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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU about friend's husband?

469 replies

EssentialHummus · 28/11/2019 13:53

Friend's DH messaged me yesterday around noon to say he was at a local cafe WFH, did I want to join? I went over, we had a coffee and a chat, and he invited me to a pub for a music night yesterday eve. We met up again later, went to the pub, had 4/5 drinks each and had a greattime. On the way back home I invited him up to mine for another drink. He agreed, we had another drink and a chat, he went off home around 1am. My DH is away with our daughter.

None of this even slightly registered with me as being inappropriate, but I told another friend about it today and she told me very strongly that the whole thing was way out of line / that if it was her husband she'd assume there was something going on.

For context, I'm good friends with his DW (kids the same age) and see lots of her, though sometimes do toddler stuff with him when she's busy/he'll be around when I'm at theirs. I get on really well with him, no attraction but he's really different from me and interesting to talk to.

WIBU?

OP posts:
CharlottesPleb · 28/11/2019 22:29

This could be absolutely fine, but would definitely count as "opt in" coolness for your respective OHs.

If there are secrets being kept by lie or omission, or assumptions going on where both OHs aren't known to be fully comfortable with it ahead of time, then yeah... this isn't appropriate. Even assuming there are no aspersions to be cast on anyone's motives.

Delatron · 28/11/2019 22:29

@ploopsie I’m sure it was. Still doesn’t make any sense though...

Drivenmad80 · 28/11/2019 22:29

Personally I'd be offended if his wife was annoyed. She obviously trusts you both. If you were after getting in each other's pants then you wouldn't be so open about it would you!!! I think it depends on people's relationships. Once I was laid up after an op and my best mate and my DH spent a lot of time together with our respective kids without me. I think I got about 5 'concerned' texts from different school mums. I thought it was hilarious!!!

Onemorecrisp · 28/11/2019 22:31

I would rather meet my own female friend at the pub personally.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 28/11/2019 22:33

Personally I'd be offended if his wife was annoyed. She obviously trusts you both.

From the OP’s updates it seems like the wife doesn’t know, and nobody is falling over themselves to fill her in! Very telling..

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 22:40

@Delatron why does it not make sense? I certainly waste time on MNs even though Im "busy" as I'm sure other posters do. Plus my post was directed at Margot as she said she was too busy to see even her best female friends more than occasionally, and asked of other posters do you work, spend time with the kids, exercise, clean?

I work p/t & TTO so also spend time with the kids. I clean a bit but have a cleaner. Could do more exercise, my cross trainer is gathering dust but do yoga & zumba with friends. In the time I've taken reading & posting on this thread I could have had a babysitter here, walked to the high street with DH or a friend & had a drink/meal.

Katgurl · 28/11/2019 22:41

It's a tough one op. Personally I fully believe you thought nothing of it and were taken aback by your other friend's reaction.

But really I have racked my brains and considered my wide circle of mixed group friends and I can't think of any who would find the nightcap totally fine. It's just setting up potential for something to happen; only the two of you, lots of alcohol previously consumed. I also have some friends who would object to the earlier parts of the evening too.

You haven't said anything about your friend. What's she like? What is he like? What are they like as a couple?

I think you might need to do some damage control here. Make sure your friend hears it from you than anybody else (in case her husband hasn't mentioned it). I would just ask how he was the next day, comment it was a good night and say what time you finished up at. She could know already and be absolutely fine with it. Or she might not know and not be fine with it. In which case she was will probably cool off with you. But at least you've been open and above board

Considermesometimes · 28/11/2019 22:42

Two questions op:

Of all the people (including his wife) why do you think he asked you to join him for coffee/gig and then drinks? Do you think in his mind he was thinking essential is the perfect pal to listen to these tunes, such sparkling company and such wit? Or do you think he has simply worked out your husband is away and wanted to try his luck? (and nearly succeeded lets be fair) Why you? Why not a cousin? A real friend? A work mate? Why you? I am pretty sure it was not because you are the beefy mate of his wife looking to drink him under the table and drag his sorry arse home.

You are being very coy, and that is very telling in your posts. Enjoying the thrill of someone actually being interested in you?

One last thing, why on earth didn't you think of your 'friend' and what she would make of this? Possibly she would have really enjoyed and needed a night out, and as a good friend the right thing to do when he suggested the music night was to either invite her immediately, or suggest to him that he is the babysitter for the night and you and her head out for fun and nightcaps. That is called friendship.
You are a pretty crap friend to leave her ditched at home with the kids whilst you swan out with her bloody husband. I would not describe that as friendship on any level. I would call that a smash and grab.

