To be fucked off about my Saturday night

[Quebeth]

I’m just looking for a rant and some solidarity if I’m honest.

My kids are 2 and 5. They are good girls but fucking shite sleepers. Usually DH deals with one at bedtime and I deal with the other. DH is out on a rare night out tonight and the pair of them are taking the utter piss.

The two year old has just gone over. The five year old is having a tantrum (overtired) because she “hates sleeping” so I am lying in bed with her while she rolls around and moans at me.

All over Facebook people are out enjoying their Saturday night. I haven’t even had my tea yet let alone a glass of wine. And when she finally goes to sleep I’ll go and clean the fucking kitchen then go to my bed.

I am so so tired of the drudgery. There is no fun any more. Even when we get babysitters the five year old is always fucking still awake when we get home so we can’t relax and it’s not worth it because we still have to do the bedtime battle after a night out.

I’m about ready for leaving tonight.

Any extended family? Grandparents have the skills

It's really hard. I had (have!) a non sleeper, I learned eventually to not focus on her getting to sleep but just having "quiet time" and trying not to stress out if she was still awake at a stupid time (wasn't always successful)

I was doing it alone as split from Ex when dd was still quite young, but yes perseverance is the key.

I compromised on not insisting she was asleep at a certain time I didn't even mind which bed she was in BUT I did insist once in bed stayed in bed (unless genuinely needed loo)

Where I had it both harder and easier was it was just me so nobody else undermining me, your dh needs to understand short term (and that can mean a week or 2) for long term (a lifetime!) gain he cannot keep wimping out on parenting!

Yes it's this issue now but as your girls age there will be other boundaries you need to enforce and he needs to get comfy with sometimes having to be "the enemy" but quick! That's part of parenting

But it was also harder as many things with single parenting the buck stopped here! No support nobody in real life who truly knew what Dd was like to vent to.

It will pass eventually as phases always do but I appreciate than when you're in the midst of the storm it can very much feel never ending!

Can't you hire people for this sort of thing?
You can't put a price on the difference a good nights sleep makes, it has such a detrimental effect on your life when you miss out on a sleep for a long period of time.
I'm sure it costs an absolute fortune for overnight stays, but how about you look up the options, and either tell your partner to get on board and help you fix it or else you're going to pay for this service from someone else!

I came on to recommend moshi sleep stories! They are an absolute wonder.

My eldest was a great sleeper until we removed her dummy and then she was an absolute horror. She would run around and scream and shout. We did all the things sleep training recommends but when she starting screaming “mummy can you hear me? Why can’t your hear me?” When I was doing the call no eye contact return to bed thing I stopped - it was frightening her and I couldn’t do it.

We got a cheap MP3 player and downloaded stories. That helped a bit. Since then we have progressed through a leap pad with bedtime stories and songs and she now has a wee kindle fire kids and she listens to audible stories. She just can’t cope with silence and needs the sound. I trialled moshi stories with her and while they are effective she isn’t keen as ai suspect she is too old now.

My youngest (2.5) has taken a shine to moshi and we now use it every night on an ancient iPad. I have never paid and just use the free stories but it works within minutes. We do stories (if husband is away 7yo comes in to join us) with her on my knee then I turn on stories. She cuddles in on my knee and I transfer when she is asleep. Occasionally she will ask to go into her cot. It takes minutes now as just the lady saying “snuggle down” gets her all sleepy.

It may not work but it really helped us create a much calmer, gentler environment.

It is so hard. Weve just had first night together in 3 yrs and the 5 yr old is still awake as we get in

We did all the things sleep training recommends but when she starting screaming “mummy can you hear me? Why can’t your hear me?” When I was doing the call no eye contact return to bed thing I stopped - it was frightening her and I couldn’t do it

This is my concern. I think she will be inconsolable.

I have just noticed someone else mention a simple “mummy is tired”. I did do that when I was pregnant with my youngest. I would simply say “mummy is very tired and I need you to be in bed now”. It didn’t always work but we did have the stories and songs by that point so she was more comfortable with being alone.

I do think the thing we forget is that kids don’t always have the words for what they feel so the reasons for coming down are not the true ones. It has taken until now for my very eloquent 7 year old to be able to put words to the emotion of feeling a bit lonely and anxious at bedtime. I think that’s why the stories and songs work.

