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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
KaptenKrusty · 28/11/2019 17:57

Guys - it's 2019 - woman and men can be friends now, it's ok!

I've become really good mates with some friends other halves and would now class them as MY friends as I feel i've made a friendship with these people separate to my husband (if that makes sense!)

I was at the theatre the other night with my friends husband (who I call my friend - I don't refer to him as friends DH) She wasn't up for leaving their young baby after all to attend the show as planned, so she told him to go with someone else so invited me along!!

My DH has been to things with friends as well - it's not like we are both always free so if there is something on my friends invite us to go to and I can't go, I wouldn't expect DH not to go!

You must all just not trust your husbands tbh

cheesydoesit · 28/11/2019 17:58

That's completely different Kapten as OP's friend doesn't yet know and the whole situation sounds less transparent than yours.

SeaViewBliss · 28/11/2019 17:59

And also, say this man does have a thing for the OP, and say he did make a move, would that be her fault?

OhWellThatsJustGreat · 28/11/2019 18:01

I think inviting him back to yours until 1am when your husband is away is putting you in a dangerous position. Innocent as it was, it’s the sort of thing that happens when people have a romantic interest in each other and it would be absolutely understandable if your partners were concerned.

This

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 18:04

KaptenKrusty it sounds like this entire thread has whooshed right over your head to be honest.

Countryescape · 28/11/2019 18:10

If his wife knows maybe okay. But out until 1am with another women’s husband alone, it’s pretty marginal to be honest. I can’t think of an occasion I’d ever do this.

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 18:12

It surely depends on the relationship & the person/people though. I met DH at uni & we have shared friends across genders. He has slept on the same bed as one of my closest friends. He is also close to her & she actually set us up. I trust them both together completely, I wouldn't necessarily trust other people. I have a very close male friend & his best friend is another female, his wife doesn't have an issue. I am close to some of my friends husbands & DHs male friends as I have known some of them since I was 16. I would say the relationship is more brotherly, when you've seen someone grow up, make mistakes, embarrass themselves it's hard to see them in a sexual, attractive light if that makes sense. However there are a few I wouldn't trust, I'm not a cool wife!

AxeOfKindness · 28/11/2019 18:12

It's fine so long as everyone knows and is happy with it. I'd probably make sure your friend is happy with it (or at least with that sort of thing) before doing it, though, OP. You never know, and if she's more your friend than he is, I probably wouldn't just wing it.

Otherwise of course it's OK - men and women can certainly be just friends despite the number of people who will insist on trying to "When Harry Met Sally" you!

MrMeSeeks · 28/11/2019 18:14

At the risk of seeming argumentative I just find this so hard to believe - you really wouldn't mind your DH having a coffee with another woman then

I wouldn’t. I’d have no problem with them put on the evening either, i do with the drinks back at the op though:

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 18:15

KaptenKrusty - have you read the whole thread? Also, you calling us Guys and accusing us of not trusting our OH's doesn't make your opinion the right one.

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 18:19

you really wouldn't mind your DH having a coffee with another woman then

Do people actually mind this? What about work colleagues, is that allowed?

ProggyMat · 28/11/2019 18:22

WorraLiberty seems so Grin
Essential
To place what happened in context, did your friend’s DH know that your DH and DC were away and if so, who told him?
You have said that your friend mentioned her DH had ‘a music thing’ going on so she was doing something else- that’s how I read it so if not I will stand corrected.
HE- your friend’s husband- drops a text to say he is WFH in a cafe and invites you to join him which then continues on to drinks at ‘music thing’ and drinks at your home.
Soooo, who told him your DH was away and would the events have played out in the same way if your DH and DC were at home?

spanglydangly · 28/11/2019 18:23

@KaptenKrusty you'll need to read the thread before you start dishing out your advice to us!

