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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 17:05

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

You had 4/5 drinks in the pub and then continued drinking back at yours until 1am.

Are you sure it's your friend that's got you thinking?

I'm wondering if perhaps once you sobered up this morning, you realised how inappropriate it may look to your friend?

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 17:05

And this is why you haven't told her yet?

BarrenFieldofFucks · 28/11/2019 17:08

Yeah, I would find it too. Especially as you are more friends with his wife than him. We're you not at all surprised he invited you out? Is he in touch regularly?

You've always seemed quite straight up so I trust your intentions, but I can't say the same for his.

Prevegen4U · 28/11/2019 17:09

This is highly inappropriate. You were getting drunk with another woman's husband late at night when she was unaware at home looking after his children.

Quartz2208 · 28/11/2019 17:11

You must see though how it is engineered to look
He was going to this gig before he asked you for coffee? He arranged this for an evening he knew you were childfree and he had a pre made outing ready with his wife who must not know it was with you because she knew before you did

And you don’t see that as being inappropriate? Just because you don’t see him that way and would not cross the line doesn’t make it better

EstuaryBird · 28/11/2019 17:13

My friend’s husband and I have been doing this for many years. We’re both Heavy Metal fans while our beloved spouses prefer reggae and soul. We go to see bands a couple of times a month and go to Festivals or travel long distances to see bands 3 or 4 times a year.

Quite often my DH and Friend will go out to the Cinema or Pub or Comedy Club etc.
We’re all in our mid/late 60s now and have been doing this for over 20 years. We all go out as a group as well and have been on lots of holidays together.
Sorry MN but there is absolutely nothing sexual or emotional going on at all. Never has been, never will be.

floodypuddle · 28/11/2019 17:14

My instinct is to say I'd be uncomfortable but actually, thinking about it I have have spent time alone with my friends husband who in my mind is 'one of the girls' because they've been together basically since we were kids.

My dp also has a friend couple and I can't honestly say I'd be bothered about him spending time alone with his female friends as it's a similar sort of dynamic. Almost like a sibling...

Depends how you all interact really.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 28/11/2019 17:15

I'm not sure I believe the "my friend thinks" thing tbh. I think you know it was inappropriate and are feeling weird about it today so have posted to get opinions or talk about him. Sounds like the two of you got a bit carried away and didn't give much thought to your respective spouses because you were having such fun together. I'd be taking a big step back from you if I was her.

LovesNettles · 28/11/2019 17:16

It's the invite up for a drink in the house afterwards that I would consider overkill.

Quartz2208 · 28/11/2019 17:17

Estuarybird that is a very different picture though from the one that the OP is painting of how her evening came together. Of course people of opposite genders can be friends and have coffee/drinks etc

This though seems not to be the case on his part

Actionhasmagic · 28/11/2019 17:17

I think it’s fine apart from the inviting in for a drink til 1am

SimonJT · 28/11/2019 17:19

It wouldn’t bother me at all, if my boyfriend was uncomfortable with me spending time with other people he would be dumped fairly hastily.

Whatisthisfuckery · 28/11/2019 17:20

This wouldn’t bother me. I have female friends who I’ve been out drinking with, and yes, even back to their place for a drink, and so has DP, who is also female. It wouldn’t cross my mind to think she was cheating unless she gave me other cause. It might be different as we’re both female though.

Isithometimeyet0987 · 28/11/2019 17:21

I’d only have a problem with this if my dh was hiding it from me, if he was just meeting a friend (I don’t care if his friends are male or female as he doesnt care with mine) why would anyone care? If you where sneaking about and not telling your friend and your dh I might begin to wonder what’s going on but no if it’s not a secret no I wouldn’t care he met you.

Andsoitisjust99 · 28/11/2019 17:25

I think it could cause issues. In your shoes (and I have been with couple friends and the dad is at home with the kids) I always make a point of dropping it casually into chats and ensuring that I meet up with the wife too. I would say it’s dangerous territory generally. You definitely shouldn’t do this without even considering his wife. You should be making sure this is all above aboard and seen to be above board by both your partner and his.

ProggyMat · 28/11/2019 17:27

Did he know your DH was away and if so who told him?

Ohnoana · 28/11/2019 17:29

I think you know it's not reasonable but you liked the attention he was giving u so now are acting like it was nothing.

What if he'd tried it on? Only witnesses you and him?

It wasn't only disrespectful to your friend but stupid and potentially dangerous to ask a guy back to your house for a 'night cap' when you're married, regardless of who it is.

londonrach · 28/11/2019 17:38

Depends...did your dh know and his dw. Tbh it does sound like a date. I cant image meeting any of my friends husbands like this...maybr a cake if in same coffee shop but id have dd with me anyway.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 17:40

It does seem that he engineered the pub date - but OP invited him back to hers after. Interested to know what his wife says, she knew he was going to the pub, but did she know he'd invited OP?

ScoobyCan · 28/11/2019 17:40

@EssentialHummus - I know you think it's fine but just be a little wary. I did this with a mate several years ago (coffee, music nights, pub quiz, kids to the park, family holidays, stuff I thought was totally normal / platonic / not leading either party on) - we had all met through the same hobby so I knew his wife as well as him, and spent equal amounts of time with either and/or with both. What it came down to is that he then kissed me on one of those "going down the pub" evenings and I was so shocked it actually makes me feel a bit sick to talk about it now.

Fortunately I did the right thing, and told him in no uncertain terms to back off. He got the message and I actually spend a lot more time with her these days, as I no longer trust him. I expect he's probably playing away somewhere else but I can at least say it isn't with me.

Just be careful - it's lovely to have Male friends when you're a female, but I must admit I was not ready for that sort of "intention". 😕

PositiveVibez · 28/11/2019 17:47

You seem defensive and naive OP

Defensive - yes. Naïve - pull the other one. It's got fucking bells on!!!

Tinkobell · 28/11/2019 17:51

The guilt litmus test is really how you or he will feel when you give your friend every detail about the long evening with her DH.....just a tiny bit red faced perhaps? Or not a single blink of anything out of the ordinary? Only you know if it was right or wrong. The 1am drink bit sounds weird sorry.....did the minutes just run away with you both?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 17:55

Also wondering if your DH knows you had this man at yours after the pub do?

HowlsMovingBungalow · 28/11/2019 17:55

So do we know if the partners of OP and husband know about the day and nights outings?
The 1am topping up of drinks would irk me.

SeaViewBliss · 28/11/2019 17:56

You must see though how it is engineered to look
He was going to this gig before he asked you for coffee? He arranged this for an evening he knew you were childfree

Anything can look engineered if you have reason to believe it is. Do you never take anything at face value? I don't see why there is this automatic assumption that he is some predatory male just desperately engineering alone time with the OP.

I do understand that some people have justifiable trust issues but not all men and not all women are out to have a fling at the first available opportunity.