to think this is not normal behaviour for a 9 year old?

[Yolo89]

I just picked DD up to take to a class and she is very tired from a trip to the hospital for DS last night. So tired and emotional. I didnt have as many snacks for her as usual and she wanted me to go the shop. But I had 4 other children in tow so said no. I must tell you that she still had food left - apple etc but she did not want it yet was saying she was starving. I held my ground but she yelled at me and kicked me multiple times.

Every time I take her and her friends to an after school activity, she has a meltdown like this. It is usually about not wanting to go to the activity but it always is very stressful for me.

I ended up in tears today. All the other children just walk but never my DD. If another mum walks her, obviously she is fine but never with me.

Family life is tough at the moment as DH has issues with depression and alcohol and I feel this is greatly affecting my DD. She said today 'I want to die'. I have never heard this before and I am greatly concerned.

I feel like this is very far from normal behaviour and am very worried. What should I do?

I

He is also trying to cut down

What does this mean? Alcoholics can't drink. He's still drinking? What's the point of all the groups etc if he is just getting pissed anyway?

And as a pp said, are you a drinker too?

@MrsAgassi they used to give medication such as accamprosate or Antabuse but it is becoming extremely difficult to get these prescribed. Especially due to the fact it can be dangerous to have any alcohol whilst taking them.
This is why they support services are focused on Drink down schedules. They tend to work better in the long term.
The other way is an inpatient detox in the hospital but once again they are getting rarer due to funding.

You need to kick your H out. It is his behaviour that is causing your poor DD to lash out like this: she is angry and scared and unhappy, because her father is a mess. You are getting the backlash because you're less of a mess, but you do sound as though you are prioritising him over her when it should be the other way round. Put him out before your DD tells someone else how bad things are and you get SS involvement. No kid should have to live with an aggressive, angry drunk.

You will also need to reassure DD repeatedly that her dad is ill, of course, and that he has gone away to get better. But she still shouldn't have to share her home with an aggressive, angry drunk.

It is his behaviour that is causing your poor DD to lash out like this: she is angry and scared and unhappy, because her father is a mess

I'm sorry but the op also needs to take personal responsibility. If children are being brought up in a chaotic home environment then both parents are responsible for allowing that to continue.

Ask about her day and let her know she can always come to you if she’s upset about anything. I said that to my DD the other night when she had been incredibly rude, and she suddenly burst into tears and told me something that had happened at school that I hadn’t even guessed at

THIS^^ with bells on

Your DD is definitely struggling, it could be anything from bullying to health problems & the situation with her DF won't help, but may be only part of it. Some of it will be hormones & will become normal to a degree for tge next few years, but the lashing out the way she is, screams that's she's struggling badly.

Mine does have health problems & we need to keep an open dialogue with her or she bottles it up & lashes out like this. She was at her worst when she was being bullied though & it took a while for her to speak up

Good luck

You are expecting a lot from a 9 year old.
Her behaviour won't be normal living the life she is. How could it.
I echo pp's if the school noticing and gets her talking it will be a SS referral.
Are you a drinker too. It is an important question to help you help your DD.
If you both are under the influence fighting you need to change it.

When the adults start behaving like adults then the children are able to be children.

You and your DH cannot keep muddling on I’m stressed out chaos. If you can’t kick him out immediately then you both need to agree house rules to minimise the impact on the DC. If he breaks them he is out. If he doesn’t comply with any alcohol management programme he is out.

Lots going on here OP for all of you. I don’t think you should be punishing your DS for her behaviour. Sometimes you just need to reduce the load in any way possible. Taking your DS with four other children to an activity sounds like hard work, and perhaps your DD needs attention she doesn’t have when you’re doing this?

I know with lots going on in our lives my DS often needed to just get home and not have to interact with anything. I can’t tell you how much of his childhood has been spent with me angsting over making him go to activities he swore he wanted to do six week earlier but actually didn’t, or angering over letting him not go that evening because he’d had enough during the day. If there had been other children to take that would have made him very difficult to deal with (he has some SEN). Some times you choose your battles and make your own life easier.

Hope it works out for you all

I think previous posters have hit the nail on the head. This is nothing to do with apples or clubs, it's a terrified little girl crying out for help.

I'm sorry, this must all feel brutal to read, but I would suspect that she always kicks off in public because she feels safer with other people around than she does at home. Given that she's been in trouble at school and this is unusual, it may well be that she's trying to draw the attention of trusted adults . It would probably be helpful to talk to the headteacher at your daughter's school to explain what the situation is. He or she may well be able to involve other supportive agencies or strategies to manage this.

You do need to start being honest with yourself about how deeply the situation at home is affecting your daughter. She can see that you are putting your husband ahead of your children.

If she is always hungry after school, then take a snack for her before the activity. Or give up the activity.

Are you responsible for taking other kids? If so, maybe say you are stopping at a Christmas.

It did cross my mind to perhaps get some blood test done. Diabetes crossed my mind, and lack of food can cause tiredness and meltdowns. Maybe other causes?

