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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

337 replies

TrophyCat · 28/11/2019 14:45

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 28/11/2019 16:48

Depressing how many women make themselves utterly dependent on men

Absolutely. But choice of school, then university and career gives can give one far more choices because of your own income.

LoobyDoDoDo · 28/11/2019 16:53

@DowntownAbby

When/if it all goes pear shaped usually they are well provided for in the divorce.

The older women (late60's/early70's) I know (the mothers of the school friends) have never worked past getting married. I can't think of a single one.

karmakameleon · 28/11/2019 16:53

I’m surprised people don’t think that childcare costs aren’t a factor. I earn a low six figure income and I have to earn £90k to just cover the cost of a nanny, which is the only realistic childcare option. I work flat out (about 40 hours in the office and logging in from home in an evening, which is normal for my level of seniority). After paying tax, childcare and commuting costs I bring home about £1k a month. Obviously better thank a kick in the teeth, but not so much that my husband and I don’t frequently ask ourselves why we do it.

Most couples in a similar position that I know have made very different choices, and the mother has usually given up full time work.

Original poster
TrophyCat · 28/11/2019 16:55

I'm not sahm bashing at all - I am one!!! I didn't want this thread to be anti/pro sahm/working mums.

It just surprised me how many of these people (some of whom I hadn't seen in 20 years) had followed a similar path to me when at school we were fed a diet of high achievement and academic competitiveness.

We're all late 30s (heading towards 40s), all of the sahm have DC who are at primary or younger so I guess it's likely they are planning to return to work at some stage.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 28/11/2019 16:57

Did you all go into sectors with typically long working hours?

Nearlyalmost50 · 28/11/2019 16:59

Someone asked is there a bell curve of SAHP and the answer is yes, it's concentrated amongst the most wealthy who can afford one wage, and the least wealthy who mainly depend heavily on benefits and for whom working does't really pay or is complicated to arrange (esp on minimum wage jobs).

Everyone in the large middle needs between 1.5 and 2 incomes and so has to trudge on! I'm personally glad as my career has worked out really well and I think had I been slightly richer or slightly poorer I may have quit and then left myself very vulnerable when my husband could no longer earn his wage. There is sometimes a fortune in circumstance. Not for everyone though.

Elle7rose · 28/11/2019 17:00

Surely if you went to private school then you are more likely to marry into even more wealth and therefore more likely to be in privileged position of being able to be a stay at home Mum?

ginghamtablecloths · 28/11/2019 17:00

If you've got a degree and have a better job (more responsibility and high-level stress?) than we plebs then it may be more difficult combining motherhood and working. Your husbands will probably be in a higher social strata and have a bigger wage which makes being a SAHM easier financially. They may choose to return to work when the children are older.

Combining a family and a super job isn't as easy as we were led to believe and I don't blame any mother for stepping back for her own sanity and health.

AJPTaylor · 28/11/2019 17:05

Not surprised at all
Prob came from families with money. Married men who were high earners and had the CHOICE to be sahm.

treepolitics · 28/11/2019 17:06

Clearly some parents (myself included) found that after the second DC and trying all sorts of childcare whilst juggling a job that it's just nicer for your kids if one parent can spend decent amounts of time with them when not pressurised by work.

Yes of course it's a luxury choice, of course it has implications for your employability and of course it means that you are subsiding your OH's career as their earning potential is maintained or improves whilst yours declines, but overall I'm sure most of us do it because of the utility you get from being able to care for your own children to the best of your ability.

IceCreamConewithaflake · 28/11/2019 17:08

Green eyed monster OP?

LovesNettles · 28/11/2019 17:09

I've done both (worked and stayed home). Staying home was honestly harder (for me). Family life is normally less hectic if one parent stays home, but not everyone has that desire or the luxury. OP you seem to be equating having attained higher education and the desire or decision to stay home as incompatible. Wow.

Pinkblueberry · 28/11/2019 17:10

I don’t understand what the big deal is - people say ‘give up work’ - I was a SAHM for a year and a half, I didn’t ‘give up work’ I took a break from work with the intention of going back which is what I think most SAHMs do. And if they don’t, so what?

Happyspud · 28/11/2019 17:16

Not surprised.

Highly educated career focused young women end up in jobs typically with long hours, mixing with men who work full on careers with long hours (and good money).

They find it hard to be a parent and keep up the high paced job.
Their husbands also work long hours and typically it falls on the woman to hold the family together.
They can afford not to work because of husbands job.

So it’s actually pretty ironic that in the end having a high paced career is what lead to the death of their career.

Tablepicture · 28/11/2019 17:17

This is why we need free childcare and education aligned to working hours. Women often work below their level or not at all.

I think that would have zero impact on the choices of this particular demographic.

Dangerousminds · 28/11/2019 17:19

@Nearlyalmost50 hmmm i’m a SAHM and we definitely don’t fit into your first category and are not on benefits either. We just can’t afford childcare so I stay home with them (although i do work a bit from home freelance) and we are basically just skint all the time!

Mrsmadevans · 28/11/2019 17:20

l think if you want to stay at home with your DC then carry on. l had a career break for 4 yrs , (5 yrs with Maternity leave) got them both into Primary before l went back to work, DDS were very close in age and DD2 was an August birth which really fell into the plans thankfully. I couldn't justify not working after they were both in school , even though my DH wanted me to give up completely. I am so glad l went back now Smile

Serin · 28/11/2019 17:27

Eggies
Biscuit in some way references a big argument with Gordon Brown when he was asked which biscuit he preferred and (as I remember it)I think he thought it was a trick question and refused to answer?
So sending someone a biscuit is a bit like a Hmm
I tend to just say FFS. Grin

fascinated · 28/11/2019 17:32

@happyspud, exactly!

Or you just see that there is more to life than work. Our place didn’t even offer part time to anyone. It wasn’t really about motherhood. Just seen as „not feasible“. But what kind of life is it, with no time for hobbies, life admin, let alone kids? It was obvious to me that there ought to be more to life than that.

notdaddycool · 28/11/2019 17:41

Two high powered jobs aren’t viable and if your partner earns a huge amount why bother.

JoJoSM2 · 28/11/2019 17:46

We’re the same. Both privately educated, DH is very driven and successful. I’m a SAHM. The can’t see the point of working if we can afford a very nice lifestyle and I can spend time with DC and doing hobbies, learning new things etc It’s a lot more fun.

To all those talking of ‘being dependant on a man’ - not sure why you imagine that the SAHMs have nothing to their name... Most won’t have a controlling p**ck for a husband and will be very comfortable if the marriage doesn’t work out.

Monkeynuts18 · 28/11/2019 17:47

@karmakameleon

I earn a low six figure income and I have to earn £90k to just cover the cost of a nanny, which is the only realistic childcare option

Is it really £90k to cover the cost of a nanny?? Shock I just ask because I’m on mat leave and wondering how on earth I’ll balance home and work (City job, long commute) and I’ve been wondering whether to look at getting a nanny instead of nursery. But if you need to earn that much that it absolutely wouldn’t be worth it for me!

dontalltalkatonce · 28/11/2019 17:49

Two high powered jobs aren’t viable and if your partner earns a huge amount why bother.

Of course it's viable Hmm and it's also a very stupid financial decision to become reliant on some unmarried 'partner'.

bbcessex · 28/11/2019 17:51

I personally think it's a shame that a focus on education and development stopped when you had a family.

It's not a great model for your children; work hard at school, get a good degree, give it up for pony club and pilates.

Are there any stay-at-home dad's in your cohort?

bbcessex · 28/11/2019 17:51

ignore apostrophe