To be shocked at how many of my (public) school friends are now SAHM

[TrophyCat]

Went to a baby shower last week. The mum to be is an old school friend and there were 8 others from our school there.

We all went to a well known public school, we all have degrees (3 from the bunch went to Oxbridge), and yet 5 of us are stay at home mums, 2 of the women that work don't have dc. So only 1 woman with DC has continued to work.

Most of us had careers before dc, but quit work after marriage and having children.

Interestingly, although a couple of us send our DC to private school absolutely no one has any plans to send their DC away to board ever.

Yoohoo SAHM here! I’m not university educated but married a wealthy man and don’t have to work (don’t want to either)
The point of this thread seems to be shock at how a “successful” woman could be satisfied with being at home with the kids. You do know women who went to state school can still be very intelligent and ambitious? Attending oxbridge is more just down to having had a privileged upbringing with the right guidance than being cleverer than poor people!. I’ve loved bringing up my kids and not having to stress or worry about them being ill/having family holidays/missing school performances etc! So shoot me! I do often get passive-aggressive comments from friends who all have dc’s and work because they have to such as “don’t you get bored?” “But what do you do all day?”. I would never dream of saying to them “don’t you feel guilty leaving your kids with complete strangers at 1 yr old?” Or something like that - I’d sound like a pompous arse wouldn’t I?
All the thread suggests to me is that even privileged, well educated women still just want to be at home with the kids. It doesn’t matter what background you’re from - imo most people who don’t have to work (especially in super-stressful, long-houred careers) won’t.

Is your age a factor? There's quite a group of us mum's at school who are all sahms. I had my first nine years ago, during the recession. Out of my NCT group 4 out of 8 of us were made redundant. I've noticed that, the more 'normalized' it's become, the more mum's are deciding to Sah, instead buying a dog and filling their time that way. Also, many of my friends' husbands work away from home during the week or work long hours. On top of this, there are so many after-school club demands and so many demands made by the school, that many of the mum's are having to do a lot of running around. If they worked too, it would mean long days for their children and childcare fees. It's also easier with the internet to start up a freelance or hobby job,which many of my sahm friends have done.

And the point is ?

P.s. when I said age, I meant the year when you had your kids and whether it coincided with the recession.

Monkeynuts18

We pay our nanny just shy of £50k a year. Once you add in pension and employers’ NI, total cost is approaching £60k. You also have to factor in sick pay and other incidentals (nanny eats at ours for at least one, maybe two meals, a day, and we need to add her to the car insurance) it all adds up pretty quickly.

What's annoying is that the chosen few who get into Oxbridge go off and work in the City making wads of money rather than doing something more beneficial for mankind.

I am currently working on a breast cancer treatment, my old flatmates also work in the pharma industry, DH works in the public sector and his old flatmates are a doctor and an academic. Not all Oxbridge graduates go into the city .

Nearly all the women I know who have not taken a career break have had very supportive parents to help with child care.

And I know lots who live nowhere near family and have paid for all their childcare.

Unless you have a well earning husband, how can you be a Sahm?

Um... by setting up a business that you can run from home? What a strange question.

It’s easier to be a SAHM when you’re wealthy because you can still afford childcare to give yourself a break from being with the kids all the time. That’s why a lot of people like going to work.

On the face of it I would say that women from your educational backgrounds may be more likely to have a choice not to work than people in the middle or lower range of educational achievement without a private school education. I may be wrong of course

They are affluent so therefore have a choice.

So they all married someone who made enough money for them to give up work and still have nice lifestyles. Lucky them.

I quit a £60k p/a career because I went part time (got £30k) but nanny cost £15k - so I cleared £15k. Did this for 2 years and then asked firm if I could return full time. Firm said no "you wanted part-time, we gave you part-time, so part-time it is". If my DH hadnt been earning 3 times more than me, I might have stuck it out. But with him travelling and working away all week, me earning 'peanuts' in comparison for a lot of blood, sweat and tears and neither of us seeing a lot of the kids - the decision was pretty easy. Kids are flying the nest now / soon and I am bored shitless tbh.....only so many garden centres you can visit. I'm thinking of getting back into the workplace soon but will be 50 and menopausal- joy!

@Thestrangestthing....you make it sound like some bloody plot. I just fell in love with someone at 18. I didn't think about his earning potential or any of that shit. It's just how it works out.

OK then

@Karmachameleon - netting >£1k is fantastic after childcare costs are taken out, but also please don't perpetuate the notion that all childcare costs should come out of your salary.

Childcare is a JOINT cost. It maddens and saddens me when senior people like you post about it as a women's issue.

Seriously, like most married couples with children we have joint finances. As any normal couple would do, we look at the options (both work, one of us works and the stays at home) and work our the best one for us as a family. The financial impact of me giving up is small, and the lifestyle difference would be huge. Obviously I do carry on because I see the benefits beyond the money, but I can’t say it’s not tempting to give up.

Not sure where I said it was a plot or a bad thing. Hit a nerve?

So they all married someone who made enough money for them to give up work and still have nice lifestyles. Lucky them

I made enough money for me to give up work and still have a nice lifestyle...

For us the cost of private let alone boarding school is a major factor. Fees have gone up much faster than salaries. I enjoyed school but given a choice between that and help with uni fees/house deposit/visits to family abroad, we’d go with the latter (there are good state schools in our area and we are able to do activities/extend ourselves).

I am lucky to have help from grandparents but would also like to help them out as they age, so that also factors into our plans. What is best for a family varies widely and depends on Personalities and skill sets of the parents and kids.

If they went to public school they prob come for well off families, had decent paying jobs so got on the housing market early, and have well off husbands too because of the circles they mixed in. So they are more able to afford to be a sahp. The only sahp I know have very well paid husbands or lots of family money.

I know people say CC is a joint cost but really if everything’s shared anyway you just look at overall increase of extra income v increase of difficulty to do it. Plus wanting to work of course. But sharing the cost of CC is not really relevant.

JacquesHammer

You managed to save enough money during your career, to enable you to give up work, share have of all living costs for the foreseeable future, and half of the school fees to send your kids to private school?

Half, not have

Or all of the costs if you are a single parent?

I know quite a few who went to public school and/or Oxbridge. They are not high earners. Some earn way under the average salary. Quite a few are teachers. One is a midwife. One is a speech and language therapist. A couple are translators or work in journalism.

But surely public school is all about making the connections darling, surely they never had any intention of having a career, but simply living off their well paid DH.