Kudos to you for reaching out. It sounds like she is working really hard to regulate herself and this just was the final straw. Sometimes it is something so insignificant. Dont look for a label like ODD (hugely subjective and a description rather than a diagnosis). It sounds like she needs to emotional support. Look into books about attachment and trauma. I'm not suggesting she has experienced either but the strategies will help you to understand her needs better. Do not punish or shame her. Certainly discuss it and explain that it wasnt OK for her to express herself like that and you know she wouldnt have if she could have done it differently so you are going to help her learn how to manage her feelings more appropriately.

She will be feeling ashamed and awful enough already.

Talk objectively about her thinking brain and her emotional brain. Her thinking brain makes choices about her behavior. It sounds like her emotional brain took over so you are going to help her learn some thinking brain strategies to manage her emotional brain for the future.

Also consider

1. how is rage and frustration modelled and dealt with by her key adults of influence
2. the impact of her dads depression and alcoholism on her self esteem -children take responsibility for their parents behaviours due to their ego centricity
3. depression and mood regulation can have a genetic element.

And give yourself a pat on the back for being an awesome caring mum.

She needs help. She’s expressing suicidal ideation which always needs to be taken seriously. GP may be able to refer for counselling but this behaviour is telling you she is suffering.

Some really good advice on here OP from a few people.
However the people stating that the husband should be kicked out and that you are putting your husband before your child clearly live in a universe where they’ve never lived with an addict.
Your husband is seeking help and you are supporting him.
Just because the father is an alcoholic does not make him a bad father, he is an addict , he has a disease.
Most families I know journey through very difficult and stressful times, be it health, finance or other . The great skills of resilience , support and card are often learnt.
The OP is taking steps to try and help her daughter , who even without a stressful home life could be feeling overwhelmed. What more can the OP do?

OP you’ve a lot on your plate. Her behaviour sounds normal to me. Long school day, tired and hungry. Try and keep more snacks , speak to the school , let them know there is a bit going on at home and keep communication open.
Try and keep the fighting away from the children.

Sounds like she's having a hard time getting her head round DH's health concerns.
Being 9 years old and trying to understand those sorts of things must cause her a great deal of stress and anxiety.
What is the extended family and school doing to support her with going through this?

She’s expressing suicidal ideation

Or using the biggest words she knows to express her biggest feelings and depth of them.

Certainly visit your GP but she hasn't made a plan or expressed true intent. Get some advice around it but also be careful that this doesn't become the focus rather than her expressing her feelings in the best way she can to help you understand how big they are to her.

@sauvignonblancplz can I just say that your advice is great. It sounds like you truly understand addiction.

It's good that the DH is undergoing treatment for his alcoholism. However, it sounds as if it's gone past the tipping point for the DD who is no longer able to cope with her home environment. I'd suggest the DH temporarily moves in with a willing friend or relative until his condition has improved greatly - and the OP concentrates on making the DD feel safe and secure again. Only time will tell if the DH can become a recovered alcoholic. The DD only has one childhood. Speak to the family liaison officer or SENCO at school too. They should be able to refer the DD for counselling and other practical support.

I have two children. The others I was walking.

I am not prioritising my DH. My DC are the most important. My most important thing is to protect them so it is deeply upsetting that it comes across in a different way. I am so angry with him. Our couples counsellr says I need to give him a chance to change.

I am.studying and not working so it is very hard.

He has cpme home tonight and is angry but he turns it back on.me. It is pretty unbearable to be honest..I don't know what to do. He is a high functioning alcoholic who has a high paying job.

I feel very lost and feel no one supports mw..Hia parents refuse to believe he has a problem

@sauvignonblancplz best advice so far. DH does have an illness and does need support, how does 'kicking him out' help him? Too many people seem to look on a DH as someone to provide babies and after that they are no longer important and are pushed aside for the DC. Both are important.

We have no family here.

His parenrs are no support. They don't belueve me..My mum is no longer here but I have family helping..But none of his family are doing anything to help except paying for a counsellor. Bit no moral support.

Ps. I always have heaps of snacks for DD - more than enough!!! I had enough today she just is used to diffrent snacks

@Yolo89 his parents will know he has a problem but will not want to admit it. My brother is addicted to crack and heroin and it took my parents ages to admit it. They buried their heads in the sand as they didn't want to feel like a failure. Addiction is one of the worst illnesses around. It affects so many people.
Do not ever feel guilty, it's so hard. You are doing your best to keep your family together.

This is an incredibly stressful time, and when making changes things always seem to get worse before they get better.
You can’t change your husband only how you react to it. Take the opportunity to speak to your counsellor about how you’re feeling and ask how to support yourself as you have no external support.
Your in-laws are not in your marriage and won’t understand , don’t waste your energy trying to turn their opinions or judgment. Utilise the counselling.
Sounds like you’re being very strong. Maybe setting some goals and boundaries will help in your sessions?

I dont drink.at all.

We have just had parent teacher interviewa and there are no problems at school.

Yolo89, tell her she can talk to you and listen to what she says.