what would you do?

OP posts:
Sofast · 01/12/2019 09:36

Ahh I want to know which barns you got married at! Mine was at High House Farm! Northumberland is the best!

Blibbyblobby · 01/12/2019 09:39

If you are sorting drink yourself, can you make that his contribution and use Majestic wine? They take back unopened stuff, so if you can persuade him to take the initial hit he’d get the joy of getting money back and knowing he didn’t pay for anything that wasn’t used.

We did that (Northumberland wedding as well) and I think we returned a third of the booze! Was great to know on the day we wouldn’t run out even if everyone drank the same thing* without ending up with a load we didn’t need, and was also great to get a load of money back when I return the unwanted stuff!

  • except Malbec. On a hot summer’s day. Did not see that one coming.
GeekNotChic · 01/12/2019 09:42

Does anyone else find it odd that he expected his sister to leave him mine in her will? Was she unmarried and childless?

Odd imo.

flowery · 01/12/2019 09:43

”If he took the inheritance money from his own children, it seems he is a bit short?”

OP has been clear he’s not at all short of money and that her inheritance along with that of her siblings is sitting in her dad’s bank account.

GeekNotChic · 01/12/2019 09:43

Money*

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 09:43

Ours is High House 2! I'm desperate for tips if you're offering 😂 I've been to 2 weddings in my life so I'm clueless

OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 01/12/2019 09:44

I'm totally baffled by the will situation. If I had money to leave that wasn't needed for my children it would definitely go to nieces and nephews and not their parents.

Pay for your own wedding so you can make the day the wedding you want. It sounds like all actions were he gives you money will lead to you cutting back on what you want. Enjoy your day.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 01/12/2019 09:46

My mum offered to give us something towards our wedding (a long time ago, so can't remember the exact amount) but she is similar to your dad - wants champagne on a lemonade budget. She didn't understand, for example, that dh and I would rather all our guests have something sparkling to toast rather than champagne for top table and ultra cheapo fizz for everyone else. She thought bridal party should have steak and everyone else could have a corned beef salad - I'm sure you get the idea. Our intention was that all our guests should feel valued and welcome and therefore they should all be treated equally. We just said thanks but went thanks, we could afford to pay for our wedding and if she wanted to give something, a present for the house would be most welcome.
She waanyybest pleases as it meant she couldn't tell her friends that she'd paid for our wedding, but it meant we had the wedding we wanted and had planned for.

If you already have the money to pay for your wedding, I'd just politely thank him and ask him to spend his money on something else and or give you something towards your honeymoon.

erinaceus · 01/12/2019 09:49

I got around this (although the details were different so my suggestion might be irrelevant) by insisting on paying for things that I really cared about and accepting my parents generously paying for, and attaching strings to, things that I didn't mind so much about.

Is that an option for you? You could say that you appreciate their generosity and allow them to pay for and hence have some say in something(s) that for you the details matter less, IYSWIM.

TheRightHonerable · 01/12/2019 09:52

I would tell him your preference.
When I got married several suggestions were put forward by Both sets of parents about how to pay for it.

We had the cash too so parental contributions were just a bonus really.

I refused to assign specific items or disclose the total cost but said, if they wanted to, they could make a cash donation towards the event. They knew the venue/guest list/ menu...etc so could easily ball park price.

🙈 My dads immediate response was ‘well just let me know what DH’s family put in and I’ll match it’ - to which I replied ‘They said the same thing about you! I’m not telling either of you what the other gives us, you either give what you feel comfortable with or you don’t give anything. I’ll talk no more about it!

In the end we had about £9k of a £25k wedding donated by parents. We did increase the guest list and choose a more expensive alcohol package at their request though so I think it worked both ways.

Also, £5k of that was a 4 week epic honeymoon - so wedding was £20k ish x

Llioed · 01/12/2019 09:52

Ha, I had an inkling that it was High House. No tips as such but enjoy the day. The staff were all lovely to us on the day.
My DH and I were lucky because the sun came out just in time so the photos were perfect.

BlouseAndSkirt · 01/12/2019 09:55

What is your Mum’s view in this?

I think I would just laugh and say “I’m certainly not telling you the cost of my dress hair and make up, you’ll have a heart attack and I’d never forgive myself! Our total budget is about xxxx and we aim to spend xxxx on food. We hadn’t planned to ask either you or the ILs to contribute but if you want to make a gift, that’s really lovely”

bridgetreilly · 01/12/2019 09:59

"Dad, DF and I are paying for the wedding. We don't expect you to cover the bills, but if you want to make a contribution, that would be incredibly kind. You can just give us a cheque for whatever amount you want to donate, but please don't give more than is comfortable for you."

