If Your child wanted to board for sixth form and you could afford it, would you let them?

[notnowmaybelater]

We live in the EU outside the UK.

DD was born in the UK, I'm English, DD and has duel citizenship. She hasn't lived in the UK since she was a baby.

DD has been educated in the state system in our non UK country since she was 3. She's currently in the equivalent of year 10 (as in the year before the GCSE equivalents).

She's desperate to go to the UK for 6th form. Staying with family isn't practical (my parents are elderly and live very rurally).

She's eligible for a state boarding school place (parents pay boarding fees of about £10,000 per year, so fairly expensive but far cheaper than a private boarding school).

We can afford this but its not peanuts to us, it's a hefty hit and because there's also be multiple flights per year and other expenses would either mean using savings or cutting out things like family holidays - she's not an only child so cutting holidays would be rather unfair...)

She's currently very, very keen on the idea. She's only been away from home on school trips of maximum 10 days up to now.

There are perfectly good options (equivalent of a grammar school sixth form and a sixth form college) locally to where we live, but she wants to live in the UK...

Would you let your DD board overseas in this situation (1.5 hours flight away). Moving with her isn't an option - two younger children in local schools, work etc.

She'll be only just 16 when she starts sixth form.

Should have clarified

YANBU - yes, let her

YABU - no, bad idea

I would but I'd miss them so much. Some children really enjoy the experience and at 6th form age, they can make this decision.

I wouldn’t because I think the fantasy and the reality are different and you’ve got good alternative state options. It’s still quite young, especially if she hasn’t been away from home before.

So it would be a no from me IIWY. Why is she so keen?

I'd say no as it will negatively impact your other children.
How about she goes to uni. in the UK?

There are perfectly good options (equivalent of a grammar school sixth form and a sixth form college) locally to where we live, but she wants to live in the UK...

Why?

I can't give an opinion without understanding WHY she wants to do sixth form in UK? Is it about range of subjects? Opportunities? Does she see herself going to UK uni?

Why are her reasons for wanting to go to the uk?
Is she close with the family you still have here?

I'd probably encourage her to finish school in your country then go to the uk for uni.

What does she want to do for university? If she’s planning to attend here then wouldn't living in England for ... is it still three years, (someone else will know) and qualifying for home fees as an undergraduate be a considerable saving? (I’m not up to date on this, though.)

Remembering just how desperately strongly one can feel at 15/16 I’d be loath to dash her hopes if it’s at all possible’ to grant them.

You do say currently very, very keen though. Only you can know whether this is a settled, well thought out desire or just a passing fancy.

I boarded at this age and I think it worked well as I had a lot of responsibility for myself and not seeing my parents daily meant i didn't clash with them and got on with them so much better in the holidays. I wasn't easily able to go home though so my life at school was very remote from them and they had no control/influence over me or what I did. School were pretty relaxed so long as we were in by curfew and had given notice if we were away for the night. A few years ago mind.....

Waterandlemonjuice she's keen mainly because she wants to be English I think - in some ways it's a teen identity thing. She's a duel citizen and bilingual but she wants to pick her tribe in s way I think, and she prefers the English language.

She has a really good friendship group but feels different.

I remember feeling similar at her age even though I didn't live abroad tbh - my parents moved to quite an insular village and we had the wrong accent and didn't really fit in, weren't really accepted. I asked to go to boarding school too and did but only weekly boarding an hour's drive away, which really isn't the same thing! Ironically DD absolutely has the local accent here and does fit in, but she feels different because she's English (in her mind and on one of her passports) even if people only know if she tells them...

All teens feel a bit like this though I think, and as you say the fantasy of finding her place in the world might not work out!

DH thinks she's too young. I want to support her making her own decision and empathise with her wish to try something new because I was just the same at her age... I left home the moment I finished my A levels and kept moving basically, until we landed where we live now... Ironically I thought we had roots here, but I understand DD not feeling the same.

I can't say if either of you are reasonable/unreasonable just from what you have said.

