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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hidden annoyances of being a single parent.

294 replies

OhioOhioOhio · 30/11/2019 18:00

Taking stuff out of and putting stuff in the attic.

OP posts:
WhatALearningCurve · 01/12/2019 12:05

I live in a row of terraced houses on a main road and the houses mirrored on the other side. My side of the road is double yellows so I have to park on the other side. There's no feeling quite like when I've put my son to bed and realised I've left a shopping bag with my tea in (or the wine) in my car and because I'm a single parent not being able to just nip out to the car

56Marshmallow · 01/12/2019 12:42

I have a partner so I am lucky in that his wages pay the rent/utility bills. Plus he is there occasionally to talk to about the kids like "guess what happened at school today?"

He actively takes care of the kids for about 5 hours a week at most. If I'm lucky he night make them a sandwich for lunch once a week. He might once a week, load the dishwasher. For the rest of the whole week I am completely on my own. He used to put the bins out but now that job has fallen to me. ALL of the meals, all of the washing (except his - I refuse to do his), all of the cleaning, all organising if Christmas, birthdays, any school paperwork, any trips out, any disability paperwork (2 disabled kids, tonnes of paperwork), all bedtimes (not kidding!), bathtimes, sorting out car, doctors, dentist. I have to do the loft stuff (thankfully my boy steps up to help. He's under 10 and has been helping since the age of 5 while other half years me huffing and puffing struggling to lift stuff down from the loft or carrying shopping bags up to the flat but hears the 5 year old say me struggling and says "can I help Mummy?"). He will offer to help but it's always on his terms and never when convenient to me. If I don't drive it, it won't get done. Fixing lights that have blown, any DIY, all food shopping. All done by me. I work too (not ft because of kids disabilities, 22 hours a week). Never see him in the evenings for anything meaningful. He's too busy "working".

The only real difference it makes to mine and the kids lives is him paying the living costs of the home. I pay for everything else, insurance, TV licence, food, petrol, kids clothes, birthdays, clubs, Christmas, school trips etc.

Still not as bad as being a single parent but, if he wasn't living with us, from a practical point of view neither me or the kids would notice any difference. I always laugh inside when he informs me he'll be home "late". This means "I won't be home by 8 tonight, I might be home at 1am" like it makes any difference to me whether he's home at 8, 9, 10 or 1am as he's never actually "present" and mucking in.

56Marshmallow · 01/12/2019 12:46

Then he gets upset when the kids only want to be with me.

MitziK · 01/12/2019 12:54

Changing the winterweight kingsize duvet cover when you have arthritis and have already made the other beds, done all the housework, shopped, cooked, cleaned, worked and you're knackered, your shoulders hurt and you're such a shortarse that you can't get it to lay flat inside.

BestOption · 01/12/2019 12:55

@spacepyramid

I have NO idea why you’re getting such a hard time on here. What you’re saying is correct. It’s not being a single parent that makes certain things difficult, like bloidy Christmas trees. It’s simply being single

There’s lots that’s more difficult being a single parent as you outlined in your posts, emotionally & physically because you have children, not simply because you’re a single person who would struggle with some things - whether you had children or not (like Christmas trees).

It’s just logical...

TopBitchoftheWitches · 01/12/2019 12:55

Having to do it all. Everything.

JumpiestBat · 01/12/2019 13:01

Moving furniture! When you just need someone to take the other end but there is no one and so you end up inching a feckin wardrobe in increments the full length of house. Getting IKEA flat packs up the stairs nearly finished me.

JumpiestBat · 01/12/2019 13:04

Always being the one to take out dead things the cat brings in/chase the bloody mouse with a teatowel. My X had his failings but at least we took turns.

IndieTara · 01/12/2019 13:08

@SplashingAroundTown I'm on board with all of your post but having a DH does not always mean they choose something lovely for you for Xmas or any other kind of gift giving day.

SplashingAroundTown · 01/12/2019 13:14

@IndieTara Absolutely. But in my head they do 😉

BestOption · 01/12/2019 13:15

@WhatALearningCurve

I live in a row of terraced houses on a main road and the houses mirrored on the other side. My side of the road is double yellows so I have to park on the other side. There's no feeling quite like when I've put my son to bed and realised I've left a shopping bag with my tea in (or the wine) in my car and because I'm a single parent not being able to just nip out to the car

That’s ridiculous, of course you can get something from your car.

If you’re that worried you cannot cross a road safely then you need to do something about that.

If you’re doing something actually dangerous (like going up on the roof) , then tell a friend and make sure they would come around to the house if you didn’t message them
To say you were down safely.

You could also do that for getting a bag out if the car, if you were that paranoid.