When I am on my own now typically I eat with the kids even if it’s just a snack and then take a small glass of wine up with me. That sounds awful but if I am not hungry and can sip a wine it feels less like a hardship

Hugs. You need a night out with your friends too once in a while. In fact, sounds like you and your DH should each have one night a week where you just go out and do something - see friends, take a class, exercise, or whatever. You both need a regular break from this, and your DC need to get out of the habit of always having one of you with them until they fall asleep.

No child is frightened by lack of eye contact at bedtime.

That's just an excuse, OP, and why you're fucking around at this time of night trying to get a child to sleep that could have been fast asleep at 7pm............

Quebeth I know plenty of others manage but with my child I felt I was being cruel. She was grabbing my face and clawing at me trying to make me see her. I honestly think she thought she had become invisible. She is sensitive generally and other children may not react like that but mine did and I couldn’t In good conscience keep going.

I hope you have eaten and had a glass of wine by now

OP they won't be kids forever. They'll be teens of say 18 and 15 with moods, spots, boyfriends. At least you have them. We lost our only child, daughter, 22, last year so puts your problems kind of in to perspective. Not having a go. Kids are hard.

Ah yes. You are entirely correct span! My 3 year old was fucking around and I was just lacking a good set of balls. You are quite right. Silly me.

I’m sorry, but you can’t speak for all children. The OP has said there’s a backstory- you have no idea what might frighten her daughter.

You poor thing. Sounds grim. I’ve got teenagers now but I remember it all too well. That feeling that you’ve just not got any more to give. Don’t be too hard on yourself. And ignore the sanctimonious pricks on this thread. So much for supporting other parents.

And of course you’re allowed a night out. Maybe if your DH had to deal with this by himself he’d be more inclined to stick to a plan.

I have a good friend who's a professional nanny. She used to say that you can create a new habit in 3 days if you’re consistent whether it be food, sleep, behaviour. And ime she was right. Consistency is key.

She also said to start any new regime eg sleep training on a Thursday as you’ll be able to get through the Friday knowing that the weekend was coming and by Monday would have broken the back of it. She said many people try to start the new regime on a Monday and then it’s all gone to hell by Wednesday.

Hope they settle down soon.

I read this earlier and was a bit but then I had 3 hours of misery with my 2 kids post-bedtime (one teething and one not well), so came back to say, actually I hear ya!

Just remember everything is a phase (albeit there are some really fucking long phases) - you’ll get that time back again before you know it.

Deux

That's excellent advice.

I'm sorry you're having a bad time of it.

My 3 year old is currently shite at sleeping too.

Dont make jokes about putting them out in the garden though..I did this the other day and one particular colleague seemed to think I was serious. Queue awkward conversation

I hope you don't think I'm trying to teach you to suck eggs (is that the correct expression?!), but I found the only thing that worked with my son was: a) a rigid routine,(yes I know that sounds harsh), b)as much exercise and fresh air as possible each and every day and, c)not holding back at showing that you are the Alpha person in the household (even if your child says they hate you etc). And, if that looked like it was failing, then 'teddy' became unwell and needed to be nursed and taken to bed, thus putting the responsibilty on them to look after ANOther! Keep breathing, you are not alone.

Possibly worth trying weighted blankets feels like theyre falling asleep being hugged so helps with anxiety a lot.

@Skittlesandbeer has it nailed.

You need to be strong and follow through with it. It's that or accept you won't have time to yourself for another 5 years (as DD2 will copy DD1s behaviour). I know what I'd rather have.

You and your daughters have my heartfelt sympathy.
I am a poor sleeper to this day. Can't go to sleep and when I do can't stay asleep. Tried every remedy.
I remember thinking when I was little that it was way more effort than it was worth and wondering why in the world people insisted on it. And do not even get me started on naps.
You very much need a day off. Or at least an afternoon off.
Ask for one for Christmas maybe.

I have a non-sleeper, but DC is a bit older than yours. I just say "read a book then" and generally I don't hear any more although it can be quite late before they fall asleep.
Last time we had the constant getting up I said "then you can get up and sit up with me until I go to bed", then sat and read a book until DC got bored.
I can remember being similar and getting up might after night after night. My dad made me sit up with him and when I dozed off, he woke me up and said I had to stay up until after midnight. I cried to be allowed to go to bed and never did it again.

The rabbit who wants to fall asleep on audible. It’s a god send!