MoominKitty · 28/11/2019 18:41

Me and my partner are friends with another couple, my friends pre relationship. And we regularly hang out all together or in groups of two or three. The OPs situation is something that has happened with us before where I've got for lunch then drinks etc with the male friend alone and my partners done the same with the female friend. We all know and we all trust each other implicitly and are really good friends so to me I don't see an issue. I'm sure the OP would have no issue if it has been her husband who did the coffee, drinks and night cap with friends wife as they are all good friends who keep no secrets. OP even says she told her husband so I'm assuming the friend also told his wife. If it was with someone you aren't as good friends with it would be weird but it's all about the dynamics and how close you are on a whole really.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 18:45

Sigh, no the wife didn’t know.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 18:46

It’s the specifics of this situation that make it dodgy. Not the male/female friendship argument.

feelingsinister · 28/11/2019 18:47

I really don't get what the big deal is and yes I have read the whole thread.

All the 'another woman's husband' and 'going out and getting drunk whilst his poor wife is at home' stuff is particularly baffling.

I wasn't aware that people ceased being their own person when they got married and had children.

They're friends, why can't they go out together or go to each other's houses? It makes sense to go to the OP's place if they wanted to carry on drinking as her child wasn't there so they wouldn't have disturbed anyone.

I've been out with my friend's partners, gigs mostly. I'd have no issue if my husband wanted to hang out with one of my friends other than he is really antisocial and shares no interests with them.

I get that people cheat and that's shitty but you don't prevent your partner cheating by stopping them from having a life away from you.

It's honestly batshit.

The only people that have a right to an opinion about this is the four people involved. If any of those are bothered then that's a conversation to be had.

I've had all sorts of accusations thrown at me because:
I didn't take his name
I go away a lot without him
I'm not particularly domesticated and apparently don't do enough 'wife work' and all sorts of other stuff.

I think we should all give less of a shit about what other people think about us and our lives.

Happygirl79 · 28/11/2019 18:50

As long as his wife knows about it then I don't see a problem here

Buddyelf · 28/11/2019 18:52

ploopsie I didn’t mean the coffee, of course I wouldn’t mind my DH having a coffee with a woman - if you read my post I go on to mention the escalation of going for more drinks and then being invited back to her place. Read my post 🙄

Cornettoninja · 28/11/2019 18:57

Thing is, it doesn’t matter how anyone here would feel or how you feel; it’s how your friend feels. It’s common enough for women to dislike their partners going out drinking one on one with a female friend (which you aren’t, you aren’t his friend) that you’ve questioned yourself.

This sounds like a fairly new friendship with the woman and frankly you need to accept you don’t know their history, you don’t have much of a history with the friend herself and it’s a fairly unusual circumstance for two parents with young children to have the opportunity to go out on an impromptu piss up.

I’d be angry with you both tbf. I’d be looking at you in a different light completely.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 18:59

I’m going to shout this now.

HIS WIFE DOESN’T KNOW.

Despite them being together at lunchtime. I guess he went home in between and still didn’t mention it to her then either. Sets off out to meet the OP at 8pm. All planned. Yet didn’t think to mention it to his wife.

Still ok?

feelingsinister · 28/11/2019 19:02

You don't actually know that @Delatron. All that's been established is that the OP hasn't mentioned it yet but why should she?

Dontdisturbmenow · 28/11/2019 19:02

So much red herrings, it's hillarious. If he is working from home, why would he be at the cafe, one that happens to be close to where you are. Has he ever contacted you out of the blue to join him for a cafe at lunch time?

How did it get to having a cafe, to him saying, hey, join me tonight at the pub? Was he with other friends and you joined as a group, or was he surprisingly quite alone and giving you all his attention?

And why or why did it end up with you inviting him to yours? You were at the pub, drinking, so why going at yours to drink more?

Next will be 'he admitted he had a crush on me ever since he laid eyes on me and I suddenly realised that I too had strong feelings for him, I guess you can't help who you fall in love with and when'!!

PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 19:05

The wife was not told.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 19:05

dela I don’t know whether or not he told his wife. I haven’t told her. I’ll chat to her tomorrow because she’d find it very odd if I somehow worked it into a text tonight , it’s just not how the communication between us goes and I’m worried I’ll cause alarm where there is none.

This sounds like a fairly new friendship with the woman and frankly you need to accept you don’t know their history, you don’t have much of a history with the friend herself

This isn’t accurate. We’ve been friends since the kids were born(ish) and we’re both very open with one another about relationship stuff. It’s also a fairly intense friendship in lots of ways that don’t really bear going into here.

OP posts: