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Original poster

Paying for our wedding awkwardness

134 replies

PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 08:39

Dp and I have booked our wedding.

It's in a barn up in Northumberland - no venue fee so we're just paying for food and drink there. Obviously all the extra bits like registrar, flowers, outfits etc.

We're planning on throwing money at food and booze and not bothering much with princessing it.

Shouldn't cost huge amounts but we have a biggish family and costs will still mount up.

Took Mam and Dad to see it yesterday and dad awkwardly brought up money. Dp and i have the cash to pay for it ourselves. We've been together for 11 years!

Dad's suggestion was that we write down everything we spend then him, us and dp's parents can pay 1/3!

I said not a chance! DPs parents haven't mentioned the wedding beyond saying they'll come and we're not expecting a penny from them!

It's awkward because whilst my DP have money they're quite tight and hate spending.

I know that dad wants to contribute something and has said he's had money put away specifically since I was young. ..but it's so cringey. I'm 40 - I'm not telling dp every penny I spend on flowers etc!

I'd much prefer them to say 'we're gifting you £x for the wedding' and leave it at that.

So as not to drip feed, dsiblings and I were given a small inheritance from dad's side a few years ago. He wasnt mentioned in the will and was upset about being overlooked (though is not skint by any means) so we regrouped the inheritance and shared it equally to include him. For this reason I am happy to take some cash but not in the way he wants to do it!

Sorry - long first world problem right there. But what would you do?

OP posts:
alwaysthinkingofsleep · 01/12/2019 08:58

Could you fib & day it's all paid for?! Then say if they'd like to make a contribution that would be really kind of them, then leave it at that?

I also got married in a barn in Northumberland with amazing food & free flowing booze...it was wonderful! Enjoy! X

EleanorReally · 01/12/2019 09:02

So calculate the costs, dont give him any paperwork if you like, present it as a done deal, no discussion

dottiedodah · 01/12/2019 09:05

I wonder why he was left out of his parents will? Anyway I would just say "Thanks Dad ,We have pretty much got what we need anyway ,Can you maybe just pay for Cake/Honeymoon/Drinks Whichever ? If he says anything about DP parents, just say we were paying for it ourselves ,and appreciate you chipping in but we have more or less got it covered now

Drum2018 · 01/12/2019 09:05

Just tell him the wedding part is all covered but if he'd like to give something towards the honeymoon it would be appreciated. And you can't tell him where the honey moon is as you are organising it as a surprise for your partner so can't risk telling anyone.

Original poster
PlaymobilPirate · 01/12/2019 09:07

@alwaysthinkingofsleep really? Which one?

I do feel a but 'entitled' aftervthe inheritance thing. I don't like that I feel that way though Blush

OP posts:
flowery · 01/12/2019 09:07

”It was his sister and none of us expected him to be left out. His is still sat in the bank though - with the rest of his money. Their house was paid off 20 odd years ago, they spend very little...”

So he had a strop and then took money given to his kids just so it could sit there in his bank rather than benefiting the people it was given to, only to be handed out later according to his definition of acceptable spending?

That is quite astonishing.

RandomMess · 01/12/2019 09:11

I think your Aunt knew her brother was financially ok and wanted to help her DN. she had a reason for her choices!!!

I would certainly give to my DN before my siblings Confused

OrangeZog · 01/12/2019 09:14

I would tell him the majority of things have already been paid or a deposit put down so he realises what you have chosen is a done deal.

Florencenotflo · 01/12/2019 09:16

You say you don't want to spend much on 'princessing' the venue, so why not ask your parents to pay for that. You cover the rest like you'd planned and you could ask them for £200 for venue decorations maybe? Then if they want to cut it down, it's not money you were expecting anyway. A friend got married in a barn (on a working farm not a wedding venue) we went mad with fairy lights (no candles allowed obviously) but battery operated candles. It looked amazing.

Llioed · 01/12/2019 09:17

I got married at a barn in Northumberland too - venue was free but food and drinks were paid for. It is a working farm and brewery also, so the wedding side of the business wasn’t it’s only income.

With regards to the money side of it, if I was in that position I would pay for it myself, I wouldn’t want any conditions attached to accepting money off parents.

Good luck and enjoy the wedding!

housinghelp101 · 01/12/2019 09:18

Is his contribution conditional on the premise that every party pays a third? My 'd'dad did this (pledged a certain amount on the proviso that dm ((divorced)) paid the same amount) and in hindsight he only offered because he knew dm couldn't do it. Instead of the £10k he ended up giving me his old tv and curtains that he was getting rid of anyway. Nearly twenty years later he still goes on about how he had that money earmarked for me, but dm ruined it for me as she couldn't afford it Hmm

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 01/12/2019 09:19

It's not up to your dad to volunteer how much others give you as a gift. If he decides to gift you some money to pay towards your wedding that's perfectly acceptable. And he alone decides how much he thinks is appropriate to gift his daughter.

