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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is not normal behaviour for a 9 year old?

127 replies

Yolo89 · 28/11/2019 17:31

I just picked DD up to take to a class and she is very tired from a trip to the hospital for DS last night. So tired and emotional. I didnt have as many snacks for her as usual and she wanted me to go the shop. But I had 4 other children in tow so said no. I must tell you that she still had food left - apple etc but she did not want it yet was saying she was starving. I held my ground but she yelled at me and kicked me multiple times.

Every time I take her and her friends to an after school activity, she has a meltdown like this. It is usually about not wanting to go to the activity but it always is very stressful for me.

I ended up in tears today. All the other children just walk but never my DD. If another mum walks her, obviously she is fine but never with me.

Family life is tough at the moment as DH has issues with depression and alcohol and I feel this is greatly affecting my DD. She said today 'I want to die'. I have never heard this before and I am greatly concerned.

I feel like this is very far from normal behaviour and am very worried. What should I do?

I

OP posts:
OrangeZog · 28/11/2019 17:34

Tiredness, overstimulation from a busy day, and hunger can often be the reason behind lots of unwanted behaviour and tears. I suspect an apple wasn’t filling or tasty enough and once the upset began she couldn’t stop. It sounds like things are tough for her at home as well. How are things generally at school?

TeenPlusTwenties · 28/11/2019 17:35

Cut out the after school activities and use some of the time to give her one on one TLC?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 28/11/2019 17:35

“I want to die” is not normal but it also isn’t uncommon phrase for children to say, however you have to think of the context and behaviour she’s said it with.

You need to have a chat to see if she has suicidal thoughts or if it’s just her lashing out verbally.

Summercamping · 28/11/2019 17:37

Your daughter sounds a little bit like my 9 year old. He tends to be a bit anxious and emotional and anything out of the ordinary set off a tantrum, even things he wanted to do.

I found mild oppositional defiant disorder described him to a tee, if you Google it you might find it fits your daughter too.

With her saying she wants to die though, I would contact a child psychologist or play therapist and ask for advice over the phone, I found this very helpful. My son used to say things like that, it's such a worry. But he is much better now.

slipperywhensparticus · 28/11/2019 17:38

I know everyone is going to be reasonable about this but dont you ever feel like saying pack it the hell in your acting the brat and you should be ashamed?

At nine I would expect many children to be able to self regulate enough not to lash out due to "insufficient snacks"

If it persists I would put sanctions in for it because if you can regulate for other parents you can regulate for your own

Wolfiefan · 28/11/2019 17:41

DH needs to stop drinking and get help for depression. That’ll help for a start.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/11/2019 17:41

No it is not normal behaviour. Unfortunately Mam is usually on the receiving end when they lash out.
Leave the activity if possible, ask her when she is calm and relaxed.
I find DD shares her fears at bed time.
She sounds like she is in emotional pain.
See your GP it might be a neuro problem it can show later in girls, it mIght be emotional issue. I think you need to see a professional.

icannotremember · 28/11/2019 17:43

as DH has issues with depression and alcohol and I feel this is greatly affecting my DD

I think you're probably right and should seek some support for this. GP is a good starting point.

ViciousJackdaw · 28/11/2019 17:43

dont you ever feel like saying pack it the hell in your acting the brat and you should be ashamed?

I suspect OP has asked her to pack it in time and time again but to no avail, which is why she's asking for help now. Sounds like it's more than 'brattery' happening here.

adaline · 28/11/2019 17:48

She sounds tired and overwhelmed. Does she need to go to all these activities or can she just come home and chill?

Some children cope much better with that kind of thing than others do. I was a child who hated forced activities, being in large groups and "team" activities and even as an adult I find it quite overwhelming and stressful. However I now know how to deal with it and have the ability to refuse or to take myself off early if I find it getting too much. Nine year olds often don't have that option.

When I was overwhelmed I often kicked out at my mum and had some pretty awful meltdowns/tantrums way beyond a "normal" age. I've since been diagnosed with GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) and Asperger-like tendencies.

Have you spoken to your GP? Flowers

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/11/2019 17:51

Give her some control over her evenings. Drop classes. Let her rest. What does she want to do with her spare time?

Are you able to increase meaningful 1.2.1 time together? Even just going for a walk together or a swim can help.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/11/2019 17:51

dont you ever feel like saying pack it the hell in your acting the brat and you should be ashamed?
What. The child exhausted emotional her father is depressed and has issues with alcohol.
She is part of a big group of DC not sure if they're all yours OP.
You have to find out what's troubling this little person not tell tell she should be ashamed.
Has she always hit. My DC are SEN I punish DS when he calms down for hitting. He doesn't hit me now, he really wants to so he smacks himself hard. 😥

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/11/2019 17:56

Sounds like she was hangry.
The home life will be affecting her, but she also sounds over scheduled to me. I would cut back on after school activities and spend more time at home with her one on one.
She may also be thinking she only gets attention from you if she is distressed given the example of her father. Children have strange logic some times.