You may have convinced others that there was nothing in it, and maybe there isn't beyond an ego boost for you because your own husband is neglecting you, but let me spell this out, you are wrecking their marriage by doing this, she does not know the full facts and you know it. You could also ruin the lives of the small children you say you care for in the process leading to god knows what future for them as they battle with this for the next twenty years, you will smash their world into tiny pieces if you continue with this.

So I would tread carefully from now with your innocent nights out with other people's husbands, and consider yourself very, very lucky that nothing happened that night (if you say so) and I would do everything possible to mitigate the fall out from this when your 'friend' finds out, by saying you ran into him accidentally and make bloody sure it doesn't happen again. He may well stray anyway, but at least you won't have blood on your hands when he does.

ISawyouinTescoyesterday · 28/11/2019 22:43

I think that this is inappropriate. You knew she was at home with the children, yet you Invited him back to yours while your own dh away.
This is not fair on her Whatsoever and I would be angry if I was the wife.

Shinnoo · 28/11/2019 22:44

My impression is that the bloke has got his fingers crossed for some extra marital action.

And that the op is being willfully naive.

MissLadyM · 28/11/2019 22:45

I'd be pissed off. I think both of you want something more but no-one is making the first move. How would you feel if it was your husband getting pissed and staying at another woman's house?

Shinnoo · 28/11/2019 22:47

And I'm afraid to say, as well as being willfully naive, a really shit friend to boot.

Sort it out op.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 22:49

ploopsie - I do not understand your post. All I'm saying is I haven't got time.to spend solo time with friends OH's. I have too many people I my life to make them important In my social life.

BumbleBeee69 · 28/11/2019 22:58

OP is enjoying the 'great debate' Hmm

Ultimately all that matters Her DH's opinion, and the Wifes opinion of her DH who was out with OP.

Everything else.... is OP stroking her ego.

Gallivespian · 28/11/2019 23:11

I’m not sure why people are harping on the wife being left home with he children? Unless it’s a regular occurrence — which we can’t know from the OP — surely most people without babysitters on tap have to take it in turns to go out? And it had already been arranged that the friend’s DH was going to the gig — whether or not the OP went with him, he was still going to be out, as agreed. Are people actually saying that she should have offered to babysit rather than go to the gig?

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 23:17

@MargotB7 I don't understand your posts either. You wrote the below

I only see my female bestest friends occasionally as we are so busy

So do you or don't you have time to see your best friends?

The OPs post said she sometimes does toddler stuff with this man so clearly they already have a friendship & perhaps the OP just has more free time than you.

1Morewineplease · 28/11/2019 23:17

Like I said earlier, if both parties, and their respective partners are 100% happy with this, then why is OP asking AIBU?

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 23:18

I'd love to see a photo of this man going to gigs on his own but then inviting his wife's best friend to join him.

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 23:18

@Gallivespian don't get that either.

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 23:19

Is he a looker?

MargotB7 · 28/11/2019 23:28

ploopsie - I have lots of female friends. I do not see them all the time. I am quite popular with female friends. I do not have time to date their Husbands. The only man I want to see is my Husband as I really fancy him.

ploopsie · 28/11/2019 23:46

I do not have time to date their Husbands.

Has the OP posted an update?

The only man I want to see is my Husband as I really fancy him.

Does this make leaving the house hard? Do you have to wear an eye mask?! 😆

I think one can be friends with both genders without it reflecting on how much one is attracted to their own partner.
I personally don't pine for my husband any more when socialising with a male friend as opposed to a female friend.

BitOfFun · 28/11/2019 23:47

The more I think about this, the stranger I am finding it. Referring to this man as your friend's husband (rather than as your friend), you can't know him all that well as an individual...so it really makes the entirety of your actions with him that day and night seem uncannily like dating, you know? The unexpected invitation to coffee, the evening drinks, the nightcap...

I really hope that his pursuit of your company and your blindness to how that might be perceived hasn't fucked up your relationship with your friend.

PapayaCoconut · 28/11/2019 23:47

Sounds dodgy as hell. All of it.

MsDogLady · 29/11/2019 00:08

Yes, lines were crossed. But you know that.

You were 1:1 in 3 different venues stretched across a single day/night, ending up alone in your house at 1 a.m. It sounds like you both were pursuing some ego boosts. You had no idea if his DW even knew you were together, and you gave no thought to how she—your ‘close’ friend—might feel.

He may not be fully transparent with her about everything, including the nightcap. Will you be?