Hidden annoyances of being a single parent.

[OhioOhioOhio]

Taking stuff out of and putting stuff in the attic.

FFS it’s not about women not being able to do those things, alone or otherwise. Mostly it isn’t a practical thing - I CAN do all of it.

It’s the fact that I HAVE to do all of it. cecil’s example is perfect. For most people who get into that situation there is another adult you can call, or wait for to help you out. Someone who it isn’t extra, or a favour. When there is no one that’s hard physically and mentally.

I just want someone else sort out the fucking filing cabinet which has been on my landing for two weeks now. For it not be my job to figure or how to get it downstairs without hurting myself or smashing it through the front door. And there is no one...

Cecilandsnail - an axe!!

You are my kind of gal.

*but the tree? kids bedtime? Gardening? Do we really need to portray married women as exceptionally useless who must rely on their DH to unload a dishwasher or change a lightbulb. FFS it's ridiculous.

Yes, it would be lovely to have help to carry, unload and set a 6ft xmas tree, but some husbands actually work and are not around all the time.*

It's really not about portraying married women as being exceptionally useless. It's about when a single parent, being responsible for absolutely EVERYTHING, ALL of the time- 24 x7 for many of us!
It's having an endless list of additional things to do (like getting the xmas tree from the loft) to add to the already endless list - shopping unpacking cooking every single meal, and clearing up afterwards, every while trying to bath kids and get homework done all at the same time. Every single day without fail. Then the anxiety that the garden is getting out of control, and the car needs washing, new tyres, and an MOT. To put on the next lot of washing or do the ironing first, or answer that email from the boss who wants an urgent reponse. Etc etc etc
It's the relentlessness of the long list of chores that gets one down, coupled with the feelings of being overwealmed and the intense feelings of aloneness; not ever getting a simple show of affection such as a cup of tea in bed, and not getting any Xmas presents or birthday presents (not everyone has extended family) and still having to be the adult giving the child a good time.
These are just a few of the things I can think of immediately- there are many more. It's an accumulation of all the above that is so hard. Someties it is the simple 'hidden' annoyances that is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

Omg. Can't believe I forgot to say that thing about worrying about my children growing up with an abusive dad.

On the positive note people my Ds is 12 and does occasionally make me a cup of tea.

nojustyou let me break it down for you since it seems such a struggle to understand about the Xmas tree:
When I was a single parent:
Buy tree. Get it home. Try and erect it on own. Tree falls down a lot. Needles everywhere. Swearing. Small child whinging.
Now:
Buy tree. Get it home. Wait for a time when dp is there and get him to hold it straight while I tighten the screwy things in the stand. Job done in 5 minutes.
And that's just one small thing. There are lots of others.
Now go away please.

Being a single parent is not what makes bringing a tree in from the car hard. It being a large, awkwardly shaped, heavy item makes it hard. This is the same if you are not a single parent.
SpacePyramid

Physically, no, it's possibly not that hard.

Emotionally and psychologically? Well maybe it is.
And maybe it actually is hard for some too.

Is that hard for you to understand?

And is it hard for you to understand the concept of little things that are individually a small pain in the arse and cumulatively a massive pain in the arse? Things that bring home to you the fact that you are alone in the endeavour of providing a childhood and a home for your children?

Like figuring out when you will have time to take all the kids out to choose the tree, then trying to hold trees up and examine them at the same time to check for bent trunk and massive bare patches. If you had a partner you could do that together like all the other families you see milling around the Christmas tree lot. Then the problem of sticking the tree in its stand single handedly. Yes, first world problem. Yes also - answers what the OP asked.

Buying a car.
You have to find a car you like and see it with child in tow. Young child not so much a problem. Older child...” yes,mum we want this one, I love it...as you try and negotiate a price with a misogistic twat. Easier to walk way( and have to catch the train for a week until you get a good car).

Now I have DH we can apparently “ do a deal” and I get a car there and then.

Not a single parent but most of these make a lot of sense:

-Getting stuff out the loft is a lot easier when you have someone to pass it too, rather than having to chuck it down and hope for the best! And if you have young kids with no-one to supervise, then you're probably trying to do it at speed too!

