OP, another PP has suggested you speak to the school. I think this is a very good idea.
My DS’s father is an alcoholic. DS has not lived with him since we left when he was 6 but he had contact with his dad while he was drinking. I had no idea the extent of it because it was well hidden from me.
DS has had problems with anxiety fro the last few years and he’s had other behavioural issues as well, behaviours that are completely out of character for him.
The school were made aware of the situation and they were great. They gave him a named adult who he could talk to whenever he needed to. There’s also an organisation called Aquarius who worked with him for a while. If you tell school what’s going on they’ll have access to far more support services than you do on your own.
You really need to get a handle on this before it really becomes an issue, because if she starts playing up at school sooner or later SS will land on your doorstep. FWIW I think that would be a beneficial thing, but I know it’s a scary prospect.
To be perfectly honest you don’t really seem very involved in your DH’s treatment. I know it can be difficult if he won’t tell you or let you come along, but while you don’t know what’s happening you don’t know if he’s really doing what he says he is, or if he’s putting in the effort he’d have you believe. I’d very strongly suggest that you tell him he has to be very honest with you and let you participate in his treatment, and if he doesn’t then I’m afraid that tells you he isn’t doing what he says he is.
You need to see his plan for cutting down; you need to tell him he’s not to drink outside the house; and you need to make sure he sticks to the plan. Be in charge of how much alcohol enters your house and only have in what he’s allowed on his plan. Again, if he doesn’t go along with any of these things then he’s not as committed to giving up as he says.
Have you downloaded the Drink Aware app. You can log each drink he has and it will tell you how many units he’s consumed.
I’m going to be brutal here OP, having an alcoholic parent will massively fuck up your kids. It’s all well and good saying you need to support him but all the time you’re doing that your kids are suffering, and the longer the suffering goes on, the deeper the damage goes. The other thing is that once your DD hits secondary school it’ll be much harder to get the support she needs, and the opportunities for her to get into trouble will massively increase. I understand you want to support your DH but it will come at a price, especially if he’s not honest with you and you don’t know if he’s sticking to his plan or not. You need to consider carefully where your priorities lie, because there will come a point if there hasn’t already where you can’t adiquately support both them and your DH. It’s harsh OP but I’m afraid it’s true. Please don’t be fooled that because you can just about cope your kids can, because you won’t see the damage happening to them, especially while you’re trying to limit the damage to yourself.
I wish you luck and strength OP, because I know how hard it is to be married to an alcoholic. Please think very carefully and don’t be blasé, because problems will be headed your way if you do. Speak to DD’s school, let them help you. If SS end up at your door let them help you too. You might not think you want or need help, but you’d be surprised how helpful it can be.