to think this is not normal behaviour for a 9 year old?

[Yolo89]

I just picked DD up to take to a class and she is very tired from a trip to the hospital for DS last night. So tired and emotional. I didnt have as many snacks for her as usual and she wanted me to go the shop. But I had 4 other children in tow so said no. I must tell you that she still had food left - apple etc but she did not want it yet was saying she was starving. I held my ground but she yelled at me and kicked me multiple times.

Every time I take her and her friends to an after school activity, she has a meltdown like this. It is usually about not wanting to go to the activity but it always is very stressful for me.

I ended up in tears today. All the other children just walk but never my DD. If another mum walks her, obviously she is fine but never with me.

Family life is tough at the moment as DH has issues with depression and alcohol and I feel this is greatly affecting my DD. She said today 'I want to die'. I have never heard this before and I am greatly concerned.

I feel like this is very far from normal behaviour and am very worried. What should I do?

I

|She was exhausted today. But I don't feel the activities are the issue. One of them she wants to stop as she does not like it, which we are about to stop. She does have lots of TLC and time at home after school.

DH cannot go anywhere else as he has nowhere to go. Just financially not viable and we have no family in the country.

We are seeing someone to curb the tension and he is getting other help in the form of a few sources. If he wasn't doing this, I would need to consider options but at the moment he is trying and I have to give this a chance to get better.

In terms of DD, I definitely think she should see someone.

DH has never said anything about dying. Neither have I. It could be from school. I will moniter it closely.

I am getting support for what I am going through with DH with a counsellor. I am also dealing with severe peri menopause symptoms in the form of anxiety and irratability which all does not help. I am doing my best to cope with these and see my Dr regularly.

It is just a perfect storm really.

I just don't know what to do in terms of consequences for this evenings behaviour? Ideas? I will sit down and talk to her calmly, but she also did this to me on sunday at a market - kicked me and told me to shut up. I was mortified.

Jemima - help. He is seeing an alcohol service. He has counselling and going to a 9-5 alcohol group. Like AA a bit. He is also trying to cut down.

I don't want to out myself with reason for hospital but in the end it was nothing. It was originally thought to be an infection.

You’re prioritising your alcoholic H over your DC. Not good.

You’re staying with him when he hasn’t even stopped drinking.

You need to show your daughter you put her first. He stops or goes.
The chance to get better is him stopping drinking. When he’s dry he can return.
No wonder the poor kid is behaving so poorly. Listen to her.
Trying to cut down? FFS.

How are your other children (how many are there?) affected by the drinking?

Your poor DD living with an alcoholic father and a mother who's prioritising her relationship over her children's wellbeing.

I think your DH needs to find somewhere else to go before it gets worse and you do even more damage to your kids.

You are putting your drunkard husband before your own children. It's as simple as that.

He's "trying" to cut down? He completely stops or he's out the door.

He has no where to go? Tough shit. He can find a shelter and pull himself together if he is actually committed to be a part of the family.

It's no wonder your daughter is at breaking point.

Good God. You really can't see it can you. He hasn't even stopped drinking!!!! "Trying to cut down" is doing fuck all to help. Your DDs behaviour is 100% because of the relationship you have with your DH and his drinking.

No, it's not normal behaviour for a nine year old.

It's OK to admit it's not normal and ask for help. It could be something developmental, it could be a reaction to the home environment - but don't ignore it.

I totally agree with everybody else, you are putting your alcoholic husband above your poor kids. It is no wonder she is acting like this - poor kid lives with a drunkard that shouts at her mother ffs.

Your children need you to protect THEM, not pander to him. His behavious is incredibly damaging and will leave long term issues they will eb trying to unravel for the rest of their lives. Trust me ,I know first hand. He would be getting his bags packed and being shown the door the very next time he even looks at alcohol.

OP its her home life its as simple as that those tough nights/the fighting they are having an impact and it is this. She is deeply troibled and she needs

Are there 5 children of which she is the oldest.

And if he is trying to cut down he is really isnt trying at all - he needs to stop. And you need to get him out and focus on your children

It sounds like your DD is really struggling with the problems at home atm and needs help. She must be at total breaking point if she says she wants to die. I would be putting as much support in place as I could.

I would firstly speak to school and explain all the home issues. They may have access to a counsellor, a family support worker or may refer to social services. It maybe worth him and / or you considering anti-depressants if not on already. If he can't control his temper then he does need to leave. GP maybe able to help though waiting lists are very long and sounds like she needs help asap.

You can also self-refer to SS - I've known families in similar situations do this.

DH is getting help for alcohol and depression but it has caused some awful nights. It is the fights between us I just want to state

It sounds do difficult for you OP but it absolutely is the atmosphere that is causing this and your daughter is showing signs of emotional stress. The piece above that I have highlighted is extremely damaging for children. I work in an area that would require us to talk to parents about behaviours such as shouting/fighting around children. Please please try to remove your children from this situation, if that is not possible then please try to not fight around the children. It's not healthy for you either. Its there anyone you can talk to support wise?

If you get the drunk out of the house then DD's behaviour will be much calmer. Put her fist.

Jesus wept, what else has to happen for you to see the damage your "D"H is doing to your family.

Stop prioritising the addict, and look after the innocent kids.

He's still drinking? What plan is there in place for this to stop.

I would lay money on this being the root cause of your daughter's problems. I think you need to speak to her school and get some emotional support put in place for her.

She needs to be able to talk to someone about what she is going through.

Your dh needs to move out and deal/heal his alcoholism and depression away from the dc.

That op is the bottom line.

Are you ready to put your dc first?

Please stop saying he should just stop. It is dangerous for an alcoholic to just stop. It can result in severe withdrawal leading potentially to seizures and even death.
OP you say he is working with an alcohol service, does he have a drink down plan in place?
Can you see if the service offers and affected families service too? This will be support for yourself and your children. They may even have workers trained to work specifically with children.
Also have a look a NACOA (National associated for children of alcoholics). They have been very helpful in the past.
Speak to your children's school to see if they can offer any extra support to your DD in school.
Are children's services involved?

OP, Do you drink as well?

DH is getting help for alcohol and depression but it has caused some awful nights. It is the fights between us I just want to state

THIS IS THE PROBLEM

Wake up! It is EXTREMELY damaging to grow up in an alcoholic home. Your DH either stops drinking (and continues to seek help, because simply stopping won’t be enough) or he leaves. Look up NACOA on Google/ Facebook and read some of the stories.

I’ve lived this. I’ve had an alcoholic husband and I chucked him out because it was completely unfair on our children to carry on putting them through it. Your daughter will know and feel far more than you think.

I'm wondering if you grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent. Your ability to normalize this behaviour is very alarming.

Please stop saying he should just stop

People (myself included) that have suggested he needs to stop don't necessarily mean cold turkey. It is usual for an alcoholic that seeks assistance to quit to have something in place to support the withdrawal.

The OP is a victim too. Have you any where to go OP.
How many DC do you have? I know it is scary to move forward but his bad choices are not your responsibility.
I hope you get the help you need to break the cycle for the DC.
History repeats itself we copy our parent's.

You say you're getting counselling for what you're going through with your husband, but is your daughter? I'm assuming she's in the house, she's hearing or witnessing things and it will impact her far more than it impacts you as an adult.

She's clearly struggling, no it's not normal for kids to behave as she is, and it's you she's lashing out at.

I think you need to accept if it's bad for you, and you need counselling it's a million times worse for your child/children to grow up with a depressive alcoholic.