-Getting a Christmas tree. Most single adults with no kids don't bother with Christmas trees, but a lot of single parents really worry about their kids missing out.

-Shopping. Either you have to take the kids with you, every time, or shop online, which relies on you being super organised and being able to cope with substitutions- and you still have to put everything away with the kids there, so it's harder to stash surprises for Christmas etc.

It doesn't take much thought to work this out if you haven't had an empathy bypass.

We have a plastic tree because it upset my kids so much watching me trying to wrestle the trunk into the tree holder.

I hate it but actually it's bloody hard to do on your own

There is some Olympic leaping happening here for some - how are posters interpreting what are hidden annoyances for a single parent as a dig at a partnered one?!!! Are you reading a different thread? As suggested already, some of you need a hobby.

And as for deeming whether something is genuine or valid? Wow

IfNot
if YOU chose to be one of these women who has to wait for their partner to do anything, it's up to you.

The point is that some of us don't want, and don't have to, wait for another adult to function and deal with basic things.

The point is also that twee version of married life that some posters seem to have, when useless wifey and hubby are available to do most things together - presumably not working more than 4 or 5 hours a day, at most, and none of them ever, but never, working away for any length of time.

When people complain about realistic issues, they have sympathy. When they chose to portray women as useless, they are boring and deserve an eye roll, at least.

Technically, I could wait for DH to be home to fill and empty the dishwasher. Realistically, why the fuck would I do that?

Technically, I could have chores divided by "man" and 'woman" jobs in the house too, but again, why the fuck?

Whining that you can't function without someone to hold your hand ridicules all the people with real problems.

I'd love to see a thread from a MAN moaning that he has to wait for his wife to help him with a christmas tree, he would be abused and ridiculed...

or shop online, which relies on you being super organised and being able to cope with substitutions- and you still have to put everything away with the kids there, so it's harder to stash surprises for Christmas etc.

this for example, HOW is that any different if you are single or married?
People are just describing normal life, which has nothing to do with having a partner or not.

I didn't choose this but here I am I brought my own car this year did a deal on the forecourt. My annoyances start with other people's assumptions the worst being that the abusive ex is a black man because I'm mixed race would they just fuck off with that one or that I chose to be a single mother or that my children have different fathers.

The everyday pet peeves are that I can't have more than one glass of alcohol at a time in case something happens and I need to drive them anywhere

Doing the work of the many and the endless relentlessness of it all

The never getting to switch off always being on can get you down

But I wouldn't swop it for the awful situation we were in before we can sleep easy at night and no one is trying to hurt us

People are always looking at me like I'm crazy when I lift heavy things or whatever, like I should need a man to do it for me. The heaviest thing I've ever Carried was the dead weight of a useless man. Most things feel light in comparison.

If I could have had a wonderful, helpful, considerate, interesting adult man to share the physical, financial and psychological burden of raising a family with that would have been brilliant.

So whenever I feeling like I'm missing out on having a man in my life, I remember that actually I can do a lot more than people would expect. I'd love to have somebody else to get rid of the spiders, or to treat me sometimes even to a cup of tea or to run my bath or something. But all those things used to have strings attached that I would much rather do without. Everything was always one long I.O.U

People who are not single parents who moan about how their husband has been away for the night/ weekend so it was hard work. I get that it’s hard - but consider your audience when moaning about it. Don’t moan to someone who is on their own every night.

Nojustyou

or shop online, which relies on you being super organised and being able to cope with substitutions- and you still have to put everything away with the kids there, so it's harder to stash surprises for Christmas etc.

^this for example, HOW is that any different if you are single or married?
People are just describing normal life, which has nothing to do with having a partner or not.^

Because if you are in a relationship then there is another adult there to look after the kids/put the shopping away because you're just to fucking shattered to do it/ pop to the local shop to pick up whatever was missing without having to drag the DC out. Why is that so hard to understand ffs.

I'd love to see a thread from a MAN moaning that he has to wait for his wife to help him with a christmas tree, he would be abused and ridiculed...

FFS. If a man said I'm single and have a toddler, hard logistically to get tree up and down from the loft, no he wouldn't. If he said it makes me feel a bit shit and alone, no he wouldn't.
In fact, I've seen a single dad at at the school fawned over by people with offers of help in a way that single women are not.