From DD's point of view: How much detail has she thought through? Does she know all about the courses on offer in the 6th form (A levels or IB?) and what choices she would have to make? Would having studied in a different language and different curriculum for her school career so far reduce her 6th form choices or make it difficult to switch? Has she ever done any academic work in English? Does she want to go to university in the UK, or somewhere else English-speaking, or back in the country where you live now? Would your current home country accept A-levels/IB as entrance qualifications for all subjects at university? There are lots of things like this to consider. Would it make more sense for her to think about waiting another couple of years then taking a year out in the UK or coming to university here? (I know teenagers are always in a hurry to do things immediately, but sometimes they need to learn to wait...)

From your point of view: if your younger DC wanted to follow the same route, would you be able to afford to let them? If DD would be using up all your spare cash so that her younger siblings would not have the same choices, then it is not really fair. If she has not spent time away from home before, how well do you think she would cope with being plunged into a very different social and education system without you there to support her?

My position: DD (my DC2) chose to go to boarding school in another country for the 6th form, and I allowed her to go. However, she did a huge amount of research about her choices, the education is in English and at a well-regarded group of schools, she will still be eligible for UK university entrance, and her older sibling has already finished education (and would not have been interested in the boarding option).

I boarded abroad at that age and absolutely loved it. If she’s adamant she wants to do it, you should consider the finances.

You could also look at the independent sector as there might be bursaries available.

OP, in which case I think she needs to wait and maybe go to university in the Uk. Many teenagers feel that to an extent and it’s up to us (IMO) to help them but not necessarily give them what they think will ‘fix’ it. Because as we know, that’s not always the case. Good luck!

WorraLiberty I hope I've just answered that in my long rambling post above, but it's partly an identity thing and partly a sort of Anglophile interest in and affection for the country typical, I'm aware, of someone who's never lived there!

We do also live (somewhat accidentally but atm inescapably) in a very rural location - I never meant to live rurally with teens and understand that this in itself is probably a reason for restlessness at age 14 and a longing to live elsewhere!

I worry a bit that she'll want a moped at 15 (legal here) which is more scary than her going away to boarding school... Obviously we can say no, but there's very little public transport and I will understand the resentment!

She has plenty of time to travel/live in the UK once she's older and can fund it herself.

Given everything you've said about finances and flights etc, I wouldn't do it OP.

Plus you have other children to consider.

gk6277 no she'd do international baccalaureate and come back here for university.

It's about adventure and actually living in the UK and speaking English all day, and having friends who speak English.

She likes the idea of boarding school and having her friends around in the evening.

Can you compromise and find a way for her to spend a summer in the UK?

I think she would benefit more long term if you put the money you would have spent on boarding into an account for her.

One of my former pupuls went to Drama school at 16. He lives with a host family which is much cheaper than a boarding school. Would something like this be an option?

Can you see yourself been able to give all your children the same opportunity if they so wish.
What happens after she finishes to fund further education for all the children if they choose that route? Will her choice financially impact on that?

glitterysocks no she's not especially close to family in the UK. She talks to my parents on the phone if they call or I call them but doesn't call them herself, and has no clise relationship with cousins (not many of them and very different ages/ interests/ personalities).

University in the UK would not be a pragmatic choice as university here is free and fees plus living in the UK would cost around 3 times more than 6th form boarding fees in total.

I do have sympathy with your DD. I lived in a foreign country as a teenager. I found it very difficult to adjust when I returned to my home country at university age. If she wants to improve her feeling of belonging in the UK, having English friends, then I think it would be good for you to find ways to foster that.

It's about adventure and actually living in the UK and speaking English all day, and having friends who speak English.

Again, when she's old enough to fund it herself.

Your OP makes it sound like a nice to have, rather than a need to do. So yes if I could afford it for all 3 and if it wouldn't be a stretch and I thought the school was a good fit. No if it meant a significant lifestyle change for everyone else in the family or unequal opportunity for the others.