To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

[TrophyCat]

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

I don't agree it's all about wealth having the choice to be a SAHM. My husband was on £27000 when I had my first son. We adapted our lifestyle to enable me to bring up my son. Only one beaten up old car, only shop at Aldi, hardly ever bought new clothes and budgeted. 8 years later he's now on over £60000 and I've gone back to work.

You're shocked? Was your school a very sheltered one, hardly something worthy of shock.

Mild surprise maybe.

They’d better be married though, or they will be in big trouble if it goes wrong

Or they could, of course, be financially independent.

I wonder if there is a sort of bell curve, i.e. that lower earners find childcare cost makes working unsustainable, middle earners need the money and can't afford to jeopardise being able to pick up their careers again, and those most priveliged aren't too worried about either so have genuine free choice (which many seem to exercise).

I'd have thought this too. It's not just about earnings/spousal earnings - if your family helped you buy a flat/house at a relatively young age in London or similar, 10 years down the line you may be paying £££ less per month in mortgage costs than your peers who didn't have that help.

It’s no surprise to me. One of my friends fits that exact mould. Both had high flying city careers that weren’t really compatible with seeing their children and they took a conscious decision to have a sahp. It’s a taboo thing to say but I think most children are probably happier with a sahp. I’d have no hesitation in doing it if money was no object or even if we didn’t have a mortgage to pay. Our lives aren’t really better with me working at the moment- it’s really for pension and security of maintaining a career.

Two scenarios here. First example, SAHM, can pick up a very lucrative high earning job later in life, they have that choice. Second example, a degree does not always mean that a) You end up in a high earning job, b) You degree could have been a bad choice, and jobs in your specialist area may either be obsolete, or scarce. Personally I think the SAHM has the most important, and most rewarding job on the planet, preparing children for adulthood.

0/10 for stealth boast. Thank you for playing. Please try again.

It also depends on the DCs. If you have a child who is prone to illnesses then your childcare options limit to an au pair or a nanny.
And, of course, it depends on which sector you're in initially. If your career involves lots of international travel and anti-social hours then it's more difficult to combine with DCs.

Figment. Now I understand.!

So, are you saying that out of the people you went to a high free-paying school with, most of them have married a high earner and can afford to give up work?

Is that really that surprising?

Not sure how this is even surprising? If you have two wealthy parents then it's more likely that you can survive as a family with one parent SAH.

In my circle (state school, mid-tier universities all have professional jobs)) we all have preschool children and every one of us works. It isn't thinkable that we could pay our mortgages, our bills and live our lives without some form of second income, despite the fact that to outsiders we probably have good jobs/enough money. We all bought our homes (in quite an expensive area of UK) prior to having kids and so the high mortgage payments kind of dictate that both parents go back to work. Most of the mums have gone back part-time as the kids are still toddlers (3-4 days/week).

It's called money, if you don't need to work ... of my public school/posh private school university friends (thanks Facebook) most didn't work after dc, many didn't work proper jobs before eg pt at a high end retailer, something in promotions sort of things. if marriage fails daddy will bail them out!

This is why we need free childcare and education aligned to working hours. Women often work below their level or not at all.

They also get fucked over after divorce

Loads of women, including Oxbridge educated ones, temporarily give up work to raise children. It's not necessarily a sign of passivity. I bet many of those women will be back in work once the children are all school age.

Changedtemp
Yep. I had friends absolutely itching to return to work at the end of maternity leave, i was utterly dreading it. Im far happier and more fulfilled spending my days in the company of a baby and a toddler.

What’s wrong with wanting to further yourself and study something to expand on knowledge and experience and not work OP? Do people only go to university for the purpose of getting a job? I know plenty of people who studied something and don’t work in that industry or are sahm, me being one. But I guess fees weren’t as high as they are nowadays.
My son comes before any job, but that’s just how I roll.

Right? Um ok?

How old are you all?
Tbh I can see the appeal if you've worked for nearly 20 years before hand...
So 22-40 career
40-50 SAHM
50 till retirement - hobby business or postgrad then consulting

Amongst my friends (mostly state schools, then decent unis) nearly everyone followed the pattern of going back p/t after DC1 and now are thinking of changing jobs or SAH after DC2 as nursery for the baby + before/afterschool club for the older ones seems logistically too hard once we factor in sick days/holidays etc.

1. Money and wealth gives you more choice i.e. the choice to sack it all in and be a SAHM.
2. We tend to remain friends with people similar to us which is why you are seeing this in your group.

Many women give up work to be with their dc and then later retrain or set up a business.
It’s really tough if both partners are working long hours in demanding roles. Just because that’s currently their situation, it doesn’t mean it’s going to stay like that.

I am 42. One ds and one on the way.
I was privately educated, attended good unis, had a good job in education etc etc.
I am now a sahm mum and I intend to stay that way for the foreseeable future.
I am loving my life!
Dh is happy with it. We don't claim any benefits, so it is really nobody's business.
Is there an issue with it?

A lot of girls I went to school with only went to university aiming to get jobs in big firms/banks in order to find a husband of the right calibre.

Same. Most quit as soon as they were engaged.

If you’ve got the choice - ie a high earning husband - id imagine more women would stay home for the early years. Far less stressful than juggling everything. We’ve got longer and longer working years, a few years out when you’ve young and dependant children isn’t a bad thing, especially if it’s through choice rather than necessity.

I think it's really sad.

Depressing how many women make themselves utterly dependent on men. Even more depressing is how many pop up on MN in a disastrous situation after finding themselves with no means of earning a living when it's all gone pear shaped.

Feel free to pelt me with biscuits.

Not surprised in the least.
People with money for private education socialise with people of the same economic income. They are more likely to meet well educated partners and can afford to live on one income.
Obviously there are exceptions to every rule, but I doubt these people are living in poverty and struggling on one minimum wage income.