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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
cheesydoesit · 28/11/2019 16:37

If you usually hang out with him without his wife or your husband albeit not until 1am due to your daughter then there should be no problem should there?

I do think he's testing the waters though. Had he invited other friends to his gig or just you?

Delatron · 28/11/2019 16:38

You seem defensive and naive OP.

Splitting hairs. You had coffee in the day and then spent all evening with him and then invited him back to yours. Then you’re all wide eyed and innocent. Doesn’t it seem strange to you that when he was ‘working’ he called you to meet him. Then invited you to the pub, which he had been planning to go to for days but strangely hadn’t invited anyone else...

And his wife still doesn’t know.....

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2019 16:38

How many times have just you and he been to the pub together OP?

MistyCloud · 28/11/2019 16:38

@PurpleHoodie

As the young 'uns say this century...

Shady.

Couldn't agree more.

In fact it's WELL shady mate. Wink

Wilmalovescake · 28/11/2019 16:38

See, if as you say the wife was my primary friend here, I’d already seen my male friend for coffee that day and my own husband and kid were away, I think I’d have offered to babysit so the two of them could have had the night out together.

I think at least one of you is interested in the other and pushing the boundaries to see what the other one will go for. At least one of you.

This is the point at which you set boundaries. After this point it all gets messy and people get hurt. Believe me, I know from experience.

Original poster
EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 16:38

It sounds like he is testing you to see if you are interested ... are you?

No, definitely not.

People keep criticising my referring to him as my friend's husband, but a) I'm much closer to her than him, and that's how I see him (rather than as "my friend Jeff") and b) the "my friend, let's call him Bob" style of MN posting has always hacked me off, and I couldn't think what other wording to use.

OP posts:
rowrowrowyaboat · 28/11/2019 16:39

Yeh the inviting him in for after drinks isnt cool imo. Wouldnt be happy with my dh or friend about that.

BustedDreams · 28/11/2019 16:40

I agree with @JOBrien333 ... he’s testing the waters. Can you honestly say that in all the time you spent together there was no brushing of hands or body parts, no knowing/wanting glance ....

I’m pleased you’re not my friend with such shady boundaries.

TartanMarbled · 28/11/2019 16:40

This wouldn't bother me at all. My DH is good friends with lots of women, and a day/night like this would not be unusual in the slightest.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 28/11/2019 16:42

You regularly go out with your friends' husband for coffee, then to a music event and then invite him back for a coffee - when your husband is at home? Because that's what the PP was asking.

If this is a regular occurrence why are you asking about it on MN?

CassandraCross · 28/11/2019 16:42

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate

Nah, I'm not buying that, I don't believe you can't see the how inviting someone else's husband back to your house where you are alone and he stays there until 1.00 a.m. couldn't possibly fall under the banner of inappropriate. You've been on MN long enough to have read thread upon thread of similar behaviour being carried out by spouses and the conclusion from posters is always that the spouse in question is cheating and invariably they are.

cheesydoesit · 28/11/2019 16:42

Do you think he is interested in you and that is why he invited you for a day date and a follow up night date without any of his friends around?

TartanMarbled · 28/11/2019 16:43

@BustedDreams Do you not have any men friends? Do you brush hands and body parts with them/exchange knowing glances? Because I don't! England is a bit victorian in its idea that men and women can't be friends without some ulterior motive. It makes me sad.

NameChangedNoImagination · 28/11/2019 16:43

Nah i wouldnt do this, and i wouldnt be happy if DP did either. And if i was the man's wife, I'd be furious. With one caveat, if you're both in the same industry, or you both have a weird niche hobby, it wouldn't bother me so much.

ThatsMeInTheSpotlight · 28/11/2019 16:47

But Tartan as OP keeps pointing out - he isn't really her friend. She's friends with his wife. I'm sitting here trying to think of any of my friends' husbands who would invite me out for coffee when my husband was away , ask me to a music event in the pub and then come back to mine till 1am . . .None of them. The only ones I'd go for a coffee with or out to the pub with, are friends who I've known as long as I've known their wives so they are my friends not just husbands of my friends iyswim. And I still wouldn't invite them back to mine till 1am on a school night.