Honestly, not being nasty, but you really are being silly about getting a bag out of a car when your child is in bed.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/12/2019 13:28

It's always your turn

Fenellapitstop · 01/12/2019 13:29

Little niggles

  • not having someone clean down the kitchen after you've cooked while you do bedtime
  • no one being interested in how your day was
  • giving you a lie in
  • listening to your stuff you need to download after a shit day, ddog covers this one
  • no one to have a glass of wine with or make you a cup of tea

Big ones

  • last year I got beaten up while at work, called the dcs dad while on the way to hospital, he refused to go to them or take them to get to school. I couldn't physically care for them for 2 weeks and had to send them to family 2 hours away
  • covering all finances
  • loneliness
  • no spontaneity, when we are in that's it
  • tiredness

I have an aupair now to help so I'm never in that position again but it costs space, time and money

Still easier than living with ex!

megletthesecond · 01/12/2019 13:32

Always being bad cop.
Never resting even if I'm ill. Unless I get a general anaesthetic, then I do get a few hours down time. Every few years Hmm.

best I wouldn't be happy about leaving mine asleep in the house either.

CatInTheDaytime · 01/12/2019 13:39

I'm stronger than my ex and he was a lazy arse who never did much in the house - so I laugh in the face of moving furniture, putting up shelves, reaching lightbulbs etc and I don't have an attic!

Also doing endless tasks and dealing with everything was what I did before, just with extra mess caused by ex.

However I do agree with the smaller things like having someone else make you a cup of tea and being able to pop to the shops. However, joy of joys, I am now starting to have these things as my DC are getting old enough to leave for a while and they can make me tea and coffee too. That's the fantastic payback for single motherhood - they get older and it gets easier. I love having older DC. I didn't have to deal with single parenthood with babies/toddlers and I think that must be the toughest.

Alittleprivacyplease · 01/12/2019 13:50

Still not as bad as being a single parent

Wtf! You think having a lazy ass useless twat of a man hanging around is better than being a single parent? You need to raise your standards. Think this thread was meant to be a lightheaded moan about some of the things that can difficult as a single parent (I mentioned being ill) but generally I bloody love being a single parent, in fact I much prefer it and am fed up of the rhetoric that it's somehow awful let alone worse than being in a relationship with a shit man who's a shit dad.

TeachesOfPeaches · 01/12/2019 13:58

To all of the non-single parents on this thread telling us what we can be annoyed about - looking forward to the influx of 'My DH only got me £200 worth of Jo Malone for Xmas, am I right to be pissed off' threads.

CatInTheDaytime · 01/12/2019 14:03

Despite some difficulties, being a single parent is far far better for me than my old life with ex.

Worrying about the DC is probably the main downside for me as they (one in particular) don't have a great relationship with him and get upset about going to his.

WhatALearningCurve · 01/12/2019 14:17

@BestOption thanks for the concern. Fully aware how to cross a road safely. But when my 8 month old is in bed I'm not going to leave the house and walk up the road to wherever I managed to find a parking space that day. 👍🏻.

IfNot · 01/12/2019 14:27

Marshmallow honestly I would rather be single than what you describe. Sorry it's sounds shit. Ltb. Cake

Lobsterquadrille2 · 01/12/2019 14:33

Mine was not receiving a Mother's Day card for the first five years. Very trivial!

Starlight456 · 01/12/2019 14:39

I think what people miss . My life is actually far easier without ex in many ways , my life is not better than life with a reasonable partner, my life is harder than some Lp easier than others.

The majority of Lp on this thread do know what it’s like to have a partner, those in relationships that don’t get it because they haven’t lived it good for you.

Of course we can make our own tea, generally struggle through some jobs but most don’t have that someone to offload , take the strain, share the burden.

This post is not we can’t do it . It’s the little things that bug you in top of anything else. The little just once it would be so much easier if.

We are not deluded enough to think everyone’s partner helps with everything , cooks sometimes , but for most they do contribute and make life easier.

I have an amazing bond with my Ds and love our time together but really have no one to moan about the silly things

mathanxiety · 01/12/2019 20:46

Try having no income
SpacePyramid

Since you seem to be playing one-upmanship here...

...been there, done that.

At least when you have a partner there is a 50-50 chance that one of you will find a job and at least part of your problem will be solved, and you have each other to moan at or to keep your spirits up. When you are a single parent it's all up to you and you keep your anxiety to yourself because you can't burden children with that.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 01/12/2019 23:23

Why is everyone so cross with one poster ??i can’t see why
Revising this thread as start single motherhood in a few weeks

I am mainly concerned as don’t know how to turn the radiators off . And need to arrange childcare but need to see that flight leave ....... and then I will collapse in a heap probably

mokapot · 01/12/2019 23:53

Snow shovelling here in canada
No lie ins
Nipping our for a quick errand