And then never mention it again.

IdiotInDisguise · 01/12/2019 10:00

I know that dad wants to contribute something and has said he's had money put away specifically since I was young.

Make no mistake, this is not about contributing, this is about taking control of your day. Which I find ten times more worrying considering you are an adult who has been with her partner for more than a decade.

What right does he think he has to put some money down and start calling the shots and setting very unreasonable demands for your ILs? Is he out of his mind? Has he always been this controlling? It won’t end well, I can assure you.

What I would say is that given his level of control needs, you need to decline the offer to pay and keep him in the dark: you tell him you cannot accept his wedding contribution, that it is more than enough that he is happy and joining you on the day and stop discussing anything about the wedding with both your parents (unless you want a huge of resentment building up between you and your fiancé)

Brefugee · 01/12/2019 10:01

just keep saying something like "thank you but we have it covered" and that's it. You are a grown up woman, you don't have to report what you spend to anyone. It's also not up to your father to tell your fiancé's parents how to spend their money.

a barn wedding sounds fab!

FizzyGreenWater · 01/12/2019 10:05

Dad's suggestion was that we write down everything we spend then him, us and dp's parents can pay 1/3!

No, no and no.

He may be lovely but he is weird with money, and probably a little more weird actually than you have ever realised (I can't quite believe that about the inheritance!!). If you don't want to fall out, keep him firmly out of the details. As soon as you start telling him what you plan to spend, you'll have raised eyebrows and barbed comments and 'I'm not paying THAT!' I hate to say it but it sounds as if he's already gearing up for that in his rather odd request for you to itemise costs - um no - we are adults, it's our financial business, you don't need to know anything. It sounds like he wants his nose in and that nose is very much in the miser's camp. Don't do this.

'No dad, we aren't involving anyone else in the finances - we are happy to fund this and that is our plan. We certainly don't want a third person involved in deciding what we spend as it's pointless - we will spend on what is important to US and that's the only factor. If you want to give us a cash present, that's entirely up to you, if you want to pay for something directly, let us know what you would gift and we can suggest something.'

His comment on your DP's parents is also totally nuts - and again is a red flag on letting him get involved. He sees this as something The Parents should be intimately involved in and is already laying down the law.

No no no no!

SandraOhshair · 01/12/2019 10:08

Agree with PP that once hes contributed, he'll expect a say in things. Carry on as you are, once wedding done etc tell him the final bill and he he contributes, great and if not, you are no worse off.

amusedbush · 01/12/2019 10:09

I’m gobsmacked that he would take inheritance from his children. What a horrible, greedy attitude.

Honestly I’d just pay for the wedding and tell him nothing. This comes across as controlling and a power play.

Sofast · 01/12/2019 10:12

Ahh lovely, what kind of tips would you like for High House?

hammeringinmyhead · 01/12/2019 10:14

He doesn't really want to contribute, he wants to vet your decisions. As you say, you'll get comments about how you could get lovely roses from the supermarket and wine from Costco.

flouncyfanny · 01/12/2019 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

katewhinesalot · 01/12/2019 10:18

Or just write down roughly everything you spend after you, yourself have chosen things. Then it's up to him if he contributes, and how much- after you've spend it.

FiveFarthings · 01/12/2019 10:20

They sound just like my parents OP! If mine had a choice between a £5 bottle of wine that tastes like vinegar, or a £6 bottle of wine that’s won awards for taste, they’d get the £5 one because it’s cheaper! Even though they’re comfortably off.

My parents wanted to give money towards my wedding so I just asked them for a cheque. Maybe just say you’re undecided on this or that, thank you for the gesture but could I just have the cash and then I can spend it appropriately where I need to

Enjoy your wedding!

IdiotInDisguise · 01/12/2019 10:21

Any contribution can cost you far more than the money donated as it will come with requests for more expensive wine, champagne, food, details and a humongous number of people added to your guest list.

We wanted something small and intimate in a small place that had plenty of significance for us, with close friends and just the immediate family (about 18 people). We ended up with over 130 guests, 70 of them we had not seen in our life, demands for far more expensive drinks and food and a bill that was 15 times what we had planned to spend. Interestingly... MIL’s donation didn’t cover 10% of the costs but She spend all the wedding preparation and the wedding itself complaining about literally everything, we didn’t enjoy our own wedding at all.

20 years later she still complains about how we “ruined the wedding for her”

PullingMySocksUp · 01/12/2019 10:26

I would deliberately misunderstand and say ‘we’ve added it all up and the total is £x. If you’d like to pay a part of that, we’d really appreciate it. I’m not sure what in-laws are doing.’
If he then asks to see precise costs I’d ask, nicely, why.