KanelbulleKing · 28/11/2019 16:48

i would be very unhappy if my DH did this and I can't imagine ever going out, even for just a coffee, with one of my friends' husbands. Too weird for me.

HepzibahGreen · 28/11/2019 16:55

OP there's nothing wrong with referring to this man as your friends husband if that's what he is! The point many of us are making is that he is not your friend independently of his wife.
You had better tell her what happened, and fast, because if you don't somebody else will and she will draw her own conclusions.

Vulpine · 28/11/2019 16:56

Maybe you could offer to baby sit for them do he can go out drinking with his wife till 1am

JOBrien333 · 28/11/2019 16:57

@EssentialHummus

You need to distance yourself from him now because I think he thinks you are interested now. I don't think your friend will want you around her husband because she thinks there is something going on.

SleepingStandingUp · 28/11/2019 16:57

Do you not have any men friends? Do you brush hands and body parts with them/exchange knowing glances? Because I don't! England is a bit victorian in its idea that men and women can't be friends without some ulterior motive. It makes me sad. ordinarily is agree, twice a year male friend and I travel half way up or down the country to see each other from before lunch til last train. We go to the art gallery or similar, lunch, drinks in tbe pub, nice dinner. DH is home with DS and if friend has a partner at that time she's not invited other. Neither do we invite mutual friends.
BUT he is my friend and has been for over a decade. Its pre planned and totally transparent. We don't live near eahh other so make it a long date to maximise time together.
It isn't my mates husband, with the kind of "keep extending it so we don't have to say goodbye vibe" that's going on here.

I can imagine one friends DH inviting me to the pub if we were both at a lose end (live to far apart in reality) but even then I couldn't imagine inviting him home to mine to keep it going to 1 am in a school night and at some point I'd have likely dropped friend a text anyway

OxfordCat · 28/11/2019 16:59

Hi OP,

It's an interesting one. Given you asked opinions on here I'll be honest. On balance, I think the fact that you identify him as your friend's husband, and that's how you know him means to me some of this does read as a bit odd. To my eyes, there are some aspects which might be 'normal' and other aspects that seem a bit odd:

"normal":
having a coffee with hm if you happen to be in the same cafe
being in the pub with him with a larger group

"odd":
the fact that he texted you a random invite to cafe (are you sure he doesn't fancy you?)
If you attended the pub / gig just the two of you that would be a bit odd and date-like, (but you don't say if there was a group of them?)
The fact that you invited him back to yours for a drink late at night without anyone else (this was VERY odd imo)

I am 'friends' with my friend's DH too, and these are the areas where I would draw the line, almost naturally and without too much analysis. In your situation, assuming he had invited me o a gig along with a group of his mates, I'dv'e texted my friend and just said something like "[YourDHname] has invited me along to the gig tonight! Are you sure you don't fancy getting a babysitter and joining?" Anything else would just feel wrong. I would also feel strange if my DH did this with one of his friends' wives. (Note - not any female friend, but one he only knows through their other half).

icannotremember · 28/11/2019 17:02

Wouldn't be bothered myself. DH would definitely be bothered though.

OxfordCat · 28/11/2019 17:02

And to clarify, I've just re-read your op and it doesn't sound like you were in the pub with a group? And you had 5 drinks plus more at yours. This is weird OP.

Polydactyly · 28/11/2019 17:03

Right or wrong at least you know not to dare do this with the husband of friend you saw today.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 28/11/2019 17:04

I would hate this if it was my DH. But I'm sitting here wondering why and I've come to the conclusion that my DH rarely makes much effort to arrange social stuff so if he did this with another woman it would give me the rage. However, if he was the sort that arranged nights out a lot with me then maybe it wouldn't.