My parents gave us 5000 the in-laws gave us 200. Nobody knows what the otherside gave and why should they?

fascinated · 01/12/2019 09:20

Wow! Poor you...

JoanieCash · 01/12/2019 09:21

Bad situation. I think It depends on whether it’s really a gift or if it’ll be held over you. I think if it’s truly a no-strings gift, then spend all money as you wish and then either tell him later what a 1/3 is (if you think he can manage), or Whatever you think reasonable contribution from him. If you think it might be with strings either decline any cash or ask for him to pay for something small and specific where it’s harder to hold over you later.

BlackCatSleeping · 01/12/2019 09:21

I think I'd just be honest with him. Say you are ok paying for the wedding by yourself, but if he'd like to gift you a lump sum of cash, it would be very much appreciated. Leave the amount up to his discretion. If he isn't happy with that, then just leave it.

CAG12 · 01/12/2019 09:23

With my wedding I didnt bring up finances at all. My in-laws contributed and my parents didnt. If theres ridiculous suggestions about tying finances to something then I wouldnt take the money. Id just be really firm with them.

The one thing I found with my wedding planning was that people were so keen to get their opinion across (invited or not). I felt that I did stuff because people would say 'oh you HAVE to have xxxx at a wedding'. If I was to do it again id ignore them (mostly) and be firm with them. Its your day.

MatildaTheCat · 01/12/2019 09:24

He sounds like a tricky customer. I would do as suggested above and say that any contribution would be wonderful but not specify what precisely it would be spent on, just ‘towards the food and drink,’ perhaps.

If he declines or starts saying he will pay for everyone to have budget sausage and mash when you are planning something quite different then I would say that it’s getting a bit difficult which is the last thing you want so not to worry about contributing.

I’ll be honest I don’t think he will be able to help himself. In my experience tight people get worse with age despite having more cash.

stucknoue · 01/12/2019 09:24

Can they buy your dress, and maybe the flowers or the booze? Its tricky when you are older, but you are still his little girl!

Awrite · 01/12/2019 09:26

What would I do? Either acquiesce and show him my spreadsheet (after the fact) or nothing and take any contributions gratefully.

We paid for our own wedding. My parents and mil contributed an equal amount (by chance) but it was more like 10%.

kaldefotter · 01/12/2019 09:28

My first thought was that you decline his offer, because you shouldn’t have to present him with an itemised bill in order to get a gift.

The suggestion that you should ask him to pay for a certain aspect of your wedding was great, but since you say he’d complain about a £200 dress, it sounds like he’d make his thoughts known on anything you spend money on.

Given that, in your shoes, I’d decline to have him contribute financially at all. As you said, you’re 40. You shouldn’t have to be justifying any of your choices to your dad. A true gift comes without conditions. Don’t relinquish any control of your life to your dad. Life’s too short for that nonsense.

Ragwort · 01/12/2019 09:28

I wouldn't want to accept anything if there even the slightest chance that there are any strings attached and at 40 surely you expect to pay for your own wedding?
I've been married twice and at my second (very small) wedding my parents did offer to pay for the meal but I wouldn't have dreamed of accepting.

Just say 'thanks Dad but Fred & I have budgeted for the wedding, we just hope you enjoy the day'.

Snowman123 · 01/12/2019 09:29

I would give him the breakdown and accept a 1/3. I wouldn't mind justifying the expense, but I'm super organised with finances and weird like that. If he mentions the other parents again I would tell him that they aren't in a position to contribute, but that you appreciate his gift.
If his gift is conditional on the 1/3 from the other parents I'd tell him to piss off.

Mattelio · 01/12/2019 09:30

I think in this situation it may be best to either say "dont worry, we'll pay for it ourselves" or to just add it all up and give him a figure you're comfortable asking for whether it adds up to 1/3 or not. Maybe if he kicks up a fuss at the figure you give him you could loop back round to option 1 and just say "dont worry, we'll pay for it ourselves"

Snowman123 · 01/12/2019 09:34

On hindsight, can he actually afford it - which perhaps explains the requirement for a penny pinching breakdown? If he took the inheritance money from his own children, it seems he is a bit short?

JaniceBattersby · 01/12/2019 09:35

Just pay for it all then send him the bill afterwards, itemised if he wants, and then if he wants to pay a third he can, if not then fine. If it’s already paid for then he can hardly start quibbling over what you’ve picked.

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