Goldenchildsmum · 28/11/2019 17:57

Cut out the after school activities and use some of the time to give her one on one TLC?

This

TooManyGlasses · 28/11/2019 17:57

I agree with everything OrangeZog said.

Plus, my daughter (similar age) started saying she wanted to die/“You’d be happier if I was dead!” at around the same time that my husband started saying things in a similar vein (eg “You lot will never rest till I’m in my grave!” “You’ll be the death of me,” “This’ll all be just the same shit till I die”). Once I finally got him to get a grip on himself and stop saying these things, at least in front of the kids (and once he got happier in himself) she gradually stopped saying it. Her temper has also calmed down since his has.

Has your husband been saying/acting similarly? Kids copy their parents to an alarming degree.

Is he getting enough help? Could he live somewhere else for a while until he recovers? Once your home life calms down I think your daughter will as well.

And at bedtime, have at least ten minutes cuddling in bed with her on her own in the dark. Ask about her day and let her know she can always come to you if she’s upset about anything. I said that to my DD the other night when she had been incredibly rude, and she suddenly burst into tears and told me something that had happened at school that I hadn’t even guessed at.

Original poster
Yolo89 · 28/11/2019 17:58

Thanks for your replies.

DH is getting help for alcohol and depression but it has caused some awful nights. It is the fights between us I just want to state. He does nothing to the DC. It is just when he drinks, he is not in a good state for anyone. Anyway we are working on this.

As for DD, I will look up the disorders you have mentioned.

I do think she is in pain. It is more than brattery. It is just that she doesn't just do this when she is tired and no snacks. It happens all the time. The yelling at me has intensified, I feel as a direct result as to what is going on in the house. Which makes me so sad and is what I am trying very hard to stop with help. I am going to speak to a psychologist as I just find her behaviour quite severe. She got in trouble at school today. School she does not normally have a problem with so will be interested to know what went on.

I just feel very overwhelmed with this behaviour and want to fix it before it worsens.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/11/2019 18:03

Working on it?
He needs to stop drinking or leave.
Now.
They will know you’re fighting. They will here. They will be upset.
And you wonder why she’s acting up?

adaline · 28/11/2019 18:04

Do you think it might be a good idea if your DH moved out for a while? Is there a family member or friend he could stay with?

It can't be good for your DC to be around either of you while you argue, and if your husband gets temperamental when he drinks, she probably feels "safer" taking it out on you.

Emeraldshamrock · 28/11/2019 18:05

Ask about her day and let her know she can always come to you if she’s upset about anything. I said that to my DD the other night when she had been incredibly rude, and she suddenly burst into tears and told me something that had happened at school that I hadn’t even guessed at
This.
There is something bothering her, she may be hangry though with the other stuff going on at home, every action causes a reaction, we forget DC are emotional sponges.
A psychologist visited the school for a talk, he explained when the parents argue nit pick then make up by apologising, we often forget to reassure the DC it was a tiff.
A simple explanation DM and Dad had a disagreement but we're ok now. Hope your okay too.

TheFormidableMrsC · 28/11/2019 18:07

My DS is like this and has ASD and is on the pathway for ADHD diagnosis. Very very similar behaviour and wanting to die. Fortunately I have a lot of support from school and have done a lot of courses to help me support him. This is not as easy at home though and I am a single mum. He is currently recovering from a post school meltdown in another room. It’s exhausting.

GoodDogBellaBoo · 28/11/2019 18:09

She only yells at you because you are the only one in the world she feels she can trust 100%. So be honest with her always, no lies. Make sure to tell her she can tell you anything, and you won’t get mad. Tell her honestly that you feel the same way sometimes but you will get through. It sounds like she is overwhelmed (and you too), poor both of you. Flowers

GoodDogBellaBoo · 28/11/2019 18:11

Please pick your fights with her, and ask her what she actually want. Doesn’t sound like she has the energy for activities right now.

Alittleprivacyplease · 28/11/2019 18:17

I don't think there's any doubt what's causing this. She's copying your dh shouting at you. Doesn't matter that he's not shouting AT her, he's shouting in her home, her home which should be her safe place has become a hostile environment. Your dh needs to move out until he's sorted himself out, that would be non negotiable for me. Exposure to this behaviour could cause her untold damage, it's already affecting your relationship with her. And yes, I'd stop the activities and just spend time with her.

fernandoanddenise · 28/11/2019 18:17

This is brutal but here goes: this is ALL about you and you DH. Home has become unsafe and this is a child with no emotional safety net. Not deliberate of course but because of your DH’s current issues you (and your DH) are not emotionally available and she is not secure. It’s not her, it’s you.

JemimaPuddleCat · 28/11/2019 18:21

What was your DS at hospital for? She was probably pretty worried, no?

What 'help' is your husband getting for his alcoholism?