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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 28/11/2019 19:07

Yeah "I'm going out with your mate tonight, don't wait up" doesn't have the easiest ring to it.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 28/11/2019 19:08

I'm actually starting to wonder if something did happen between OP and her friend's DH and she's trying out her 'nothing happened' story to see if it's plausible and how others are likely to react . . .

There are lots of MNers with friends of the opposite sex (myself included) but OP's specific example is ringing lots of alarm bells.

PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 19:08

Then why didn't you say to your friend "I'm out with your Derek. I'll get him home safe, don't worry heh heh nudge nudge. Shall we bring you some take away after the gig blah blah?"

GrannyBags · 28/11/2019 19:09

It’s not hard to work it into a text really - “X mentioned such and such when we were in the cafe/at the pub/ at mine the other night.
If you have nothing to hide then it’s not a problem, especially with a friend.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 19:12

dont none of those things are red herrings - we live very near each other, he went up to the cafe for lunch as a break from home (I’m a freelancer, I do this myself!) etc. We went back to mine after the pub closed because we were literally outside my house, which is on the way to his, and I asked whether he wanted another drink. I’m starting to regret this last part based on how it looks to so many people on here, so that’s a bit of a lesson for the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 19:16

purple that’s not our style really, so that sort of thing would certainly make her wonder wtf.

thatsme no, really not.

I think I’m bowing out now, but thanks for (most of!) the replies.

OP posts:
FatherB · 28/11/2019 19:16

Interestingly I saw a thread the other day about a wife talking about her husband doing similar things with a female friend. Of course she framed it emotionally talking about how the friend hated her and insinuated an affair was happening but in this example you are the other woman so you obviously wouldn't be saying that.

In that thread it was almost unanimous that the guy was cheating and should be dumped. Here it's split 50:50 because of course you should have male friends.

I feel if it were a man going to lunch with a female friend, going for drinks the next day and then inviting her back to his for more drinks and drinking until 1am together alone in the house, the responses would be much much more negative.

feelingsinister · 28/11/2019 19:16

@EssentialHummus please don't change your behaviour because of other people's judgement. You've done nothing wrong.

spanglydangly · 28/11/2019 19:16

@EssentialHummus she's your friend, why is it hard to "work" into a text!

Why "work" it, surely it's just had a great night with your DH, tired this morning it was a late one. Sane as you would if it were say her sister or whoever?

OxfordCat · 28/11/2019 19:18

@EssentialHummus were you and he at the gig by yourselves or with a group?

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/11/2019 19:20

Why are you bowing out OP? You asked for opinions and we're giving them.

Queenoftheashes · 28/11/2019 19:22

This is fine. I’ve gone for a weekend away with my mate’s DH as she went on holiday without him. If you’re all friends and trust each other it’s no problem.

PurpleHoodie · 28/11/2019 19:23

Essential Ot doesn't matter the style, it's the good manners of letting your friends know you are going on nights out with their husbands. They may be ok with it, they may not.

GaaaaarlicBread · 28/11/2019 19:24

I don't see the issue here? Nothing happened? people need to get a grip.
As long as DH and your friend are aware, then that's fine! x

Dontdisturbmenow · 28/11/2019 19:26

were you and he at the gig by yourselves or with a group?
Indeed, this would be the most telling.

It is interesting that he waited to be in the cafe to call you, why didn't he do so before going there. Most friends do call each other to invite to a meeting before they get there. Again, as he ever done so before? If he works from home, as you do and you've known each other for some time, you'd expect this to be a regular occurence.

If indeed you were talking about the gig, you said, you'd love to here them, and he said 'well, I'll be there with my friends, you're welcome to join us', nothing wrong at all.

If he however started to talk about it and then said to you 'would you like to come' and hold and behold none of his friends are there, that would be very odd considering he'd already told his wife he'd be going there and he wouldn't to know that you would want to join him, especially when he hadn't planned to contact you that day.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 19:27

Feelingsinister - inviting him back for a drink was wrong. The wife should know. No you don't stop living when you get married but why bother getting married if you aren't honest with each other. Just stay single and get pissed and spend time with whoever you fancy.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 19:29

Why are you bowing out OP? You asked for opinions and we're giving them.

I feel like we’ve now covered the full spectrum of opinions here, so I don’t have anything more to add or clarify. You’re welcome to carry on, be sure to get in before 1am Grin.

oxford it was just us, but he sometimes goes to these things by himself so the absence of other friends didn’t/doesn’t raise any alarm bells for me.

OP posts:
MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 19:30

Has he not got any friends?

TuttiCutie · 28/11/2019 19:30

You've swerved the question of whether this is the norm for you both and how many times you've been out together - just you and your friend's DH...Hmm

Given that another friend, somebody who knows you, thinks it was way out of line, suggests that this is not normal for you and it is out of line.

You really can't see how inviting a friends husband back to your empty house at 1am for a nightcap looks to most people.

I hope your friend (the one whose husband you effectively went on a date with) is as "cool" as you think you are.

Dontdisturbmenow · 28/11/2019 19:31

You still have to clarify whether you were on your own at the pub of he was there with friends, and that is the most telling situation.

If with friends, then fair enough, maybe it was innocent on his part too, but if not, then from what you've said, it is obvious that he planned it all.

Dontdisturbmenow · 28/11/2019 19:34

Sorry, just seen the update, so just the two of us. Sorry OP but he is totally unto you. What he should have done is call you for a coffee and asked you if you'd mind babysitting so he could go with his wife.

He was tasting the waters because let's face it, he is risking his marriage if he comes into you without being sure you are interested too.

In any case, his wife will know soon and hopefully, she'll work it out better than you.

toffeeapplesgalore · 28/11/2019 19:40

Surely your friend will know by now that you've had a late night session with her husband. Kind of tough now if she is bothered since you've already done it! I wouldn't be happy

Charley50 · 28/11/2019 19:41

You can't now out now OP, because we have to find out whether your friend was pissed off or not!

Cornettoninja · 28/11/2019 19:42

We don’t know what the wife knows, god knows you see enough threads here where people have hunches that turn out to be right. Maybe the husband told her, maybe a mutual friend saw them, maybe she’s put two and two together off something on social media or a comment from someone else - who knows.

The OP is saying she’s treating her differently (looking at her strangely) so clearly she thinks she’s got suspicions at least.

If she hasn’t that’s the OP’s own conscience and narrative painting a reaction. I’d be wondering to myself why I interpreted it that way if I thought everything was ticketyboo.

Charley50 · 28/11/2019 19:43

No that's a different friend who is looking at the OP strangely.

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