Why come on and attack people? Can't this thread just be a safe space for people to discuss what gets them down without others coming on saying its the same for everyone. It clearly isn't. You sound like you've had an empathy bypass.

Nojustyou Honestly can you not see how being the only one in charge of ordering, picking up and storing of presents (possibly while holding down a normal working hours job) is not a gizilluon times harder if you are the only one doing it!

I suppose the point about shifting the Xmas tree is that if you were a single person without kids, you could just not bother with a tree if it seemed like too much effort and hassle. But as a single parent you feel like you have to make the effort.

Such a long list of large and small difficult things; there are days, when I’m sick or lonely or fed up, where it feels hard that I’m responsible for everyone (much less so now as they’re older, but no-one is responsible for me).

Having to get up at 5:00am to take 11 year old to a field trip and having to carry tall 7 year old to the car as he can’t wake up (he was nearly as tall as me at that age).

No one to share their accomplishments with.

Having to ask people for favours all the time (because most people view single mums as leper’s and don’t want to get too close), or shell out again for bloody expensive tradespeople when that means you and the kids will go without again.

Being surrounded by coupled people who are constantly banging on about their wonderful “hubbies” and being so uncomfortable that you’re struggling that they try to enforce compliance out of you by saying they “know just what it’s like, my husband went on an overnight business trip once”. Then staring pointedly as to explain it’s not the same is “making things more difficult than they really are”.

Notjustyou

Plenty of posters (Selmababies & mathanxiety stood out to me) have explained very well that it isn't just about the practicalities, but is rather the fact that these can bring home somewhat sharply the bigger picture that these 'little' things represent.

Things that bring home to you the fact that you are alone in the endeavour of providing a childhood and a home for your children?

It's this ^ basically. Are you capable of understanding that?

Start your own thread if you need to about incorrect perceptions of marriage, or whatever the fuck your problem is, but stop pissing over this one. Some of us need it.

The point is also that twee version of married life that some posters seem to have, when useless wifey and hubby are available to do most things together - presumably not working more than 4 or 5 hours a day, at most, and none of them ever, but never, working away for any length of time

Are you assuming that because we are single parents we have never been married? That we don’t know what it is to live with someone and share the load? Or even understand that as part of a couple, you still do stuff on your own?

Nojustyou - tasks of married/ I have a partner life are exactly the same as a single parents. However, there are 2 people to share the load, no matter how small the contribution of the other is.

A single parent (not by choice) has no option. As I lay by the toilet heaving my guts up with norovirus, my 6 yr old got bread for the 4 year old for tea - found the biscuit tin, brought my tissues and water and a blanket. I knew I needed to get up but there was not a hope in hell that I could without spewing again.
Once the vomming had stopped, i cleared up the mess from the kids and myself, put the washing on, made tomorrows packed lunches with gloves on, hoovered, went through the post. You see in that scenario, couples have another person to help, being on your own - you do not get the luxury of being ill - the work is still waiting.

I can wire, hammer, drill, clean, lift like a man - but just once it would be nice to have someone else to share the load with, rather than somebody t phoning to say good night to them and ask me when they were going to have a bath!!!!!

You do not want to get it - having been married in what I thought was a good marriage until EX had an affair with a family friend. It was just easier, someone to talk to, not judge me ( which he does now) share the jobs around the house, bills etc. we both worked full time in high end jobs but we shared - now I do everything, he does nothing to contribute to the management of our childrens lives.
It is the never ending responsibility, worry that you are doing it right which no one understands unless you have been there yourself.

DC2 needed major emergency surgery - EX uncontactable as on dirty weekend and had switched phone off, I made the decision- it was mind blowingly lonely, awful and the weight of responsibility was awful. That is what you do not want to understand.

Let’s get something straight about getting stuff in/out the loft. It is a two person job. One person holds the ladder, the other monkey climbs into the hatch. It is only semi boarded so you have to be careful where to tread and then you hand things down or take things up from person number two. That is not factoring in a rampaging toddler or fractious baby. So you don’t need to be married to get into the loft but you do need another adult and while I have been lucky to have kind neighbours, many single mothers do not.